I’m pets, I love fat men, and I need to come to terms with it.

Discussion in 'BHM/FFA' started by pets, Dec 10, 2018.

  1. Dec 10, 2018 #1

    pets

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    ive been into fat men my ENTIRE life. I mean, ever since I had a sex drive I found myself much more attracted to overweight and even obese men.

    Myself? I’m tiny. 5’4” and 110 lbs and couldn’t gain weight if I tried. I’ve told exactly 3 people i prefer fat dudes. An ex (who was fat), my best friend, and an online close friend.

    My current boyfriend is totally average sized (5’11” and 180). I absolutely adore him, but feel unsatisfied sexually in some ways because he’s not fat. I don’t know how to come to terms with this. I wouldn’t and couldn’t ever break up with him all because he’s not overweight, but IF we ever break up, I think I’ll go after fat guys from then on...

    My preferences have caused me a lot of shame in the past. Why would a thin, “pretty” girl prefer fat men? I guess I’m realizing that they’re beautiful and individuals themselves and if I prefer it, so be it.
     
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  2. Dec 10, 2018 #2

    NaeusofStryx

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    I think your thread title and that initial statement tells you all you need to know, and I'm glad you have chosen to recognize it and post about it. I was uncomfortable with myself for many years, too, but that's life. I knew in my heart of hearts what I was about, and so do you. You'd be doing yourself a disservice, withholding your own happiness not to accept who you are. You're also missing out on making someone else's life happy (someone you connect with mentally, emotionally, and physically).

    A big sticking point for me was my own size: I'm 5'9" and 135 pounds, and have been on the thin side my whole life. In school, I got bullied about my own weight (being a thin dork, not a macho dude, etc.), so this gave me apprehension of dating who I really wanted to be with (bigger women). I thought I couldn't fulfill the stereotypical masculine role of protector, or the general societal appearance where men are the dominate mass in the equation. I'm not saying that's how things really are, just how I perceived it growing up.

    But, there comes a point when you just have to put what you perceive as society's judgments (and your own) out of your mind and just live the life that makes you happy. I don't see any point in playing a game if you can't enjoy it, and life should at least be happy more often than not, especially if it's within our control to help the odds. Besides, most of the time people are unfazed by your preferences, or support you as a friend and are interested out of genuine curiosity. Commentary that makes you feel shamed (from anyone, to include family), is not anything you need to heed or surround yourself with. I hope I understood your situation and hope that helps you!
     
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  3. Dec 10, 2018 #3

    Tad

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    First, welcome to Dimensions, Pet! I hope you find plenty here that makes your life better.

    Now on to your post. There are a variety of experiences and opinions on a lot of the issues in your post, in the older threads on this board. I'm not going to try and recap it all, nor say that my opinion is the right one. I'm just noting that there are a lot of opinions that differ from mine.

    My opinion comes down to: living a lie sucks, for all sorts of reasons. I'm not saying that you want to, but it sounds like in some areas you might be, at least a bit?

    Dont live a lie about what you like. You don't have to scream the details of your desires from the rooftops, but don't deny them. I guess the best way that i can put it is to live your life like people know and it isn't a big deal. Don't fawn over some actor who you don't find attractive, dontdbe complicit in fat bashing, be considerate of fat people and give them a smile and a compliment.

    Don't live a lie in your relationship by getting your kink scratched in secret by someone other than your boyfriend. That is, don't get any more intimate about fat stuff with another guy than you would about sex, given that fat stuff is sexual to you.

    You don't have to be explicit with your boyfriend about your fat love, but make sure he has a clue. This time of year is a great one to bring it up in a semi-joking sort of way. Make lots of cookies and warn him that this time of year brings out your inner Italian Grandmother band that you will be all "eat, eat, eat!" Or grumble about a skinny santa claus and tell him "young Pets may have had a bit of a thing for Santa, and my inner confused pubescent Pet is not amused by the withering away of her eye candy". Or whatever works between you two in order to give him a clue that you have a fat appreciating side.

    It is a tough situation. You don't want to hurt him. You don't want to ruin your relationship. You may be reluctant to lose the privilege that comes with being perceived as having a 'correct' body and 'correct' desires, and yet you don't want to lose your own sexuality.

    And fwiw, i i t my wife when she was pretty thin, and went through alot of the same issues. I have been fortunate, to paraphrase The Stones I may not have gotten all the fat I wanted, but I got the fat I needed. So sometimes these situations work out.

