FA Frustrations

Discussion in 'BBW/FA Board' started by huge, Jan 14, 2015.

  1. Dec 19, 2017 #81

    TwoSwords

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    Well, sure, when it comes to just normal friendships, but I didn't think that's what we were talking about.

    There are also other problems. When a person's interests and passions are uncommon, finding many different people to share them with becomes very unlikely. For instance, I've shared with literally hundreds of people, most of whom have fled like frightened rabbits within the first half-hour of time we spent together.
     
  2. Jan 10, 2018 #82

    BHMluver

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    Over time I have become ever increasingly disenchanted w/ my spouse. Sometimes I wonder if I would not cut him loose save for the fact that he is a SSBHM. I have to ask myself, “Would I put up w/ all this crap if he were an average sized man?” (I know, ironic, huh?) A bit of size bias I guess ... ironically, cutting him break after break.

    At what point does one say, “I don’t care if you are a big man. I just can’t do “you” anymore? Feeling sooo sad ... maybe FFA break ups are harder than an “average” break-up?At the end of the day, maybe there are more fitting fish in the pond ... albeit, and hopefully, large ones?
     
  3. Jan 11, 2018 #83

    TwoSwords

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    Having a size preference is perfectly normal. I think if there's any real danger to the relationship, it would probably be best to discuss this with him seriously, and let him know how bothered you are by... whatever's bothering you. The honeymoon will end, no matter who you end up with. The important thing is how you cope with that, and what kind of a person you want to be as a result.
     
  4. Mar 5, 2018 #84

    extra_m13

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    you just hit the target. dating life will for sure be affected if you limited yourself to a specific kind of woman, so yeah if you are looking to date only bbw it will be difficult for many reasons. but of course, what is the point of dating skinny bitches who go to the gym 5 times a week?, thing is bbw are difficult to find for me at least, and as for all the population, they are not all beautiful or easy going and even a smaller number are happy with their curves so all they talk about is wanting to lose weight. finding a beautiful big woman, happy with her curves and happily eating without worrying about gaining weight is a true gem.
     
  5. Mar 6, 2018 #85

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    Sometimes I think maybe it's best to take a step back and breathe. If your preference is a bigger woman or man then the meeting might not happen because your mind is too targeted to find that perfect someone and they might pick up on this. I remember this one time when my partner and I went to go looking for clothes for her this one time. As we were moving about the aisles there were these two friends both on the heavy side. Well down by the change rooms while I was waiting for my partner to come out and show me how something looked on her one of these women came out and said to her friend what do you think about this. Her friend said it's a little too big don't you think and she replied back yeah I know but I love it so I'll grow into it. This is what I mean by taking a step back this was by chance what I overheard what you are looking for.
     
  6. Mar 6, 2018 #86

    TwoSwords

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    I'm curious. What did you mean by this part? If I ever sensed that someone thought I was the perfect partner, I would definitely not avoid them because of it, even if it wasn't a good fit on my end.
     
  7. Mar 6, 2018 #87

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    Maybe if your wanting to meet someone so much maybe your giving off an air of desperation which they pick up on that even so they might be interested at first sight in you they then see a red flag.
     
  8. Mar 6, 2018 #88

    Stephanie343

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    When you write a novel and the page times out and you lose it all. Fml.

    Agreed nothing stinks like desperation.
    Making friends is hard enough without throwing into the equation that you expect them to be an insta-partner.
    Like someone else said shopping is the perfect place to meet people. ‘Everyone needs to eat’. I could care less if I’m in a nightclub or the loo roll aisle of Tesco. If someone approaches me in a Friendly manner and strikes up conversation I’ll give them the time of day. Yes there are people out there who will take some affront to it, but you don’t know their life they may be in a rush or having a bad day. Don’t take it as straight up rejection.

    On the relationship front, I hate to think that my relationships are possibly viewed for something other than what they are.
    I am not nor will I ever accept being a fetish and only being dated because of my size. Wanna try bdsm or role play. Fair enough. But someone solely getting their kicks because of my weight is something I can’t grasp. I am so much more than that and knowing that if I ever wanted to change that that it would be a relationship issue smarts something rotten.
    I have read many threads on here and get the same feeling when I see that there are plenty who simply see fat people as the numbers on a scale. But who am I to judge. I just think it’s unfair to call unfairness when your preferences don’t seem to want to be fetishised.

    The clothing aspect, I feel as a large lady I need to make sure I’m well presented. It hurts my heart when I see a lovely outfit, but they only do it in size wouldntfitmyankleletalonemywaist. Making sure I’m well dressed means Atleast I can think if people are staring it’s because they’re purely dicks and not because I’m unkempt. I am guilty of judging plus sized women much smaller than me for what they wear. I think if I can at my size dress acceptable how can’t you ,must add though it’s not a long held judgement, I’m not that much of a twat.
    The way I dress myself and making sure my face is done is a safety blanket for me. I would love the confidence to walk out in my comfy joggers and hoody.

