How do you deal with opposition?

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CuriousKitten

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Okay so last year my boyfriend now husband convinced me to gain with him. A year and circa 35lbs later, it has been a lot of fun but now it seems that everyone in my life is against me. My parents have flat out berated me for my weight gain as if gaining any weight meant I was weak and a loser. One of my friends made a huge deal about my weight when he saw my recent pictures. I just feel like everyone is starting to get on my case now that my weight gain is getting fairly noticeable. Even my husband's dad and stepmom spent most of what should have been our celebratory dinner talking about their new "diet." I wish I could just be accepted for me. My husband and I enjoy our lifestyle but it makes us very upset and stressed out when people in our lives that are important to us are so opposed.

I didn't think "coming out of the fridge" to the family would help any so I wanted to know what other people who may have been in similar situation have done to deal with opposition for people close to them. How do you go after your growing desires when at every turn people are picking on you?

I wanted to continue gaining in 2010 but I am feeling a lot of pressure to lose instead.

Help?
 

Imp

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People are as entitled to their feelings about weight gain as you are. Some will express their feelings to you, which they are free to do as well, especially if they are coming from a position of what they think as your welfare. Why should they celebrate something they don't feel the same way about as you do?

You handle this in two ways. First, you thank them for caring. I hope you feel thankful that they care, but you don't have to to express it. :) Second, you communicate that you're happy, that you're paying attention to the issues they're talking about, and that if things spin out of control you will certainly re-evaluate how you're living your life. Then, if you can, you kiss them on their cheeks and ask them if they would like some cake.
 

strataadvance

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I agree with the above post. If I might add just one more thought. The majority of society really can't fathom how someone could be happy being fat. Let alone enjoying the process of getting fatter-and loving being even fatter. The main focus I think you should have is to make them see that you ARE indeed Happy. They love you and must believe that deep down your gain is a sad thing for you. Work on demonstrating that your weight is only upsetting when you are constantly having to defend yourself about it.
Trying to explain that you are gaining on purpose is just too much for a mainstream person to grasp.
Additionally-as a Newlywed you have an out for gaining weight. Many newlyweds gain weight quite accidently. I sang at a wedding 19 years ago for a woman who had always been 5'2" tall and 115 pounds. In just four months of being a stay at home wife she tipped the scales at 160 pounds. Two years later she was 210 pounds. I just recently saw some photos of an absolute Goddess -a Bombshell! She is about 240 now and she is so confident and Gorgeous that she almost Melts the camera lens!
Tell them you are happy. When you gain some more this year-Tell them you're Still Happy! And you ended up gaining weight as a result of just feeling great and relaxed and totally loved! Because that's really the truth-Isn't it? :)
 

Theotherone

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Another thing you have to think about is that's it's rare to win every one over when you make a significant change. I bet you would have gotten just as much flak from family members if you changed your politics or religion. You have to do what we all do make a change--decide whether what you gain in personal happiness is worth the negativity you get from outside forces.
 

disconnectedsmile

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I wish I could just be accepted for me. My husband and I enjoy our lifestyle...
that's all that matters.

if people who "care" about you do nothing but belittle you, you have to ask yourself "well, just how much do they really care?"
someone who cares about you won't make you feel like less of a person.
and if they do, they aren't worth your time.
and, as an adult, you have the power and every damn right in the world to cut them out of your life.
 

Lovelyone

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People are as entitled to their feelings about weight gain as you are. Some will express their feelings to you, which they are free to do as well, especially if they are coming from a position of what they think as your welfare. Why should they celebrate something they don't feel the same way about as you do?

You handle this in two ways. First, you thank them for caring. I hope you feel thankful that they care, but you don't have to to express it. :) Second, you communicate that you're happy, that you're paying attention to the issues they're talking about, and that if things spin out of control you will certainly re-evaluate how you're living your life. Then, if you can, you kiss them on their cheeks and ask them if they would like some cake.
This bold portion of this post really annoys me. NO ONE is ENTITLED to express their thoughts and opinions about what you do with your own body. EVER.
While its true that some people think that they are "free to" express their thoughts on the subject...its just plain rude and inconsiderate. What one person does with their body is no one's business.
Some of the advice that you offered is good. I agree that some people only have your best interests at heart when they tell you that they are concerned...but they have NO right to tell you how to live, and what to do with your body.
The way I deal with opposition is to say, "I love that you are concerned. It means that you care very much about me. I appreciate where you are coming from with YOUR opinion...however, I am happy and according to my doctor I am amazingly healthy. I am an adult. It is MY body, and MY decision to do with it what I want. IF you have issues with my size--that is YOUR own insecurity, not mine. Knowing that I do not have issues with my weight gain, I would hope that in the future you will respect this (or me) and kindly keep your opinions about my body to yourself."
If I am dealing with someone that has strong opposition I add on, "If you can't respect me in this regard, perhaps we should just not know one another."
It's worked for me.
 

