Does anyone else HATE this fetish?

[balthyes]

Try to look at the positives!

For example: if he starts going to the gym and putting on muscle, any more fat he incidentally gains will be less of.a burden on his mobility and he'll be able to do fun things with you without getting out of breath or hurting his back. Plus, the strenuous exercise will increase his appetite.

I'm a pretty gung-ho feeder, and I'm lucky to have met a feedee who's the love of my life. But as much as I love fattening him and he loves getting stuffed, I still insist that he accompany me in my exercise so that we don't get to a point where his mobility and quality of life are compromised. Of course, I would love him and stay with him if he decided to get so big that he needed help in and out of the shower and whatnot, but we've had the conversation and decided that that's not the life for us for now.

It's just the phrasing "lose fat" is the problem...

 

[Angelette]

Angelette stop reacting in a so defeated way.
*I don't think I will ever find true love.*
I have not found true love yet.
Life has to teach so much more and the cosmos thinks I am not ready yet.
If you meet your true love when you are not grown up enough you will blow it.
*have server social anxiety along with niche taste*
It is a sentient need (and you are a sentient being) to be accepted. You will not be accepted by everybody. Often by no fault of yours. Be yourself, kindness plays a lot in attraction. Genuine in what you say and do.
As for niche taste. Preferences. I want some rich who showers me with social status possessions. That if someone found it is formula to loneliness.
*This is why I think suicide is my answer. I am sorry everyone.*
What is your question because it sounds like a wrong and impertinent question. There 8 billion people out there. One is a good partner to you. You are not in a remote village of 10 people.
Accept who you are, grow as a person every day. Meet and interact with others. 99% will be Hi and Good Bye. Learn about others, as no meeting is a waste of time and life if you grow as a person.
I think it was Moody Blues. "I know you are out there somewhere."

I wouldn't call my feelings impertinent. If I sugarcoated my thoughts. Then that defeats the purpose of me wanting to lean on someone. Especially during mid-life crisis while having no one to talk to in real life.

 

[extra_m13]

oh... i will try to write something. i do hate the associated risks. there is no hiding, being extremely overweight does shorten your life and has some drawbacks healthwise. so that is what i hate because... you are with your loved one and you want to see her get fatter but it is not a nice thing to see her struggle with the weight. and that is not cool. and that is something that i dont like about the fetish.

 

[NZ Mountain Man]

Why do I always get misunderstood.NO feeling is impertinent. Sorry you thought that is what i meant.
What I meant was the angle you came at it was wrong. This shows you need some guidance.
The question asked is why is life not bringing the companion you are seeking.
You thought it might be your weight. This most likely would have come from dreadful things said to you. It is very easy to find the truth on the subject. There is so many overweight people that woman are throwing themselves at. Not every woman but there is plenty.
Give us or someone your reasons as we are on the outside of the emotional turmoil you are in. We (Any trusted and trusted) can add things to the dialogue in your head that can redirect your thoughts to planing away through your own issues.
Skinny people get to you are place you are in. If you lost all your extra weight would you be in the same state over being lonely?
I do not have the skills to council some on on a key board and often find my advice under attack because I press something without getting direct feed back. There are people online who can.
Keep hope. There is a way through. Success comes from answers pointing the way forward.

 

[Anomaly]

Why do I always get misunderstood.NO feeling is impertinent. Sorry you thought that is what i meant.
What I meant was the angle you came at it was wrong. This shows you need some guidance.
The question asked is why is life not bringing the companion you are seeking.
You thought it might be your weight. This most likely would have come from dreadful things said to you. It is very easy to find the truth on the subject. There is so many overweight people that woman are throwing themselves at. Not every woman but there is plenty.
Give us or someone your reasons as we are on the outside of the emotional turmoil you are in. We (Any trusted and trusted) can add things to the dialogue in your head that can redirect your thoughts to planing away through your own issues.
Skinny people get to you are place you are in. If you lost all your extra weight would you be in the same state over being lonely?
I do not have the skills to council some on on a key board and often find my advice under attack because I press something without getting direct feed back. There are people online who can.
Keep hope. There is a way through. Success comes from answers pointing the way forward.

I think the poster is a young woman, who uses a picture of an attractive man as a forum avatar.

@Angelette I don't know what age you are (other than other posters saying you are young) and what else you're going through at the moment, but hope you find the following useful as advice from a middle-aged person!

The reality of life unfortunately is that a lot of people don't get to live their dream with regards to what partner they want. In some cases, such as the modern 'incel' phenomenon, I suspect lack of effort and personal investment in self-growth play a large part in that, but in many cases it's because of things people have no choice in, such as fetishes, and can even be external factors outside of anyone's control. When I was young, I knew of two elderly women who lived together. My first impression was how great it was that lesbians in their day seemed to have been accepted and could do this, but as it turned out they weren't lesbians. One of them was married for two weeks before her husband was killed in action, and the other never had a partner because so many men died in the war there weren't enough to go round. Today, that's likely to be the case for many heterosexual Russian and Ukrainian women because of Putin's deranged war. Historically many gay people lived unfulfilled lives with no partner or had to live in secrecy with a partner because of persecution under unjust laws.

