FA Frustrations

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Yakatori

Hard to say, really...
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The whole advantage of going to a bar or other traditional singles setting is built around 1) the sheer numbers of roughly compatible people involved (age, class, interest) and 2) that most people are drinking, at least a little, and are therefore a little less inhibited. So, in aggregate, this factors substantially as a social elixir.

But for people otherwise at the margins (different/distinct look, personality,interests, p.o.v. etc...) this is typically offset by (at least the appearance of) increased-competition. From everything else in the entire environment, that's also placing some demands on their interest's attention. Including their own friends, other people they're out with, that they also have to give some polite consideration to.

(This is unless, of course, going up to an entire group of people and engratiating yourself with literally everyone at once happens to be your forte- in which case it's more probable that you are already, in fact, an actual player. And, in that case, everything else functions as prop or tool in your own performance.)

So, that's why some portion of higher-functioning nerds will actually tend to do bit better just within their own personal, respectful domains of nerd-dom. Like, for one who plays the dulcimer or accordian, maybe there's a good number of people who're like "w-w-wHut's the matter with that guy?" Or " what's such a big deal about him?!" But then, back in the small pond of that particular guy's your own local bluegrass community, it's like he's some sort of rock star or something.

So,maybe, for some of you, it's that you happen to be approaching these guys within their own personal element of rock-stardom. Where're they're necessarily distracted by all that comes with that; and so, therefore, it just requires that much more to maintain their undivided attention. Or, conversely, you just need to find a rock-stardom of your own. From within which you can wield a more direct influence over whatever the social dynamics might be.
 

Durin

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ohio
If you want to dip your toe in Nerdvanna I would suggest going to a convention in your area. Lots of fun people watching and lots of fun things going on.
 

Dr. Feelgood

intellectual nerd
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If you want to dip your toe in Nerdvanna I would suggest going to a convention in your area. Lots of fun people watching and lots of fun things going on.
Or a Renaissance Fair. In my experience, they consist almost entirely of BBW's, BHM's, FA's, FFA's, and people who just love smoked turkey legs.
 

bigmac

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The whole advantage of going to a bar or other traditional singles setting is built around 1) the sheer numbers of roughly compatible people involved (age, class, interest) and 2) that most people are drinking, at least a little, and are therefore a little less inhibited. So, in aggregate, this factors substantially as a social elixir.

...
And lets not forget the most important point. People go to bars and clubs to socialize. At these establishments women are going to be much more receptive. On the street women generally don't like sexual attention -- at a club they'll be upset if they're not being noticed.
 

fuelingfire

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May 10, 2006
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494
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Wisconsin
I went out 3 times with my BBW wing woman. I believe my theory is correct, and I was noticed by more BBWs when accompanied by a BBW. Though of the girls I talked to we had personalities that clashed with mine. I only went out 3 times though because I was impatient and joined match.com. and within a week found a (ss)BBW within an hours drive that I really hit it off with. I personally would encourage anyone who is having a problem meeting people to join a dating site. There is a filter, at least on match, for body type preference. Plus people can see your preferred body type preference, so people would know right away that you prefer “big and beautiful” or “a few extra pounds”. Just don’t be creepy. This wasn’t meant as a plug for that site, just letting people know, cause I had no idea.
 

Tad

mostly harmless
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The great white north, eh?
Natsuki: I think that sites like this have seldom been very good at pulling in non-FA BHM. There are some, but I think at first blush the sites seem to be about male FA and BBW, and a lot of fat guys that might be looking for a place keep on looking (pure speculation on my part....maybe fat guys who like thin women are just less apt to go looking for web sites catering that feeling?) Whatever the reasons, I'm strongly suspect that many, probably most, bigger guys share the general preference for thinner women.... how you connect with them, however, I can't say.
 

Yakatori

Hard to say, really...
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New York
"...sites like this have seldom been very good at pulling in non-FA BHM. There are some, but I think at first blush the sites seem to be about male FA and BBW, and...suspect that many, probably most, bigger guys share the general preference for thinner women...."
I will go out on a limb here: People, in general, don't really have a type. There are certain traits or criteria they look for. But, as with purchasing decisions, a lot of what gravitates the seeking of personal relationships in one particular direction or another also has a lot to do with a (then) more noticeably-absent, deeper, & perhaps even unconscious, repulsion of things we know we don't like or want to avoid?

So, each connection between any given two people is sort of unique in terms of being specific to where those particular people are in themselves and life in general at that particular point in time.

Although, I would be curious to see the results of a poll here, but not using the labels per se; just asking "How many of you would consider, all things being equal....dating, connecting with this type of person.." So, that said, I would predict that most of the Fat guys here would at least consider dating a more thin or averaged sized woman, assuming other criteria lined up (personality, interests, etc...) even if they wouldn't necessarily be as inclined to approach such a lady.

