LaylaDiamond
Nox
Hey,
I'm new here. I've spent my entire life as a fat girl. I don't think I've ever had anyone look me in the eye and call me beautiful except for my friends or my family. I'm so tired of hating myself and feeding my insecurities. I've been diagnosed with major chronic depression. Without the proper medication... I am an absolute nightmare. About 2 years ago, I hit a breaking point in my life. I was on a lot of drugs, I was doing a multitude of terrible things, and I was going out of my mind. I figured that I could fight the negative voices in my head and force myself to get skinny if I just stayed fucked up. It worked really well... or so I thought. I was the skinniest I had ever been (just under 250 lbs), I was going to Rock Concerts, I started getting tattoos, I was partying and meeting famous and beautiful people. My life felt right and perfect... until it all fell apart underneath me.
I started getting really paranoid and my depression was breaking through the cracks of my drugged up exterior. I wanted to be thinner, I wanted to be hotter, I wanted to be fucked by extremely hot men. I found myself driving down a dark road in the middle of the night, drugged out of my mind, screaming on the phone about how I was going to kill myself. I ended up at a friend's house, he got me high, we had sex and I left. The next day I signed myself into a psyche ward. Where the hell was my life going? I had failed three semesters at college. I threw away a full ride to a major university. I was a fat, druggie failure that sold her body for sex just to make it through the next day of my substance abuse.
I spent six days in that hospital. I finally was put on medication, I went to daily group therapy classes. I felt better. My vision was clearing. I could finally be the friend to my friends that I always tried to be. Those six days were the scariest, hardest part of my life... at that point. I came out of the hospital sober only to find out that my best friend (and a girl I was completely in love with) had abandoned me. I snapped again. I didn't give a shit about getting better or being a good person. What the hell was the point? I was alienated by the one group of people I figured I would receive support from. I was so mad. How could they have done that to me? They urged me to get help.. and when I finally listened they told me I wasn't gone long enough and I shouldn't have had a pleasant experience with the people I was locked up with. I was alone. Really and truly alone.
Then I got kicked out of my house. I had no where to go. My mom threw all of my shit into plastic bags and told me to leave. I had no money, I didn't even have the pleasure of packing up my own crap. I hopped in my car with my last tank of gas and I drove up my to childhood best friend's apartment. I was broken, I was lost... and I didn't know what to do.
I spent the next year in a crippling depression. I barely left the apartment. I'd lay in bed for days, pretending to look for a job, crying myself to sleep. I gained well over 50 lbs. Fast, hard, and dirty. I stayed away from illegal substances but I would drink occasionally. When I did drink I would get sloppy drunk and have sex with multiple guys in one night. I wanted to destroy myself. I was smoking over a pack of day... I was cutting my legs with razors just to feel something. I was used and abused and my best friend just tried to keep my head above water.
Finally... sometime last summer, I found a sliding scale clinic and I got my ass on medication. Now I'm back in college, I'm on the Dean's List, I'm a teacher's assistant, I've been completely sober from everything for at least a year. I don't drink excessively, I don't do drugs, I don't even smoke... but I still don't love myself.
I am bisexual. I love my men tall and built. I love strong arms and a nice body (basically the type of person who could never love me). I love my women any way they come. I love thick, I love thin... I especially love an edgy style... but I haven't figured out how to love myself like I love my women. I look in the mirror and I see a monster. Someone who is disfigured and ugly. I barely make my bills, all of my clothes have holes, I don't fit into most of it anymore, and the stuff I do have... is very... tent like. I look like a fucking sausage. I sit and I look at these BBW pin-up girls and I want to be that. I've always wanted to do porn or be in pin-up pictures in sexy lingerie and costumes. But every time I take a picture of myself... I just remind myself of how much hatred I feel for the body I'm in.
That's why I'm here. I've tried starving myself, I've tried drugging myself... but I just want to love myself and I don't know how. I've never felt accepted or beautiful. I've never been able to put on my cherry red lipstick, a sexy vintage dress, and a pair of heels and really feel worth something. I don't even have a pair of heels anymore.
I need to learn to appreciate who I am by being around people who appreciate and love who they are. I never even knew there was a community dedicated to loving someone like me. I don't see other fat girls like I see me. They're beautiful. They're sexy and confident... and I'm some troll from under a bridge. I just feel trapped and I don't want to be anymore.
I'm dorky and funny. I love video games. I want to be a writer, I want to have lots of sex and live a wonderful and free life where I'm not ashamed anymore. I want to find someone who loves all the things I do but most of all loves me. I always here about how someone can't love you until you love yourself. But I don't fucking know how to.
I'm sorry for the novel.
I just want to be like this beautiful girl:
I want to cover myself in the tattoos I want and be the girl I've always dreamed of being... but instead.. I'm just this:
I just want to face the world again and feel beautiful doing it.
