Hannah and Gretel
Emily's retelling of Brothers Grimm tale
Note: The original had a bit more profanity, but I toned it down
In a hideous and dreary suburb, next to even an uglier and more miserable dark forest lived a middle-class man with his scrawny new wife and two of his daughters from a previous marriage, Hannah and Gretel. Neither Hannah who just turned 21 last week nor Gretel, her three years older sister, expressed any interest in leaving their parents' home to start looking for a job. Gretel wanted to be a fantasy writer and Hannah? Hard to say, really. The chubby younger daughter just liked the food. Not even cooking, mainly just eating it.
One bleak evening, as the man lay in his squeaky Ikea bed thinking of all his golf cronies having unbelievable fun, he sighed and said to his wife, "I've had enough, Nivea. Whenever my daughters see me, they just ask for more money, then they sit on their asses, their heads buried in their phones, and do absolutely nothing else. Okay, Hannah’s ass is at least getting pretty chubby from all the junk food so that may count for something constructive, but Grettel just writes gibberish.“
“You know what, Satchel?" answered the cruel and vicious woman. “I was thinking the exact same thing about your spoiled kids. Tomorrow, we will go with them to the thickest part of the miserable woods and we will just leave them there. There is no signal in the damn forest, they will not be able to find their way home, and we will be rid of them. We can sell the house and move to Florida to barbecue pot and smoke sausages with the other retirees.”
“I don’t know, Nivea,” the man said, scratching his chin. “They may not be much, but they are fairly smart. And honestly, there is just no way they will ever go with us to the forest, or anywhere for that matter. When do kids ever go to the woods, except to do drugs?”
“Oh Satchel, leave it to me, I will figure something out,” the evil woman said with a wicked grin.
*****
“I am telling you for the fifth time,” Gretel yelled at Hannah, “there are no magic mushrooms in this crap, those two shitheads were totally bullshitting us. I can’t believe we fell for it.”
“No, look,” said Hannah, picking something up from the ground, “This definitely looks like a mushroom. Does it look to you like the one I googled? Look! Shit, why is there no signal in this dump? And my battery is like 10 percent. This is the worst day of my life. I need to check my Instagram.”
“It's getting pretty dark. Those idiots aren’t coming back, Hannah. I think the whole “I left my Turkish steam bath on fire, blah, blah, blah” was just our creepy step mom's way to get rid of us. I don’t even know what Turkish steam bath is or if we have one. And darn, I can’t even google it. And what kind of name is Nivea anyway? It sounds like something made up on Internet if you ask me.”
“You think so?” Hannah licked the mushroom's top. “Ugh. That’s disgusting. It a bit salty though. And slimy. Do you wanna try it?”
“Hannah, please stop putting everything you see in your mouth like a toddler. It could be poisonous, or, I don’t know, full of viruses or things.”
Hannah protested that she was getting really hungry, but she threw the mushroom on the ground and stepped on it.
“Geez, sis, can you stop thinking about food for a minute? No wonder you are getting so chubby. Your ass is already bigger than mine.”
When the yellow moon emerged above the treetops, round and delicious, like a slice of Provolone cheese, it became clear to both of them that their parents simply left them there on purpose and nobody was coming to rescue them. They were alone in the dark forest, cold, hungry, and seriously pissed off.
“Those two weedheads! When I get back, I’ll call social services on them for starving me.” Hannah shook her fist at the full moon as if Lady Luna had anything to do with their misfortune.
“You are 21, I don’t think social services will give two fried shits about you. And honestly, you definitely don’t look starved. You are totally overfilling those leggings. When did you buy them? Last month? Just look at your muffin-top belly.”
They walked for hours, not feeling their feet, but the forest only got darker, deeper, and even more miserable. There were no signs of civilization, except all that weird sounds. Hu-hu-huuuu. Stupid, cold scary forest. And not just that, Hannah was constantly complaining that she was hungry and tired and asking what was that sound or this noise.
Gretel was getting seriously irritated by her younger sister. She kind of started to understand their parent's motive, because she was this close to grabbing Hannah by the shirt, dragging her to some other even darker and more miserable forest, very far away from this one, and just leaving her there to bitch about her life.
