Dieting and your reactions

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MickeyFFA

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I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this so if not mods please move it :) This thread isn't about ways to diet or anything like that but I was wondering if other BBWs have the same reaction to dieting that I do. Let me explain better: for some reason when anyone brings up dieting or weight loss it always makes me want to cry.

Even right now when I would really like to lose about 20-30 lbs just so my clothes will fit better again it still upsets me. I've never been skinny and I never plan on being skinny but there are times in my life where I want to lose a few for various reasons. When I'm on a diet I don't like to tell anyone. I resent any "you look so great!" compliments or any acknowledgement that I've lost weight.

I think part of it is that doesn't feel like a compliment to me. I thought I looked great 20 lbs ago. But I guess I didn't otherwise why would I have gone on the diet in the 1st place? I just don't want anyone else to think I didn't.

My other thought is that by dieting I'm giving up all my hardwork as self accepting BBW (even though if I was 20 lbs thinner I'd still be one) and that upsets me. It also makes me mad that whenever I diet I'm "conforming" to society's idea that fat people always want to be thin. That's not true. I wish I could wear a post-it on my forehead that said "yes I'm dieting but I'm stopping in 20 lbs. No that does not make me a failure." But by losing those 20 lbs I feel like a failure to all confident big girls everywhere. Gah I don't know.

The whole thing really confuses me. I'm not sure if I even conveyed my emotions correctly. Anyone else has similar issues with weight loss/dieting?
 

Tad

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I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this so if not mods please move it :) This thread isn't about ways to diet or anything like that but I was wondering if other BBWs have the same reaction to dieting that I do. Let me explain better: for some reason when anyone brings up dieting or weight loss it always makes me want to cry.

Even right now when I would really like to lose about 20-30 lbs just so my clothes will fit better again it still upsets me. I've never been skinny and I never plan on being skinny but there are times in my life where I want to lose a few for various reasons. When I'm on a diet I don't like to tell anyone. I resent any "you look so great!" compliments or any acknowledgement that I've lost weight.

I think part of it is that doesn't feel like a compliment to me. I thought I looked great 20 lbs ago. But I guess I didn't otherwise why would I have gone on the diet in the 1st place? I just don't want anyone else to think I didn't.

My other thought is that by dieting I'm giving up all my hardwork as self accepting BBW (even though if I was 20 lbs thinner I'd still be one) and that upsets me. It also makes me mad that whenever I diet I'm "conforming" to society's idea that fat people always want to be thin. That's not true. I wish I could wear a post-it on my forehead that said "yes I'm dieting but I'm stopping in 20 lbs. No that does not make me a failure." But by losing those 20 lbs I feel like a failure to all confident big girls everywhere. Gah I don't know.

The whole thing really confuses me. I'm not sure if I even conveyed my emotions correctly. Anyone else has similar issues with weight loss/dieting?
Substitute ‘feel really uncomfortable and change the subject as quickly as possible’ for ‘want to cry’ and that is more or less me. Well, plus I’m absolutely terrible at actually dieting (soon as I start restricting what I eat I seem to go into some sort of emotional panic and end up eating more. The only way I’ve ever—slowly—lost any real amount of weight was to push exercise, avoid opportunities for snacking, and managing to twist my head around to manage to consider hunger to be a good thing at least part of the time). Which means that it is pretty unlikely I lost a noticeable amount of weight since seeing anyone, as I’ve never managed even ten pounds in a year.

But yah, if I do lose anything, I hate getting compliments on it. It is sort of “Look, I had practical reasons for losing weight, I managed to do so, but it doesn’t mean that I’m particularly happy or proud about it…..to be honest I’d have preferred not to have felt the need to do so.”
 

lypeaches

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Yes, yes and YES to everything both Mickey and Tad said. You are not alone. I could have written those words myself.

My business is centered around catering to plus size women, and I promote self acceptance and happiness at any size...but when some life changes happened a few years ago, I lost some weight. I find life a little easier (mechanicly speaking)now that I've returned to my personally preferred size of large, but I get really uncomfortable when my customers mention "how great I look". I don't know what to say, (I know they mean well), because I feel a bit of a fraud. Now, I know rationally that that is not true, but as we all now, emotions typically overun rational thought.
 

