How were you in "the closet?"

Discussion in 'BBW/FA Board' started by Judge_Dre, Apr 9, 2009.

  1. Apr 21, 2009 #21

    roddles

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    Well I guess when I was younger I would make fun of fat girls to fit in. I wouldn't however say it was a matter of being in the closet because I didn't no there was such thing as an FA as someone else already said. And when your younger being independent is not easy until you hit a more mature age.

    I am however under the impression that people who constantly bag out fat people are secretly FAs or are at least very intrigued by it
     
  2. Apr 21, 2009 #22

    kioewen

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    I find this astonishing. Is this at all common? How dismal if it is.

    For my part, I always had an impulse to vocally defend full-figured girls I liked if they were being made fun of. This was true whether it was in their presence, or if they were not around. (Most of the time the making fun happened behind their backs.)

    It wasn't a desire to be some kind of white knight, as I soon learned that it wasn't much appreciated, and sometimes ended up doing more harm than good. But the impulse was always to defend.

    I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that anyone could actually make fun of what they secretly like. I know I've heard of this before, but I always thought it was a myth. It's hard to comprehend.
     
  3. Apr 21, 2009 #23

    LillyBBBW

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    It is actually quite common, at least in my experience. Some of the worst young homophobes I encountered are now living out of the closet. As far as FAs go I had a terribly bully who harassed me daily on the school bus. I wanted my brothers to come up to the bus and gang beat him to a pulp but they wouldn't take the bait. Instead they assured me that the guy probably had the hotsies for me. They affirmed that no guy puts that much effort and focus on a person on a daily basis without something going on. I didn't believe it but their prophetic words turned out to be true, he is an FA. Everybody doesn't respond like that of course but it's common enough to have become a cliche now even beyond size issues. A guy teasing one girl in particular on a regular basis will be accused of liking her by an astute observationist eventually.
     
  4. Apr 22, 2009 #24

    Scorsese86

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    I have never been in any closet. No, not really. I remember, when I discovered girls, the only one that got me turned on, where the bigger one. I thought that was a bit weird to begin with, but, so what? So when I was around 16 or so, whenever someone asked me what kind of girls I liked the answer was "chubby and cute". Btw, everyone who knows me knows I like bigger girls. It just like one guy I know, everyone knows he prefers redheads. Or another one, he prefers tall girls. Everyone has their own preference.
     
  5. Apr 23, 2009 #25

    ZosofanCMR

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    Oh boy was I in the closet, my FA-ness was like my biggest secret, I felt almost shameful about it. Mostly due to my brother who is very anti-big girl. Anyway, now that I'm older, it doesn't affect me as it once did, the need to fit in and conform has faded and so had my shame about my preferences....so yeah, there ya go
     
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  6. May 5, 2009 #26

    swamptoad

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    I was never really in "the closet" as far as the dating scene goes. Always been with plump, heavier set women. Though I have had a really cool friend that I had a crush on .. and she was not heavy set at all. We spent a lot of time together. And I had some physical attraction to her. Alas, we stayed just friends and just hung out a lot in my teenage years. :)
     
  7. May 10, 2009 #27

    bmann0413

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    I didn't even know I was in the closet until I came into the FA community. It was then I realized that I was in it and I needed to get out. Well, let me rephrase that. I was out of it already. I just needed a push to join the rest of the folks. Jonny B helped me with that. lol
     
  8. Aug 14, 2019 #28

    Broseph

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    I was certainly in the closet as a teenager and into my twenties. There were moments where my FAness shined through, though. A few years before I came out, I came out to a friend. He was complaining to me that his girlfriend had gained weight, that this bothered him deeply. After his little ran he paused, expecting me to agree or validate I think. I told him, "Well, I'm into bigger girls, so I wouldn't tell her to lose weight. But I get it if that bothers you. Everybody has their thing." That took the wind out of his sails, as they say. He hasn't complained to me about his girl's weight since then. Maybe he knows he doesn't have a sympathetic audience--indeed, I've complained to him about how much I'd love it if my girlfriend gained, say, 150 lbs.

    I guess I'm out of the closet now. Joining DIMS and posting here has been a part of that coming out. But I'm not going around telling everyone about it. If and when it comes up, I don't back down. A part of me is really excited to share this with others. My girlfriend (unfortunately not BBW) knows about it and was a bit shocked. She thinks its cool though. But I suspect she thinks it's like coffee or books or something--just a thing I like. It's hard to communicate that it really has shared me in profound ways.
     
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  9. Sep 28, 2019 #29

    alk27alk27

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    (Sorry, didn’t mean to ramble and soap box)

    Unfortunately I am still in the closet when it comes to my FA. It’s not that I’m afraid of being judged by my family and friends but rather my family has always been rather health conscious. We’re not gym rats that only eat kale, but rather my family on both sides have had a history of mental health problems that specifically arise’d form diet and environmental factors.

