How Do You Tell Someone?

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LilLostFox

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So im new here, and i don't know anyone but i figured i ask everyone here, how do you explain to your girlfriend that you like bigger girls and ex cetera? I usually just hide it because shes all ready cute and a lil chubby, but lately shes been getting really hardcore into exercising and wants to get down to a size 4. So i have to tell her soon because i love her to death and its shallow to say this but pencil thin girls don't exactly do it for me. I know this sounds stupid but im really lost when it comes to this.
 

matt82

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i guess just tell her. to be honest though if she doesn't want to be chubby she'll just say whatever and keep dieting and going to the gym. sounds like you are in the same boat as me
 

TheSadeianLinguist

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Sometimes relationships end because bodies change too much to warrant remaining together. The slim young lady some guy married in college might gain weight with her new busy career as a lawyer where she chooses to spend what little free time she has watching movies and volunteering at the animal shelter instead of going to the gym.

It's no different here. You either have to accept where she's going or leave. It doesn't say anything about you or her.
 

Forgotten_Futures

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If you tell her, she might freak out, or ignore you, or maybe take your concerns into consideration and not try to lose weight.

On the other hand, if you say nothing and she does lose weight and you lose some degree of interest in her as a result, there will be no end to the bitching.

I say gamble and tell her. But don't be so blunt about it. Just make it clear you think she's fine the way she is, and only trot out the heavy artillery if she's adamant and her reasons aren't health related.
 

olwen

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first of all, "bigger girls," "a little chubby..." if she's like a size 8 or a size 10, then I hardly see how it matters if she becomes a size 4 or not.

second, quit whining, be a man and own up to what you like and/or need. I don't know how much sympathy you're going to get here for "hiding." Just talk to her.

third, if you love her then accept her as she is. If her size is that much of an issue for you and you can't deal with her choices then dump her and find a woman whose choices you can deal with.

forth, and I'm reading between the lines here, if she wasn't big enough for you when you started dating then well that's on you isn't it.

fifth, you don't say whether or not she has low self esteem, which is important, cause if she doesn't then maybe she just wants to be in better shape and it's about getting fit and nothing more. If she does then talking isn't enough, you have to show her that she's sexy, and to do that you have to focus less on her size and focus more on romance.

sixth, others will have other opinions I'm sure.
 

pudgy

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It was a big step for me to tell my now-fiance that I like bigger girls. Especially considering the fact that my girl ain't big!

However it was also very liberating. She accepted the fact that I thought beauty can be found in any woman, regardless of size. And that gave me the balls to tell my best guy friends and eventually my whole college.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. First of all, what is most important to you? Her size? Or your love for her? Because if it's the former, then you have other problems than her exercising. But if you truly love her for who she is and not how much she weighs, then it's most definitely time to tell her your "deepest, darkest secret."

That's the context I put it in, when I told my girl. It wasn't in the context of, "I like big girls, so gain some weight." It was, "Here is something I have never told anyone else. I'm telling you because I trust you and I love you. No, you don't have to change a thing to earn my love. No you don't have to stop exercising or start gaining to get me to love you more. I'm just letting you know that you're beautiful how are you and would still be beautiful with 100 more pounds."

But like I said, if you can't honestly say that, then you've got some things to think through. If you have questions, feel free to PM me.

Pudgy/Tony
 

Tad

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I'd say go with something along the lines of:

"I understand you may want to lose weight for yourself, but please realize that I like your body the way it is--if anything I'd probably prefer more curve than less. I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your body, I just thought it was important to be clear that not every guy prefers women the size that they usually show on TV."

She may go and lose weight anyway, or not. She may ask you more about why you like her body the way it is, or not. She may want to know how much fatter you'd like her, or not. So be ready for all of those, because those are all her decisions, and you have to let her make them.

Best of luck!
 

matt82

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I'd say go with something along the lines of:

"I understand you may want to lose weight for yourself, but please realize that I like your body the way it is--if anything I'd probably prefer more curve than less. I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your body, I just thought it was important to be clear that not every guy prefers women the size that they usually show on TV."

She may go and lose weight anyway, or not. She may ask you more about why you like her body the way it is, or not. She may want to know how much fatter you'd like her, or not. So be ready for all of those, because those are all her decisions, and you have to let her make them.

Best of luck!


or she may call you a weirdo like my g/f did
 

Tad

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or she may call you a weirdo like my g/f did

True dat! And if she doesn't, she may still think it....but hopefully decides that you are a benign weirdo, and she should appreciate it. *shrug* from out here across the internet, we can't really can't do more than guess.

But I will say that a lot of people who are pudgy would assume that anyone who is attracted to them will be attracted despite their pudge, and would not even consider that someone might actually like their body exactly as it is. So even if the response isn't great, clarifying that is, I think, a good thing.
 

LilLostFox

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well its kinda hard to me i guess because it seems so shallow to be disappointed in her because of it even though its what she wants and what i dont
 
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well its kinda hard to me i guess because it seems so shallow to be disappointed in her because of it even though its what she wants and what i dont

Its not shallow...well, it is ...but its not uniquely shallow. There is a thin line between overlooking another's faults and denying your attractions and I have no idea were it is. Its probably something you'll have to figure out on your own.