    ETA: Sorry, reread went off on a ramble. I suppose in short what I aim to say is just because someone is large doesn’t mean they are wanting to be seen the way some FA’s see them.
     
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  9. Mar 6, 2018 #89

    TwoSwords

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    I'm afraid I still don't understand. What is an "air" of desperation, and how can it be identified? I've never noticed this in others.
     
  10. Mar 6, 2018 #90

    TwoSwords

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    I'm not offended. At least, no more than usual. I'm also no more hurt than usual when people do this. The problem isn't my feelings, but rather, that their doing this impedes the process, and my knowing that they may have some reason or whatever does nothing to fix that.

    If someone thought a relationship with me was, let's say, a rock, I wouldn't get it, but I don't think I'd be offended.

    A "fetish" is always sexual in nature, and needing size/softness/what have you in a relationship is not necessarily.

    Being more than that is wonderful. However, it's one thing to be more than just a fat person, and it's another thing for fatness to be irrelevant or unimportant. I gleefully recognize that every fat woman has hopes, dreams, wishes, hobbies, work, family, problems, solutions, and for the most part, some philosophical position through which they approach the world (whether intentionally or otherwise.) That's fine, but thin people have those things too, so that's not enough by itself.

    The unfair part is the mis-applying of the words "fetish" and "fetishized" to things they don't apply to. I hear these words thrown around at everything from seductive artwork, to basic attraction, and all the way to simple preference for something the majority doesn't like. The vast majority of these things are not fetishes. Attraction is a normal part of relationships, as are preferences and needs, and from what I can tell, the main reason why some people call them fetishes is that they're still not comfortable with being preferred physically, and want to make it sound as bad as they feel it is. Frankly, I think it's more fat-hate fallout.

    I want large people to see themselves as healthy, human creatures, who are neither so repulsive that they need to get defensive, nor so immaculate that they have some right to "spend" the positive feelings of others around them as though it were currency. In short, as normal human beings.
     
  11. Mar 6, 2018 #91

    Stephanie343

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    ETD: I wrote another whole post pinpointing what was said in the above message. I decided I don’t need to explain myself further. My original post is how I feel about the matter. Take what you want from it.

    Great points you stated there TwoSwords. I think we’re on the same page. Maybe just of different books.
     
  12. Mar 7, 2018 #92

    TwoSwords

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    Well, I'll do my best to clarify any points of confusion as I multi-quote, the way you say you should.

    So... Does that make this not another day on the internet? My point was that offense isn't, to me, what matters, but rather the fact that certain behaviors get in the way of people meeting each other and making friends.

    This was in reply to your statement...

    I took this statement at face value, to mean that you hate it when people mistake a relationship for something which is not a relationship. A rock is just one example of this broad category of things-that-are-not-relationships.

    I know. The problem is, that's not what the word "fetish" means. The word "fetish" has only two definitions. One is a sexual obsession with something that is not specifically sex, and the other applies only to inanimate objects. To use it as an umbrella term for all pivotal interests is to misuse it. I could use it with precisely the same amount of validity to refer to the obsessive interest of a woman in the ability of a man to overlook the physical (and to thus not be a man.)

    See, again, I think there's some confusion here, or at least some potential for confusion. Just because a person may consider a quality (say, red hair,) important or even necessary in order to feel a certain way about you, does not mean that it's the only thing about you they like. It's much too common to equate these two things; the position that Quality X is necessary, and the position that Quality X is the only important thing. These are not the same.

    In my case, for example, the idea of embracing a person who is not very soft, quite frankly, revolts me. I do it on a regular basis with my family and friends because I'm kind of soft myself, and I want them to have the chance to feel what I can't, but it's always a sacrifice. It is very important; even necessary, if I'm going to get anything out of any physical element of a relationship.

    However, this is not the only thing in relationships that I need, or even the most important thing. The most important thing is honesty, and after that, the ability to share some-to-all of my feelings about fatness, because how else can it be a relationship, if we have nothing in common?

    This is why I draw a line of distinction between...

    What is needed to make a relationship work and...
    ------------------------------------------------------------
    What a relationship is all about.

    When I refer to "fat-hate fallout," this refers to any tendency that people develop as a result of the fact that fat-hate exists. For instance, if an FA becomes very reclusive and uncomfortable around other people as a result of bad experiences with fat-haters, his reclusive-ness and discomfort would be fat-hate fallout, even though it is not in any way fat-hating itself.

    Precisely.

    It sounds like we agree on a lot of the important things. And I wasn't trying to argue with you when I said that last bit. I was just stating my own position.
     
  13. Mar 7, 2018 #93

    Stephanie343

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    Thanks for the clarification.
     
  14. Mar 7, 2018 #94

    TwoSwords

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    You're welcome!
    :)
     
  15. Mar 7, 2018 #95

    LarryTheNoodleGuy

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    Thread is quite old, but interesting.