CastingPearls

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When people used to say, OMG you lost so much weight and you look so gooooood" it made me really angry. I knew they were well-meaning but it always seemed (in my mind at least) like they were giving me approval or authorization which I wasn't seeking and I resented that. It was as if it took away some of my personal power. I felt violated which in retrospect now seems like an overreaction but part of it was also because I'd always been fat, being somewhat thinner made me feel much more vulnerable and exposed and other people's remarks seemed to get through more easily. Maybe unconsciously less of me meant less armor to protect myself. I don't know.
 

bonified

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If it was your actual goal to lose, and you had, then recognition for that hard fucking work should be recognised, by yourself at least. Irrespective of whether you've issues with any external commentary.

Don't let little things self sabotage the mission you're on, no matter what it is.
 

MickeyFFA

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But yah, if I do lose anything, I hate getting compliments on it. It is sort of “Look, I had practical reasons for losing weight, I managed to do so, but it doesn’t mean that I’m particularly happy or proud about it…..to be honest I’d have preferred not to have felt the need to do so.”
This is exactly how I feel. I'm just, unfortunately, not as eloquent as you Tad. Its not the thought of actually losing weight that bothers me, its the fact that I feel that I have to. I know I really don't and it is something that part of me really wants to do but the other part of me really resents that I want to.
 

MickeyFFA

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Yes, yes and YES to everything both Mickey and Tad said. You are not alone. I could have written those words myself.

My business is centered around catering to plus size women, and I promote self acceptance and happiness at any size...but when some life changes happened a few years ago, I lost some weight. I find life a little easier (mechanicly speaking)now that I've returned to my personally preferred size of large, but I get really uncomfortable when my customers mention "how great I look". I don't know what to say, (I know they mean well), because I feel a bit of a fraud. Now, I know rationally that that is not true, but as we all now, emotions typically overun rational thought.
It's so nice to know that others in this community have these same feelings. It's hard to find people in the thin obsessed rest of the world who would understand why being thinner or wanting to be thinner bothers me so much. I totally get the feeling like a fraud part of what you said. I feel like that too if I get under a certain size. Being a BBW is a part of who I am and it took me a long time to accept that. I'm just afraid that going on a diet and getting down to a certain size would erase all that. Once again rationality usually loses with me. Another reason dieting bothers me is I really love food. And I feel like dieting ruins food for me. I don't like to associate foods with guilt. I feel it's healthier mentally to associate them with yummy! :)
 

MickeyFFA

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When people used to say, OMG you lost so much weight and you look so gooooood" it made me really angry. I knew they were well-meaning but it always seemed (in my mind at least) like they were giving me approval or authorization which I wasn't seeking and I resented that. It was as if it took away some of my personal power. I felt violated which in retrospect now seems like an overreaction but part of it was also because I'd always been fat, being somewhat thinner made me feel much more vulnerable and exposed and other people's remarks seemed to get through more easily. Maybe unconsciously less of me meant less armor to protect myself. I don't know.
Yes yes yes! I feel the same way too. I hate it when other people feel they have a right to judge your body. I didn't need your approval to do anything, losing weight is simply for me. I know it shouldn't, but it bothers me that people will automatically assume that I lost weight to please them or society. I lost weight for *me* and nothing anyone else did made me do it.
 

MickeyFFA

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If it was your actual goal to lose, and you had, then recognition for that hard fucking work should be recognised, by yourself at least. Irrespective of whether you've issues with any external commentary.

Don't let little things self sabotage the mission you're on, no matter what it is.
Thanks for the kind words :) If I do accomplish something I'm pretty good at patting myself on the back. But because I'm FA and a BBW it's a conflicting thing. Its like "yesss! I lost 5 pounds. Damn, where'd my belly go?" haha Just a conflicting set of emotions that I'm trying to grapple with.
 

Fat Brian

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A few years ago I got poison oak really bad at work. I had it all over both hands, arms, my chest, left side, and worst of all my face. I couldn't eat for most of a week because my face would crack and ooze or bleed. I lost about twenty pounds and when I got back to work everyone was asking if I had lost weight and saying how much better I looked :mad:. No one cared that I had been suffering for over a week in bed trying not to claw my skin off or that if I had gotten it my eyes I could have gone blind. Evidently going from 330 to 310 makes me a sexy bitch!
 