CuriousKitten

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This bold portion of this post really annoys me. NO ONE is ENTITLED to express their thoughts and opinions about what you do with your own body. EVER.
While its true that some people think that they are "free to" express their thoughts on the subject...its just plain rude and inconsiderate. What one person does with their body is no one's business.
I completely agree! I just don't get how weight seems to be a normal topic of conversation! It seems like all anyone in my life can talk about is their diet.. whatever ridiculous mainstream fad diet they seem to be on.. it's ridiculous. And whether you lost weight or not a lot of people compliment you by saying "oh you lost weight!" like they have a right to even comment on it?

My problem is everyone is ALWAYS talking about my weight or their dumb diets with the not so subtle invitation to join them in their diets. I can appreciate the fact they want to diet for themselves. I can tolerate a lot of different things but it's hard when I feel that people don't tolerate me.

Thanks for all your advice. Id' love to just cut people out of my life who don't agree/support (in fact my husband and I had the conversation about trying to find more friends who were like us) but with my parents I can't cut them out of my life and my weight is ALL they talk about. I can't think of a single topic of conversation I have had with them in the last three months that somehow did not revolve around my weight.. .or my husband's weight... I can see them caring about me and being concerned because I'm their daughter but for them to pick on my husband's weight? Seriously what the hell!

Thanks to everyone for listening. I appreciate it.
 

superodalisque

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sometimes if i'm doing something people don't agree with i ask myself why the need to tell them anything? just do what you do and if they make a comment about the weight gain just tell them you like it and leave it at that. if they say they are worried about your health explain that your health is good. if its not you should be making efforts to manage it(your health). other than that i'd tell them they are doing you more harm by stressing you out over it. but actually the most effective thing is to just shut people down by not discussing it with them at all. just don't open the door and virtually ask for thier approval. and definitely don't complain to them about any aspect of it. you have to come from a position of power. you don't have to cut people out of your life. but if they start the diet talk i usually go dumb and say absolutely nothing. after a while they get the message.
 

jigawatt

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Hey CK, I agree with some of the other posters. The important thing is you and your husband agree and enjoy your lifestyle. You both don't owe anybody an explanation for that. It's a tough world out there that does not understand fat in any form. It's important to be there for each other during those times. You also have the support of forums like this. My partner and I have gone through the same experience. I have found what has helped me when the family complains about our increasing weight is pointing out our weight has not prevented us from living our lives (paying the bills, going to a concert, taking a vacation, supporting the local sport teams etc.) pretty much living happy and well.
 

Lovelyone

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Thanks for all your advice. Id' love to just cut people out of my life who don't agree/support (in fact my husband and I had the conversation about trying to find more friends who were like us) but with my parents I can't cut them out of my life and my weight is ALL they talk about. I can't think of a single topic of conversation I have had with them in the last three months that somehow did not revolve around my weight.. .or my husband's weight... I can see them caring about me and being concerned because I'm their daughter but for them to pick on my husband's weight? Seriously what the hell!

Thanks to everyone for listening. I appreciate it.

Sometimes just the threat of cutting someone out of your life will bring them to the realization that you are serious about how you feel. It brings them back to reality and often times are more sensitive to your feelings in the future. I've had it backfire too. I said that to someone and they agreed. We were no longer friends. I didn't feel as if I lost that much considering how they displayed their disdain toward me in the first place.

Whatever you do, I hope that it's something that can make you happy

ETA: you could always get up and leave the room when they talk about your weight. Sooner or later someone will catch on that you dont want to hear about it anymore.
 

Shosh

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This bold portion of this post really annoys me. NO ONE is ENTITLED to express their thoughts and opinions about what you do with your own body. EVER.
While its true that some people think that they are "free to" express their thoughts on the subject...its just plain rude and inconsiderate. What one person does with their body is no one's business.
Some of the advice that you offered is good. I agree that some people only have your best interests at heart when they tell you that they are concerned...but they have NO right to tell you how to live, and what to do with your body.
The way I deal with opposition is to say, "I love that you are concerned. It means that you care very much about me. I appreciate where you are coming from with YOUR opinion...however, I am happy and according to my doctor I am amazingly healthy. I am an adult. It is MY body, and MY decision to do with it what I want. IF you have issues with my size--that is YOUR own insecurity, not mine. Knowing that I do not have issues with my weight gain, I would hope that in the future you will respect this (or me) and kindly keep your opinions about my body to yourself."
If I am dealing with someone that has strong opposition I add on, "If you can't respect me in this regard, perhaps we should just not know one another."
It's worked for me.
Can you tell my mother that for me? Lol! She is fighting me tooth and nail because I want to have my lap band removed.
My family always comments on my size. It is a given.:rolleyes:
 

voluptuouslover

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Wow, this topic is exactly right down the line of what happened this weekend to me.

