FA Frustrations

Discussion in 'BBW/FA Board' started by huge, Jan 14, 2015.

  1. Jan 14, 2015 #1

    huge

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    Do you guys feel like you have a less active dating life because of your preferences?

    That's to say, do you find it harder to meet women and take them out? / Feel like you see more thin girls than fat girls?

    Also, swinger, single, married, or in a relationship?
     
  2. Jan 14, 2015 #2

    magodamilion

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    Yeah I fully agree with that.

    I'm an FFA with a completely inactive dating life and I think that's part of it, sheer numbers.

    If approximately 15% of the general population is obese and more older people are then younger people, we could estimate that maybe 5% of guys under 30 are BHM's. And out of that small number about 99.999% of them aren't attracted to me or are married or are religious. I wish I could reprogram myself to be into whoever happens to be interested in me (which is barely anyone) but that just isn't physically possible.
     
  3. Jan 14, 2015 #3

    Amaranthine

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    I agree that numbers are a big part of it; when you try to incorporate personal preferences, both physical and mental, it seems as if you're looking at an impractically constricted pool.

    * Realistically speaking, you're just not going to be attracted to all BHMs. General appearance comes into play, hygiene, and the fact that people gain weight in different ways.

    * Intellectually and personality-wise, you're also just not going to be compatible with many, many people. Regardless of their body. Especially when religiousness is a deal-breaker, though I haven't had much trouble finding fellow seculars online or in school. Then again, I do not live in Texas.

    * Insecurity + body issues: FAs probably have to deal with that obstacle more than the average non-FA.

    Personally, I've never really been approached by a BHM. Plenty of thin men. Women don't typically have to adopt the role of the pursuer, but I think being an FFA might change that dynamic a bit, in many cases. I'm currently in a relationship; my dating life has actually been, comparatively, very active...except that wouldn't be the case if I hadn't also dated non-BHMs. At times I've definitely wished I had a wider range of attraction.
     
  4. Jan 14, 2015 #4

    The Orange Mage

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    Being real with myself helped this regards. The various "things" I have narrowed things down over time quite a bit.

    First I realized while young I liked fat women. Okay, simple enough. However, I realized shortly thereafter that most women hated being fat and being with someone who liked that aspect of them wasn't going to work.

    This point would have been in high school, so as you might imagine, finding a fat girl who liked her body as much as I did was impossible.

    Then I got my head out of my ass and realized I was feedist. This had a dual effect because a large percentage of women who identify as feedees love their bodies! However, there are simply very very few feedees out there. I got lucky and hit it off with someone who was.

    (Later I would realize I'm trans, which narrows things down further to trans-accepting lesbians, bisexuals, pansexuals, etc. IT'S BEEN A HELL OF A RIDE LEMME TELL YA)
     
  5. Jan 14, 2015 #5

    choudhury

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    Speaking as a male FA, I don't think there is a shortage of BBWs out there. If we're talking about extreme obesity, then yes, but if we mean by 'BBW' all women who are significantly overweight, then the percentages seem pretty good.

    My frustrations, back when I was dating (I'm married now), were twofold:

    1. A lot of attractive BBWs didn't present themselves as attractive. They had, I felt and still feel, a disproportionate tendency to dress drably, for instance. Low self-esteem is obviously a factor in this, and outward style and expression of low self-regard. Speaking purely a 'selfish' viewpoint, seeing beauty hiding itself under baggy shirts, hoodies, etc., is uninspiring and a bit gloomy, and it's hard to be super-excited about asking someone out when they're radiating indifference to themselves.

    2. I had my own self-esteem issues, and being an FA made it harder. It was as if there was an extra layer of confusion/insecurity, centred in having unfashionable preferences, added to the fairly normal confusion and insecurities of being a single young person. That said, FAness wasn't the main problem. But it didn't help my confidence any to have my tastes be regarded by male friends or associates as 'weird' or 'disgusting.' (The latter being a word I would NEVER use regarding the body of any woman).
     