    I think they would fully accept me after the initial shock but they would always consciously or unconsciously suggest or poke me to be healthier and lose weight. This is part of the reason I’ve never actually “brought home” a chubby girl I liked. To my family all I have ever shown attraction to have been skinny or fit women (which I find incredibly sexy in their own right, but my heart I think belongs to the chubby side.)

    Honestly if I’m going to remove this bandaid (and lets face it, it is.) I would rather pull it off slowly to ease them into the idea. If I came home tomorrow with a 250 ib beauty they would be in shock.

    Does anyone have any advice? And I’m sorry for my soap boxing rant.
     
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  10. Sep 28, 2019 #30

    Colonial Warrior

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    1,000,000℅ Agree with you!
     
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  11. Oct 7, 2019 #31

    Broseph

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    I can really relate to your experience. My old man is an ex-Marine, marathon runner, etc. And my mom has always been into this or that diet. They are both great people, but they’re both fat phobic as hell. I hid what I like from them for a long time—or thought I did. Even though I was in the closet (never dated fat girls in hs or anything out of fear of being judged) I think they knew. I’ve since told my mom and would tell my dad if I thought it were appropriate. My current partner is chubby and they don’t even seem to notice. So your family might already know what you’re into.

    Although there are many differences between being an FA and being gay, let’s face it—there are a lot of similarities in terms of coming out about this. I’ve read a few coming out resources and found them useful and encouraging.

    The last thing I’ll add is this—and it may be particular to my case: when I began to see that my folks are phobic because of their own histories with weight, or fear of gaining, I began to take their reactions less seriously. They don’t leave me unaffected, but they aren’t the end all be all either. I’ve hidden for long enough now. My psychological well-being depends on me being me.
     
  12. Oct 7, 2019 #32

    Broseph

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  13. Oct 7, 2019 #33

    DWilliams1

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    I can't say I was ever "in the closet" as far as my love for bigger, or even truly fat women goes. Over the years, I always dated women of different shapes and sizes.

    For me...it's all about finding someone genuine, who has a good heart, and who will love me for who I am...as much as I would love and cherish everything about her.

    Of course, if she's bigger...that's always been a BIG plus in my book! :)

    I have, however, had insecurities about being big myself (and about secretly loving and being happy with my own size). I was always on the chubby side even as a kid...and was beaten down for it, very rudely, by even closest members of my family.

    Took me years to get to this point, where I am comfortable in my own skin...and won't lose that again for anything.
     
  14. Oct 7, 2019 #34

    TwoSwords

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    For me, being "in the closet" meant being too shy and sheepish to approach or sit next to girls I liked. This was back in High School for me, and I wasn't sure whether it was appropriate to sit next to a girl who reached from her chair to the adjacent chairs. Also, I had a lot of very judgmental, almost-hostile social experiences to overcome, and couldn't really say how I felt until I was ready to defend it, and defend it firmly. I've never been strongly supported by the people in my life; even when I said normal things, or pursued goals they wanted me to pursue, so I had to be strongly secure in my individuality before I could justify expressing it to others. However, making the effort was worthwhile; at least for my own sake.
     
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  15. Oct 7, 2019 #35

    LifelongFA

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    For me, in high school back in the 80s, I was still trying to figure out what I liked. What I mean by this is that even though I knew I was attracted to "fuller figured girls", I didn't know a lot of truly fat girls (ie: anything close to a SSBBW) growing up. Despite living in a major city and attending a large high school, there just weren't that many, at that time. What I did know, was that I was very attracted to family friends I knew who were SSBBWs despite that these were all adults. As I went to college, I continued my journey and began to meet and date more BBW - not just curvy girls, but real BBW (still not a lot of SSBBW - not sure where they were hiding back then!) However, within a couple years, through Dimensions Magazine and the social clubs/events of that time (still pre-internet), I was able to go full on FA and have never looked back!
     
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  16. Oct 8, 2019 #36

    extra_m13

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    in the closet is a very strong term. in my case i think the first lady who made comments about my girlfriends was my mom. and she was always pointing out that they were a bit on the chubby side but pretty. with time and seeing different girls but similar shapes and sizes she was able to deduct that i just prefer chubby ladies with curves, big hips and such, and since that day there is no need to tell otherwise, fact speak louder than words
     
  17. Oct 8, 2019 #37

    JDavis

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    I think I was in the closet to myself that I liked bigger men for a long long time. I would date a skinny guy then a stocky guy, back and forth, and always be more attracted to the bigger men on the physical level. I think I was more focused on faces and personality to see a trend until I got separated late in life. At that point I did some deep analysis so I could make sure my relationship lasted this time. Also, according to OK cupid, large men are preferred by women on the balance, so there really is no societal closet to come out of like with being attracted to fat women. I think it is because men prefer women smaller than themselves generally and because muscles are seen as masculine, and most fat women have large muscles (and a proportional amount of fat which is mostly what you see).
     
