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How do you handle compliments in your relationships?

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gythaogg

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Hey there gang, long time lurker, first time poster, 21 year old woman and fat admirer. I'm grateful to have found the community, and no longer feel so alone in my lifelong love for fat men and women.

I've been in a pretty fantastic relationship for several years with a guy who has the body type of my dreams (and more importantly has a fantastic personality). Obviously this isn't my problem. He knows about my preferences, and thinks I'm completely insane but is glad of it, though he has a lot of trouble imagining that other women might share my preference.

(As a side note, I've noticed that online, everyone seems to be familiar with the idea of BBWs and men who like them, and bears and men who like them, but they so rarely seem to be aware of the existence of women who are into big men. I wonder about whether there really are more male than female FAs, or whether there's a perception gap going on somewhere - perhaps it's a failure of imagination, or a result of the stereotypes about women being less visual than men. Any theories?)

Anyway, what I'm wondering is this: how do you feel about complimenting someone you're involved with on a feature of theirs that they often dislike and you love? My boyfriend really dislikes and is embarrassed about his belly, but loves his food, so even though he gets plenty of regular exercise through his job, the belly isn't going anywhere. Even though he knows that I love it, I find it really hard to strike a balance between complimenting him on things I like whilst avoiding accidentally insulting him by suggesting that he's looking particularly wonderfully round on some day. I tend to go for saying something like, "I love the way you look" or "I love your shape as it is right now", "I love your tummy/legs/back", or more explicit equivalents, though really I wish I could say something like, "I love how much tighter that shirt is looking lately", or, "I love how round and soft you are". I think I've found a decent balance - honest compliments that don't remind him of aspects of his looks he doesn't like - but I'd love to hear how other FFAs handle this. (Well, really I'd love to hear how everyone handles this, because I'm sure that this is an even more difficult issue to navigate when the object of your affections is a woman who may have spent her life in a culture that REALLY ramps up her body issues.) There doesn't appear to be any language available that is both flattering and truthful to describe big men's bodies as there is for women - I can't call him voluptuous, curvy or the like, and there's no word for man-boobs or belly bulge that he, as a non-FA, is going to consider flattering rather than insulting. The added dimension here is that we're not entirely monogamous, and when we recently hooked up with someone else, I think it meant a lot to him to be considered attractive by a "normal", non-FA lass, so I would hate to make him feel like he's out of the range of attraction for women who don't have as much of a defined preference as I do - I don't want to take away that confidence.

So ladies, how much do you hold back or modify your language when complimenting or talking dirty to your significant others? And men, what would you prefer to hear, and what makes you uncomfortable?

Let me know if I've breached any etiquette - always happy to learn!
 

Tad

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Welcome to Dimensions, and thanks for such a great question as a first post :)

I'm a plump male FA married to a smallish BBW non-FA. So I have no experience on complimenting the plump male form for its plumpness--if my wife give me compliments, it is not for that. On the other hand, as an FA I know well your feelings. I'd love to be able to say "Wow, your jeans are looking pretty snug, I love how that shows off that your belly has plumped up" or "I love that sexy jiggle in your thighs." But yah, very definately things NOT to say!

So my compromise is basically like yours. Mostly compliment the things that are reasonably safe....ideally something she'll like about her body, but at the very least something that is somewhat neutral. And very occasionally I'll make a comment about my enjoyment about something that I know she may not be entirely comfortable with. Something like "Mmmm, I love how much your bum fills up my hands." Just to remind her that even if she isn't crazy about some of those features, I still do enjoy them.

I hope you get some good feedback from your fellow FFA!
 

Lil BigginZ

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As a guy with low self esteem and who has a view point of not being attractive and that nobody can find me attractive. I struggle with something kind of like this. Don't get me wrong I like the compliments I just have a hard time really believing them. I'm working on changing it actually and have gotten a lot better this past couple years with it. I say keep throwing out those compliments and reassuring him you like his belly and his size. Eventually he'll break his hate for it and should come around.

Oh and he doesn't like moobs?
 

gythaogg

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Alas, no, he doesn't like moobs one bit - they're probably the thing he's most self-conscious about, and I can't blame him, since there's absolutely no mainstream awareness out there that they can be considered attractive by some straight women. I think a lot of guys see them as being emasculating.

