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Homeland Security Hires Werewolf Hunters

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Fuzzy Necromancer

Well-Known Member
Jun 7, 2006
(Not totally sure whether this should go in lounge, due to humorous and satirical nature, or in hyde park, do to the political content, but this seemed like the best bet.)

Posted on October 31st, 2009
By MaryJanice Stoker
Inquirer Staff Writer

Whitehouse Press Secretary Rick Sloane formally announced Homeland Security’s program to recruit a formal task force for the detection, containment, and prosecution of werewolves.

This announcement was made after a large appropriations bill passed that included 2.3 billion dollars for silver bullets. Over three hundred government workers have been employed under the direction of Homeland Security’s new Counter-Occult Division.

“Our traditional domestic and international forces have been insufficient to combat the recent increase in supernatural extremism,” Secretary Sloane said. “I’m sure we can all sleep a lot sounder in our beds knowing that heavily armed men have been given unprecedented powers to override civil liberty in the pursuit of lupine shapeshifters.”

In the 7 hours since its launch, operatives have killed or wounded 7,777,772 adult US citizens, 372 adorable red-headed orphans, 45,287 dogs, 123,457 legal immigrants, and two citrus trees on grounds of suspected lycanthropy.

“There are many signs of lycanthropy, such as hairy palms, long teeth, red hair, and voting third party,” says Counter-Occult Division spokesperson Lucy von Orlock. “The high death rates show that our men in the field are quick to recognize the subtle cues that distinguish evil flesh-eaters from morally upright citizens.”

The program has had a mixed reception. Some critics suggest that the Counter-Occult division is overzealous in its operation.

“So far only six of the individuals subjected to lethal force by operatives have been convicted of any black magic-related charges, and four of those were only investigated after Lucy Von Orlock accidentally ran over them in her driveway,” said civil liberties advocate Wendy Helsing. “People can't even stop shaving or eat steak tartar without being pumped full of silver-coated panic-bullets.”

Other detractors have complained of the program’s inefficiency.
“This is unwarranted Fascist interference in the public sphere,” says Libertarian Senator Ray Ving-Loone. “A free market economy can better provide protection from devil-worshipping supernatural beings without wasting taxpayer money.”

Further controversy stems from the unprecedented expansion of surveillance powers granted to the Counter-Occult Division by the Good Wholesome American act. The new anti-lycanthrope techniques include warrantless-wire-tapping, detaining citizens for one lunar month without trial or charges, deporting East-European immigrants by means of long-range catapults, and hiding federally-employed midgets inside household furniture.

“I’m afraid of werewolves, but these measures are just too invasive,” says Actor Jorge Rivero, 38.
Mr. Rivero says he first suspected he was being monitered when his bedroom closet said “You’re going out in that?!”

Still, supporters of the program defend the surveillance methods as a necessary evil.
“Why are you so worried if you don’t have anything to hide? I say these programs won’t go far enough until everybody with the letter ‘V’ in their name gets a cavity search every hour, on the hour!” said jowly talk-show host Barry Cox.

“These accusations are baseless. No innocent American need fear their privacy being invaded,” said Anti-Occult Division intelligence monitor Angelina Lestat to an Inquirer reporter. “Incidentally, what’s the name of that tune you always sing in the shower? I’ve been trying to think of it all day.”

This Anti-Occult Division only represents the latest development in the War On Horror, initially created because a white house inter-departmental report on middle-eastern terrorism and diplomatic relations in Europe received a misprint heading “Eastern-European Terrorism” and the aid who received it did not bother to read the entire document.
“I still say we still made the right decision,” says wanton apologist Arnold Shmuck. “We were acting on the best information available at the time, and we must stay the course. To turn back now would be an insult to all the lives we have sacrificed.” Arnold’s further remarks were stricken from the records on the grounds that he had gone into “inappropriate and graphic detail” about how he served at the pleasure of the president.

White House detractors point out that supernatural violence in America has actually increased since the harsher measures were put into effect. Censuses report a 73% rise in Horrorist activity, including the dead rising to attack the living, citizens being turned into toads, exsanguinations, entire families dying of fright, and mailbox vandalism.

The entertainment industry has been heavily affected by the War on Horror. “All this immoral activity can be blamed on those godless liberals in Hollywood,” said Ann Coulter, pausing to wipe a trickle of human blood from her mouth and recoil from a reporter’s crucifix. Micheal Moore intends to start a documentary on anti-bimorph discrimination, right after his hooded supplicants prepare the circle of green fire needed to summon him.
Britney Spears denied allegations of using “moon sparkle,” a popular urban drug made from powdered werewolf-teeth. Britney was hospitalized for alleged exhaustion after she began howling, sprouted fur all over her body, then pounced on Ben Affleck and began to consume his raw flesh.

Dick Cheney, who played an influential role in the department’s creation, has refused to make any public appearances after alleged terrorist operative Ralph Nader attempted to assassinate him with a stake, a graveyard shovel, and a bag of holy wafers. So far all Inquirer reporters who attempted to interview him in private have been hospitalized with pernicious anemia.

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