How common are closeted fat admirers?

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BigElectricKat

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Ummm... I think that ship has sailed for anyone who would be reading this here. Now, you may get an outlier or two, maybe newer members. But the vast majority of male members here have already exercised their closet FA demons (I would think).
 

sarahee543

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I kind of hope that as my sweetheart is a large person, and my ex was super big, they have worked that out. I did get people who thought there must be another reason like I'm with them for their money or huge penis. Cant accept that you could just be attracted to big guys.
 

BigElectricKat

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I kind of hope that as my sweetheart is a large person, and my ex was super big, they have worked that out. I did get people who thought there must be another reason like I'm with them for their money or huge penis. Cant accept that you could just be attracted to big guys.
Yeah, I used to get that sometimes too.
 

Tempere

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I think it’s just the society we are conditioned into. We don’t know how to treat each other. When I was younger, this all seemed super taboo. Now, I’m fine in some circles talking about items fat related.

I can tell you my wife was floored to hear that I like her fat and having gotten fatter over the last few months. It’s just very uncommon to the average person I guess.
 

happily_married

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I kind of hope that as my sweetheart is a large person, and my ex was super big, they have worked that out. I did get people who thought there must be another reason like I'm with them for their money or huge penis. Cant accept that you could just be attracted to big guys.
Yup. Been there, regarding big girls. I’ve had people ask me everything from “do you just have a fetish” to “do you not value yourself” to other insanely idiotic questions. It’s just so hard for people to accept: some of us just like fat girls.
 

JackCivelli

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I like all shapes sizes and colors of ladies, and that has sometimes been harder, I think, than just liking larger women. When I’m with a thin girl, obviously it just flies under the radar. When I was in shape but dating a big girl, people assumed I was a chubby chaser, or sometimes that I didn’t think I could do better.

Now that I’m fat, if I date a fat girl people just think it’s because fat people date fat people. If I’m dating a slender girl, that’s actually the most difficult. People will tell her she can do better, or ask me why I think stress in my league. As a feedee, I’m somewhat embarrassed to say, I am still very much “in the pantry“.There are very very few people I’ve ever told that I want to get fatter. People seem to think there’s something wrong with you if you want that. Like you’ve got a screw loose or something. Melissa is one of the first people in years I’ve told about my desire to gain weight, and that was only after I knew she wanted that too.
 

Tempere

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My mother could never understand why so many plus size women were drawn to me and felt I should be dating someone closer in my weight range. Sorry mom, I like em thiccccccccccccc and hope they want to get thicker lol.
 

Shotha

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I think that there are degrees of "out" with fat admiration just like there are with being gay. First you have to admit to yourself about preferring fat partners. Then it can feel OK to admit what you like, when you are among others who like it. Then you might come out to a few trusted friends that you're gay or FA. You might date a fat partner but would you marry one? You might find certain environments difficult, e.g. I got terrible ribbing on the gay scene about only dating fat guys. When do you introduce a fat partner to your parents or colleagues? You might be totally out about being FA but would you go on a Fat Pride Parade and risk being seen on TV? Would you agree to talk about it on TV or radio or in the newspapers? And then there's the point raised by @JackCivelli . We might be open about whom we date but would we be that open about being a gainer of feedee. The last one is important to me, because my dream is of two fat guys together. And like with gay men, coming out is not a one-off event. It goes on for a lifetime, every time that we encounter new people.

I think that there are far more FA's and FFA's than care to admit it. More and more of us are emerging as time goes by. One day, we might actually find that it's quite a common phenomenon in human sexual attraction.
 

Broseph

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Thanks for the posts everybody. It‘s no longer a secret that I love fat girls, but it was when I was a teenager. As others have mentioned, I grew up in a society that unfortunately views fat as defective, wrong, even repulsive—at least these are the messages I received as a kid. I internalized all this. So the logical move was to hide it. I feel lucky to have come out, owned it and to now absolutely cherish being a fat admirer. I think lots of people build their lives up without really addressing their FAness. Then it just gets harder and harder to deal with. Everyone has their own path though when it comes to this topic. I can only speak for myself.
 