    Best of luck!
     
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  4. Dec 14, 2018 #4

    Starling

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    I’m not sure how old you are, but I’ve noticed that this is much less of a big deal for me at thirty than it was at say, twenty two. As a 5’4 fit 125lb woman who makes a concerted effort to appear conventionally feminine/attractive, I know people can definitely make unkind assumptions about you if you are with a large man. Like you need to make yourself better looking in comparison, you want someone who won’t find a better looking girl to cheat on, you want the attention/devotion that comes from dating someone “less attractive”. As I got older that was significantly less of an issue, especially because I am overwhelmingly picky with men. They need to be fat, yes, but they also need to be tall, have amazing teeth, a great job, and killer good looks. Once “fat” started being just another thing in my incredibly specific list of desired qualities, it stopped being something to be ashamed about. And I have dated some incredibly handsome men, where the fact that I am smaller is not even a consideration. Even now, the first thing people mention to me about my husband is not that he’s heavy, but how good looking he is. An older coworker rudely phrased it as “he’d be a movie star if he lost some weight”, but those kind of comments are rare. The point of this long ramble is if you are confident and own your preferences and realize that it isn’t settling by a long shot (in fact it makes it harder to find someone who meets your standards), people will react the same way.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2018
  5. Dec 14, 2018 #5

    Starling

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    And lastly, when it comes to your current boyfriend, you might say something like “you’re so handsome, you won me over even if you’re a bit (thinner, fitter, buffer) than the guys I usually go for”. He might say nothing, he might ask you more, he might take that as an invitation to gain weight in a way he always wanted to but never had permission to before. You never know! In the meantime, knowing you aren’t the only person who feels that way definitely helps - or at least it helped a younger more insecure Starling immensely!
     
  6. Dec 14, 2018 #6

    AmyJo1976

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    If you're not satisfied with him you need to move on. It doesn't matter the reason. Delaying the inevitable because you think it is a bad reason is just wasting both or your time.
     
  7. Dec 14, 2018 #7

    BigElectricKat

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    Since I've been away from Dims for a while, I hope you don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way:

    My biggest issue I have with people and their relationships is that often, folks get impatient for companionship at times. I can relate to men and women who view physical attraction as the major component in a relationship. BUT (and there's always a big butt in there somewhere), most would agree that it's not the only ingredient in a good match. For myself personally, I'm more concerned with the way a person makes me feel when I am with (and sometimes not with ) them. Do they make me smile? Do they make me think? Do they give me pause? Am I better with them? Do I long for them when they are away? Does my heart soar when I see them? Do their kisses electrify me? Do their whispers ignite my passions, etc? Those things are more important to me that just about any physical attribute. I guess to some I'm weird. I don't have a set "standard" that I am attracted to. In truth, every girl has her own beauty; you just have to know how to find it.

    Now that I'm off my soap box (the thin air up there makes me ramble on), I'll get to your quandary. If you feel that you aren't as sexually attracted to your current boyfriend as you think you might be with a bigger guy, there's a problem. What made you start dating this "average" guy in the first place? Was there something special about him that made you forget or disregard your preference for big (I still dislike saying fat but you know what I mean) guys? Or is he just a "place holder" until you find that perfect big fella? Either way, I agree that you should come to terms with what you really, really want.

    Have a Happy Holiday Season!
     
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  8. Dec 17, 2018 #8

    extra_m13

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    i'm sure you're not the only one... that is the reason for this kind of forums, to come here, let it all out and look for ways to make peace with what we really want out there
     
  9. Jan 7, 2019 #9

    Unbasher

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    You're definitely not alone. I discovered my preference AFTER I got married and thought it wouldn't matter since I loved my (ultra thin, unwilling to gain) husband as a person. However, I can't get sexually excited by him no matter how much I love his face, his skin his scent etc. Recently I confessed to my preferences and while he is relieved to know the reason for my lack of active participation in bed, it has thrown him. We barely touch anymore and I feel so stuck. I finally stand by who I am but I don't know how to unite this with my marriage. Considering we all change physically over time, and usually not for the better, and looks are not what should count, is my preference enough to end things? On the other hand, a lifetime of, as Tad put it, "getting your kink scratched in secret by someone other than your boyfriend" doesn't sound healthy and honest to me either...
     
