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squeezablysoft

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It's definitely very sexy when a BHM feels good about himself and has a confident attitude, but I understand that cultivating that self-esteem as a person of size in a fat-shaming world is easier said than done.
 

Xyantha Reborn

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I didn't think Xy's post overlooked anything around the causes -- in that it wasn't addressing causes at all, just commenting on the end effect.
Correct.

And my comment about women being more exposed to it is that there are multimillion dollar industries that are aimed at us to degrade our self esteem so we will buy their products. Not just weight, but everything about us; hair, nails, nose - hell, even our vagina's are now something to be lazered and culled into aesthetic submission. Weight is just one thing among many that can be the proverbial straw.

I never said that they can overcome it, or should overcome it, or that it is reasonable to expect them to overcome it. But each of us has a tolerance level in the partner we seek. I don't mind lovingly reassuring my man, or dealing with his lack of adoring his body - but I've been with a guy who HATED his body, and HATED me for liking it. It was horrid, and traumatizing, and made me realize that I needed someone who was emotionally stable. Not emotionally perfect or unscarred, but who didn't need to wound me in order to feel whole. I don't need a guy to love being fat, but I do need him to not hate me for my preference, causing me pain because he cannot escape his own.

And I don't think that it is unreasonable, in a man or a woman, to know your own limits of what you can tolerate in a partner, (in any aspect of your life) so that you are both happy. And each person has their own limits and criteria

And yes, even my hubby lashed out once about it and I burst into tears because it hurt so much. I never cry like that unless I am emotionally destroyed. And I cried so hard, for so long, that he realized just how much his own emotional state impacted me. We found a compromise/talked about it/he can now articulate his pain without hurting me, and I learned when I can get my FFA on vs not to not cause him undue comfort

So basically; each to his own, but if your partner is generally confident, propping them up about one thing (like weight) is easier than if they have zero confidence, and you basically have like to rebuild their world each morning when they wake up. I have friends who do this for their spouse - and just because I don't think I could do that, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be happy, or that I don't admire their dedication.
 

dwesterny

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Again I think the main difference is between feeling "I hate being fat because everyone thinks negatively about me for it" vs saying "Everyone is right to think poorly of me and I deserve to be treated that way". A lot easier to recover from the first than from the second.
 

loopytheone

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I don't claim to have overcome completely, but I've come very far. It's also harder if you're really huge. At close to 500 I get jaw dropped looks and visible disgust from strangers. But fuck them. Without question my weight is the first thing anyone who looks at me for the first time thinks of. Luckily some wonderful creatures think it's sexy rather than disgusting, it was nice to learn that was possible.

I should note almost every FFA I have talked acknowledges that not every fatty can get over it. Some who are forced to hunt wild fatties are terrified of it. Of course I tend to talk to smart self-aware FFAs, so that makes sense I guess.
I can tell in the way that you talk about yourself that you have come far and it is awesome to see. You're adorable and awesome, after all. :happy:

You are definitely right that not everybody can overcome these things. At the end of the day, that was one of the main reasons me and my ex fiancee split up. He could never really accept himself or get over his own self-hatred about his size so he kinda flew between being awed and happy that I found him so attractive and thinking of me as horrible and manipulative for liking him as he was. I dunno if maybe other FFAs could cope with that long term but I definitely couldn't and I try and stay as far away from people like that as possible these days.
 

agouderia

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I didn't think Xy's post overlooked anything around the causes -- in that it wasn't addressing causes at all, just commenting on the end effect.
I'm sorry Xy - I misinterpreted the NEED in your first post - as to it being a more volontary element.

Again I think the main difference is between feeling "I hate being fat because everyone thinks negatively about me for it" vs saying "Everyone is right to think poorly of me and I deserve to be treated that way". A lot easier to recover from the first than from the second.
The latter probably is the particularly perfidious element in fat shaming. Most overweight people (the vast majority which is in the BMI range 25-35) actually suffers more from the stigma attached to being overweight than the actual weight and it's effects. That is also what leads to such perverted thought patterns and makes it so difficult to overcome these mental and psychological mindcuffs.
 

ouroboros

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Through my experience, often times through repetition one can usually get even the most self-conscious fat guy to become more comfortable with their size...to a degree. That's the important part to remember. Some people just can't fully overcome it and the wall only goes down so much before they start to pull away. So it becomes a cycle of balancing what they are comfortable with, without overstepping a line. As someone who's been in that situation, it requires a lot of restraint on the ffas side. I know this isn't the original intent of the post, but it went in this direction so I felt like adding my two cents.
 

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