Suddenly she spotted a flickering light between the tree branches.
“Hannah, look! I saw something! A Light! It must be a house.”
“I hope they have food.”
They approached the strangely shaped house lit by the moonlight. The air was filled with a sweet, fresh smell. Just as Gretel was about to knock on the door, she heard a loud snap and Hannah’s cursing, “I think I broke the roof or something.”
“What the hell were you doing touching the roof?”
Hannah was holding a large dark piece while sniffing her hand. “Funny, my fingers smell like cookies. Maybe I am delirious from hunger. It won't be the first time.” She carefully licked the chunk she was holding and then bit into it.
“Stop stuffing everything into your mouth! Particularly if it is someone's roof. You don’t know what kind of creeps live here or what was happening on that roof. It could be -”
“- poisonous, yeah, you told me. But you know what? It's actually good, try it. It is seriously one tasty roof. It feels like cinnamon or gingerbread or something. And these things? These are not nails, they are M&Ms!” Hannah was stuffing her mouth at full speed now. “Hey, let me see if this window is made of Oreos.”
Hannah tore a piece of window cladding with another loud crack.
“Stop eating everything you idiot!” Gretel was seriously irritated now.
A dry, rasping voice suddenly came from inside:
“Nibble, nibble, little mouse, Who is nibbling at my house?”
"What the f…" Hannah started.
“Shit, shit, shit! I told you,”,Gretel whispered, “It is your fault. You just have to eat someone's property, right? What if they start shooting?”
Hannah did not reply, she just slowly broke another piece of the window and continued stuffing herself.
The door opened abruptly, and a wrinkly figure leaning on a crutch crept out.
Gretel got chills. Hannah just raised her eyebrows, but continued to chew, staring at the strange creature in front of them.
“Oh sorry sir,” Gretel began apologizing, “We got lost …”
“I think he's a she,” Hannah said, chewing.
The crone shook her head and replied, “Oh, pish-posh. Sir or lady, no bother. Fancier folks have been making this blunder for donkey’s years. Just come in darlings, you are welcome to remain tonight guests of mine. No harm will befall you.”
“You know, you have a very tasty roof, lady,” said Hannah to the woman.
“Hannah, please stop eating the house. Sorry sir, eee, madam, my sister is just perpetually hungry. She may have ingested a small portion of your roof and maybe that little piece of the window over there. I am sure it is nothing to worry about. Hannah! Stop eating!” She slapped her sister over her head.
“Oh, so the wee lass loves to eat?” the old woman giggled like sandpaper. She took them both by the hand and led them to her house.
She then served them pancakes and milk with sugar and whipped cream. Hannah even stole a few pancakes from Gretel's plate because she was still hungry. As the old woman saw it, she nodded and smiled from ear to ear.
She then made two beds for them in one of the spare rooms. There was a very distinct cookie smell everywhere.
Hannah and Gretel went to bed tired, and full, believing they were saved. Hannah even took some leftover window siding to her bed, in case she gets hungry at night. She had a pretty weird dream. She was a bird, a three-eyed raven….
Hannah was suddenly awakened by the old woman shaking her hand. It was still very early in the morning, the sun was barely out yet. The woman motioned her to keep quiet, as not to wake her sister up and took Hannah with her withered wrinkly hand down the stairs to the cellar.
Hannah could see a few metal doors built into the stone walls. The old woman prompted her to go through the closest one. When Hannah stepped into the small room, she noticed a bed next to a wall and a tray of pastries sitting on top of it.
What a bizarre way to serve breakfast, she thought. But when in the forest… She bent down to try some of the croissants when she heard the door slamming behind her. She jumped to the door and started banging on it, but all she could hear was the old woman rattling her keys and laughing madly.
Hannah was now locked in the dim cellar, with just a little bit of light coming through the tiny window near the ceiling. She looked around. The room was small, barely big enough for the bed. She realized in shock that the strange thing attached to the back wall was a toilet and a sink. She was in a jail cell!