  18. Oct 9, 2019 #38

    Shotha

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    I'm surprised that I haven't said anything about this already. Perhaps I have done.

    The phrase "in the closet" was first used on the gay scene to describe individuals, who were afraid to be open about being gay. In former times, you risked a lot by openly being gay. You risked being dragged through the judicial system, being jailed, being listed as a sex offender, being rejected by family and society. Being gay was stigmatized, so that people felt ashamed of it. You risked losing your job. You risked never being able to find a decent job. Being gay, when I was young was very much underground. It is no wonder that some people only felt safe "in the closet". Many people think that "coming out (of the closet)" means announcing to the rest of the world that you're gay and that's it; you've "come out". What many people still don't realize is that coming out is a process that goes on all through your life. The most important thing about being out of the closet isn't shouting your sexual orientation from the roof tops but being comfortable with yourself as you are.

    In recent years, other groups of people have started to use the phrase "in the closet" or "closeted" to describe their own situations. I have heard atheists calling on other atheists to come "out of the closet". And we hear FA's talking about being "in the closet". These are all groups of people, who cannot necessarily be identified by appearance. We don't necessarily realize that we have these inclinations early on in life. So, it can be difficult to know if a person doesn't realize that he/she is an FA or if they are hiding it. For me, it's not a case of realizing that I was a gay FA and wanting to tell other people about it but rather of realizing that there is nothing wrong with being gay or FA and not being afraid of what might happen if someone finds out. Some of us realize what we want in life earlier than others do.

    By the time I was four, I realized that I liked fat people and I made my mind up to be one of them. I didn't realize that I was gay until puberty struck. (We were given no sex education in the UK in my youth.) I didn't have much opportunity to date until I went to university and of course there was no point talking about what didn't happen.

    Did I date skinny guys? I dated one skinny guy. I thought that the thing about liking guys and the thing about liking fat were nothing to do with each other. I quickly found that the skinny guy didn't have what I was looking for. So, I started dating fat guys and only fat guys. People talked about it, especially on the gay scene. I found that I really couldn't have cared less about the gossip. Quite a few female friends sided with me over this.

    I never really saw any need to make fun of other gay men or of fat guys (or girls). I saw a lot this sort of behaviour from other people, whom I thought should have known better.

    For me the strange issue is being a gainer. My attempts at getting fat didn't work for a long time. When I finally started to put on weight, I didn't actually need to go around telling people, "Hey, I'm getting fat." They could see that for themselves. However, when I find myself in a little group, where we have to introduce ourselves to each other before getting down to business, I've started introducing myself as, "Hi, my name's Frank and I'm fat..." It sends out the message that I'm not ashamed of being fat. It's only recently that I've told friends that I got fat on purpose and that's probably because it's only been relevant recently. If someone asked me if I was a gainer, I wouldn't hide it. And that brings me back to what "coming out of the closet" is all about for me. It's about your attitude towards yourself. It's about being comfortable and happy and content with yourself. It's not about shouting that you're gay or FA from the rooftops. It's about not being scared of being found out, because it just doesn't matter.

    Of course, the other big aspect of "coming out of the closet", which needs to be left to another thread, is what standing up to be counted does. It means that we don't have to be alone. It means that we can be seen to be ordinary, decent people, who deserve the same rights as everyone else.
     
  19. Oct 13, 2019 #39

    Blockierer

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    How to deal with the the following?
    Question: How did you meet your wife?
    Answer: We met at a dating site for fat people.
    Question: But you are neither chubby nor fat.
    Answer: Sure, but I'm not so into slim girls with tiny boobies. I prefer women with female curves.

    At this point the questioning normally ends.
     
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  20. Oct 13, 2019 #40

    happily_married

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    I am always very careful assert an opinion on something I’ve never experienced directly but I tend to agree with the bolded. When it comes to how society values a person, big women are quite literally the lowest of the low. Men who date/marry them are next in line for society’s general contempt. Bigger guys, it’s a mixed bag. There are so many avenues a big guy to be successful, but plus size women are more universally disliked and mistrusted. A simple google search for BBW pulls up links to porn sites, as if their only use is as fetish fodder for weirdos who like to get off or a fatty once in a while.

    As such I think there is generally less surprise when people see a universally hot woman with a BHM than a reasonably good looking and fit man with a fat wife or girlfriend.

    This is not to say big guys have it easy. I know there a several here who’d argue that point and it’s not even the point I’m making anyway. I’m just saying big guys are not as universally despised as big girls. It is socially acceptable to be openly rude to fat girls, while that dynamic does not exist toward big guys. For example, When was the last time you saw a girl driving a pickup with a “no fat guys” sticker on the window?

    This may explain why there isn’t as much a closet for women who like big guys as there is for guys who like fat girls.
     

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