EDIT: Here is a poll, for what it's worth.
 

Wolfie

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FFA frustration: I go to a small private college which is unbelievably dominated by tan fraternity athletes. I think I've seen two or three larger men on campus, and even they looked like stereotypical Greek life jocks. The only men I've found attractive in body and personality are taken. The joys of being a sapiosexual adipophile nerd. The worst part is that a surprising number of men (and women) I've met lately have told me I'm pretty or made advances, none of them my type. It's like pouring salt on a wound. Anyway, I'm such a shy voyeur I probably wouldn't be able to approach a man I found attractive, but would just stare from the shadows like the creepy person I am. What I wouldn't give for a sexy, smart BHM...

On the funny side, another FFA frustration is that whenever people around me talk about gaining weight or binge eating I just kind of zone out and have to pretend I can still hear what they're saying. Or when an SSBHM especially is in the vicinity I have a really hard time paying attention to anything else.
 

fuelingfire

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May 10, 2006
Messages
494
Location
Wisconsin
FFA frustration: I go to a small private college which is unbelievably dominated by tan fraternity athletes. I think I've seen two or three larger men on campus, and even they looked like stereotypical Greek life jocks. The only men I've found attractive in body and personality are taken. The joys of being a sapiosexual adipophile nerd. The worst part is that a surprising number of men (and women) I've met lately have told me I'm pretty or made advances, none of them my type. It's like pouring salt on a wound. Anyway, I'm such a shy voyeur I probably wouldn't be able to approach a man I found attractive, but would just stare from the shadows like the creepy person I am. What I wouldn't give for a sexy, smart BHM...

On the funny side, another FFA frustration is that whenever people around me talk about gaining weight or binge eating I just kind of zone out and have to pretend I can still hear what they're saying. Or when an SSBHM especially is in the vicinity I have a really hard time paying attention to anything else.
As most people in college are 20ish, you are more likely to see thin people there. When people are closer to 30ish they usually are a bit heavier. You will see in most campuses that most of the people attending are thinner. I remember the frustration as well.
 

Tad

mostly harmless
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The great white north, eh?
I used to go out 'into town' and away from the university zone, just to see more fat people. Between the age, some of the socio-economic factors that impact both fatness and going to a college like that, and probably some self-selection.... I'm not suprirsed to hear that it is a rough spot for FAs.

ETA: I should add, I did end up meeting my wife at the University. She was pretty thin at the time but somehow hit a bunch of my hot buttons anyway, and I decided that some casual dating couldn't hurt, if only to build up my dating skills. Then we just really hit it off, I realized that I didn't do 'casual' well and worried about how this could interact with my FA0ness...... then I discovered that she was walking about 1.5 hours a day plus had a part time job that was quite active but was only eating about one to one and a bit meals a day, that she loved food and had a huge appetite when she did eat, and after a bit more time I met her rather fat parents, and I decided that the FA side of me would probably be fine if I was just patient--and that part all worked out.

So I guess I'm saying even when things look pretty 'thin,' there can be hidden possibilities :)
 

BBPrince

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Yes it does! The greatest challenge to me is to be a BHM and a FA who likes SSBBWs.
 

Tad

mostly harmless
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Sep 29, 2005
Messages
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The great white north, eh?
For various reasons, some no-doubt related, my wife’s weight is up to an all-time high, and her libido is down to an all-time low. Combine that with Summer clothes that show the latter development in a lovely fashion, and :doh: :doh: :doh:

(eta: there are all sorts of more practical concerns in here, but I was just venting about the frustrated libido part of things--it is not my biggest concern in life at the moment, but it is nice to have a place where people could understand that aspect of it)
 

Deannie

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A young man had a crush on me.

Not sure why, because I am 40 to his 20. Maybe a first time FA thing?

He says to me "You are pretty fat."

Then blushes and stutters "I mean, you are pretty and fat."

He then begins to apologise awkwardly.

I just smiled and said, "I know I am fat. That's okay, but in the future if you like a girl just tell her she is pretty."

He was so young, I was just trying to coach him. I hope I didn't do the wrong thing.
 

loopytheone

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A young man had a crush on me.

Not sure why, because I am 40 to his 20. Maybe a first time FA thing?

He says to me "You are pretty fat."

Then blushes and stutters "I mean, you are pretty and fat."

He then begins to apologise awkwardly.

I just smiled and said, "I know I am fat. That's okay, but in the future if you like a girl just tell her she is pretty."

He was so young, I was just trying to coach him. I hope I didn't do the wrong thing.
Sounds like you were very sweet to him! Bless him, I know I have had some really young guys hit on me and it is kinda amusing.
 

happily_married

Happy to be part of Dims!
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A young man had a crush on me.

Not sure why, because I am 40 to his 20. Maybe a first time FA thing?

He says to me "You are pretty fat."