Even people who do manage to find the partner of their dreams will likely spend long parts of their lives without. Not all relationships last, and even those that do have the time before finding the other person and the time after one partner passes away for the one left. For many people, long term relationships involve a lot of compromise.

This is all good reason to invest in your life and plan for the likelihood that an ambition for a relationship might not be fulfilled. If it does happen, it's a bonus, but it helps you if you can avoid betting everything on that eventuality. The desire for it can feel overwhelming sometimes, at particular stages of life, and especially when you've recently been rejected by someone who seemed perfect for you, but at other times it does sort of fade into the background. My thirties were quite a settled time of my life when it didn't seem to matter that much and I was engrossed in other things. And of course, before we go through puberty we don't experience these desires, and live much more in the moment. You never know what the future has in store for you, and things could get much better. But suicide is not an answer, because that way you'll never find out and they definitely won't.

First of all, do try to research careers and find one that's right for you. So many young people just drift into boring jobs because they either aren't especially strong academically, or on the other hand they are academically strong and just choose the subject they like best and do that at university with no proper consideration of what kind of employment it might lead to and whether they're suited to it or it's something they would want to spend decades of their lives doing. Careers advice at schools is not adequate as it's often focused on the school's standing by how many pupils it can get into university. There are other ways of being intelligent and having rewarding work than academic achievement. If you are introverted and have social anxiety problems, careers where you can work alone or with a client rather than within a large group should be what you are researching.

Secondly, try to have a hobby or an interest that is different from your career. I say this because I have ended up doing some of my hobbies and interests for money and when there's a deadline and such it stops being a creative outlet and starts being work, which is especially annoying if it doesn't make a lot of money. Ideally it should be something that challenges you and that you can keep improving at, but have to work a lot at to improve. Popular things people pick are music, art, or writing. Or you can become an expert on a subject that interests you. The idea behind it is that you can do this when you are feeling stressed or depressed, and having to concentrate on it will take your mind away from what's bothering you and help your mood.

Thirdly, try to live in the moment and enjoy other people for the unique ways they are and how they connect to you. The memories of friendships I most cherish now I perhaps didn't appreciate so much at the time they happened because I was too hung up on the fantasy of meeting a big fat man who was my soulmate and losing ourselves in each other. That never happened. I still know most of the friends but time changes people and we aren't the same any more and can no longer connect on that level, and it seems so hard to meet people you connect with like that at the time of life I'm at now.

And please do use the contact information Donna gave you if you are still having suicidal feelings. Being young really is a hard time of life and especially so if you find something attractive that other young people won't understand or be tolerant of. I remember as a teenager we had to draw some sort of celebrity in art class. Everyone else was drawing sportsmen and actors and I wanted to draw Victor McGuire or Steven O'Donnell, but I ended up taking a picture of some generic guy from a boy band and drawing him. In a lot of ways I think people have sadly become less tolerant of fatness and this fetish (or whatever you want to call it) in the last thirty years. Everything now seems to be insanely politically correct and yet very sanctimonious about health and how eating things damages the environment.

Sorry for huge wall of text.

 

[Angelette]

@Anomaly Part 1 because my response ended up rambly. Gomen nasai!

Hi! Thank you for the genuinely kind response and in-depth advice. Yes, Farley was an attractive man. Oh, kiss me you hunk!

Let's get started by giving you a scenario of what my life is all about. (I hope someone gets this reference) First off, I am 22 years old that worked for an agricultural warehouse job for 3 years. Started straight out of high school back in 2019. Unfortunately, my job started to become unsteady. Me and my dad kept getting laid off. I was laid off 3 weeks ago lately.

My mom gave up on the family and started living with her boyfriend in a nearby trailer. So, only me and my dad take care of my siblings who are in their mid-teens. Me and my dad have an unbalanced relationship. He has an anger problem and we often bicker. Even he gets easily upset with my siblings. He screwed up my mental health and I'm afraid I will have to cut ties with him someday.

This same man kicked down my door last year just because I accidentally gave away his pewny Cinabon to my sister. One time made inappropriate comments about my body and fat shamed me. A few months ago, he scolded me for using my PTO even though I was struggling with depression and my job got overwhelming. He wasn't sympathetic with me when I explained to him my job screws up my mental health and made me suicidal. I know, I should've kept my mouth shut.

My early twenties were miserable due to mental health and evil Covid-19. I caught Covid last year and even a relative of mine passed away from it. I wasn't those lucky duckies that got to get paid while being at home. Oh no. I forgot why, but the unemployment office denied giving me unemployment benefits.