Emily's retelling of Brothers Grimm tale
Note: The original had a bit more profanity, but I toned it down
In a hideous and dreary suburb, next to even an uglier and more miserable dark forest lived a middle-class man with his scrawny new wife and two of his daughters from a previous marriage, Hannah and Gretel. Neither Hannah who just turned 21 last week nor Gretel, her three years older sister, expressed any interest in leaving their parents' home to start looking for a job. Gretel wanted to be a fantasy writer and Hannah? Hard to say, really. The chubby younger daughter just liked the food. Not even cooking, mainly just eating it.
One bleak evening, as the man lay in his squeaky Ikea bed thinking of all his golf cronies having unbelievable fun, he sighed and said to his wife, "I've had enough, Nivea. Whenever my daughters see me, they just ask for more money, then they sit on their asses, their heads buried in their phones, and do absolutely nothing else. Okay, Hannah’s ass is at least getting pretty chubby from all the junk food so that may count for something constructive, but Grettel just writes gibberish.“
“You know what, Satchel?" answered the cruel and vicious woman. “I was thinking the exact same thing about your spoiled kids. Tomorrow, we will go with them to the thickest part of the miserable woods and we will just leave them there. There is no signal in the damn forest, they will not be able to find their way home, and we will be rid of them. We can sell the house and move to Florida to barbecue pot and smoke sausages with the other retirees.”
“I don’t know, Nivea,” the man said, scratching his chin. “They may not be much, but they are fairly smart. And honestly, there is just no way they will ever go with us to the forest, or anywhere for that matter. When do kids ever go to the woods, except to do drugs?”
“Oh Satchel, leave it to me, I will figure something out,” the evil woman said with a wicked grin.
*****
“I am telling you for the fifth time,” Gretel yelled at Hannah, “there are no magic mushrooms in this crap, those two shitheads were totally bullshitting us. I can’t believe we fell for it.”
“No, look,” said Hannah, picking something up from the ground, “This definitely looks like a mushroom. Does it look to you like the one I googled? Look! Shit, why is there no signal in this dump? And my battery is like 10 percent. This is the worst day of my life. I need to check my Instagram.”
“It's getting pretty dark. Those idiots aren’t coming back, Hannah. I think the whole “I left my Turkish steam bath on fire, blah, blah, blah” was just our creepy step mom's way to get rid of us. I don’t even know what Turkish steam bath is or if we have one. And darn, I can’t even google it. And what kind of name is Nivea anyway? It sounds like something made up on Internet if you ask me.”
“You think so?” Hannah licked the mushroom's top. “Ugh. That’s disgusting. It a bit salty though. And slimy. Do you wanna try it?”
“Hannah, please stop putting everything you see in your mouth like a toddler. It could be poisonous, or, I don’t know, full of viruses or things.”
Hannah protested that she was getting really hungry, but she threw the mushroom on the ground and stepped on it.
“Geez, sis, can you stop thinking about food for a minute? No wonder you are getting so chubby. Your ass is already bigger than mine.”
When the yellow moon emerged above the treetops, round and delicious, like a slice of Provolone cheese, it became clear to both of them that their parents simply left them there on purpose and nobody was coming to rescue them. They were alone in the dark forest, cold, hungry, and seriously pissed off.
“Those two weedheads! When I get back, I’ll call social services on them for starving me.” Hannah shook her fist at the full moon as if Lady Luna had anything to do with their misfortune.
“You are 21, I don’t think social services will give two fried shits about you. And honestly, you definitely don’t look starved. You are totally overfilling those leggings. When did you buy them? Last month? Just look at your muffin-top belly.”
They walked for hours, not feeling their feet, but the forest only got darker, deeper, and even more miserable. There were no signs of civilization, except all that weird sounds. Hu-hu-huuuu. Stupid, cold scary forest. And not just that, Hannah was constantly complaining that she was hungry and tired and asking what was that sound or this noise.
Gretel was getting seriously irritated by her younger sister. She kind of started to understand their parent's motive, because she was this close to grabbing Hannah by the shirt, dragging her to some other even darker and more miserable forest, very far away from this one, and just leaving her there to bitch about her life.