Then blushes and stutters "I mean, you are pretty and fat."

He then begins to apologise awkwardly.

I just smiled and said, "I know I am fat. That's okay, but in the future if you like a girl just tell her she is pretty."

He was so young, I was just trying to coach him. I hope I didn't do the wrong thing.
I had a few moments like that when I first started dating BBWs. I was 24 or so. I had one woman ask me why I wanted "a girl like her" which, in the context of her question, meant "why do you want to date a fat girl?" Before thinking of how to word it, I blurted out, "I like fat girls." Oh, gosh, I was dumb. I learned how to answer that question (which I encountered in some form or another many times) in such a way that I was true to my preferences but conveyed that I valued each individual for her own merit, and not just because she was fat. I could have used a coach, but I eventually got it right!:)
 

lostinadaydream

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Jun 25, 2007
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258
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Germany
I've a lot of frustration when I just want to tell a big girl that I like her and why. It's just impossible! Even girls I know for a long time, over a decade now, who are used to my preference of bigger girls and who know that I like them chubby, are kind of upset when I try to tell them that I love their chub. No matter how often I said positive things about their character and noted why we are good friends, it is definitively impossible to state that they have a sexy shape or that I love their rolls and chub. :(
 

TwoSwords

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Jan 7, 2017
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, Male
Do you guys feel like you have a less active dating life because of your preferences?

That's to say, do you find it harder to meet women and take them out? / Feel like you see more thin girls than fat girls?

Also, swinger, single, married, or in a relationship?
I definitely don't see that many fat girls in my real life, to the point where individual "sightings" become major memories in my mind, but I don't think it's really effected my social life much.

The overall negative attitude that most girls have about fatness has hurt it a lot more.
 

TwoSwords

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Jan 7, 2017
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It really has more to do with how they don't really have so much invested in talking or negotiating with any one person. They literally approach hundreds if not thousands of people in the course of a week's time.

Intuitively, they seem to know precisely just how much to put into a relationship as to barely maintain it. But, again, it's more about volume; against the odds of such a wide pool, they're practically guaranteed to "get lucky" with a (relatively) much more consistent frequency.
Gosh, what a depressing thought, that just having those kinds of strong, sincere feelings for a single person hurts their chances of finding happiness so badly. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but if any part of this is true, I feel nothing but pity for Prince Charming from "Snow White," who was clearly only interested in one girl.

In fact, if this is true, I think escapism should be immediately de-stigmatized. If such powerful emotions are going to be dragged through the dirt as a matter of course, no one can be reasonably blamed for wanting to escape from reality for a while.
 

quantumbits

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Feb 3, 2017
Messages
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, Male
The talk about clothes and stuff is very interesting to me. Especially as I am a BBW and have noticed that people can treat me very differently depending on the way I am dressed.

Most of the time I dress I dress in trainers, sweat pants, a men's t-shirt, no bra, no makeup, and just brushed but not styled hair. This is normal for me because this is how I feel comfortable. But often, when dressed like this, I get disregarded and ignored.

The other day I was going to view a flat and so had to look 'responsible' and so went out in makeup, hair up and styled, long skirt, boots etc and the way I am looked at and responded to is very different. I am taken more seriously by people when I am dressed like that. I find it pretty frustrating as I find being done up like this seriously uncomfortable, like I am in drag or something. It doesn't seem fair I get treated so much better when I look that way.

It is also frustrating to me that so many people negatively judge a woman for not wearing 'nice' clothes. There is even some of that on this board, with the implication that unless a woman is dressed stylishly then she has low self esteem, or she is trying to hide herself, or she has given up on life. That's kinda a horrible thing to assume/put on someone when you think about it, isn't it? I mean, it hurts to think that people think I have 'given up on myself' just because I'm fat and prefer the style of clothes that I like.

Just a thought for you all.
Regardless how uncomfortable it's for you to dress nicely and use makeup and all that, people generally respond more positively to others if it looks like they put effort into their appearance. I know it's harder for you to dress nicely because of your weight and available clothing choices.
 

quantumbits

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Feb 3, 2017
Messages
56
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, Male
Gosh, what a depressing thought, that just having those kinds of strong, sincere feelings for a single person hurts their chances of finding happiness so badly. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but if any part of this is true, I feel nothing but pity for Prince Charming from "Snow White," who was clearly only interested in one girl.

In fact, if this is true, I think escapism should be immediately de-stigmatized. If such powerful emotions are going to be dragged through the dirt as a matter of course, no one can be reasonably blamed for wanting to escape from reality for a while.
That reminds me more of a introverted person. And their trouble isn't being focused on a single person but not possessing the skills to interact socially under all conditions..

Who ever focuses on a single person? To develop social skills, we have to talk to a variety of people. Having a single love interest doesn't prevent someone from communicate with many others.
 
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