How common are closeted fat admirers?

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Shotha

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Same as @FatBarbieDoll I am very curious to know about why people don't show up with the person they find attractive.
I know from first hand experience what nasty comments and actions come across, being the fat person in this.

I am at the point to act consequently - who's not feeling comfortable been seen with me or even feels embarrassed when being together in public he/she doesn't deserved to have me as friend or partner in my life.
This definitely decimated the number of my so called friends. But are they worth called 'real friends'? I bet these friends dissapear as soon as any other problems appear anyway.
On the above I focused on friends but in relationships it is even worse.
A man or a partner who's embarrassed by the other one being fat (or whatever) when out in public - I bet it feels not good for him/her.

But this is nothing compared to how the fat partner in this feels. And it needs a lot of support, personal strength and self confidence to cope with it.
(In case you are asking if I am talking from personal experience: yes, I do.)

Everybody can keep his preferences as little or big secrets. Nothing wrong about that.
But once you've decided to be with a partner. Be proud and show the world with whom you are happy with.
No one on this world needs to be admired in private only and I speak for myself, I don't want to be admired secretly and hidden when friends show up!
@DazzlingAnna I totally empathize with your comments about who hurtful it can be to a fat person, when their "partner" is ashamed to be seen in public with them. When I first dated a fat man, I was terrified of friends seeing us together. The gay community was utterly obnoxious towards us and I don't think that I was as supportive as I could have been. My female friends stood up for us. I heard many stories of guys not wanting to be seen with a fat partner, including one of a guy asking his boyfriend to walk ten steps behind him, when they were out and about together, so that people would not realize that they were together.

After this experience, I decided to make it very obvious in future that the fat man that I was with was my boyfriend. If someone is good enough to date then they're good enough to be seen with. I also decided that people, who offended my partner, were not my friends and just walked away from them.

I remember seeing a short film called Hard Fat about gay men who find ball bellies attractive. (It's on Youtube.) It talks about guys wanting to be with fat guys but are scared of being caught with them. This just made me firmer in my conviction that you have to stand by the person you love, no matter what others may think or say.

All of us on this site are at about our feelings about fat people, be it ourselves or our love ones. We've been open with ourselves and with others on Dims. In that sense we are leading the way in making fat admiration more widely known, understood and accepted. I can only see the future getting rosier for us.
 

FatBarbieDoll

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Ask if you wanna be friends.,
I think that there are degrees of "out" with fat admiration just like there are with being gay. First you have to admit to yourself about preferring fat partners. Then it can feel OK to admit what you like, when you are among others who like it. Then you might come out to a few trusted friends that you're gay or FA. You might date a fat partner but would you marry one? You might find certain environments difficult, e.g. I got terrible ribbing on the gay scene about only dating fat guys. When do you introduce a fat partner to your parents or colleagues? You might be totally out about being FA but would you go on a Fat Pride Parade and risk being seen on TV? Would you agree to talk about it on TV or radio or in the newspapers? And then there's the point raised by @JackCivelli . We might be open about whom we date but would we be that open about being a gainer of feedee. The last one is important to me, because my dream is of two fat guys together. And like with gay men, coming out is not a one-off event. It goes on for a lifetime, every time that we encounter new people.

I think that there are far more FA's and FFA's than care to admit it. More and more of us are emerging as time goes by. One day, we might actually find that it's quite a common phenomenon in human sexual attraction.

My understanding is that the gay community is very hostile to fat, perhaps even more so than the straight community.
 

Shotha

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My understanding is that the gay community is very hostile to fat, perhaps even more so than the straight community.
Yes, the gay scene is very hostile to fat but not all gay men go on the gay scene and those who don't are not so hostile. The traditional gay fatphobia led to the creation of the chubs-and-chasers scene and the bears scene, and there is a lot of interaction between these two. Just as straight people are learning about chasers and bears and becoming more accepting of us, so are gay men becoming more accepting.

I live in the rather sparsely populated New Zealand, where community groups can be very small, we have to accept all who turn up, or have no group at all. I'm in the rather strange situation of being in a small city, where the LGBTI+ community is dominated by fat gay men. I'm the only one of them who likes being fat and that annoys the others.

When I lived in the more populous UK, I didn't venture very often on the gay scene with my partners. It wasn't that I was ashamed of the fat guys that I dated; I just didn't want to drag them into such a hostile environment. I was quite happy for everyone else to see us together.
 

AmyJo1976

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Men are just people in society and they try to conform to societies standards. I have never met an FFA that cared about what other people thought, so I just have to go on men with this one. Men are scared about what their family or friends might think about being in a relationship with a plus sized woman. That's something I do not understand, but that's what I have been told. Some can get over that and some can't. I know from experience that either they come to terms or they spend the rest of their life in the closet, cause no woman will tolerate a man that doesn't want to be seen with them.
 

DazzlingAnna

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Men are just people in society and they try to conform to societies standards. I have never met an FFA that cared about what other people thought, so I just have to go on men with this one. Men are scared about what their family or friends might think about being in a relationship with a plus sized woman. That's something I do not understand, but that's what I have been told. Some can get over that and some can't. I know from experience that either they come to terms or they spend the rest of their life in the closet, cause no woman will tolerate a man that doesn't want to be seen with them.
thanks @AmyJo1976 for bringing up your point about FFA - that was a question I had in my mind.
>Is this a male phenomenon only?
 

