FA Frustrations

Discussion in 'BBW/FA Board' started by huge, Jan 14, 2015.

  1. Jun 9, 2018 #101

    JDavis

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    I think the odds of an FA doing well compared to a non FA partly depend on age. In middle to late age there are way more single women then men, due to men dying younger than women. People also peak in size at around age 50. I think FA men have it way easier than non FA men at middle age. And FA men have it way easier than FFA women at middle age.
     
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  2. Jun 10, 2018 #102

    TwoSwords

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    In my experience, being "sexually appealing" is not in any way the main attribute of motherhood. Being a teacher, a caretaker, a comforter and a provider (in certain ways,) are all much stronger attributes of motherhood, while "sexual appeal" :rolleyes: is more about attracting a mate, than it is about motherhood.

    Uh... No. I mean, if you're talking about how you can't "talk about your prefs" with other people, then that would be a minor speed bump. However, not being able to tell a woman how you really feel about her cuts the relationship off at the throat.
     
  3. Jun 10, 2018 #103

    Never2fat4me

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    Think you're confusing things, TS. Speaking from an evolutionary perspective, it has been a male's imperative to mate with as many women possible in order to maximize the survival and expansion of his genes, while the female has focused on finding someone who will provide good, strong genes that will maximize the survival of her offspring and a good provider who will help ensure the safety (and survival) of their offspring. In humans, this has resulted in men looking for a shapely, attractive woman who will bear plenty of offspring that are as healthy as possible, while woman seek a man who is able to help feed the family well and keep them safe from others. More recently, we have had the luxury of things like "love" and not having to worry so much about our survival, but these things are hard-wired into us and, while not providing absolute direction for the course of our lives and relationships, still have a role in how we think. What you have described is, indeed, an ideal of motherhood to which we all would aspire. But you cannot tell any of these things from simply looking at someone, and looks still are generally what attract men first to a woman ("is she going to provide strong and healthy children?") while women seek something a little more substantial ("is he going to be a good provider?"). This is reflected (generally, not absolutely) in porn for men and women: for men, it is mostly pics and vids, where for women, it is a lot more about romance and complex stories (like "Fifty Shades of Grey".)
     
  4. Jun 11, 2018 #104

    BountifulBabs

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    Yes and frustratingly so. I'm a FA and attracted to BHM's only. Unfortunately, I get hit on by guys who are muscular or average size. I seem invisible to BHM's, despite my flirting and interest.
     
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  5. Jun 11, 2018 #105

    BigElectricKat

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    That would seem odd on the surface. But often, people ignore the the cerebral connection they may have with someone in favor of the physical connection that they don't have and vice versa. I often wonder why a person is attracted to certain types of people, especially the distinctive physical attractions.
     
  6. Jun 11, 2018 #106

    BountifulBabs

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    The science of attraction is very complex, I guess. I was with and married an average sized man. We had the intellectual/spiritual attraction, but not the sexual attraction. I thought it would come over time, but no. But with large men, I never have that problem. Intellectual and spiritual attraction is important, but physical and sexual attraction also matters and it can't be made or manufactured. Everyone has their individual needs and desires, and (as long as it's consensual) that's okay. People shouldn't be faulted or guilted because of their preferences (as long as it is legal).
     
  7. Jun 11, 2018 #107

    BigElectricKat

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    I agree, totally. I suppose that I could say the same for myself. For most of my adult life, I found that I was attracted to tall women. While "tall" is a relative term, at 5'7" you'd think I'd have had a difficult time finding a woman taller than myself to date. But as it turned out, it wasn't that hard at all. But over time, I noticed that I was ignoring that intellectual attraction for the physical one and that made for my relationships to falter. When I started to prioritize what a person feels and thinks and how it connects with my own thinking, things got so much better. But I agree with everything you've said here.
     
