Feeling sad that I'll never get to participate in this aspect of my sexuality again. Loose rant from retired FFA that might be interesting to no one.

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magodamilion2

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I've known I had a feeder fetish for most of my life, even before I knew any of these terms or that it was a thing. When I was around 19 or 20 I learned about the whole scene both through this website and others, and started being open about it and talking about it a lot more. I attempted to date many fat men between then and when I was around 23, with little success. I just never met anyone that I connected with emotionally, even though I was attracted to them and most of them were attracted to me.

During this time I'd already met my future husband, who was fit and thin, and I was building a very fast connection with him, even though I told him explicitly that we could never be together because I was only sexually interested in fat people. After a while though, I couldn't deny it anymore. I was insanely in love with my husband. To the point where when we finally did eventually have sex I was able to enjoy it, despite never having got off without thinking about feederism stuff before. It was the first time I'd enjoyed sex without either being with a fat person or also without imagining stuff to do with that. So we got together officially and got married, did the whole thing. Now I'm 28 and we have a son together and a house and the full grown up lifestyle. I pretty much came to terms with giving up that side of my sexual interests, and even stopped thinking about it for the most part. I was happy that apparently my sexuality was fluid enough that I could have a totally fulfilling sex life without the thing that I'd been literally obsessed with since I was a child.

But then eventually that high of being newly in love faded and I started thinking about fat fetish stuff again and feeling bummed out that I couldn't have it in real life anymore. Only mildly bummed out though, I was still chilling ultimately. It was just a niggling thought in my head that I could mostly ignore.

Until last year when covid began. I was so stressed out about covid, I could barely focus on work since it was remote now and that really threw me off at the time. So instead of working I started going back through old files one day when I re-discovered my account on here and I started writing the old story I'd started when I was 21 (as you all might already know). It was super fun and honestly was great for my sex life at first, because I'd write all this sexy fat fetish content and get all worked up and then go fuck my husband with that stuff on my mind and he'd wonder where all my enthusiasm came from. And I felt like "Nice! I can have the best of both worlds, by just using my imagination instead."

And it was fun for a while, probably until our son was born. After that we got super busy (and still are) and barely have any physical relationship anymore. Not even just sex, but even just getting to be around each other and cuddling has stopped. With all of that gone, my fat fetish thoughts have come back in full force. I honestly feel as sexually repressed and pent up as I did when I was a teenager and hadn't even discovered the scene yet. I'm majorly obsessing over all this stuff.

Then to make everything worse, I discovered that TikTok couple that was posted here a few weeks ago and it's literally got me so fucked up. I joined their Patreon and watch all their videos and I have so many feelings about it. They feel so much like a window into what my life would've been like had I chosen to be a little more patient and pursue dating fat men a little longer. It's like this alternate reality version of me where I did that, and it's so unsettling. They live in London, which is where my husband and I met and spent most of our early relationship, they have a son and similar experiences related to that, they have a similar sense of humor and style of interaction as my husband and I do. It's like the universe is telling me, see you could've had all the same exact stuff you enjoy about your life, but better. I should probably unsubscribe to them, because I do think it is genuinely messing with my happiness to watch. But even if I do stop watching them, the problem won't go away because it's like I've re-awakened this awareness that oh hey, some people out there do have it all. And probably loads of other people do as well.

I guess I'll just have to figure out how to come to terms with it again, because I am not going to blow up my whole life over lack of sexual satisfaction. Especially when I knew what I was signing up for in the first place. I just feel super frustrated and nostalgic for when I used to date and have fun with all these hot fat guys even though none of them were ever my person. I kinda wish my husband would be down to let us have a hall pass type situation, but I don't think he'd be comfortable with that and even if he were, the thought of in reality having to go out and find someone sounds too time consuming for my life right now.
 

BigElectricKat

I've got the brains, you've got the looks...
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An interesting situation to say the least. I have a couple of questions:

  1. Has your husband ever given any indication that he might be willing to be the object of your feederism needs?
  2. Does the object of your desire have to be fat or can the thought of him fattening up be enough of a trigger for your desire? The reason I ask is, if the thought of him fattening up would be enough, perhaps your husband could just say things like, "I had an extra helping of ice cream today" or "I ate too much spaghetti for lunch and now I'm feeling bloated".
As a person who is not into the feederism aspect, I can't even begin to understand how that all works. But as a person who is acutely aware that most everyone has their own unique sexual desires/fetishes/kinks/triggers and how important they are for our mental wellbeing, I feel for you. Not having what you desire can eat away at a person over time.

It sounds like, all things considered, you have a wonderful relationship. My go-to has always been to communicate openly and honestly. Perhaps the two of you can come up with a solution, instead of you just grappling with it in your mind.