Broseph

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@Shotha:

All good points, especially the one about gradually coming out and the parallels to being gay. Have you chanced to read "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs? It is specific to the stages of a gay man coming out and the various challenges at each of the (three) stages he identifies. Anyway, I'm a hetero FA and I must have highlighted 75% of the book because I could identify with so many things. If I remember correctly, the first chapter is called "The Little Boy With A Big Secret." In a slightly different sense, that was totally me--the word 'big' all the more fitting!
 

aggeiger

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Even today, after so many years, I will not touch the subject with my friends. At a recent Friday happy hour (before the pandemic) a *beautiful* big women was serving us. I was enthralled and could barely take my eyes off of her, but one of my friends said after she walked away, "fat women do nothing for me," and my other friends nodded in agreement. I felt shame for my attraction to her and didn't say anything. And yes I'm annoyed with myself for not speaking up.
 

DazzlingAnna

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Same as @FatBarbieDoll I am very curious to know about why people don't show up with the person they find attractive.
I know from first hand experience what nasty comments and actions come across, being the fat person in this.

I am at the point to act consequently - who's not feeling comfortable been seen with me or even feels embarrassed when being together in public he/she doesn't deserved to have me as friend or partner in my life.
This definitely decimated the number of my so called friends. But are they worth called 'real friends'? I bet these friends dissapear as soon as any other problems appear anyway.
On the above I focused on friends but in relationships it is even worse.
A man or a partner who's embarrassed by the other one being fat (or whatever) when out in public - I bet it feels not good for him/her.

But this is nothing compared to how the fat partner in this feels. And it needs a lot of support, personal strength and self confidence to cope with it.
(In case you are asking if I am talking from personal experience: yes, I do.)

Everybody can keep his preferences as little or big secrets. Nothing wrong about that.
But once you've decided to be with a partner. Be proud and show the world with whom you are happy with.
No one on this world needs to be admired in private only and I speak for myself, I don't want to be admired secretly and hidden when friends show up!
 

op user

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BEM “Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are."
 

Sonic Purity

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[Composed before @DazzlingAnna’s post and maybe others since hers. Takes me awhile. BEK did it in 2 words; i take paragraphs]

I’m wondering to what degree the way a given person innately socializes/relates to others and/or how concerned/unconcerned they are with the opinion of others factors into the amount of closeted/pantried (love that term, @JackCivelli).

My whole life my innate personality has minimized concerns regarding what others think: i’ve always tended towards being a loner far more than a social butterfly. Even with major depression and self-esteem issues which generally tend to make people care more what others think, somehow i’ve always had confidence in my own convictions. Peer pressure was barely anything to me in high school, for example.

Even with all that being the case, living in a time and place with zero-ever exposure to fat people being worthy attractive sexy beings and absolutely no concept of anyone other than me in the universe being excited by a person to whom i’m attracted getting fatter had me keeping things inside—even from my love interest with whom i (and she) fell into a never-discussed light feedism/gaining dynamic for several years. (Low moderate gain, extremely exciting to me at the time. Pro tip: calling out in the throes of sex near orgasm how exciting it is that your True Love now weighs a little more than you do whilst her being a foot shorter may lead her to reverse course and “lighten up”.)

Years later upon first discovering the fatosphere (paper tabloid local newspaper. I have scans i can share in a different, more appropriate thread), i finally learned the crucial lesson that i was far from alone, thus not insane nor unreasonable in my innate desires. Earlier life patterns made more sense. I had language and terminology to understand and communicate what was going on for me, and others not like me in this then-new-to-me world.

At the time as usual i was not dating (a mythical term to me) nor otherwise involved intimately with anyone, so there was hardly anyone to whom to come out. When visiting my parents, i had a nice calm discussion about this with my mother, so she’d know what to expect in the future if/when i brought a good friend and/or love interest over. (As always she was chill about it. She’s just about the most chill person of her generation myself or anyone has ever known.) Discussed it also with my close friends at the radio station (which at that time was most of my life and my entire friendship pool. Surprisingly few BBW there, and that’s a whole other story).

When the Maine to California romance became an ongoing thing and my first-ever true BBW lover moved west to live with me, friends and family knew what to expect. I think the hirsuteness (which i’d not thought to mention as far as i recall) threw them off more than her medium-range obvious fatness.