  8. Jun 12, 2018 #108

    BountifulBabs

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    I'm totally with you on that. We can't focus too much on one aspect of a person and forget the rest of what makes them who they are. Also, we need to be clear and focus about who we are as people and on what our values are. Thanks for the reminder.
     
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  9. Jun 12, 2018 #109

    BigElectricKat

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    Not a problem. And thank you for your input. You have a wonderful way of putting thoughts through with such clarity.
     
  10. Jun 14, 2018 #110

    BountifulBabs

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    Thank you too.
     
  11. Jun 17, 2018 #111

    TwoSwords

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    Maybe if you're a harp seal or a sea turtle, but in most mammals (and particularly, in human beings,) there's a period of care for the young, and it's during that period; necessary to maximize the chances that the young will be able to survive in the world, the traits of motherhood are most clearly demonstrated. Remember, motherhood is not about mating, but about the relationship between a mother and her children.

    Except that's false. Being shapely and conventional does not necessarily increase health.

    I find it strange how many people advance these sorts of ideas uncritically, based on theories, without taking into account the day-to-day experiences of the average man. The best evidence for the motives of human behavior is man, after all, and if one was ever going to find evidence to disprove this theory, this would be the place to do it. Indeed, would there even be such a thing as an FA if this theory were true in any way? I have never considered any of these factors in my search for companionship, so therefore, I must either be an exception; not produced by evolution like the rest of you, or else there must be an error in this theory somewhere. That's logic.

    Which have nothing to do with being a good provider either, so again, this doesn't support the theory. Indeed, when I look at something like Fifty Shades, I actually see a person who is a terrible provider, and the situation is even worse in series like "Twilight," where there are men who are potentially-wonderful providers, but who are treated like total scum by the central female figure of the work. On the theory/narrative that you've just proposed, books such as these should either not exist, or not be very popular.
     
  12. Jun 20, 2018 #112

    BigElectricKat

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    Talk about a frustration:

    Yesterday, I went to my local Subway to get a sandwich. There were two young ladies working there and both seemed either upset or overwhelmed at the amount of business that seemed to pop up (both in-store and drive-thru). Both seemed rather young (late teens or early 20's at best) from my perspective. Both were attractive but I guess the thinner one assumed she would be the center of attention. She was working the drive-thru and preparing those orders while her counterpart was taking orders at the counter. The young lady at the counter was simply gorgeous. She looked so much like actress Charlize Theron, it was uncanny. But imagine Ms Theron shorter, maybe 5'6", with about an extra 150 lbs, distributed on a sturdy, pear shaped body! Gently flaring hips, large shapely rear, and a nice-but-not-heavy top half. Her hands were lovely.

    As she was making my sandwich, I was making polite conversation as I could tell there was some sort of tension between the two prior to my arrival. But every time I would get plus-size Charlize to laugh or smile, the other girl would interject in the conversation. And when big Charlize would walk away for a moment, my eyes would naturally follow her and I think the thinner girl could see this sparkle in my eye. Plus the fact that I would basically tune her out momentarily. I almost ordered another sandwich just so I could hang around a bit longer. I think perhaps another customer before me gave the bigger gal a compliment and the thin one felt envious. I don't know.

    The frustrating part is that people sometimes assume they are more (or less) attractive based solely on size, which to me is ridiculous.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2018
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  13. Jan 9, 2019 #113

    NaeusofStryx

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    Over my lifetime, I've had a similar idea, that dating as an FA is tougher than for non-FA's. I've thought that the pool to draw from is smaller, even though I live in America which has the highest obesity rate in the world. So, the data doesn't match the idea, or the experience. The problem wasn't my situation, it was my perception and my attitude.

    What I've come to realize as I've grown is that it's a matter of perspective. On the one hand, you'll really only count or "see" the people you're interested in when they fit into the perfect box you've made for what is your ideal. All those who are heavier, but you aren't attracted to (whether in terms of shape, looks, style, etc), don't register as strongly on your radar as those who, on a seemingly rare occasion, catch your eye (those who fit your ideal). On the other hand, you'll notice a generally attractive (thinner) person because we are conditioned to notice beauty, in people and in general, even if we're not sexually attracted to them. A non-fa would have just as much "trouble" dating because though they may not have a size preference, they have certain attraction preferences, too, and only have their radar pinged sometimes as well.