As Frued said "Human sexuality is the nature perserve of civilized man". You can't bend it your will or make it behave in a more acceptable manor. All you can do is control how it affects you.

Talk to your GF and tell her what you like. She might laugh in your face or be disgusted or totally cool with it. Then she'll decide what's right for her and you'll do the same. It may end your relationship but if your not attracted to her anymore how much longer could it have lasted anyways.

No matter what, its not shallow to have certain attractions... and if it is shallow I'll take shallow and happy over dishonest and miserable anyday.
 

Tad

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well its kinda hard to me i guess because it seems so shallow to be disappointed in her because of it even though its what she wants and what i dont

Its not shallow...well, it is ...but its not uniquely shallow. There is a thin line between overlooking another's faults and denying your attractions and I have no idea were it is. Its probably something you'll have to figure out on your own.

I'll add this: admitting that you have preferences is not shallow, it is honest. Telling her what your preferences are is not shallow, it is wise communication.

I don't think there is any reason to apologize, feel guilty about, or avoid those two.

Going on to tell her "I'm only with you if you are a certain way," or telling her what she should do, or various other things along those lines, those are more treading into grey areas of various shades. You are right to be wary of doing those....not saying that you shouldn't tell her that weight is a deal breaker, if in fact it is, more that you should try not to make it a deal breaker.

But I'd start with letting her know at least the direction of your preferences. And keep in mind: your preferences will not fundamentally change. If you look around Dimensions you'll find plenty of cases of guys who have spent a decade or two with a thin woman, and still wish she'd be fat. So right now you have a short term issue, but think a bit about the long term too.

Best of luck--it is not at all an easy thing to deal with.
 

Raqui

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Be outright tell her that you need some chub with your love. You picked her for every curvy sexy inch. Then stuff a doughnut in her mouth and make passionate love to her.


Now if this make pretend fantasy doesnt work. Just talk about it and tell her you want a thick mama not a stick. If her self confindence is in jeapordy here because she is thick then let her do her and decide if what you got is LOVE or LIKE. IF you LOVE HER you wont care if she loses weight because you in it forever. IF you LIKE her then you can part ways.

She might be working out to be sexy for you. So talk about it.
 

love dubh

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first of all, "bigger girls," "a little chubby..." if she's like a size 8 or a size 10, then I hardly see how it matters if she becomes a size 4 or not.

All your other points are A+, but this perspective is one I have issue with and I see this attitude on Dimensions often.

There is a difference between a size 4 and a size 8 or 10 - thirty to forty pounds of difference, which has a noticeable effect on the female body. The same may not be true for 2, 3, 4-hundred pound women, as many posters here have indicated losing twenty or so pounds without even knowing. This weight gain may not even make a gal register on the meters of FAs who enjoy BBW and SSBBW. However, making it sound like such a substantial weight gain is insignificant or unimportant is really condescending. Saying "You're so small, what's it to you if you gain 30lbs?" is just as insulting as "You're so fat, what's it to you if you gain 30lbs?" It demeans the weight experience of non-BBW and SSBBW, many of whom are on these boards.

Whether it's some good ol' reverse stigmatization, or a genuine inability to see the difference, the attitude is there and it's belittling and dismissive.
 

olwen

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All your other points are A+, but this perspective is one I have issue with and I see this attitude on Dimensions often.

There is a difference between a size 4 and a size 8 or 10 - thirty to forty pounds of difference, which has a noticeable effect on the female body. The same may not be true for 2, 3, 4-hundred pound women, as many posters here have indicated losing twenty or so pounds without even knowing. This weight gain may not even make a gal register on the meters of FAs who enjoy BBW and SSBBW. However, making it sound like such a substantial weight gain is insignificant or unimportant is really condescending. It demeans the weight experience of non-BBW and SSBBW, many of whom are on these boards.

Whether it's some good ol' reverse stigmatization, or a genuine inability to see the difference, the attitude is there and it's belittling and dismissive.

This is no small issue (pun intended) for me, and it's not meant to be a put down. I have never been that size, I have no experience of living in a body that size, so to me it's all the same - hundreds of pounds thinner than me. I'm not saying that to be condescending, I genuinely don't understand the difference. I don't understand he difference between a size 4 and a size 10...sexually, physically, mentally...i've never had to shop for those sizes, and I don't go into stores that sell those sizes - ever (and I'm not kidding about that)....and I'm discovering that what I've always thought of as this all encompassing idea of "skinny" is what other people tell me is actually fat. For someone like my sister who wears a size 00 (that's what her clothes say) to tell me that some girl who wears a size 10 is fat, when to me they look like they should wear the same size is truly confusing. ...suddenly size "small" is the new fat? Size 6 is the new 10? 00 is the new 2? I don't understand the clothing sizes. Clothes in my size have always been the same 22, 24, 26, 28, 30, 32 - I know exactly what that means.