Of course, moving out and finding a different job will solve all my problems. But it's not as easy as some people make it out to be. I'm not financially stable yet and can't even drive. Housing in America is way expensive compared to let's say The Philippines. (my mom is from there)

When I was little, I dreamt of becoming an 2D animator. Because I grew up on animation and love the medium. I used to make animations at age 10 on a flash animation/forum site I wasn't supposed to be on. My works were mostly cringe furry and the kawaii phenomenon stuff. Sometimes old internet memes from that era. Nothing fancy.

Ever since my teen years. I gain a niche interest in 3D graphics. I started out with the Japanese program MikuMikuDance. Since that pars with the Vocaloid community and I was into that subculture. (think Hatsune Miku) Eventually I wanted to make my own models and practiced with the freeware Blender. I tried making one of the Spy vs. Spy characters with little success. I at least made their cone-shaped head. Blender is very advanced for an inexperienced 14 year old.

As my skills evolved into something that isn't just drawing. I was in digital media classes for a few times during the middle school days. Hell, that A from digital media class from that summer program grade helped boost my GPA. My GPA admittedly wasn't as high, but I at least graduated.

 

[Anomaly]

@Anomaly Part 1 because my response ended up rambly. Gomen nasai!

Hi! Thank you for the genuinely kind response and in-depth advice. Yes, Farley was an attractive man. Oh, kiss me you hunk!

Let's get started by giving you a scenario of what my life is all about. (I hope someone gets this reference) First off, I am 22 years old that worked for an agricultural warehouse job for 3 years. Started straight out of high school back in 2019. Unfortunately, my job started to become unsteady. Me and my dad kept getting laid off. I was laid off 3 weeks ago lately.

My mom gave up on the family and started living with her boyfriend in a nearby trailer. So, only me and my dad take care of my siblings who are in their mid-teens. Me and my dad have an unbalanced relationship. He has an anger problem and we often bicker. Even he gets easily upset with my siblings. He screwed up my mental health and I'm afraid I will have to cut ties with him someday.

This same man kicked down my door last year just because I accidentally gave away his pewny Cinabon to my sister. One time made inappropriate comments about my body and fat shamed me. A few months ago, he scolded me for using my PTO even though I was struggling with depression and my job got overwhelming. He wasn't sympathetic with me when I explained to him my job screws up my mental health and made me suicidal. I know, I should've kept my mouth shut.

My early twenties were miserable due to mental health and evil Covid-19. I caught Covid last year and even a relative of mine passed away from it. I wasn't those lucky duckies that got to get paid while being at home. Oh no. I forgot why, but the unemployment office denied giving me unemployment benefits.

Of course, moving out and finding a different job will solve all my problems. But it's not as easy as some people make it out to be. I'm not financially stable yet and can't even drive. Housing in America is way expensive compared to let's say The Philippines. (my mom is from there)

When I was little, I dreamt of becoming an 2D animator. Because I grew up on animation and love the medium. I used to make animations at age 10 on a flash animation/forum site I wasn't supposed to be on. My works were mostly cringe furry and the kawaii phenomenon stuff. Sometimes old internet memes from that era. Nothing fancy.

Ever since my teen years. I gain a niche interest in 3D graphics. I started out with the Japanese program MikuMikuDance. Since that pars with the Vocaloid community and I was into that subculture. (think Hatsune Miku) Eventually I wanted to make my own models and practiced with the freeware Blender. I tried making one of the Spy vs. Spy characters with little success. I at least made their cone-shaped head. Blender is very advanced for an inexperienced 14 year old.

As my skills evolved into something that isn't just drawing. I was in digital media classes for a few times during the middle school days. Hell, that A from digital media class from that summer program grade helped boost my GPA. My GPA admittedly wasn't as high, but I at least graduated.

It absolutely will get better once you start living independently. And the likelihood is that strained and difficult relationships with family will improve later in life given a bit of space.

When I was your age, my father would often lose his temper over money or small things like people's choices of words when they spoke that really shouldn't have mattered. My mother had a tendency to pit siblings against each other and ruin the relationships between them, and was fatphobic and bodyshamed people in general, and sitting watching television and making comments about how people looked and making vomiting noises at emotional scenes was what passed for humour in my family, and it's had an effect on how I think and relate to other people that I've only recently really started to understand and challenge. She came from a family background where being stoic was encouraged and people do not do things like express emotions outwardly, talk about mental health, compliment other people, or say they love each other. I was brought up thinking behaving otherwise was sentimental and weak, but now I realise it's a handicap in relationships with others, as I struggle to accept these things from other people, and when I try to provide them to people I care about, it feels unnatural and I worry it will be perceived as insincere.

I have an OK relationship with my parents today. It's not as close as some people have and it never will be, but it is what it is. My parents were a similar age to I am now when I was in my early twenties and were probably going through stuff like feeling unfulfilled and lacking enthusiasm and probably questioning the the choices they'd made like a lot of people do in middle age. I also think parents can be very controlling and often only learn that they need to back off and respect their child's choices once the child moves out and is able to enforce boundaries.