Suddenly she spotted a flickering light between the tree branches.
“Hannah, look! I saw something! A Light! It must be a house.”
“I hope they have food.”
They approached the strangely shaped house lit by the moonlight. The air was filled with a sweet, fresh smell. Just as Gretel was about to knock on the door, she heard a loud snap and Hannah’s cursing, “I think I broke the roof or something.”
“What the hell were you doing touching the roof?”
Hannah was holding a large dark piece while sniffing her hand. “Funny, my fingers smell like cookies. Maybe I am delirious from hunger. It won't be the first time.” She carefully licked the chunk she was holding and then bit into it.
“Stop stuffing everything into your mouth! Particularly if it is someone's roof. You don’t know what kind of creeps live here or what was happening on that roof. It could be -”
“- poisonous, yeah, you told me. But you know what? It's actually good, try it. It is seriously one tasty roof. It feels like cinnamon or gingerbread or something. And these things? These are not nails, they are M&Ms!” Hannah was stuffing her mouth at full speed now. “Hey, let me see if this window is made of Oreos.”
Hannah tore a piece of window cladding with another loud crack.
“Stop eating everything you idiot!” Gretel was seriously irritated now.
A dry, rasping voice suddenly came from inside:
“Nibble, nibble, little mouse, Who is nibbling at my house?”
"What the f…" Hannah started.
“Shit, shit, shit! I told you,”,Gretel whispered, “It is your fault. You just have to eat someone's property, right? What if they start shooting?”
Hannah did not reply, she just slowly broke another piece of the window and continued stuffing herself.
The door opened abruptly, and a wrinkly figure leaning on a crutch crept out.
Gretel got chills. Hannah just raised her eyebrows, but continued to chew, staring at the strange creature in front of them.
“Oh sorry sir,” Gretel began apologizing, “We got lost …”
“I think he's a she,” Hannah said, chewing.
The crone shook her head and replied, “Oh, pish-posh. Sir or lady, no bother. Fancier folks have been making this blunder for donkey’s years. Just come in darlings, you are welcome to remain tonight guests of mine. No harm will befall you.”
“You know, you have a very tasty roof, lady,” said Hannah to the woman.
“Hannah, please stop eating the house. Sorry sir, eee, madam, my sister is just perpetually hungry. She may have ingested a small portion of your roof and maybe that little piece of the window over there. I am sure it is nothing to worry about. Hannah! Stop eating!” She slapped her sister over her head.
“Oh, so the wee lass loves to eat?” the old woman giggled like sandpaper. She took them both by the hand and led them to her house.
She then served them pancakes and milk with sugar and whipped cream. Hannah even stole a few pancakes from Gretel's plate because she was still hungry. As the old woman saw it, she nodded and smiled from ear to ear.
She then made two beds for them in one of the spare rooms. There was a very distinct cookie smell everywhere.
Hannah and Gretel went to bed tired, and full, believing they were saved. Hannah even took some leftover window siding to her bed, in case she gets hungry at night. She had a pretty weird dream. She was a bird, a three-eyed raven….
Hannah was suddenly awakened by the old woman shaking her hand. It was still very early in the morning, the sun was barely out yet. The woman motioned her to keep quiet, as not to wake her sister up and took Hannah with her withered wrinkly hand down the stairs to the cellar.
Hannah could see a few metal doors built into the stone walls. The old woman prompted her to go through the closest one. When Hannah stepped into the small room, she noticed a bed next to a wall and a tray of pastries sitting on top of it.
What a bizarre way to serve breakfast, she thought. But when in the forest… She bent down to try some of the croissants when she heard the door slamming behind her. She jumped to the door and started banging on it, but all she could hear was the old woman rattling her keys and laughing madly.
Hannah was now locked in the dim cellar, with just a little bit of light coming through the tiny window near the ceiling. She looked around. The room was small, barely big enough for the bed. She realized in shock that the strange thing attached to the back wall was a toilet and a sink. She was in a jail cell!