Sonic Purity

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thanks @AmyJo1976 for bringing up your point about FFA - that was a question I had in my mind.
>Is this a male phenomenon only?
I have almost no data points for either male or female FAs other than myself. There may well be a gender bias on this (i wouldn’t know), but i highly doubt it’s so hard-gendered men vs. women. Certain people are more sensitive by nature and/or circumstance to what others around them/in their lives think about their friends/lovers/life partners/other intimates. Others of us respect our own choices and our intimates, and do not much (or at all) care what other people think.

I know from experience that either they come to terms or they spend the rest of their life in the closet, cause no woman will tolerate a man that doesn't want to be seen with them.
I can’t imagine that any person of any gender/identity/etc. will or would tolerate a lover/friend/etc. who doesn’t want to be seen with them. Who would tolerate being shamed by someone who allegedly likes/loves/cares about them? (Perhaps apart from people who have a shaming kink, which is far outside my personal understanding.)
 

Jon Blaze

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My preferences were a much bigger deal in my teen years. Now that I'm 32 I feel my apprehension was primarily about the awkwardness of adolescence. I hid it for years, but that occurred at a time where I starved for approval. I lacked self-confidence, was never popular, and sometimes dealt with bullying. I also couldn't clearly define it then. So it became another reason why I was never going to fit in. The few that I've met often exhibit similar behaviors.

I stopped caring what people think around 16. I still have negative opinions of popularity (especially when I consider it unwarranted), and many societal standards. But now I'm very comfortable having conversations about it. I'm also less likely to anticipate animosity. My mindset is no longer me preparing via defense. Even if I assumed they may have a problem I really don't care what people think. I have no problem adding another person to my pile of former friends. I consider judging people for their preferences (or lack thereof) to be an incredibly petty thing.

This and related issues is a big reason why most of my friends aren't men. Western society projects this image of men as straight-shooters that don't cave into pressure. Unfortunately most of my experiences have been the opposite. How many closet FFAs or fetishists have ever called a BHM a moped? The women I've interacted with may sometimes complain about people not finding them attractive. But I've never heard of one become an Incel. A lot of guys put themselves through the ringer for the approval of other men. I was already disillusioned by a lot of society at 18 so it never became a big deal for me. There's so many fucks I don't give about what other men think of me. But a lot of that anger has turned into healthy levels of apathy. I won't snap at someone about it unless it's a really drawn out complaint, or a constant issue they bring up.
 

op user

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After three small beers and a discussion with a thin lady and a beer buddy: sometimes you don't care to show your preferences. The lady rather skinny doing yoga (other details withheld to protect the innocent) discussed how a good-looking acquittance (slim athletic) of her ended with a plumb lady. The atmosphere was not optimal to point out the advantage of BBW over a skinnier lady so I let the discussion go.

My point: a FA will make its move but wouldn't necessarily manifest its position in a general conversation. On the other hand he will make clear its appreciation to a large lady next to him and let his friends know his preference.

I keep re-reading the post and spot mistakes also I am short on coffee. If you need to double read the post kindly do it in a good way not an incendiary.
 

Shotha

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thanks @AmyJo1976 for bringing up your point about FFA - that was a question I had in my mind.
>Is this a male phenomenon only?
I don't think that this is a male only phenomenon but I definitely think that there is a gender bias to it. Society still places different expectations on men and women. I think that we place far too much expectation on women to be pretty. This in turn applies pressure on a man to find a conventionally beautiful female partner. It is not viewed as such a disaster if a woman chooses a man, who carries some extra weight. Of course, not everyone (male and female) chooses to live by societal expectations or peer pressure.
 

Shotha

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And then there are these two scenarios.

For some of us it takes longer for us to realize what we like that it does other. For example, some gay men realize that they prefer other boys at the onset of puberty. Others don't realize that the prefer the same sex until late in life, sometimes in their 60's or older. Some of these people quite genuinely do not realize that they are gay. Others, of course, are just ashamed to admit it. I wonder if the same sort of thing happens with FA/FFA's. Are there FA/FFA's who just don't realize what they prefer until late in life?

And then there are gay men and lesbians, who daren't be open about their preference for the same sex and marry a member of the opposite sex for cover but have secret same-sex lovers. I wonder how many FA/FFA's there are, who marry slim partners but have secret fat lovers.
 

LuvsBustyBBW

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I think there are still closeted males that admire from afar, secretly wishing they could work up the courage to openly pursue the object of their desire.
Despite our supposedly being "adults", we're really still 7th grade boys, seeking acceptance of our peers and fearing judgement or ridicule for our choice or preferences. We follow the herd rather than stand alone, not caring what anyone thinks except the recipient of our affection. It took me years to break out of that prison, but then I realized how difficult it is to find a partner. Most dating sites are scams and not focused on BBW and admirers. I've still got hope though. I'm close to retirement and hoping that the stars will align for me.
 
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