Thanks so much for your responses so far!
 

agouderia

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Welcome to the BHN/FFA board and thank you for a great new thread idea!

I'd like to add two things to what the posters above have said so far:

First of all, responsiveness to compliments is a personality as well as an experience issue.
People who've always received many compliments - either because they're objectively beautiful or lived in a particularly positive environment - mostly are more responsive to them and can handle them easier.
Since fat people - this applies to BBWs as well as BHMs - in their vast majority grow up and live with much criticism of their weight and looks, they in response develop a negative self-perception along with distrust and reserve as protective mechanisms, as BigginZ already pointed out. So it's emotionally much more difficult to accept and appreciate compliments, even if they rationally know you sincerely mean them.

Now - being a language freak - some ideas on wording:
You're right to observe that there by now is more of generally accepted positive terminology of the fuller female figure.

From my experience, what works as the BHM equivalent is verbally equating size with strength and power, that is the underlying positive male concept.

Like running your hands over the moobs from the outside to the center of his chest saying: "Mmmh... as broad and impressive as the Osbourne bull..." (or which ever other positive bull of buffalo you can think of...)

What mostly is also rather well received - commonplace as it may be - is the bear or teddy bear analogy. Those animals just have a too positive image for anyone to get seriously upset about the comparison.

Or focussing on the shape per se and its virtues:
Like outlining the belly with your hand saying "Now this is the perfect curve" or observing that "after all, round - and not angular - is nature's true form".

Art history can also be a welcome source for inspiration and analogies - especially ancient vases, classic and baroque sculpture and naturally 16th-18th century paintings (or Botero). "Your ass is just as strong and sexy as Hercules' on that amphora" is if not positive, at least funny and unusual so not upsetting.

Bottom line is finding comparisons, analogies and images that have a positive connotation - and are highly unlikely to evoke negative flash-backs because they've already been used in a critical or insulting context.

Good luck with your further attempts!
 

CastingPearls

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I've always been attracted to BHMs more than thin/average size men but in my own experience, never actually met one in person that liked BBWs (or was available) so I mostly dated average sized men. Luckily, they all had pot bellies which I ADORED.

Yeah, they were sensitive about it....and they were average size guys and except for my ex husband who was obsessed with making me fatter and himself thinner, they didn't really care about their own body size/shape so it really was a non-issue. I wasn't attracted to body/power builders either so no possible obsessions or fixations in that regard either.

Yet, they didn't like it when I would gently put my arms around them from behind and hold their belly or lay my head on their belly or rub it or kiss it and hug it out of appreciation and admiration and love and even lust and it did make me really sad. The only time I ever voiced anything was when my ex who wasn't even considered overweight by BMI standards, announced he wanted to lose his belly. It made me really sad and I said, I respect your decision but Honey, I really do love that belly so much. I'm going to miss it. Are you sure? He was adamant and it was his body so I had no choice.
 

SitiTomato

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My last ex was a bigger woman and I had the same issues with giving compliments. It's quite hard to enjoy their body when whenever you compliment their buxomness they start in on how they wish they could afford breast reduction surgery. It's not hard to understand why, you're bringing full attention to something they've been self-conscious about their entire life.

It can really put a downer on a bout of foreplay though when the sexy talk is being rebuffed, insisting that you're wrong their body.

Don't get me wrong I was SO guilty of exactly the same thing (yeah sure I'm 'big' whatever you say :rolleyes: ). To this day though I don't know if she was an FA because she'd use safe compliments like "I like your broad shoulders" or "I love your muscular arms".

If this was me, I'd say don't tip-toe around it, you deserve to be able to voice what you enjoy about your partner. Grab his boobs, look him right in the eye and say "I love how fat you are" then throw him onto the bed, put on some sunglasses and say "Deal with it."

But it's not me and he might not think that's funny. :p
 

Hozay J Garseeya

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hozaygarseeya,
being on the receiving end of compliments that I used to not completely believe, I've learned that when the other person means it and they repeat it, eventually the point gets through. If you think the sun shines out of his ass no matter what, it'll get through to him eventually. Don't stop, it's nice to hear.
 