    I date via energy, nothing else. Nothing else will work. I can't even get "a rise" in bed unless I connect with the person heart-to-heart. I have been in bed with women who were absolutely enormous, and nothing happened because I felt they were rough or insensitive or dull or such, and I have been stupidly turned on by women who are borderline skeletal, just because of the way they were with me energetically.

    So, no, my preference doesn't limit my dating...if I like somebody, I like them, and there goes my heart, and off to the races, at my peril. I would prefer a partner with blobs and blobs of beautiful, soft, flabby, hanging pounds to adore, but absent that, there is so much more to share with another human being than the physical, I almost feel sometimes as if being physical is just one part of intimacy, and not the ultimate.
     
  16. Mar 7, 2018 #96

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    I think when you separate dreams (fantasy, wants) from your heart which I think are one and the same, your heart pays the tab and then your confidence is in disarray.
     
  17. Mar 7, 2018 #97

    TwoSwords

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    I've heard a lot of people claim this, and all I can say is that in a sense, you're fortunate. I think women would have an easier time understanding your feelings, which are flexible and less-than-fully-predictable, than they would mine, which change about as often as a mountain and are almost as easy to get over.
     
  18. Jun 9, 2018 #98

    Colonial Warrior

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    Dating for a FA besides most of the people think, is more difficult. It's more harder when you are SSBHM who wants a SSBBW. Your singlehood turns to be a so very heavy cross specially when you aren't looking for the big easy.

    I feel myself interested in SSBBWs for real. I didn't want to have a relationship with someone because I feel myself a looser.

    To the contrary, I will feel myself like a king who found a princess. Like the Greek myth of the king Pygmalion who fell in love with the statue he created, Galatea. And with the blessing of goddess Aphrodite. The statue gets life and they married!!!
     
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  19. Jun 9, 2018 #99

    Never2fat4me

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    Not sure it is necessarily harder, but I think you point out two very good things. (To note: I am BHM, not SSBHM, so this is only from my perspective.) In general, I think BHM have it far easier than BBW, insofar as there is far less prejudice against us than BBW. (Which in some way makes sense, where historically man has been the provider - and therefore big and strong is main attribute - while woman has been given the role of mother, where being sexually appealing is the main attribute. Not saying this is right or good, but just a fact of where we have been showing how we got to where we are now.) One thing hard about dating stems in part from that, insofar as we are expected to not like BBW - or even worse, SSBBW - or find them sexy. So you cannot really talk about your prefs in the same way as someone who likes a statuesque blonde might, and you sometimes get disapproval for whom you have chosen to date. But those are just unfortunate speed-bumps on the road to finding a perfect partner and are not hard to deal with. The challenge that bothers me more is how many (most, in my experience) very large SSBBW seem to have a pref for thin men. I don't fault them for it - heck, I am looking for a particular body type (very large SSBBW) - but it does suck and seem a bit ironic to be rejected for being too fat by those who have been rejected for being too fat for all their lives. I can only imagine how much harder it would be for an SSBHM, both in terms of probably there are even fewer SSBBWs who are attracted to SSBHM and because I have seen some women complain about the "logistics" of sex between two supersize partners make them unwilling to be open to a relationship with SSBHM.

    Bottom line is, dating sucks for most people and finding the perfect mate is never simple. Just keep up the good fight and you'll find the right woman to spend your life with!
     
  20. Jun 9, 2018 #100

    biggirlluvher

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    That's basically what I've been going through for the last few years. As I've gotten older and bigger myself, I had in my mind that I was going to pursue relationships with ssbbw. One of the problems with that is that there aren't many ssbbw in this part of Canada and little to no means of meeting them. There is the risk of linguistic differences as well because there is a strong French population in this city. I've made the 6-hour bus trek to & from to take part in some Toronto plus-size community events but at the end of it all, I've returned alone. Very few are ssbbw and they are taken. My being a member of most social media sites related to ssbbw has been my comfort. However, you can only live vicariously for so long. Some sites are a waste of time let alone trying to make a connection with someone. I've tried online dating but most of the bbw profiles are of women smaller than I'm seeking. As much as I'm not happy with the idea of a long distance relationship, I could be content if that were an option on the table now.

    July will make 3 years that my longest relationship ended. My ex was smaller than I was looking for as well and I initially didn't want to date her for that reason. I had been single for a while and was mildly interested in her when we first met. I figured I would at least give her, myself and the relationship a chance. Admittedly, I never got over my initial urges for women bigger than her throughout our relationship.

    When she ended it, I saw it as the opportunity to finally go for what I want after years of pining, wishing and hoping. I vowed I would not give up on my chances of dating ssbbw and started making some necessary arrangements to change my life. I'm completing a course to be a nurse's aid and considering a few U.S. cities to relocate to better my dating chances.
     

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