    Is it a little different/difficult to be an FA/FFA? Sure, but only as far as we accept that in our own minds. The more you give into the idea that it's difficult, that there is some difference, the more you will fortify the idea. The more you stress about not finding your ideal, and the harder you look, the more it will slip through your grasp. However, if you accept your preference as just an expression of nature (which it is) and not worry about social-consciousness/conventions/stigmas (which are just ideas), things will fall into place. Life is hard enough, so we should show ourselves some compassion. Also, rejection and embarrassment are sometimes part of the process. No mud, no lotus.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2019
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  14. Jan 10, 2019 #114

    TwoSwords

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    It's not just a preference for all of us. Some of us are not conditioned to recognize beauty that isn't compatible with our emotions, so this is definitely not the same for everyone. Speaking personally, I've found that the largest challenge I face is finding someone with whom I can share my feelings (fat or thin, man or woman,) and not being treated like scum for having done so. All the positive thinking in the world won't make that problem go away.
     
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  15. Jan 10, 2019 #115

    DragonFly

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    Worth hearing/saying again


    “No mud, no lotus”
     
  16. Jan 10, 2019 #116

    DragonFly

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    Sounds a little harsh. I have a hard time following that all of your expierences are having been treated like scum. I’m a firm believer that there is someone for everyone.
     
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  17. Jan 10, 2019 #117

    happily_married

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    I think his point is it’s what you make of it. Sort of a “I complained because I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet” sort of thing. You can let experiences shape expectations (and to a great extent we all do that) but you don’t have to let bad experiences taint future expectations/experiences. Unless you want to.

    I also think part of his point is the risk of self fulfilling prophecy. Or maybe confirmation bias. That is, we expect a certain outcome as FAs and any small hint of that outcome and we throw our hands up and say “I knew it all along” and get frustrated.

    You’ve been a part of this community for a while now and shared some of your frustrations and experiences. The last thing I mean to do here is trivialize any of that. Your temperament strikes me as pretty melancholy, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that. But it seems you’re one bad experience away from a total defeatist mindset and I don’t think anyone here wants that for you.

    I think @NaeusofStryx makes a lot of good points. Maybe you don’t think they apply to you. I’d suggest if that’s the case you’re a bit of an outlier. Generally speaking “it is what we make it” applies to a lot of things. In Afghanistan i went from late June through early September sleeping on the ground and not a single shower. No complaining though, I was just fine. Here in the states I get annoyed when the stream for the game I’m watching freezes up!

    Challenges, big or small, are often only as big or small as we allow them to be.
     
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  18. Jan 12, 2019 #118

    TwoSwords

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    I believe this too. The only question is whether you'll find that person, and/or that person will find you before the grave.
     
  19. Jan 12, 2019 #119

    TwoSwords

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    If you're trying to say I could always be worse off, that's quite correct and a good point. I have many things in my life that have tremendous value for me. But I've learned not to invest too much emotional real estate in the actions of other people. They rarely seek to do unto others what those others have done unto them.

    I also agree that "it is what we make it" applies to many things; most of them abstract, though not all. However, this doesn't allow you to change certain things.
     
  20. Jan 13, 2019 #120

    BouncingBoy

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    1st off I will agree that a lot of BBW have self-image problems & that can basically be blamed on Society pressure.These lovely ladies need to realize THEY run their lives not society.As far as clothing is concerned,to me if a woman has confidence in herself(no matter what size she is) she could make a feed sack look good...:) Looking good isn't necessarily what you're wearing but on how you present yourself in it.My Mousey is a big girl & she knows she's no "fashion model"(her words) but everything she wears she makes look good!....I'm a lucky man....:)
     
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