Keep doing your art and programming stuff, and keep enjoying and keep learning. I hope you'll be able to find work suited for you and somewhere to live by yourself soon.

 

[James1662]

@Anomaly Part 1 because my response ended up rambly. Gomen nasai!

Hi! Thank you for the genuinely kind response and in-depth advice. Yes, Farley was an attractive man. Oh, kiss me you hunk!

Let's get started by giving you a scenario of what my life is all about. (I hope someone gets this reference) First off, I am 22 years old that worked for an agricultural warehouse job for 3 years. Started straight out of high school back in 2019. Unfortunately, my job started to become unsteady. Me and my dad kept getting laid off. I was laid off 3 weeks ago lately.

My mom gave up on the family and started living with her boyfriend in a nearby trailer. So, only me and my dad take care of my siblings who are in their mid-teens. Me and my dad have an unbalanced relationship. He has an anger problem and we often bicker. Even he gets easily upset with my siblings. He screwed up my mental health and I'm afraid I will have to cut ties with him someday.

This same man kicked down my door last year just because I accidentally gave away his pewny Cinabon to my sister. One time made inappropriate comments about my body and fat shamed me. A few months ago, he scolded me for using my PTO even though I was struggling with depression and my job got overwhelming. He wasn't sympathetic with me when I explained to him my job screws up my mental health and made me suicidal. I know, I should've kept my mouth shut.

My early twenties were miserable due to mental health and evil Covid-19. I caught Covid last year and even a relative of mine passed away from it. I wasn't those lucky duckies that got to get paid while being at home. Oh no. I forgot why, but the unemployment office denied giving me unemployment benefits.

Of course, moving out and finding a different job will solve all my problems. But it's not as easy as some people make it out to be. I'm not financially stable yet and can't even drive. Housing in America is way expensive compared to let's say The Philippines. (my mom is from there)

When I was little, I dreamt of becoming an 2D animator. Because I grew up on animation and love the medium. I used to make animations at age 10 on a flash animation/forum site I wasn't supposed to be on. My works were mostly cringe furry and the kawaii phenomenon stuff. Sometimes old internet memes from that era. Nothing fancy.

Ever since my teen years. I gain a niche interest in 3D graphics. I started out with the Japanese program MikuMikuDance. Since that pars with the Vocaloid community and I was into that subculture. (think Hatsune Miku) Eventually I wanted to make my own models and practiced with the freeware Blender. I tried making one of the Spy vs. Spy characters with little success. I at least made their cone-shaped head. Blender is very advanced for an inexperienced 14 year old.

As my skills evolved into something that isn't just drawing. I was in digital media classes for a few times during the middle school days. Hell, that A from digital media class from that summer program grade helped boost my GPA. My GPA admittedly wasn't as high, but I at least graduated.

My suggestion would be to come up with a plan to live independently. Space between you and your family may be helpful for you. This plan may take 6 months to put into action. Save every extra penny from whatever job you have and put it away. Figure out what kind of finances you are going to need to move into an apartment or house and work towards that. Another option is to look to rent a room if an apartment is too expensive. I know housing costs are high everywhere. You may have to take whatever job you can get while you are saving. Think long term about what kind of career or field you want to be in and plan towards that. There will be ups and downs but keep plugging away and working towards your goals. Figure out what steps you need to take to make that happen, whether that be schooling or training and begin working on that. There are many online accredited schools for pretty much anything.

 

[JackCivelli]

I will admit I am in the same boat. I don't think I will ever find true love. I'm also special ed and have server social anxiety along with niche taste. I think I will grow up lonely and be by myself.

This is why I think suicide is my answer. I am sorry everyone.

I know you wrote this days ago and many people have responded, and I certainly hope you’ve taken these responses to heart. I know it can be hard, especially when you feel so alone in who you are. This preference is fairly unique, but it is growing.

I also had social anxiety for a long time, but I’ve gotten a lot better with it, even though my size often singles me out for discrimination.

But even if you don’t find someone who is your exact match, bonds still form through diversity. You can still be incredibly happy with someone who doesn’t tic all your boxes or vice versa.

And if I may include a more selfish reason for my reply, it’s been great chatting with you and having someone to fan chat about Chris Farley with!

 

[Mel KM]

I'm cis-hetero F with a fat fetish. But I'm also not kinky...It is so hard for me to find fat men who just... idk... like food and are okay with being fat without literally wanting to specifically gain or be fed... And who are okay with it all being a turn-on for me.

I have a new partner who is large (I think obese) and loves food. He loves that I love his squishy bits and he loves that I am happy to indulge his love of food.

But... He said tonight that he is into health, specifically "building muscle and losing fat". How, though, can I be okay with this?