My wife has slowly started gaining weight again in the past year, nothing major but probably 15-20 Lbs. which is quite noticeable on her figure @ 5' 3" (much to my loving). She has been quite a bit heavier in the past but it was in the couple of years after she had all our children years back. I would say she is close to the biggest she has been since then probably at 160+Lbs. right now. She is not ever happy about her little gains I like to call them even though she knows I love her to gain weight but she is very strong headed either way I guess. She is definitely aware and brings it up to me indirectly about her past years weight gain by saying things while she is getting dressed out loud like when she is trying to squeeze into a pair of her largest size jeans (granted they are low waisted designer jeans that fit rather snug to begin with) and I happen to catch a glimpse of her jumping up and down trying to pry them on and seeing her struggle to even zip or button them after several minutes getting them over her butt and thighs. She then says, gosh I am a fat cow" and looks over at me all mad and disgusted. Although other times she is eaten with reckless abandon in some sexy stretch pants not carring for the moment if her figure is expanding.

So this weekend we had family over for an afternoon of wine and a casual dinner etc. and after I saw my wife after her shower getting dressed she had on some sexy stylish black workout pants with a dressier long snug fitting sweatshirt that happened to show every Lb she has gained this past year. I happened to love it but was sort of shocked that she would be wearing this for fear people would comment or notice her weight gain. Sure enough I saw many glances and could only imagine what the other thinner relatives (cousins of hers) might be thinking. There was never anything said but I am sure it will soon surface in conversation amongst everyone of the other ladies how my wife has started really fattening up again. Funny thing was is everytime I saw my wifes breathtaking figure very much curvier is thinking how much more beautiful she was compare to the thinner cousins. Also I noticed there husbands paying more attention to my wife and looking at her with smiles.

Long story short, my wife does not like it when she gains weight but I certainly do and she does not try and hide it, she wearsall her sexy style clothes yet classy and lets the extra curves squueze through the fabric almost as if to say "yes, I have gained weight cant you tell." Although in front of me she will complain that she needs to diet because she is so fat.
 

tjw1971

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As much as it may in fact BE rude and inconsiderate, and it may "really annoy you" - I think it is, in fact,a true statement that a person is entitled to express their opinions (even if those are negative opinions about another person's body).

By the same token though, you ALWAYS have the right to disagree and express your OWN opinions (including those about THEIR body) too - and obviously, can choose who you wish to break off communications with too.

Maybe this is a pointless post, really ... but something just bothered me about how quickly some people were accepting the statement. I guess freedom of speech isn't valued in all parts of the world, but it sure is to me as a U.S. citizen, at least ... and I realize that you can't place qualifiers on that simply because they say things that make you uncomfortable.


This bold portion of this post really annoys me. NO ONE is ENTITLED to express their thoughts and opinions about what you do with your own body. EVER.
While its true that some people think that they are "free to" express their thoughts on the subject...its just plain rude and inconsiderate. What one person does with their body is no one's business.
 

thatgirl08

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Okay so you're saying it's acceptable for me to walk around going YOU'RE FUCKING UGLYYYYYY?
 

LoveBHMS

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As much as it may in fact BE rude and inconsiderate, and it may "really annoy you" - I think it is, in fact,a true statement that a person is entitled to express their opinions (even if those are negative opinions about another person's body).

By the same token though, you ALWAYS have the right to disagree and express your OWN opinions (including those about THEIR body) too - and obviously, can choose who you wish to break off communications with too.

Maybe this is a pointless post, really ... but something just bothered me about how quickly some people were accepting the statement. I guess freedom of speech isn't valued in all parts of the world, but it sure is to me as a U.S. citizen, at least ... and I realize that you can't place qualifiers on that simply because they say things that make you uncomfortable.
There is nothing funnier than throwing around the term "freedom of speech" in this context. I mean really.....call the Supreme Court because she doesn't want her family commenting on her body? This is hardly a constitutional matter.
 

Lovelyone

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As much as it may in fact BE rude and inconsiderate, and it may "really annoy you" - I think it is, in fact,a true statement that a person is entitled to express their opinions (even if those are negative opinions about another person's body).

By the same token though, you ALWAYS have the right to disagree and express your OWN opinions (including those about THEIR body) too - and obviously, can choose who you wish to break off communications with too.

Maybe this is a pointless post, really ... but something just bothered me about how quickly some people were accepting the statement. I guess freedom of speech isn't valued in all parts of the world, but it sure is to me as a U.S. citizen, at least ... and I realize that you can't place qualifiers on that simply because they say things that make you uncomfortable.
Yes, I feel entitled to tell you that you are right...
your post was pointless.
 

GordoNegro

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In one ear and out the other works for me.
Then again, I don't spend alot of time with those who openly criticize anyhow, as I work OT.
Though for work/family/friends, I basically nod as I hear what they are saying but at this stage, it is an afterthought to how good I feel overall; as it's more of an annoyance as opposed to being deeply troubled by others insightful words, comments advice etc.
I know its harder for those with different situations especially tightly knit friends/family where everything is their business.
Laughter, deflection, body language, there are many different ways to get a point across.
To answer the OP's last question, basically take the time and see what matters most to you. If you feel more uncomfortable being fatter around others as opposed to your own personal fulfillment, I think that answers it for you.
 
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