NO one is getting back at him. He came here and asked for support on how to continue LIVING A LIE.
FA needs help with wife
- Thread starter pallard99
- Start date
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I'm not exactly living a lie! She is my body type BTW! When I met her she was around 200lb at 5'5. Not a SSBBW but very cute chunky girl. Like I said before, I didn't marry her because of her weight but that certainly helped because that's what I find attractive. We also did get along when we met. She did have a hot temper though and I should have caught that. I know we need to work on the temper and how we get along. Why I'm on this board is to ask other FA's how they deal with being married to someone who no longer want's to keep the weight on. I know whe wants to lose at least 30-40lbs. It's hard with all the other trouble we have to see her lose. I know if I really cared for her it shouldn't matter. Finally, when I met my wife I wasn't aware of these forums or even had a computer! I wasn't aware there were other FA's like me out in the world! I can tell her a dozen times that I like her curvy and she will flat out tell me tough! She tells me it's her body and I can't tell her what to do (or eat). So it put's me in a bind! We met and she was curvy, later she no longer likes the weight and want to change. I havent changed though, I still like the curves! I guess I am just screwed.
Miss Vickie
Well-Known Member
Pallard, I think that any time we have an unhealthy, obsessive (your word, not mine) interest in our partner's behavior that causes us anxiety (again, your word, not mine), it's a good idea to seek professional help. This doesn't make you a bad person but clearly you have issues with her body which, coupled with her issues, cause problems in the marriage.
Marriage counseling is great, but if you weren't open about your feelings about her weight, then it's no wonder it "it didn't work". Plus, it's not a cure all. As you said, you stopped doing the skills you learned and it went back to how it was before. It takes a commitment from both people to make forever-changes in order to make it work. What I suspect happened is that you worked on some of the behavioral stuff in counseling but didn't look at the deeper issues, at least not deeply enough to effect change. And yeah, you gotta keep working on it. Marriage is tough, especially with kids.
As to your wife's temper could it be that she's angry about your obsession with her size/eating? Even if you just told her recently, people aren't stupid and if you live with someone, they're bound to pick up on things. If you're really so obsessed with what she eats, it's hard to hide that, you know? Body images are funny things, and the last thing she needs is you complicating hers by telling her what YOU want and getting mad about the changes SHE wants. It's her body, I'm sorry to say, and you expressing your opinion is probably not helping the situation.
My advice? As a non-FA but as a woman who has faced her own issues? Work on your own shit, figure out what you want, and don't impose your opinions about her body on her, unless she asks. If you love her, support her in coming to terms with her body because that will benefit you BOTH. And think about counseling together, but only if you can both be totally open and honest.
Good luck!
Marriage counseling is great, but if you weren't open about your feelings about her weight, then it's no wonder it "it didn't work". Plus, it's not a cure all. As you said, you stopped doing the skills you learned and it went back to how it was before. It takes a commitment from both people to make forever-changes in order to make it work. What I suspect happened is that you worked on some of the behavioral stuff in counseling but didn't look at the deeper issues, at least not deeply enough to effect change. And yeah, you gotta keep working on it. Marriage is tough, especially with kids.
As to your wife's temper could it be that she's angry about your obsession with her size/eating? Even if you just told her recently, people aren't stupid and if you live with someone, they're bound to pick up on things. If you're really so obsessed with what she eats, it's hard to hide that, you know? Body images are funny things, and the last thing she needs is you complicating hers by telling her what YOU want and getting mad about the changes SHE wants. It's her body, I'm sorry to say, and you expressing your opinion is probably not helping the situation.
My advice? As a non-FA but as a woman who has faced her own issues? Work on your own shit, figure out what you want, and don't impose your opinions about her body on her, unless she asks. If you love her, support her in coming to terms with her body because that will benefit you BOTH. And think about counseling together, but only if you can both be totally open and honest.
Good luck!
Yup she's right, it's her body and you can't tell her what size to be or what to eat. So yeah you're in a bind and it's tough.