I really, really like him. We have a fantastic dynamic and he is incredibly attractive to me. So far, he eats a lot in my presence. But if he ultimately wants to lose weight?

I don't want to lose attraction to him. I HATE that this dumb fetish means I can get so negatively fixated about weight loss. I KNOW that this fetish HURTS me when a partner loses weight, even if my (non-physical) feelings stay intact.

Help??

Uggghh if I could turn this fetish off I would...

Yesssssss. Sometimes this fetish is the WORST! I am very very attracted to fat men, and I am actually fairly kinky, in that it’s a turn on to watch/help a fat man gain and grow. But sometimes it takes over. It has made me make lots of bad choices over the years, and it has ruined a good relationship for me more than once. I, too, wish I could just turn it off, but it is inexorably part of me.

I would say that you shouldn’t let your fetish get in the way of your relationship, which makes sense intellectually, but if you’re like me, that’s why this is so frustrating. You can’t ignore it.

I think you should tell him how you feel and if he’s willing to keep the weight on, stick with him. If he is dead set on loosing weight, it will just be a series of greater and greater disappointment until you are no longer attracted to him.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I’m just speaking from my own experience.

 

[JackCivelli]

Yesssssss. Sometimes this fetish is the WORST! I am very very attracted to fat men, and I am actually fairly kinky, in that it’s a turn on to watch/help a fat man gain and grow. But sometimes it takes over. It has made me make lots of bad choices over the years, and it has ruined a good relationship for me more than once. I, too, wish I could just turn it off, but it is inexorably part of me.

I would say that you shouldn’t let your fetish get in the way of your relationship, which makes sense intellectually, but if you’re like me, that’s why this is so frustrating. You can’t ignore it.

I think you should tell him how you feel and if he’s willing to keep the weight on, stick with him. If he is dead set on loosing weight, it will just be a series of greater and greater disappointment until you are no longer attracted to him.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I’m just speaking from my own experience.

I mean, I think it just depends on how highly your preference for fat men ranks in your relationship. If you won’t be attracted to him any longer he’s not fat anymore, it might not be worth it. If you can still be attracted to him if he loses weight, you should probably stick it out if you like him that much.

Either way, honesty is a good policy, and being open with him about your preferences is probably the best course of action.

 

[balthyes]

Yesssssss. Sometimes this fetish is the WORST! I am very very attracted to fat men, and I am actually fairly kinky, in that it’s a turn on to watch/help a fat man gain and grow. But sometimes it takes over. It has made me make lots of bad choices over the years, and it has ruined a good relationship for me more than once. I, too, wish I could just turn it off, but it is inexorably part of me.

I would say that you shouldn’t let your fetish get in the way of your relationship, which makes sense intellectually, but if you’re like me, that’s why this is so frustrating. You can’t ignore it.

I think you should tell him how you feel and if he’s willing to keep the weight on, stick with him. If he is dead set on loosing weight, it will just be a series of greater and greater disappointment until you are no longer attracted to him.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I’m just speaking from my own experience.

Thank you. You definitely have my same distinctions between preference/fetish and kink. I LOVE watching a man grow, but I'd rather it happen organically, not intentionally.

I don't even understand if he is deadset on losing weight! He says he wants to, but then he overindulges time and time again.

Uggghh, does he really not understand how much I love his belly and him eating a lot? Does he really not think that a change in that respect would be significant for me?

I definitely really like him, so I wouldn't want to break up with him over this. But the disappointment is a real thing for sure.

 

[balthyes]

I mean, I think it just depends on how highly your preference for fat men ranks in your relationship. If you won’t be attracted to him any longer he’s not fat anymore, it might not be worth it. If you can still be attracted to him if he loses weight, you should probably stick it out if you like him that much.

Either way, honesty is a good policy, and being open with him about your preferences is probably the best course of action.

I would be attracted to him as a person, and I guess still attracted to him physically, but not ~super~ attracted to him like I am now.

Do you really think being open with him about this is the best idea? It's my problem to deal with, right? What could I reasonably expect either of us to gain from me voicing this? I really don't know.

 

[JackCivelli]

I would be attracted to him as a person, and I guess still attracted to him physically, but not ~super~ attracted to him like I am now.

Do you really think being open with him about this is the best idea? It's my problem to deal with, right? What could I reasonably expect either of us to gain from me voicing this? I really don't know.

I personally do. Of course, it’s your relationship and you understand it’s dynamics far better than I or any third party can. But it doesn’t have to be a big confession or anything. You can even just casually drop that you’ve always liked bigger guys. I know that sometimes in this community it seems like we are extreme niche and aberrant from most of society, but someone having a preference for large people isn’t usually a big shock to anyone.

