Have you ever had someone leave you for losing/gaining weight?

Discussion in 'Fat in the Media' started by CorinaJade, Jun 22, 2012.

  1. Jun 22, 2012 #1

    CorinaJade

    CorinaJade

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    Just curious if other people have experienced this before. My first long term partner which ended nearly 3 years ago now, had a HUGE problem with me losing weight. I've always steadily gained weight for as long as i can remember. I'm always going to be a big girl, and i'm proud of that, but back then, i was trying to lose weight. (I've had ovarian cysts a few times now, and doctors have told me that my chances of having children would go up if i lost weight.) My partner got really really angry about it, and worried that he would lose me if i got smaller. Which was really disheartening because i wasn't doing it for appearances. Well, eventually my relationship with him ended, and i went from being a confident happy SSBBW, to an insecure, body conscious BBW. My weight loss made me feel worse. (i'd had a similar relationship before him that ended because i was gaining weight).

    Is maintaining a larger weight important for guys who like bigger girls, or do you think once you find that special someone, you'll love them no matter what size they are?

    I know i myself have always prefered bigger guys, but if my fiance suddenly started losing weight (or gaining it for that matter), i wouldn't find him unattractive all of the sudden.
     
  2. Jun 22, 2012 #2

    Dr. Feelgood

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    There is a proverb that says, "Men are seduced through their eyes, women through their ears." I have observed that, generally speaking, men put more emphasis on appearance than women do; on the other hand, your gentleman friend sounds a bit pathological. You've raised an interesting question, and I'll bet you get a lot more 'yes' answers from women than from men.
     
  3. Jun 22, 2012 #3

    Tad

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    I have not, then again I've only had this one serious long term relationship, so not a lot of data points from me.

    However, I would say that, hurtful though it no doubt was, it might have been for the best that you lost weight and found that out about your ex. To me it says that whatever good things there may have been in your relationship, your fitting into his fantasy was more important. That is never a good thing in a relationship, imo. (and it doesn't have to be about weight even, really. You hear of things where when someone leaves a prestigious career, or goes back to work, or even changes their personal style, that some partners just can't accept that change).

    Also, great to see a new poster asking interesting questions!
     
  4. Jun 22, 2012 #4

    Myn

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    That doesn't sound like it's so much about your weight as about his insecurity/need to control. Like, if you had a choice you would leave - and being fat meant you had no choice. Seems like you're well out of that particular boondoggle.
     
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  5. Jun 22, 2012 #5

    Extinctor100

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    I've experienced it myself and talked with other people who've experienced it... the feelings that come with seeing your big and beautiful partner lose weight. It's a complex set of emotions, and honestly, everyone feels a bit differently so I hope I can be as informative as you'd like.

    It's pretty natural for a man to feel a sense of loss. Your body is something he enjoys, so to have less is for him to feel that he's lost something. Like noting there's less food in the refrigerator or less money in the bank account. Not that your body is a possession or a commodity per se (don't want to dehumanize you and anyone) but the thought of there being less to hug and hold alone hurts. It's like getting a smaller slice of cake for dessert than you used to get.

    I definitely agree with Myn that you're well out of that relationship. Whether his anger and worry about losing you originated out of A) a controlling tendency or B) the painful possibility that you stopped loving and acknowledging his desires, he obviously wasn't able to handle it and it's good for you to have moved on to better and more stable things.

    Being able to love and enjoy someone no matter what size they are, is a mature attitude that displays true intimacy between two hearts.
     
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  6. Jun 22, 2012 #6

    Delightfully Peculiar

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    I agree. He seemed very insecure about losing you if you lost weight. Also, some men are afraid of change, an if it's not broken why fix it mentality. It doesn't sound like he was taking your viewpoint and needs into consideration, and that compassion and understanding is very important for a relationship to go the distance.

    I have never had a guy break up with me for wanting to lose weight, but I have had guys try to convince me to lose weight once in a relationship. I suppose they thought that getting me to date them would be easier while I was fat, and then they could just mold me into what ever they wanted. Yeah, that never worked out for them. ;)
     
  7. Jun 22, 2012 #7

    Gingembre

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    Sort of. Although it was more a 'we decided to end because I was losing weight' rather than a 'he left me for losing weight'.
     
  8. Jun 22, 2012 #8

    Diana_Prince245

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    I've had both happen. It is what it is, although it was really odd to be dumped for losing 10 pounds. Because going from 190 to 180 is such a huge difference. I mean I dropped a whole half a pant size. :rolleyes:
     
  9. Jun 23, 2012 #9

    CastingPearls

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    I left my husband because he became abusive after I began to lose weight. The more weight I lost, the more controlling and abusive he grew until it culminated in a physical assault.