Have you tried supporting her to be what she wants instead of whining you aren't getting what you want? Maybe then she'd be more inclined to see your point of view because quite frankly I wouldn't want to compromise with a man who only cared about what he wanted from a relationship.
Yes, I agree with you. I am having issues with the marriage. I don't feel a lot of love and affection from her. I'm sure that plays into my anxiety when I see other BBW's. If I were totally happy then I would still notice other women but like you say move on.
I have never tried supporting her in losing weight. I guess I feel that I would be living a lie! Maybe I should learn to keep my fantasy life seperate from my marriage! Never tried this. I need to do or try something! It's really hard living in a house with someone who you don't even want to talk to!
indy500tchr
Well-Known Member
You also need to look at it this way. Do you love her as a person or do you love her for her fat? When she loses weight she isn't losing her personality. It might actually make her happier which for your relationship would be a big positive. However, if you love her b/c of her fat. Well, that is just treating her like an object. Not a person at all. Love her for WHO she is not WHAT she is.
indy500tchr
Well-Known Member
What part of being an FA is fantasy? BBW's and SSBBW's are not mythical creatures we are real people with real feelings.
Also this is just out of pure curiosity....why do you have this same exact thread in multiple places?
Dude, you need to leave her. I am saying that very sincerely. All fat stuff aside, you are not happy. If you don't want to talk to someone that you live with, it is time to pack it up.
My thoughts on your other issue:
Your fantasy and your marriage should be one. If she can't be the size you want her to be there are many ways to get around that. You can set up play feedings, she can join a paysite with you, talk up your fantasies. All that could be enough to keep your needs met. If she is not willing to do it, please see above paragraph.
I noticed after I posted this I should have done it in the FA board not the Main board. My wife has told me time and time again she doesn't understand the attaction to bigger women. I've tried to explain it and she says I am lying. She thinks I want her to gain weight to hurt her and make her miserable. I just can't get her to understand.
indy500tchr
Well-Known Member
So she doesn't understand why you are attracted to her....your wife? I thought that was part of the deal when you marry somebody. You are supposed to be attracted to one another.
Sounds like she has some major trust issues with you too. Not something that is part of a healthy marriage either.
Did you tell her you were an FA or did you tell her you were a Feeder?
This sounds like it is about an awful lot more than her weight. If you were in a happy relationship she certainly wouldn't think you were trying to hurt her by wanting her to gain (or not to lose) weight. She might say she didn't want to or that she thought it strange - which would be her perogative - but she wouldn't think that it was you deliberately being hurtful.
You obviously have some very serious issues in your marriage, perhaps you need to fix those before you even deal with the weight stuff, because for lots of women comfort with their weight - whatever it is - is about trust and clearly your wife doesn't trust you.
Seriously think about relationship counselling, not because you want her to be fat but because without it you are not going to have a marriage, and I am assuming that you love her enough to want to be her husband whether she is fat or thin - if you don't then I suggest you see a lawyer.
Flutterby68
My Cups Runneth Over
HER body. If she wants to lose weight, that is her right. And what's more, she has EVERY right to have her body be the size that she wants it to be... and you have no say over it.
I would say to you the very same thing I've said to men who whine "my wife has gained 50 lbs since we married, and I just don't get turned on by her anymore...." WAHHHHH FUCKING WAHHHHH. It's not ABOUT you. What ever happened to loving the person through good times and bad, sickness and health? Loving the PERSON she is should be the important thing, not the size/shape of the skin she is in.
And honestly.. if you can't find it in you to be attracted to her based on her weight loss, by all means leave her so she can heal and find someone who will love her for who she is rather than what he wants her to be.
I would say to you the very same thing I've said to men who whine "my wife has gained 50 lbs since we married, and I just don't get turned on by her anymore...." WAHHHHH FUCKING WAHHHHH. It's not ABOUT you. What ever happened to loving the person through good times and bad, sickness and health? Loving the PERSON she is should be the important thing, not the size/shape of the skin she is in.