Whatever you come up with, I wish you well.
 

Tad

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I can relate quite a bit to this. Without trotting out my whole story, two particular thoughts:

- sex life going to hell (and all other intimacy) after having a kid is unfortunately really common. It isn't even usually that either party is totally uninterested, it is more a matter of energy, time, and priorities. For some couples it comes back fairly quickly, for some more slowly (ours stayed very low until my son was 18(!)), some never seem to really recover, based on reports from some friends. Who is more frustrated by that can vary by couple, and over time. But the point is that this is a common issue, beyond just kink mis-match.

- For me (and I'm sure this is very much by-person), being in fat/feedist spaces on-line helps, in that it gives me an outlet for those feelings without letting them spill into my off-line life (or spill into it less). It can be bittersweet, seeing others enjoying things that I don't get to experience, but call it my fat/feedist methadone program.

I guess my feeling overall is that each of us is responsible for handling our kinks and sexuality in as well as possible within the context of our relationship. What 'as well as possible' looks like will be very individual, and of course each relationship has its own context.
 

FFAFarmher

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First I've read a few stories you have posted in the past and you are an excellent author! And second I really relate to this! Feeling like you're missing or being denied what you really want. I totally get it. Honestly glad I'm not the only one with such feelings!

I'm pretty similar, other my hubby is bhm (a small BHM in my opinion but he is), our relationship is not very good, and we have male infertility trying for our second. Our son is 2 I wanted kids close together and a large family. That really adds to the whole I could have what I want if I was with someone else. Which I don't like thinking because it makes me sad.
 

byutane

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While it seems like others have more experience with the aspects of marriage and children (which personally I have less than 0 insight into I admit 😅) and have posted some really good contributions, something I'd also like to add is that social media can be very deceiving. There have been a lot of studies done showing how social media often creates a feeling of dissatisfaction or a sense of not measuring up to others in its users because of how posts are curated to create a timeline that shows constant positivity, so you only see these perfect chunks of other peoples' lives and don't see the negatives that come with any human experience. I know this is widely understood, but I think it bears repeating because it's easy to intellectually know it but emotionally forget it - I've certainly fallen prey to it, mentally fleshing out the lives and personalities of people I only "know" from their content on the internet, and it's become harder to avoid doing that what with the stress and isolation of COVID and I can't imagine what it must be like adding the emotional needs of a baby into the mix. Basically, I'm saying that even if you do unsubscribe and stop engaging with this couple's content, it sounds to me like they're gonna live rent free in your head until you both know and feel that nobody out there Has It All, it's just not possible.

I would echo what Tad and BigElectricKat have said about open communication and compromise, after all it's very possible that a more satisfying solution than "try not to think about it" can be worked out, if not now then in the future. I'd also say that mindfulness practices and seeing the good in one's own life and present situation are things which have helped me with similar problems to the ones you're describing. It's impossible to know how things could have gone in a Sliding Doors style situation, and in the past I've run myself ragged thinking about how things could be different in a lot of different ways, but staying grounded not only helps you find a better outcome but lets you feel a lot better while you do it. I know it sounds trite but for me, when I'm feeling stressed and dissatisfied with the amount of feeder activity going on in my life (the amount is... 0 😬) or other things I wish were different, reassessing and focusing on what other things I want, what's most important to me and what I'm actually achieving makes me feel a lot better. Again it'll probably sound silly but I started keeping a diary where I write down the positive things that happen each day before I go to sleep and it made a lot of difference to me. Along with a bunch of therapy, but that's neither here nor there 😅 Plus, as someone who actively employs one of the same sanity maintenance methods you described (writing about my fantasies to express/somewhat satisfy them), I know I have to keep a tight leash on how that makes me feel. It's a tool to help me, and if it starts to make me feel frustrated or dissatisfied, I walk away from it until it can be just a harmless bit of sexy fun expression again.

I don't wanna be one of those people who basically say "have you considered, just feeling better about your life :)" because that sucks and ignores that it really is a hard situation to deal with ;-; but it's important to remember that it's not totally unworkable. And if you feel like posting more rants to get the frustration out you can do that too :p after all there are plenty who sympathise, including me. I really hope you find the right methods to balance your needs and circumstances, and that the future holds good things for you :)
 