MaryElizabethAntoinette

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xFloggingMaryx,
Yay for a new person and double yay for an awesome and thought provoking question!


Just, unfortunately, I can't really give any good advice.

My BHM happens to enjoy his size, so this issue has never come up for me.

Not only does he enjoy being big, but he knows how much I enjoy it... so honestly, I can call him a "fat fuck" and he knows that it translates to, "You sexy beast, you."

But, both Chris and I are a little bit off, to any advice I give needs that fact taken into account. Haha.


Either way, Welcome to Dimensions! And big brownie points for actually starting a relevant and thought provoking thread!!
 
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Fat Brian

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I just say it, I used to try to be good and stick to safe areas but it was eventually unfulfilling. Now I say what I've got to say, she thinks I'm crazy but at least I get it off my chest and maybe one day it will make an impression.
 

LeoGibson

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I accept it in the spirit that it is offered, but then again I don't really have too many self-esteem issues because I happen to think I'm fookin' awesome and obviously any gal that sees that just has great taste in men.:p

Seriously though, when I was younger I was more self-conscious and I would not usually believe it when someone complimented me, but somewhere along the way I quit being so down on myself and became more comfortable in my own skin and thusly more confident overall in my dealings with other people.
 

SlightlyMorbid

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I really have to second what Mary said.

My boyfriend at first found it hard to believe a chick could dig the 'fluff' but I can call him a fat fuck (like Mary) and he knows it means, 'oh le murr baby. <3'

Best advice I can give is to just compliment on things you like about him outside his physical appearance that you like (his face, his eyes, the way he smells) or something he's done, etc.

And going shopping with him for a sort overhaul on the wardrobe can be fun and give him confidence.
 

Anjula

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Welcome to DIMS!
I don't think I'm the best example but what I do with a guy I'm dating is being totally honest. He might think that I'm a freak (well, I am lol) but I think it's simple. If I wanna date a guy who weights 445lbs I have to like it, right? So from the very first date I'm honest. And then it's just keep getting better and better.

I love guys with bigger boobs than mine
 

Surlysomething

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I accept it in the spirit that it is offered, but then again I don't really have too many self-esteem issues because I happen to think I'm fookin' awesome and obviously any gal that sees that just has great taste in men.:p

Seriously though, when I was younger I was more self-conscious and I would not usually believe it when someone complimented me, but somewhere along the way I quit being so down on myself and became more comfortable in my own skin and thusly more confident overall in my dealings with other people.
But you ARE fookin' awesome. Haha.


The only advice I can give is to be as loving and patient as you can. Self esteem issues are a complicated beast.
 

LeoGibson

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But you ARE fookin' awesome. Haha.


The only advice I can give is to be as loving and patient as you can. Self esteem issues are a complicated beast.
Not only are you fookin' awesome as well, you obviously have impeccable taste.:D

And the advice is pretty spot on too. Not much you can do but be patient and wait until they come around.
 

biglynch

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I used to handle compliments real badly. I would turn it into compliment tennis, if i was complimented i would instantly have to hit back with a compliment. This was pointed out to me years ago. So now i take more time to accept a compliment... i still go red tho.
 

SanDiega

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I definitely void fat related compliments in my relationship. My guy is well aware that I love how he looks, but I feel like pointing it out all the time would make him feel objectified. He is already self conscious and I don't want to make things worse. I just tell him he is handsome, adorable, sexy, etc, all of which are true.
 

Sasquatch!

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How is your man with accepting compliments in general ?

A lot of people have difficulty accepting them at all. He might need to learn to do that first.

And welcome to Dims, it's nice to have you.
 

Hozay J Garseeya

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hozaygarseeya,
I definitely void fat related compliments in my relationship. My guy is well aware that I love how he looks, but I feel like pointing it out all the time would make him feel objectified. He is already self conscious and I don't want to make things worse. I just tell him he is handsome, adorable, sexy, etc, all of which are true.
I was about to say how this was perfect and how it should be, but then I realized that on nearly a daily basis I tell my lady-companion that I love her ass and her legs; I tell her she's amazing and talented and smart and beautiful and that I want to show her off to the world, but her ass and legs always get thrown in there.

I'm such a douche objectifier :(
 

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