This is no trivial matter for me, believe me. Read my blog to understand what I mean. I have been struggling with this issue for a while now. I can't understand how a guy would like a size 4 but not a size 10 if they are both have curves and are both hundreds of pounds smaller than me and should be what is considered "a normal size". If it's all "normal" and acceptable then there shouldn't be a difference. Especially when those same guys who prefer those sizes make it very clear to me that my size is not desirable. In my head that translates to "other." I've always been "other" and so for years I kept to my other world, and in that world 30-40 lbs doesn't make a huge difference visibly - it's still fat and that's what I understand. I'm not even sure how many pounds of difference there is between a 4 and a 10. I've never paid attention to it.

In other words, I don't read fashion mags, or keep up with styles or concern myself with any of that because I've never seen my reflection in it as a black person or a fat person.

So you sit there now and tell me I'm supposed to understand a world I've never been allowed to participate in or be privy to?

My attitude is not one of condescension it's one of bewilderment.
 

love dubh

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Thank you for explaining the thought process behind it to me. I genuinely believed it was some passive-aggressive, reverse stigma going on, or like you've explained, ignorance based on irrelevance to one's personal situation (which goes beyond knowing size differences).

I have the inverse? reaction of yours. I don't understand how an individual can want exclusively SSBBW or BBW - it all seems the same to me - I don't know the difference between 250 to 300 to 350. It's not in my experience, not in my cohort, and not in the things I read or the shops I frequent. It's all just large, much larger than me. The individuals I see and think are fat are not the same you would consider, just as the 6'2'' and 5'5'' would have different perspectives on a 5'3'' individual.

But no, seriously, thanks for the expose. It wasn't my intention to rile you up - but I guess I'm glad I did, since I got an answer to my question.

This is no small issue (pun intended) for me, and it's not meant to be a put down. I have never been that size, I have no experience of living in a body that size, so to me it's all the same - hundreds of pounds thinner than me. I'm not saying that to be condescending, I genuinely don't understand the difference. I don't understand he difference between a size 4 and a size 10...sexually, physically, mentally...i've never had to shop for those sizes, and I don't go into stores that sell those sizes - ever (and I'm not kidding about that)....and I'm discovering that what I've always thought of as this all encompassing idea of "skinny" is what other people tell me is actually fat. For someone like my sister who wears a size 00 (that's what her clothes say) to tell me that some girl who wears a size 10 is fat, when to me they look like they should wear the same size is truly confusing. ...suddenly size "small" is the new fat? Size 6 is the new 10? 00 is the new 2? I don't understand the clothing sizes. Clothes in my size have always been the same 22, 24, 26, 28, 30, 32 - I know exactly what that means.

This is no trivial matter for me, believe me. Read my blog to understand what I mean. I have been struggling with this issue for a while now. I can't understand how a guy would like a size 4 but not a size 10 if they are both have curves and are both hundreds of pounds smaller than me and should be what is considered "a normal size". If it's all "normal" and acceptable then there shouldn't be a difference. Especially when those same guys who prefer those sizes make it very clear to me that my size is not desirable. In my head that translates to "other." I've always been "other" and so for years I kept to my other world, and in that world 30-40 lbs doesn't make a huge difference visibly - it's still fat and that's what I understand. I'm not even sure how many pounds of difference there is between a 4 and a 10. I've never paid attention to it.

In other words, I don't read fashion mags, or keep up with styles or concern myself with any of that because I've never seen my reflection in it as a black person or a fat person.

So you sit there now and tell me I'm supposed to understand a world I've never been allowed to participate in or be privy to?

My attitude is not one of condescension it's one of bewilderment.
 

olwen

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Yes, riled up is an understatement, but it was good to get the response I did from you because it helps to expand my world view, which is what I seem to be about these days.

Okay, we're good.
 

MisterGuy

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I'm in a bit of the same boat, a little. I've started dating a girl recently that I like a lot, and I'm pretty sure that for the first time in my life, I'm going to share with a partner the fact that I'm turned on by weight gain. She's a bigger girl, like ~200, but she's also pretty athletic, and I have no idea what she'll think of it.

The most relevant bit of this that pertains to your post, though, is that I feel whether she's into it or not, it's important I put my cards on the table just for honesty's sake. I have always held onto this little bit of my personal sexual cosmology w/ previous GFs, either b/c I thought they couldn't handle it, or b/c maybe I didn't feel enough for them. But I really, really, really like this girl and I think she needs to know about my strange (as the world sees them) desires, whether we act on them or not.
 

fatgirl33

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Keep in mind, it's very hard for some people, particularly those who see thin as the only ideal body image, to understand or even believe that you might find fat attractive. If you read through the forums you'll find lots of stories about people who just couldn't accept that their partners liked them big even after they told them so! Usually it's a matter of, "They're just saying that to make me feel better," or something.

I know we all want to not be shallow, but physical & sexual attraction are big parts in any relationship, so it's got to be important.

Brenda
 

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