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  6. Jan 15, 2015 #6

    lille

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    Along with self esteem, you need to factor in the fact that fat women are told they cannot wear the same fashionable things as thinner women, and that their choices are much more limited because fewer stores sell fashionable clothing in plus sizes. And some of the places that sell plus sizes just sell larger versions of smaller clothes, instead of designing things meant to fit and flatter larger bodies. Even if they want to dress well, it's harder than it would be for a thinner woman.
     
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  7. Jan 15, 2015 #7

    choudhury

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    That's a good point. And I've never understood this. If 1/3 of the population is overweight, that is a huge market (excuse the pun). Why don't retailers supply nice clothes to that under-served demographic? It seems like they're leaving profits on the table for no reason other than fat-phobia.

    The flip side of this is that you do see BBWs now and then presenting themselves very stylishly. I was knocked out a little while ago by a twentysomething BBW in a bookstore who was wearing a really stylin' fall jacket and scarf and just looked gorgeous. So, some BBWs do find ways to present themselves attractively. I still think a disproportionate number prefer to take the "what's the use?" approach, and - from the "FA frustration" standpoint - that's really too bad.
     
  8. Jan 16, 2015 #8

    Dr. Feelgood

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    There'$ probably a rea$on for thi$. BBW's tell me that really nice clothes in large sizes are disproportionately more expensive than in misses' sizes, even taking into account the fact that they require more material. This may be changing as businessmen slowly come to realize how much demand there is for style in larger sizes. At least we can hope. :)
     
  9. Jan 16, 2015 #9

    Tad

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    This will overlap somewhat with lower self-esteem, but only in part: some fat people really prefer not to be noticed. Presumably because their experience is that being noticed brings bad things more than good things. This will tend to result in clothing and general fashion choices meant to camouflage and fade, rather than to stand out and reveal. Not good for FA that want to see those fat bodies, but it may be making life less stressful for the person inside the clothes.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2015
  10. Jan 16, 2015 #10

    Marlayna

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    Very perceptive. :bow:
     
  11. Jan 16, 2015 #11

    olwen

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    There is a whole fatshion world out there where fat girls have to go out of our way to find awesome clothes. But that's just it. We have to go out of our way. Nice fashionable clothes have to be curated like museum pieces because they are so hard to find. Not every girl (even skinny ones) is into fashion to begin with. Some girls are girly girls and some prefer to dress more masculine and some like a mix of both.

    Clothing manufactures cite the expense to make larger sizes as the reason they don't offer them. Some bullshit about having to buy new sets of equipment and new patterns, and new fit models, not just more fabric as cost prohibitive. There was recently a petition going around to old navy because a woman noticed the men's plus size pants cost the same as straight sizes but that women's plus size pants cost twice as much even tho the sizes for plus size men and women were comparable. Old Navy said the cost was higher for plus size women's clothes because of the cost of production was higher for reasons I stated above. So the kinds of clothes we'd like to wear often just don't exist, or if they do they cost too much. So we end up wearing what fits and what is affordable. Because fashion rules dictate that fat girls should only wear certain kinds of clothes the choices are sometimes drab. A girl cannot live in poly-cotton blends alone.

    Some fat girls do prefer comfort over style. Some days I wear super cute dresses and some days I wear a tshirt and a pair of jeans. I really hope on the days I'm wearing a tshirt and jeans that dudes don't think I'm not trying, cause on those days I'm really not thinking about what a dude is going to think. I'm just thinking that I'd really like to wear a doctor who tshirt and a pair of jeans with my addidas that day cause I feel like it.
     
  12. Jan 16, 2015 #12

    fritzi

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    From my observation it at least in part has to something to do with it that fashion companies prize image almost as much as they do profit.

    I'm a size 14-16, meaning I can shop at the upper end of regular sizes and at the lower end of real plus-sizes.

    With regular sizes at the begin of the season, you find like 5 pieces of a style stocked in size 4-8, 4 items in size 10-12 and only 2 items in size 14-16. At the end of the season the picture mostly is 4 pieces size 4, 3 pieces size 6 and 1 piece size 8 as leftovers on sale.

    This isn't a one-off, but a regular pattern you'll find in most stores. To me it seems that fashion retailers are more keen on maintaining their image of making fashion for thin, trendy, chic women than for the actual shopping demographic. And it can be assumed that the bigger the size, the more potentially image damaging it sees to a fashion company. For a business perspective I don't get it...
     