Anjula

the bitchy one
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Hi! First of all, I’m really really really sorry you’re in the place you’re in. Second of all, me and my boo can have a threesome with you, we’re way hotter than that TikTok couple or at least he is (and let’s face it we would both be playing with his boobs). Jokes aside, I do have a few things to say, on top of all the wisdom everyone had shared. Idk if it helps but we’re basically the same age and I feel like for some of us, young women who were basically brought up with the idea that we can have it all, it can be very hard to ever be satisfied. Sure, your hubby isn’t fat but with enough persuasion I’m sure he can be at least borderline chubby and believe me, that’s enough. I once fell madly in love with a skinny dude. Well, not skinny but definitely not fat. He was all muscles. I loved him so much that I was willing to overlook my love for fat. Of course it took a year or two for my “true” feelings to bubble up but it also took 10kg of pure fat he gained for me and a switch from a medium size t-shirt to an xl for my desire for him to go off charts. Sure, I would still drool over those really big boys but I had enough fat in the house to be satisfied. Grass is always greener on the other side. There are things you would miss/worry about with an XXL partner that you don’t have to with just a bit chubby one. Talk to the husband, be honest. If he really loves you and wants to make it work he will at least have that conversation with you and hear you out. Really, what’s a few kg if it can save a marriage. Now comes the fun part. Keeping in mind that it’s really hard to find a partner that we can truly connect with and that fu*king grass that’s really always greener- if you’re not happy, leave. If you feel like you’re missing something important, leave. We only live once. Too many people stay in relationships because of kids, because of being used to it, because of convenience. But if you ever decide to leave be prepared that you might not find a person who will be better. Especially if he loves you just as much as you’ve described you love him. You will always have to compromise on something.

now as an epilogue (I think, I’m good with math and bad with words). I have a pretty hardcore and strong bdsm fetish. In a perfect world my partner would keep me on leash (and edge) 24/7 but he’s just not into it. Do I sometimes go on fet/Tumblr and find those two couples who have what I could describe as “it all”? Of course I do. Do I briefly wanna run away and end up in somebody’s dungeon? Sure I do. But I also know that the chances of finding a hardcore fat dom, who’s so insanely handsome I could stare at him my whole life and who’s laugh makes me wanna sing, and who makes me feel like I’m the most amazing and accomplished person and who accepts all my multiple flaws and loves my crazy dogs and so on and so on are practically 0. So I’m fine with him being just a casual dom daddy since he checks off all the other boxes 😉

I’m not sure if anything here made sense. I kinda hope it did because I really do feel your pain. I think we all feel the same regarding some part of our relationship/life. If you ever wanna vent/ talk / have that 3way hit me up, preferably on ig @biijacz (as a bonus I quite often post mboobs 😈)
 

dwesterny

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Sounds tough, sorry to hear it.
*edited to remove snark
 
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I…. I could have written this. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I know exactly how you feel. You worded my same issue of married with a child and a growing emptiness for the feederism community.

My husband and I are very close to moving towards an open/swinging relationship.

He is fully aware of my SSBHM inclination and I’m fully aware of his bisexuality. The thought of trying to engage with the feederism community is daunting, intimidating, and enticing. I’d be afraid I’d get so sucked back into it that I’d ruin what I have—which is kind of working if I do the same fattening fantasizing thing that you described.

Basically I’m saying I commiserate with you and understand your frustration and wish I knew the answer to filling this emptiness.
 

Anomaly

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I just want to write in sympathy/support of the OP, and share my experience that's led to me reading this forum and registering as a member for what it's worth to anyone.
I have always had a fat fetish and will no more look at a man who isn't fat than I would a woman. I tried, unsuccessfully, in my twenties to fulfil it. Despite what disapproving society wants us to think, fat men are not that numerous. The ones that I did find, often seemed to show no sexual interest in either men or women, and had never had a relationship before I met them and upon looking them up since don't appear to have had one since, and this has happened on at least three occasions so I don't know if this is linked to the sort of things I find attractive or is just really terrible luck. At the start of my thirties I gave up and threw my lot in with a man who was only slightly overweight and to whom I was not really physically attracted, largely for mutual financial reasons.
I am now 40 and FOMO and sexual frustration are colliding with general mid-life crisis stuff. Often I go for weeks without having sexual thoughts and then I see a fat dude on television or somewhere and I can't stop thinking about it. It doesn't help either that several famous fat public figures such as John Candy and Ralphie May died in their 40s of health conditions related to being fat. I am starting to see my sexual orientation as a curse that will prevent me ever being fulfilled in life. My partner is older than me and younger fat men are not going to see me as a sexy cougar and the likelihood is I am going to end up old and alone.
No solutions. The only thing I can say is, if you have a kid with this man and he doesn't treat you badly, it may be best to stick with him even if only for the child's sake. There is no guarantee any alternative will be better. Having a career or interests or something you're passionate about and trying to channel all your mental energy into that does help as well.
 
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