How to tell my girlfriend about me being a FA?

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disconnectedsmile

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Ok, so what I understand you to be saying is that it can just be a sexual kink, in the bedroom, like anything else. Like...maybe he'd like his partner to do a little fat talk or have sex after eating dessert, and that would be enough. Just like she might want to tie him up and for him to talk about how little and weak he is and how much bigger and stronger she is (or something else in which he pretends to be a different physical shape than he is), or something like that. Is that what you're getting at?
more or less. or, you know, whatever works for them. the kink doesn't have to be 100% about actual feeding, basically.

And I'm not sure why you're anticipating me arguing with you; we're just having a discussion.
your first post came off as a little argumentative, but with this post, i now get where you're coming from.

good talk. in the words of Homer Simpson, "let us celebrate our arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk."
 

vardon_grip

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that's crap.
there should be no reason why any couple should be dishonest in a relationship.
hiding any truth is a form of dishonesty.

OP, if being an FA is such a major part of you (and seeing as you're on Dimensions forum, i'm sure it is), you should tell your girlfriend about it.
keeping it a secret is doing a disservice to her, and to yourself.

be honest with her. if she doesn't like the fact that you are an FA is a major part of who you are, that's her problem.
and if she does like it? well, that'd be pretty cool, right?
Hiding any truth is a form of dishonesty is way too hardline. One personal LMFT and several online therapists say that telling your partner everything isn't necessary. There are things that can be left unsaid and being tactful goes a long way in a relationship. Does your partner NEED to know that you think the cake they made for your birthday was dry and the frosting was bland? Do you REALLY want to hear that your sexual equipment isn't as large/small/tight/smooth/whatever as your partner would like would or as large/small/tight/smooth/whatever as their last partner? Do you ABSOLUTELY have to tell your partner that you think their handwriting looks like it was done by a 5 year old using their opposite hand?

Also, saying if the GF doesn't like the fact that the OP is an FA it is HER problem is not fair. If one person in a relationship has a problem with what the other is doing, they both have a problem.
 

Bafta1

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Why is there such a desire to change our partners? I'm assuming that's what's going on here with these dilemmas; we're not bringing the info up to do NOTHING with it. We're bringing it up to attempt to make a change of some kind, usually the physical kind.

What is the point of me telling my non-black bf: You know, I usually go for black guys. In fact, I really prefer black guys. I like you, but I feel that having a good relationship and feeling sexually attracted to a black guy is an important part of my personality. So what are you gonna do about it?

How does that do ANYTHING but put distance between me and my partner? It's not constructive. And, clearly, if it were THAT important to me, I wouldn't be dating someone non-black. I'm sorry to say, but this almost sounds like a way of picking a partner with the eventual intent of having an upper hand: I like you, and I could like you more, but not unless you do this, this and this (all things the partner wasn't doing before getting together with you).

Smile, you wrote: be honest with her. if she doesn't like the fact that you are an FA is a major part of who you are, that's her problem.

It's NOT her problem intrinsically or initially but it will quickly BECOME her problem when it's unloaded on her. Why is it her responsibility to be something other than what, and who, she is? Does my boyfriend need to somehow become black to gain or deserve my love and sexual attraction or deep compatibility?

This is what I believe: either date the person you want from the get-go, or gently break up with the person you don't want without going into too many hurtful details. But to pick something in between--to introduce something completely new to a relationship and then place the onus on making it happen on your partner--is not constructive to me.

I'm not about to tell my boyfriend that I'm a lesbian, and so for this relationship to work, he needs to remove his penis and start going by the name MaryAnne. Being asked to change your body, or your belief system, and be something you're not most likely means that the relationship should never have started or should be terminated. It doesn't mean it's the other person's 'problem' that you're not getting your way.
I agree with everything you've said here. But why is it different from disclosing that you like short hair instead of long hair? Or brown eyes instead of blue? By proposing burying this secret even more, are you not guilty of shaming this preference even further?

By putting it on the table for our partners to see, might we not just chance the reward of acceptance?
 

liz (di-va)

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OP is 19...hard to know how hard-wired a preference/kink/inclination we're talking about (maybe).

I will say this: if you are with someone for a long time, chances are good (not 100%--and that's a whole thing there, but still--good) she's gonna know this about you anyhow.
 

Dr. P Marshall

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I agree with everything you've said here. But why is it different from disclosing that you like short hair instead of long hair? Or brown eyes instead of blue? By proposing burying this secret even more, are you not guilty of shaming this preference even further?

By putting it on the table for our partners to see, might we not just chance the reward of acceptance?
I actually think these are two very separate issues. I think those of us who are wg fetishists really need to be honest with ourselves that the "reward of acceptance" is pretty much never going to happen unless you have found a partner who is already interested in gaining. This is not aimed at you, Bafta, but I think to constantly hope otherwise, that if we tell our partners, someday the person we're with will suddenly want to gain weight, is naive and even borderline delusional. If a man or woman wants to gain weight, chances are, they are already doing so. And as for how it affects relationships, etc, I agree with Jes' post that you quoted 10000%

The second issue is trickier, in my opinion, having your partner accept you. I do think that, even in a relationship where no one is going to gain at all, if it's a serious, long term relationship, a person may want to share that part of themselves with their partner. But it's a really delicate balance to reveal something versus pressuring a partner (overtly or covertly). There's also a big difference in asking for acceptance of you who has this fetish, versus asking for acceptance of the fetish or indulging in the fetish. I think wanting a partner to accept you completely is perfectly valid and important, but that's not the same thing as expecting them to indulge your fetish. (this is all the general you, by the way, not you personally Bafta.)
 

Jes

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I agree with everything you've said here.
If you're asking this question, then I don't think you agree with everything I've said, here.

I have blue eyes. If I were dating a man who told me he preferred brown eyes and then just looked at me, hopefully, like I could, or would, do something about it, I'd be hurt and offended. The statement would also put distance between us and frankly, I'd be wondering if he said it exactly for that reason--so that a break up wasn't squarely on his shoulders but somehow on mine, for not being what he wanted.

If brown eyes are that important to you that you'd want anyone with non-brown eyes to somehow change, then get out of the relationship w/o saying it, or don't get into it in the first place.

If every man who posed a question like this were told by a partner: you know, I've been meaning to tell you something for awhile now and I think it'll bring us closer if I'm honest: I prefer men with a larger penis... [cue meaningful: what are you gonna do about it? look], then I think maybe they'd see how potentially shitty these kind of comments are. While the cases aren't exactly similar, you're asking someone to change his/her body when you ask for weight gain.
 

Jes

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By proposing burying this secret even more, are you not guilty of shaming this preference even further?
Oh good lord, I only now read your entire message.

No, no I'm not guilty of shaming someone's preference.

I may be guilty of shaming the way someone brings up his disappointment in his partner's current body though!
 

EvilPrincess

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OP is no longer participating - This is the FA/FFA forum. I am pretty sure all of the participants in this thread are not FA/FFA- - two options for this are close the thread, move the thread.

Anyone have an interest in continuing this discussion on the main board?
 
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