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lypeaches

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It's so nice to know that others in this community have these same feelings. It's hard to find people in the thin obsessed rest of the world who would understand why being thinner or wanting to be thinner bothers me so much. I totally get the feeling like a fraud part of what you said. I feel like that too if I get under a certain size. Being a BBW is a part of who I am and it took me a long time to accept that. I'm just afraid that going on a diet and getting down to a certain size would erase all that. Once again rationality usually loses with me. Another reason dieting bothers me is I really love food. And I feel like dieting ruins food for me. I don't like to associate foods with guilt. I feel it's healthier mentally to associate them with yummy! :)
I think the conflicting feelings come also when you're (the universal you) not entirely 100% positive if you're doing it JUST for you, and not secretly seeking the approval of .....fill in the blank with parents / spouse / partner/ boss etc. I literally had to hide the fact that I was losing weight from my parents (we live far apart) so that I didn't restart an old, destructive dynamic.

Mickey, I love food to. I love everything about it...shopping for it, cooking it, I watch tv shows and read books about it. My solution for change without making myselft crazy was to reverse the quantifiers...as in, "I resolve to eat MORE vegetables and MORE lean protein, and exercise MORE". Nothing forbidden, all positive reinforcement. For me, that's just been a good way to live in general (not for losing weight) because it encourages you to be kind to yourself, to recognize progress in your journeys without beating yourself up for failures.
 
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Cynthia

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I completely understand a lot of the feelings here. Some years ago, I very stupidly and dangerously manipulated my medical condition to lose 100+ lbs. And, yes, I did enjoy the feeling of fitting in more easily on airplanes, in clothing departments, and in society. But I couldn’t get over the feeling that I had succumbed to a hostile dieting culture and that, by losing weight, I was somehow acknowledging that I needed to be “fixed” to be acceptable.

I’d like to think that I do many things on a regular basis that are more important than losing weight, but yet that was absolutely all anyone could talk about. The pats on the back first annoyed me and later began to infuriate me. I felt trapped in other people’s expectations, because many of them were grafting their own weight loss fantasies onto me, even though I was not by any means thin. Their actions felt patronizing, even if that wasn’t their intention.

Over time, I regained most of the weight due to medication side effects and because I hadn’t ever really learned to change my relationship with food. Right now, I know that I’d feel more comfortable at a slightly smaller size because I’m tired of fighting my dread at the doctor’s office or the airline check-in counter. But this battle between the practical and the political rages on, and my body is caught in the crossfire.
 

DJBEATBOX2k3

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dont know if its such a good place to post here but here it goes. my fiance was just diagnosed with gestational diabetes and shes a little over 7 months preggo. I love the weight shes gained from when I first met her about a year and a half ago. she was about 250 when we first started dating, and now shes 360. she gained it all for me and she loves all the attention I give her, but now she must eat healthy and stick to a meal plan. I dont want my son to get juvenile diabetes but I don't want her to lose her goddess figure. I feel like an ass sometimes.
 

JulieD

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Holy Crap! This thread is Awesome! I love every ones posts and responses!
So this is what I think....
I think the reason that we, as in those of us who are comfortable with who we are both inside and out, get so offended and upset when others give us a compliment when we lose weight is because we dont understand why they view it as "looking good" or, for lack of a better term, an improvement. First, I dont think that there is anything wrong with my size....but if I choose to lose weight to fit clothes better, to feel healthier, or whatever reason, it is a personal decision. Choosing to lose weight for a personal decision is different then loosing weight in order to fit into what society views as "looking good". Do to the fact that it is a personal decision, we are not looking for other peoples approval. With that being said, the other people do not realize this, and they view their compliments as encouraging words, or support. This suck for both sides...because I know for a fact that other people are not trying to make us feel uncomfortable, or offend us in anyway...but due to the fact that it is personal for us...we take it personally.
And now what I am about to say is going to stink... I think that because other people dont realize what "size acceptance" is, how you take their non accepting compliments is on you. You can take it personally, get upset, and be huffy about it. Or you can realize that they simply dont understand you, and what you are about...and take it with a grain of salt. Personally, I like to educate as many people about size acceptance that I can. I too have had people say to me, "Are you loosing weight? You are looking thinner." I have responded with, "Thank you, but Im not trying to, nor am I worried about losing weight. So I havent noticed, I am just fine with me." I know, it sounds corny, but the more you show the other people that you accept you, then they will too.
On the other hand, when someone says "oh you would be so pretty if you were thinner." That fucking pisses me off! I am pretty, thin or fat, dumb ass...So feel free to be offended when that happens. And I highly encourage snapping out and letting them know exactly how you feel about the-worst-compliment-you-can-give-a-fat-person...
This actually happened to me, I was at work, and an elderly lady I work with said "Julie, why dont you lose weight? You would be so pretty if you were skinny." Now, my momma raised me to respect my elders, but my momma doesnt know everything. I looked at her and said "that is the worst thing you can tell any fat person. Thats like me telling you, 'too bad you are not still young, you might not be so ignorant.' Please dont ever say that to any other big person...it makes you sound foolish." I then walked away, while she said "it was meant to be a compliment"...yeah no shit...
 

