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snipermb435

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Well I haven't posted on here in a very long time, life, different girlfriends, but now I'm married, she knows I'm an FA, she knows I like weight gain and her body her curves and everything about her, body aside I love her to death for who she is, her personality, her smile, her love, her warmth as a partner, you know I'm not super focused on just her body.

Now bit of backstory, so maybe hall can Help me out, she about 335 right now was around 260-270 when I met her, we got married and she got pregnant but after the pregnancy her weight has been spiking for the last year, and partly that's due to her gallbladder being removed be used of the pregnancy.

So right now she doesn't like her body, I've told her time and time again that's she's beautiful, she gorgeous, she's sexy, and I don't think I get across just how beautiful she really is, now I know that my view and my outlook on it, but how do I help her if I can learn to love herself, help her boost her self esteem, you know the important things?

She is very much a foodee, this I know, I'm one myself, she like her food, she tried dieting to get to a smaller size, but as we all know it's hard, I try to encourage her to be happy and healthy and do what she needs for herself, but I think I fail.

So really can I help her love her body again, or see that she is beautiful and not ugly like she thinks she is? Can I show her that she is sexy? Self esteem? But correct me if I'm wrong, even if she loses weight to be happy, or try to be happy, don't you need to love your body no matter what otherwise no matter how much you loose or gain you'll never be happy?

I'd very much like anyone's advice.
 

loopytheone

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This is a difficult one, because it sounds like you are doing everything right. Just keep on being supportive and making sure she knows you will love her at any size. That is all you can do. Things like self esteem and self acceptance are things that people around you can help with but at the end of the day they are something that each individual is responsible for on their own. In time, she will find her way to be confident in herself again, whether that is through losing weight or through accepting her size as it is now. Just keep being there for her and loving her.
 

Tad

mostly harmless
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The great white north, eh?
....

So right now she doesn't like her body, I've told her time and time again that's she's beautiful, she gorgeous, she's sexy, and I don't think I get across just how beautiful she really is, now I know that my view and my outlook on it, but how do I help her if I can learn to love herself, help her boost her self esteem, you know the important things?

.....

So really can I help her love her body again, or see that she is beautiful and not ugly like she thinks she is? Can I show her that she is sexy? Self esteem? But correct me if I'm wrong, even if she loses weight to be happy, or try to be happy, don't you need to love your body no matter what otherwise no matter how much you loose or gain you'll never be happy?
Tl;dr version: focussing on feeling sexy is re-painting a wall that is warped and cracked. Focus first on the underlying issues, then the sexy part will take much better.

Wall of text version:
You sound a lot like I did in the early years of my marriage. What I’ve got to say may or may not really be applicable to you, but it is what I wish I could go back and tell myself in those years, more or less.

Feeling sexy is more of a side effect than a thing. You can’t really make someone feel sexy, at best you can make them feel desired, which is nice, but feeling sexy springs from a lot of internal things. After having a baby, feeling sexy isn’t especially likely, after all their body has just gone through incubating and feeding a baby, which is bound to change their relationship with it. And feeling sexy is also not apt to be as high up their priority list as it once was.

Further, feeling sexy is not the same as feeling good about your body, although feeling good about your body is one of the things that might have the side effect of making you feel more sexy. Unpacking this idea further, feeling good about your body has a lot of components, and is probably vague enough that it is best not to use even that as a goal—better to look at things that are more clear-cut.

It is good to feel in control of your life, including with your body. Bringing a baby into your life can make anyone feel out of control, being the Mom who went through pregnancy, delivery, nursing, etc can (may not for everyone, but can for anyone) increase the feeling of loss of control. Gaining weight can also make anyone feel out of control.

It is good to feel capable. New parents, with a precious new life to care for and nurture, may suddenly feel a greater need for physical capability than they had before. If bending over to pick your baby up off the floor is hard, or getting back to your feet after being on the floor to play with them is a struggle, if you don’t feel physically ready to take them for as long of a walk as you’d like, if there are places you wouldn’t take them because you won’t fit properly—all of those things may make you feel insufficiently capable. And if you worry about being able to keep up with a toddler, this could even veer into fears that you won’t be able to keep your child safe, that they could run towards the road and you might not catch them in time. And further, if you just don’t feel well (your feet and knees hurt, you aren’t sleeping well, you lack energy—all things that can come with being quite heavy) of course you don’t feel capable, you feel old and decrepit.

It is good to be well regarded by others. It is amazing how much judgement total strangers can pass on a new Mom, for having their kid dressed too warmly, not warmly enough, too stereotypically boy/girl, too gender-ambiguously, etc. There can be a constant feel that you are being judged as to whether or not you are a good Mom, doing a good job and fit to raise this child. If you are fat, especially very fat, it is easy to feel that no matter what you do, you will be found wanting. That everyone will be thinking “How can she possibly raise a healthy child when she can’t even control her own weight? I wonder what junk she is already feeding the baby?”

So what I’d say is help her to feel in control of her body, help her feel physically capable (including helping her build that capability if it is lacking), help her find ways to get positive feedback from others and to have confidence in her effectiveness and quality as a Mother. If she is getting that then she’ll have a decent chance of feeling good about her body, and feeling sexy may come back—or for that matter, feeling sexy might make it onto her priority list.

I would suggest talking about ways that both of you could make sure you eat healthier (not necessarily a lot less, but better quality), how she can get regular physical activity of a sort that she enjoys (or at least that doesn’t make her miserable), what she can do to get stronger and more flexible, look at shoes that cushion well, clothes that fit properly but stand up to the demands of being a Mom, time for her to get her hair done regularly, things to do with your child that will make her (both of you really) feel good about your parenting, who in your life makes her feel good about herself and who doesn’t, and how you can spend more time with the former and less with the latter, and so on.

Good luck--and really most of this just comes down to being loving and being patient :)
 
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