 

[balthyes]

I personally do. Of course, it’s your relationship and you understand it’s dynamics far better than I or any third party can. But it doesn’t have to be a big confession or anything. You can even just casually drop that you’ve always liked bigger guys. I know that sometimes in this community it seems like we are extreme niche and aberrant from most of society, but someone having a preference for large people isn’t usually a big shock to anyone.

Oh, he knew right from the outset.

That makes things extra confusing.

 

[JackCivelli]

Ah ok. Well that kind of makes me wonder if he’s playing some sort of game. Trying to see how you react? Especially if he’s not actually doing anything to lose weight or build muscle.

 

[waldo]

Yes, I can totally relate to this.

I describe my sexuality as a fetish as well. Medically, I believe it's termed a paraphilia. The analogy with hair, I absolutely like a man with nice hair, same as I like him to be dressed nicely. It's a turn-on and it's part of the initial impression someone creates. But it absolutely doesn't matter to me if a man is bald if he's fat and I like his personality. Hair fetishists no doubt exist, but they would be people who obsess over the sight and feel of their partners' hair, and sexual acts for these people would have to specifically involve hair.

Having nice hair would be a preference for me, but being fat is non-negotiable, in that I am not attracted to men who are not fat, same as I'm not physically attracted to women. The first relationship I attempted to have was with a man who was not fat, because he had a wonderful personality, and people tell you that appearance shouldn't matter and if you like someone as a person the rest will come. I wanted it to be true because he was such a great person to be with and we really 'got' each other, but it's a lie, and it did neither of us any good.

Some people are very fortunate to have the potential to be attracted to a wide range of physical attributes in a partner. For some people, being attracted to fat people is just a preference. I wish it was that way with me. I would like to still find fat bodies beautiful, but be capable of enjoying bodies that aren't fat as well. Instead, sexual attraction for me is specifically someone's backside/thighs/moobs/double chin, and sexual acts have to involve those parts in order to be sexy. This is an attraction to body parts normally considered 'non sexual' i.e. adipose depots. It is objectifying other people and it's a part of myself I don't like for this reason, and also probably because of fatphobia in the environment I grew up in. But all physical attractions technically objectify other people, and we don't get any choice in what we're attracted to. It's just this particular way of being has specific difficulties because some fat people (not all of them) experience health issues and some fat people (not all of them) are unhappy and want to change their bodies, and it can make it very difficult to find partners and have long-term relationships. For a lot of fat people, a partner who loves their body the way it is just isn't what they're seeking.

I'm also in my early 40s and I've found all my life it's very difficult to come across people I'm attracted to. When I have found someone, frequently it turned out that the person had no interest in me. The most intense and downright painful attractions I experienced always involved someone who had the body type I liked combined with certain personality traits and interests I could really relate to, and frequently it seemed had no interest in having relationships with anyone.

I am currently in a long-term relationship with a man who when I met him was overweight rather than fat. He has lost weight as he's got older (not deliberately) particularly around his face and I'm honestly not physically attracted to him any more. That's not to say I don't love him or I would dump him, but I feel unfulfilled that way in my life and it's a source of frustration and disappointment. I've never had a relationship with someone I was strongly attracted to body mind and soul, and the age I am now I expect it will never happen, and it's all because my brain is wired up this way. I was more optimistic when I was younger.

The only thing I can suggest is that if you're attracted to this man now, enjoy the relationship for however long it works. Also that, as you're a similar age to me, I think a lot of my resentment of my fetish and general dissatisfaction are a middle-age thing, and apparently it's quite common at some point in your 40s or 50s to regret what you haven't achieved and feel nostalgia for what you might have lost, and feel futility that what you have got that's good isn't going to last. If you read the research on it, it does find that this goes away with time and people feel more optimistic again as they get older.

Ah yes the fetish versus paraphilia (in this case lipophilia) dilemma. The truth to me is that both have equally bad connotations. Fetish for boinking your step-mother versus a paraphilia for kids (pedophilia)?? Yes that one may be an extreme example but it seems classifying fat admiration as a paraphilia is no better than as a fetish. So do we (FAs) all just put a gun to our heads and be done with it!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The fact is that for the vast majority of FAs, we can have a fatty we desire and live a reasonably full life. Will that said fatty be as big as we dream of ? - could be but then you must accept many more consequences such as the person (especially a woman) may not be able to have kids and take care of those little rascals when they get to running around. Shortened life spans for USSBBW (and men) is a given. But long life nowadays means 80+ years. Living to 60+ is not the end of the world. Quality of life is a whole other issue........

I still think, that if we had the wherewithal, we should push to making fat admiration an actual sexual orientation in its own right. In other words not a fetish or a paraphilia, but just a 'thing' that is there and such a POWERFUL effect and grip on so many people's psyches.

I'm 40 actually. Also polyamorous and one of my relationships is over a decade, so I do understand the whole "unconditional love" thing.

This guy knows about my attraction. I met him on a plus-size app and was upfront about it. He has given me unfettered access to his belly and loves the attention (yay!). So yeah, he wouldn't be assuming I would want him to lose weight!