Durin

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A Friend of mine was trying to help me I guess. He mentioned that I am getting close to the time of life where it's harder to lose weight. Apparently he had a friend that was a big guy that had health problems when he got older.

I don't know how to take this. I honestly think my buddy was trying to help me but it didn't feel helpful. I am very compfortable and happy in the 254-258lbs range where I have been for several years.

I don't particularly want to lose weight. It might be nice to lose 30lbs max but overall I feel good. I just tend to freeze up when people make comments. It reminds me of my parents.

So I am frustrated because I honestly think he meant no harm but it irks me.
 

LovelyLiz

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I thought I looked great 20 lbs ago. But I guess I didn't otherwise why would I have gone on the diet in the 1st place?
Well, it seems like you said a lot of the reason you wanted to lose the weight was related to your clothes fitting better, etc., right? So, when someone compliments your appearance, as if that was the reason, I can see how the assumptions and misinterpretation of your motives/values could piss you off.

At least, that's why it pisses me off. ;)
 

lypeaches

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A Friend of mine was trying to help me I guess. He mentioned that I am getting close to the time of life where it's harder to lose weight. Apparently he had a friend that was a big guy that had health problems when he got older.
I've gotten that line too.

My response...."like it was easy before I reached this age? Really?"
 

CastingPearls

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Yesterday during a routine exam I had a frank discussion with my internist about my desire to lose a few pounds to see if it would help with my chronic fatigue. I also mentioned it would be nice to also fit more comfortably into some designer wear that I love and don't want to part with but as a side benefit and not a primary motivator. I want to be able to BE ABLE if that makes any sense.

I was so relieved when she completely understood (it helps that she's SSBBW) when I said, Look, I don't want to be thin. I love my body. I'm happy with it. Just a few pounds. She said, 'gotcha' and agreed to help me do something reasonable and within my comfort level. She's never pushed me, nor have her partners (one of whom does advocate a certain diet plan) and I felt like I was in a safe place without judgment, to discuss my options.
 

Tracyarts

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It makes me feel like I "fail at fat".

I really wish HAES worked for me, but the truth of the matter is that my body cannot be healthy at every size, there is a limit to the amount of weight it can bear and then my health starts to go all to hell. I can be a healthy BBW but not a healthy SSBBW.

When healthy body, mind, and spirit nurturing lifestyle habits didn't make things much better, I felt like a failure. I felt as if not only did my body fail me, but I failed my body. My rational mind knows that you do what you have to do. But another part of my mind says that losing weight, even to be healthier and have a better life is selling out.

Being accused of self-loathing stung. In my mind, I was doing this because I loved myself and loved life and wanted to get more out of it. I questioned my motives and wondered if I wasn't really just full of shit all along when it came to the whole acceptance thing. Being told that if I really loved my body, the thought of having to use a scooter and give myself insulin shots would be no big deal, made me question whether I was using the mobility and health issues as an excuse to lose weight for less noble and worthy reasons.

Believing in the core concept of size acceptance, yet losing a significant amount of weight to have what I consider a better life makes me feel like a hypocrite sometimes. And it shouldn't. But it does.

Tracy
 

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