-LaylaDiamond
I'm new here. I've spent my entire life as a fat girl. I don't think I've ever had anyone look me in the eye and call me beautiful except for my friends or my family. I'm so tired of hating myself and feeding my insecurities. I've been diagnosed with major chronic depression. Without the proper medication... I am an absolute nightmare. About 2 years ago, I hit a breaking point in my life. I was on a lot of drugs, I was doing a multitude of terrible things, and I was going out of my mind. I figured that I could fight the negative voices in my head and force myself to get skinny if I just stayed fucked up. It worked really well... or so I thought. I was the skinniest I had ever been (just under 250 lbs), I was going to Rock Concerts, I started getting tattoos, I was partying and meeting famous and beautiful people. My life felt right and perfect... until it all fell apart underneath me.
I started getting really paranoid and my depression was breaking through the cracks of my drugged up exterior. I wanted to be thinner, I wanted to be hotter, I wanted to be fucked by extremely hot men. I found myself driving down a dark road in the middle of the night, drugged out of my mind, screaming on the phone about how I was going to kill myself. I ended up at a friend's house, he got me high, we had sex and I left. The next day I signed myself into a psyche ward. Where the hell was my life going? I had failed three semesters at college. I threw away a full ride to a major university. I was a fat, druggie failure that sold her body for sex just to make it through the next day of my substance abuse.
I spent six days in that hospital. I finally was put on medication, I went to daily group therapy classes. I felt better. My vision was clearing. I could finally be the friend to my friends that I always tried to be. Those six days were the scariest, hardest part of my life... at that point. I came out of the hospital sober only to find out that my best friend (and a girl I was completely in love with) had abandoned me. I snapped again. I didn't give a shit about getting better or being a good person. What the hell was the point? I was alienated by the one group of people I figured I would receive support from. I was so mad. How could they have done that to me? They urged me to get help.. and when I finally listened they told me I wasn't gone long enough and I shouldn't have had a pleasant experience with the people I was locked up with. I was alone. Really and truly alone.
Then I got kicked out of my house. I had no where to go. My mom threw all of my shit into plastic bags and told me to leave. I had no money, I didn't even have the pleasure of packing up my own crap. I hopped in my car with my last tank of gas and I drove up my to childhood best friend's apartment. I was broken, I was lost... and I didn't know what to do.
I spent the next year in a crippling depression. I barely left the apartment. I'd lay in bed for days, pretending to look for a job, crying myself to sleep. I gained well over 50 lbs. Fast, hard, and dirty. I stayed away from illegal substances but I would drink occasionally. When I did drink I would get sloppy drunk and have sex with multiple guys in one night. I wanted to destroy myself. I was smoking over a pack of day... I was cutting my legs with razors just to feel something. I was used and abused and my best friend just tried to keep my head above water.
Finally... sometime last summer, I found a sliding scale clinic and I got my ass on medication. Now I'm back in college, I'm on the Dean's List, I'm a teacher's assistant, I've been completely sober from everything for at least a year. I don't drink excessively, I don't do drugs, I don't even smoke... but I still don't love myself.
I am bisexual. I love my men tall and built. I love strong arms and a nice body (basically the type of person who could never love me). I love my women any way they come. I love thick, I love thin... I especially love an edgy style... but I haven't figured out how to love myself like I love my women. I look in the mirror and I see a monster. Someone who is disfigured and ugly. I barely make my bills, all of my clothes have holes, I don't fit into most of it anymore, and the stuff I do have... is very... tent like. I look like a fucking sausage. I sit and I look at these BBW pin-up girls and I want to be that. I've always wanted to do porn or be in pin-up pictures in sexy lingerie and costumes. But every time I take a picture of myself... I just remind myself of how much hatred I feel for the body I'm in.
That's why I'm here. I've tried starving myself, I've tried drugging myself... but I just want to love myself and I don't know how. I've never felt accepted or beautiful. I've never been able to put on my cherry red lipstick, a sexy vintage dress, and a pair of heels and really feel worth something. I don't even have a pair of heels anymore.
I need to learn to appreciate who I am by being around people who appreciate and love who they are. I never even knew there was a community dedicated to loving someone like me. I don't see other fat girls like I see me. They're beautiful. They're sexy and confident... and I'm some troll from under a bridge. I just feel trapped and I don't want to be anymore.
I'm dorky and funny. I love video games. I want to be a writer, I want to have lots of sex and live a wonderful and free life where I'm not ashamed anymore. I want to find someone who loves all the things I do but most of all loves me. I always here about how someone can't love you until you love yourself. But I don't fucking know how to.
I'm sorry for the novel.
I just want to be like this beautiful girl:
I want to cover myself in the tattoos I want and be the girl I've always dreamed of being... but instead.. I'm just this:
I just want to face the world again and feel beautiful doing it.
-LaylaDiamond