And honestly.. if you can't find it in you to be attracted to her based on her weight loss, by all means leave her so she can heal and find someone who will love her for who she is rather than what he wants her to be.
Dr. Feelgood
intellectual nerd
The only way I know of to keep a marriage going is to focus on your partner instead of yourself. This is totally contrary to human nature, of course, but I promise you that it works. Instead of asking whether you are fulfilled, ask yourself what you can do to make your wife feel fulfilled. Don't just tell her you love her (although you should do this often -- every day isn't too much), show her! And show the kids that you love her! What can you do? Well...you could send her flowers sometimes, for no reason. When the two of you are alone in an elevator, you could grab her and kiss her. You could hold her hand when you're at the supermarket. But I'm sure you can think of a lot of other things even better than this. The point is, the more you think about her, the happier she'll be; and the less you think about you, the happier you'll be. I don't know why it works that way, but it does: my wife and I have been married 27 years, and the honeymoon isn't over yet.:smitten:
indy500tchr
Well-Known Member
You said it much better than I did...Thank you!
CPProp
A bright spark, but need to be plugged in
Just wondering if the OP knows the real reasons why his wife diets my wife used to keep dieting. She was about 250lbs when married and she repeatedly gained and lost up to about 50lbs over the years (30 in all). I always assumed she dieted because she wanted to be healthy and attractive (although Id always let her know how attractive she was when she gained and when she lost). Like you, I was not happy at the beginning of each diet phase, but each time realised Id rather have her around than dead.
So knowing she was healthy (can count the number of Dr visits on two hands over the 30 years ) about ten years ago I actually asked her what was the reason for the diets the reply was not one I expected - It was because she wanted to be cremated and the crematoriums could not handle anyone over 280 lbs so she dieted to keep under that weight. At least I knew why, even if I was totally dumfounded, but dually accepted this.
Sorry this is so long winded but I just wondered if the OPs wife had similar objectives for her dieting. When my wife died 3 years ago she was 260 lbs so she was able to be cremated which satisfied her aim, the sad thing was that her death was not even weight related.
So knowing she was healthy (can count the number of Dr visits on two hands over the 30 years ) about ten years ago I actually asked her what was the reason for the diets the reply was not one I expected - It was because she wanted to be cremated and the crematoriums could not handle anyone over 280 lbs so she dieted to keep under that weight. At least I knew why, even if I was totally dumfounded, but dually accepted this.
Sorry this is so long winded but I just wondered if the OPs wife had similar objectives for her dieting. When my wife died 3 years ago she was 260 lbs so she was able to be cremated which satisfied her aim, the sad thing was that her death was not even weight related.
exile in thighville
groups/347570880589/
i'm sure he had three kids with her out of total malice too, just to sweeten the pot after she dared to slim down on him so his departure could fuck her over that much extraOh yeah, let me give him a hug.
Do you know the pain he is putting on his family? He doesn't want to be with his wife but because he was not man enough to be with a fat chick he lives a miserable life. After he married her and saw it was not right he could have left. Did he do that? Nope, he went on and had 3 kids with her.
Sorry, no sympathy here.
I don't care why he did it, he still did it. There is a lot of potential to cause hurt because of his selfishness. I save my sympathy for better causes.
My wife diets because she says its for her health. I dont think she likes getting to 240lbs either because she doesnt like the way she feels. If I could learn to shut up and just let her do what she wants, she would probably just put the weight back on anyway! It's hard to just stand by and see it happen. I think I've come to the conclusion that this is probably going to repeat itself over and over for our entire marriage and I need to just accept the cycle. I think we need to work on being more affectionate towards each other and maybe I wont make the appearance thing so important. I think sometimes because I dont feel the affection from her I focus more on her looks.
indy500tchr
Well-Known Member
So you would rather see her fat and possibly unhealthy rather than want her to be a healthy person for both herself and your three children? And on top of it secretly hope that if she does diet that she will just get fatter because that is what YOU want? That is extremely selfish of you.
Why can't you support your wife in wanting to be the best person she wants to be? I am sure if you wanted to do something to better yourself she would support it.