    Near the end he admitted he wanted me to get as fat as possible so I would be immobile and completely dependent on him so I could never leave him. I had no idea when I met him what a sociopath he was, so good was he at keeping up a 'normal' appearance. He had family, friends, coworkers and even neighbors convinced he was a prince and I was a pampered princess. Nobody knew that he wouldn't even make eye-contact with me, (nevermind touch me) unless it pertained to food and I ate it. I left him in the middle of Hurricane Irene when he left me sick with the flu, alone with no power, heat, food, or gas in my car to go hang out with his buddies.

    So far I've lost 360 lbs, 120 of which I lost since leaving him on August 29, 2011.
     
  10. Jun 23, 2012 #10

    penguin

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    My ex is into "plumpers", as he calls them. BBWs that are on the low to mid range, I guess. I was always bigger than the type he normally went for, but he loved me, said I was beautiful, yadda yadda yadda. When we broke up, the reason he gave was because I was "too fat." I'd put on about 15kg or so in the three years we were together (not on purpose), and he claimed that I wasn't doing anything to "fix" it. This is despite me asking him to go for walks with me after work (he flat out refused to join me) and he wasn't interested in helping cooking healthier meals. So while I was bigger than he'd prefer, he was using it as an excuse to end the relationship.

    It wasn't working, but that was for other reasons. He likened me having put on weight to being like someone who was cutting - someone who was deliberately hurting themselves, and he couldn't be with someone who did that. He seemed to think it was better to ditch someone who was having problems rather than help them, I guess, which says a lot about his character. He would then act all confused when I wouldn't believe him when he told me I was beautiful, because he'd just told me I was too fat. Too fat for what? To love? To be pretty? To be in a relationship? It was an asshole move on his part, even if he wasn't happy with my weight. The way he ended it had him washing his hands of any wrong doing or mistakes made in the relationship and put it all on me. It took me a long time to get past the crap he'd put on me that I was too fat to love.
     
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  11. Jun 23, 2012 #11

    CorinaJade

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    It's interesting to see it having happened to others as well. Because he was my first serious relationship i was in the mindset that the whole dynamic we had going on was completely normal for a relationship. Now that i've been out of it for a long time and i'm with someone who truely does love me no matter what size i am i can see just how wrong it was to be made felt bad for weight fluctuation. Granted it was a LOT of weight i had lost... I went from being 156 kilos to 105, (110 pounds lost) over a period of a year. Of which i've put back on 30 kilos since i started dating my now fiance. Too many wonderfully delicious breakfasts in bed at the beginning of the relationship.

    I find it sad, it's hard enough to find someone who loves you for who you are when you're a bigger woman (or man for that matter). I spent years thinking i would never be good enough for someone, then to have to be told that if you put weight on, or lose it, you're either no longer attractive, or they find it threatening to them; any confidence you might have built up is immediately shattered.
    That level of control, or worse, abuse is horrible.

    I found this to be quite a new view point of which i had not actually given consideration to in the past. Although i do think in the situation i was in it was a "if she's not fat, she'll leave me for something better" mindset for him, because he had a fair whack of his own insecurities going on, but the loss of something is certainly an interesting point to look at the whole thing from.
     
  12. Jun 25, 2012 #12

    Kamily

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    Yeah my ex hubby told me the same thing. I was contemplating gastric bypass and he said "But if you lose the weight, you will leave me." Well guess what? I didnt have the surgery, didnt lose the weight and I still left him. :happy:
     
  13. Jun 25, 2012 #13

    CarlaSixx

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    I didn't exactly have someone leave me for gaining weight... But I did have someone be interested in me but not start a relationship simply because he thought I would gain weight. Had to keep up appearances. And while I was different than any other girl he'd ever been with, he still found me attractive. That spooked him. Meh. His loss.

    My ex was a little wary of my idea to lose weight, but I think it was more that he thought I was doing it for appearance, rather than for my own health. He didn't leave for that, though.

    ----

    On the other hand... My father was that type of guy with my mother. The idea of her losing weight made him angry. He always liked big women, but feared others would take her if she lost weight. It was a constant battle between them, and eventually I convinced my mother to leave him regardless of weight. She's lost nearly 100lbs since leaving him about 4 years ago. Which is pretty good considering her molibity has quickly declined since she left. My father finally places the blame of the entire situation on himself, and so he should.

    ----

    If it's a thing of control or fear that other men may be better than him, best to ditch him altogether.
     

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