  13. Jan 16, 2015 #13

    Dr. Feelgood

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    After thirty years of attempting to teach business majors, I seriously doubt that American industry is run by the brightest crayons in the box. :rolleyes:
     
  14. Jan 16, 2015 #14

    loopytheone

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    The talk about clothes and stuff is very interesting to me. Especially as I am a BBW and have noticed that people can treat me very differently depending on the way I am dressed.

    Most of the time I dress I dress in trainers, sweat pants, a men's t-shirt, no bra, no makeup, and just brushed but not styled hair. This is normal for me because this is how I feel comfortable. But often, when dressed like this, I get disregarded and ignored.

    The other day I was going to view a flat and so had to look 'responsible' and so went out in makeup, hair up and styled, long skirt, boots etc and the way I am looked at and responded to is very different. I am taken more seriously by people when I am dressed like that. I find it pretty frustrating as I find being done up like this seriously uncomfortable, like I am in drag or something. It doesn't seem fair I get treated so much better when I look that way.

    It is also frustrating to me that so many people negatively judge a woman for not wearing 'nice' clothes. There is even some of that on this board, with the implication that unless a woman is dressed stylishly then she has low self esteem, or she is trying to hide herself, or she has given up on life. That's kinda a horrible thing to assume/put on someone when you think about it, isn't it? I mean, it hurts to think that people think I have 'given up on myself' just because I'm fat and prefer the style of clothes that I like.

    Just a thought for you all.
     
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  15. Jan 16, 2015 #15

    YoJoshua

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    I have found this to be true as well. There was a woman I knew who deliberately "kept herself at a high weight" because when she did, men looked right past her, and that's how she wanted it. When she lost weight and men started coming at her with sexual energy, ie "I would tap that" she didn't like it. She also said being fat was a way to make people get to know her, to "look past" her body. I don't think she had an idea that there were guys who would like her BECAUSE of her high weight. This was a long time ago, and one person doesn't represent everyone but it was illuminating for me personally. Everyone always makes blanket assumptions about why someone is big but there are so many, many different nuances and reasons, some biological, some emotional, some sexual, or all the above.
     
  16. Jan 16, 2015 #16

    bigmac

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    When I was dating I would see lots of attractive large women. However, I usually encountered them in situations were it would be inappropriate to approach them. Women -- fat or thin -- generally don't like being approached by a stranger while they're trying to get their grocery shopping done.

    In situations and at places where women are generally more open to being approached (i.e. bars, pubs, clubs, parties) large women are a rarity. In effect, by staying home, many large women take themselves out of the dating pool. BBW events ameliorate this situation for a certain demographic only.
     
  17. Jan 16, 2015 #17

    YoJoshua

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    I have to disagree with this, while respecting your experience and loving the word "ameliorate"...

    Grocery stores in my opinion are some of the greatest places to make conversation with attractive strangers! I love to cook and I find so many women are ready to "assist" you when you say, "I am trying to make this lasagna, but I don't know if I should use frozen spinach or fresh..." etc. :)

    I am talking about true conversation, not conversation with a subtext of "The whole reason I am talking to you is to get you to come home with me and take your clothes off."

    :)
     
  18. Jan 16, 2015 #18

    bigmac

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    Maybe some people can get away with approaching random women. However some of us are more likely to get pepper sprayed than to get a phone number.

    If you're a guy and you fit a stereotype of what a "bad" guy looks like you have to tread very lightly.
     
  19. Jan 16, 2015 #19

    FatAndProud

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    You suck at asking women out, we get it. You're married so don't worry about it. However, don't be jealous of other men that have the big brass balls to ask a woman out, regardless of her weight. Grown men need to grow up. Ugggghhhhhhh.
     
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  20. Jan 17, 2015 #20

    bigmac

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    While I didn't and wouldn't accost women on the street I did manage to hook-up with my fair share of females. Indeed many more than most of the guys with "balls" you reference. Propositioning women on the street is actually the polar opposite of what it means to be a grown-up.
     

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