The whole problem is that for me this is not comparable to any other physical changes. I've never been attracted to baldness but that's negligible compared to love/whole-person attraction.

Yes, I could still love someone who goes from fat to thin. I could still be physically attracted to them, even. But - and I don't even know how to describe this really - when it comes to this fetish (I will always call it that because it's something else entirely to other attractions or preferences I have) it will be really upsetting. It's like grief and hurt, feelings which can of course interfere with other feelings. The best I can do is try and bury it.

Haha, I meant "normies" in the sense of people who don't have this kind of attraction (the way it is for me).

Edited to add: Maaayyybe part of it is that it's technically something they can control. I get upset when they choose to change in that way, frustrated because of course I have no right to a say, and angry with myself for not being able (mentally and emotionally) to be impartial and supportive. And of course I'm unable to express any of this, because it's not fair to a partner to make them feel bad about their own body choices. I wouldn't want them to know I feel sad and am losing (a very specific type of) attraction to them.

The polyamorous part makes me confused about where you are actually coming from. To me polyamory is not unconditional love, but rather conditional on people being willing to accept their lover also being intimate with others. I have been intrigued by the idea in the past, but right now I would say it is just an excuse for promiscuity (aka have your cake and eat it too). Or is this just a warmed over version of old school polygamy!? Sorry but that's just how I view it.

 

[Anomaly]

Ah yes the fetish versus paraphilia (in this case lipophilia) dilemma. The truth to me is that both have equally bad connotations. Fetish for boinking your step-mother versus a paraphilia for kids (pedophilia)?? Yes that one may be an extreme example but it seems classifying fat admiration as a paraphilia is no better than as a fetish. So do we (FAs) all just put a gun to our heads and be done with it!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The fact is that for the vast majority of FAs, we can have a fatty we desire and live a reasonably full life. Will that said fatty be as big as we dream of ? - could be but then you must accept many more consequences such as the person (especially a woman) may not be able to have kids and take care of those little rascals when they get to running around. Shortened life spans for USSBBW (and men) is a given. But long life nowadays means 80+ years. Living to 60+ is not the end of the world. Quality of life is a whole other issue........

I still think, that if we had the wherewithal, we should push to making fat admiration an actual sexual orientation in its own right. In other words not a fetish or a paraphilia, but just a 'thing' that is there and such a POWERFUL effect and grip on so many people's psyches.

The polyamorous part makes me confused about where you are actually coming from. To me polyamory is not unconditional love, but rather conditional on people being willing to accept their lover also being intimate with others. I have been intrigued by the idea in the past, but right now I would say it is just an excuse for promiscuity (aka have your cake and eat it too). Or is this just a warmed over version of old school polygamy!? Sorry but that's just how I view it.

The way I understood it, 'paraphilia' is just the medical term for a fetish? :-/

I have no idea about the step-mother. I'm not sure that would be classed as a fetish or how it would work. But paedophiles and necrophiles, bestialists etc. probably could be described as fetishists, but the difference between these and and someone who has a fat fetish or a hair fetish is that their fetishes cannot ever be legally or morally acted upon. Living with this thing (whatever we want to call it) has given me a degree of compassion for people in this sort of situation (and by that I don't include people with these fixations who give in to them and harm children and animals) in that I'm convinced people have no choice in their sexualities/fetishes, and they ought to be entitled to therapy to make sure they don't turn into abusers and to help them come to terms with the fact that they will never be able to fulfil that part of themselves.

Many fetishes aren't illegal, but create hardship in people's lives because they're very difficult or even impossible to fulfil. Fat men of the sort I'm attracted to (I mean fat everywhere, and not just someone with a hard 'beer belly' made from abdominal fat who is average-size elsewhere) are rare where I live For some people, it is more of a preference in a spectrum of sexuality as posts by others here show, but for others they're stuck with an inability to be sexually aroused other than by this one thing.

I absolutely agree with the long life comment. Having watched a couple of relatives deteriorate in old age, I wouldn't want it for myself or anyone I love. And there's an interesting double standard in society's attitude to women being fat and women having children. Not all women are even interested in being mothers and pregnancy can cause serious complications, long-term medical issues, and even death, in a way that's comparable to how being fat can, so why are so many people's attitudes to a woman's personal choice of being fat and the choice of having a child so polarised?

Polyamory I think is a trendy modern word for something that's discreetly been around forever. I probably wouldn't use it myself and would call it having a paramour or 'a bit on the side'. If you've been in a relationship a long time, the sexual element and having fun just being with the other person can wear off, but that doesn't diminish the companionship and stability you both get from it. If you meet someone else you enjoy in that way, seeing the person on the side can be a valid alternative to breaking up your existing relationship. If everyone involved is happy with the arrangement, then it's not hurting anyone else.