Over time as my life became stranger and stranger and especially as i became farther and farther disconnected from society, i had less and less to lose. More than that, this world—the fatlovesex world—became more and more central to my life, and who i am. It came to the point that people could not know me without hearing about this world, and at least understanding some of the basics.

Over the last half decade it’s been at the point that i will tell anyone anything any time about my my innate desires/preferences and this realm. It’s become the opposite of being closeted: “Shut uuuuupp already about your love of fat women! I get it! You love fat women and the fatter they are the more into them you are—got it. Please let’s move on!” That’s not an exact quote of a discussion i had with my primary care physician, but it’s close.

Funniest and most dramatic coming out might have been 2 years ago in March. I was part of a jury pool being empaneled. The defense attorney was asking friendly questions about what people did (e.g. work etc.) as an ice-breaker at the start of the voir dire process. When he asked me, i calmly, clearly, confidently explained that i was an unpublished fiction author writing fatlovesex stories, then explained what that term meant. The awkward squirmy tension in the room was palpable; he said something along the lines of “Ohhhh kaaay!” and quickly moved on. A wonderful and wise woman (who later led our jury group) on the borderline between plump and small BBW sat to my immediate left. I still wonder what went through her mind at that point. Wrote a novella based on someone quite like her and a proxy character for me.

My issues are a profound lack of social skills in terms of making new friends/meeting people, depression, poverty, decades of being unemployed, and a severe disease that no one’s figured out how to solve yet that makes eating food difficult. (The struggle is real, and daily. Today’s a bad day: i won’t be able to do more than sip water all day.) I will be seen proudly with people (preferably women, especially with a strong friendship/romantic spark) of any degree of fatness anywhere any time i can manage—proudly and gratefully with them. Walk or sitting in a park or botanical garden… in a museum… visiting a crafts store… bicycling (if they’re into it)… dropping by the house in which i grew up and saying hi to my mom—anything.

In my case, i truly have nothing to lose from anyone failing to accept the amazing people i love in my heart and i’d like to be loving intimately physically in reality. Those who might have careers or important friendships at stake from judgments of closed-minded people are working with a whole other equation with far more severe restraints.
 

Rojodi

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I got two words for ya! PEER PRESSURE.:(
In high school, my peers tried to pressure me into not dating or even liking BBWs. That failed miserably!!! No one can pressure me: My sister did it best LOL

But with each girl I met and talked with, there were three or four athletes, nerds, and friends who'd ask me "Man, you're brave. Can she get me a friend to date?"

College, no one said boo! But there were many MANY in the closet! And now, as a professional nerd, they're still out there, increasing in numbers!
 

Mel KM

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I’ve liked fat boys for as long as I’ve liked boys at all! But I am still very much in the closet. My friends and family have seen the guys I date, so I’m sure they’ve figured out I prefer the large-and-in-charge body type. But I have a hard time confessing to that and it’s obvious. I until recently I even had a hard time interacting with people in the community about being a feeder.

I'm trying though! I want to be out about it!
 

Shotha

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@Shotha:

All good points, especially the one about gradually coming out and the parallels to being gay. Have you chanced to read "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs? It is specific to the stages of a gay man coming out and the various challenges at each of the (three) stages he identifies. Anyway, I'm a hetero FA and I must have highlighted 75% of the book because I could identify with so many things. If I remember correctly, the first chapter is called "The Little Boy With A Big Secret." In a slightly different sense, that was totally me--the word 'big' all the more fitting!
Interesting point. I've often wondered why straight people don't enjoy more gay literature and cinema, because there is much for them to learn from it. I often comment on the similarities between the gay experience of life and the FA/FFA experience of life, including coming out.

We can only make educated guesses at how many closeted gays there are and at how many closeted FA/FFA's there are. Another similarity. If we asked people about who they were attracted to in a questionnaire, we would learn nothing new. If the questionnaire included contact details such as name and address, only the out gays and out FA/FFA's would show up.

One important point about coming out is that it is a relief. You don't have to worry about being outed any more. It puts you in control of your own life.
 
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