 

[JackCivelli]

The way I understood it, 'paraphilia' is just the medical term for a fetish? :-/

I have no idea about the step-mother. I'm not sure that would be classed as a fetish or how it would work. But paedophiles and necrophiles, bestialists etc. probably could be described as fetishists, but the difference between these and and someone who has a fat fetish or a hair fetish is that their fetishes cannot ever be legally or morally acted upon. Living with this thing (whatever we want to call it) has given me a degree of compassion for people in this sort of situation (and by that I don't include people with these fixations who give in to them and harm children and animals) in that I'm convinced people have no choice in their sexualities/fetishes, and they ought to be entitled to therapy to make sure they don't turn into abusers and to help them come to terms with the fact that they will never be able to fulfil that part of themselves.

Many fetishes aren't illegal, but create hardship in people's lives because they're very difficult or even impossible to fulfil. Fat men of the sort I'm attracted to (I mean fat everywhere, and not just someone with a hard 'beer belly' made from abdominal fat who is average-size elsewhere) are rare where I live For some people, it is more of a preference in a spectrum of sexuality as posts by others here show, but for others they're stuck with an inability to be sexually aroused other than by this one thing.

I absolutely agree with the long life comment. Having watched a couple of relatives deteriorate in old age, I wouldn't want it for myself or anyone I love. And there's an interesting double standard in society's attitude to women being fat and women having children. Not all women are even interested in being mothers and pregnancy can cause serious complications, long-term medical issues, and even death, in a way that's comparable to how being fat can, so why are so many people's attitudes to a woman's personal choice of being fat and the choice of having a child so polarised?

Polyamory I think is a trendy modern word for something that's discreetly been around forever. I probably wouldn't use it myself and would call it having a paramour or 'a bit on the side'. If you've been in a relationship a long time, the sexual element and having fun just being with the other person can wear off, but that doesn't diminish the companionship and stability you both get from it. If you meet someone else you enjoy in that way, seeing the person on the side can be a valid alternative to breaking up your existing relationship. If everyone involved is happy with the arrangement, then it's not hurting anyone else.

I think people get too hung up on terminology. Yes, to some people, the words “fetish”, “kink”, and “paraphilia” all have negative connotations. And just calling it a “preference” isn’t really accurate, since that would make it akin to preferring a partner with a certain eye or hair color, and feedism (and adjacent interests) are usually associated much more intrinsically to our desires than that.
Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter what we call it within our own community. Trying to explain it to outsiders is a different story. Although I think most people understand that having a paraphilia doesn’t usually involve something as extreme or morally reprehensible as pedophilia, necrophilia, or zoophilia. I think fetish is a reasonable enough blanket term for PR reasons, since all a fetish means is a fixation. There are fishes that have no sexual implications at all, which also includes asexual members of our community. “Kink” and “paraphilia” both are necessarily sexual in nature. So if you consider it important to put a name to it, “fetish” is probably the best, most inclusive, blanket term.

However, as you pointed out, this community is incredibly diverse. Aside from the fact that some (probably most) consider this a sexual orientation, others do not associate it with sex at all, but within those two categories there are so many variables. Most are interested in fatness, but some are really more interested in stuffing, bloating, inflation, blueberry, breeding/pregnancy (both traditional and mpreg), and a host of other niches. Some enjoy static fatness, and others are interested in feeding or gaining. And within that category, there are multiple variations of feeder/feedee configurations, plus mutual feeders/gainers.

Some like fatness for purely aesthetic and/or tactile reasons. They find a fat partner sexy and fun to touch and squeeze and cuddle. Others like it because they enjoy the idea of losing control, or taking control in some cases. For some it is a form of rebellion, having been shamed or forced to stay in shape by someone in their past, including themselves. To some, it’s the ultimate form of freedom and acceptance, having a partner they know will love them no matter how much they let themselves go.

There are people who like the idea of gaining to immobility. Others are out off by that idea. There are death feedists on the extreme end of the spectrum. There are some who like the idea of their weight or eating habits being a spectacle, and others who consider it one of the most private parts of who they are.

For many it’s purely fantasy, only wanting to role play, or read stories, or look at and chat with sexy fatties. For others it’s not enough if they aren’t actually engaging in some form of practice, either Ali e or with a partner.

It’s often attached to a separate kink, such as BDSM, DDLG, furries, or any number of outside interests.

When you consider all that, it becomes extremely difficult to find a single word that accurately represents the whole
of the community.

 

[loopytheone]

Beautifully said Jack.




For clarification on the polyamory thing, it is when a person has multiple partners. Each partner and each relationship is as important and valid as the others. It's no more conditional than monogamous love, and it's nothing like having an open relationship or 'a bit on the side'.

Whether or not you understand the intricacies of polyamory, I would like to point out that we are a site that accepts people of different sexualities and don't accept discrimination towards people just for doing things a non-standard way. Just bare that in mind, guys.