  10. Jan 8, 2019 #10

    agouderia

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    I hear you Unbasher. That was in the end the reason I turned down my first longer-term boyfriend when he proposed - subconsciously something told me it wouldn't be fair to both of us. Parallel having the opportunity to an affair with a fun, experienced big guy definitely served as a catalyst .

    What to do if you're already married - no idea. My circle of friends currently is facing a spree of divorces though. In all of these cases it is safe to say that the seed for what drove the couple apart was already there when they got married.
    The essential expectation that was never voiced, the pre-existing imbalance that couldn't stand the challenges of life, etc.
    Natural changes over time can mean you as a couple develop towards each other - but just as well that you develop on different paths.
    From how you describe your situation I get the vibe that your husband might be asking himself the exact same questions.
    Good luck with whatever is next for you.
     
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  11. Jan 8, 2019 #11

    Unbasher

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    Thank you for your kind words. The only consolation right now is that I finally feel I can stand by what I like. I'm tired of hiding.
     
  12. Jan 8, 2019 #12

    LarryTheNoodleGuy

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    Well...hi! I met my first skinny feeder three years ago and what a pleasure it was to let my belly out both in and out of the bedroom, with her encouragement, and see her eyes pop. (Blush) or to lie down on the bed without a shirt and seeing her smile from the edge of the bed. ("Why are you smiling?" "Your belly is still big even when you lie down!" Then to have her cuddle up next to you and run her hands over your swollen, jiggly belly...and you are helpless, like a dog having his belly rubbed.

    Welcome 2 u!
     
  13. Jan 8, 2019 #13

    Unbasher

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    Larry,

    While I'm glad you've found that pleasure, have you got any experience to share with us that could help us deal with the problem Pet and I have?
     
  14. Jan 8, 2019 #14

    LarryTheNoodleGuy

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    I have been on the receiving end of the opposite problem; partner unhappy with my pounds. Went on Weight Watchers, lost some weight, but ehhh. But that was just someone I was dating. Ironically, she ended up gaining over 30 pounds down the line, and I regained the lost weight plus a lot more.

    Never had the experience of someone, particularly someone I had gone through the quite serious lifetime committment with, vows and such, being unhappy with my body to the point where sex was down to a dribble.

    But if it was me on the receieving end of this, I would divorce you.
     
  15. Jan 8, 2019 #15

    Unbasher

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    That was brutal but honest. Thank you.
     
  16. Jan 8, 2019 #16

    happily_married

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    I can relate to you both but from a male perspective. I’m reasonably good looking and fit, but I prefer fat women and am married to one.

    In @pets case it’s as simple as deciding you don’t give a damn about what a “thin pretty girl” is supposed to like. Society’s expectations are only relevant to one’s personal preferences if one allows them to be. This is a journey I embarked on years ago and truthfully am still on it.

    Your situation is more complex because you have a marriage and presumably a lot of time and emotion invested in that. All I can say is you have to weigh that against the physical preference you have and decide what you care about more. As you noted: physically we all will eventually change anyway. But if you’re not happy why would you force yourself to carry on?

    It’s a tough issue for you to grapple with and I don’t envy you.
     
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  17. Jan 8, 2019 #17

    LeoGibson

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    I’m currently separated and soon to divorce and a large reason, not the only one in my case but the catalyst that started it all, was a lack of sex drive from my stbx. Now hers is likely a different reasoning than op’s for losing her desire, whether it be a loss of desire altogether or just a loss of desire for me at this point it doesn’t even matter anymore since she was never willing to verbalize it I don’t know. I will say It makes for a really disheartening marriage when your partner isn’t into having a physical relationship with you. After a while the other parts just wither and die and you’re left with resentment for a bunch of wasted time. At least this was my own experience.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2019
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  18. Jan 8, 2019 #18

    SSBHM

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    There is a prayer, I'm sure you've heard it before.

    Grant me serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Some decisions we can only make for ourselves.

    Now off to get pizza and ice cream!
     
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  19. Jan 9, 2019 #19

    Unbasher

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    Thank you all for your honest contributions. While I feel for everyone who is or has been in the same situation, it's somehow reassuring I'm not the only one struggling. I've been wondering all my life why I couldn't get excited over what my peers seemed to be into. I only wish I had found out what I want before I got married, but that belongs into the "accept the things I can't change" category.
     
  20. Jan 9, 2019 #20

    LarryTheNoodleGuy

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    It is indeed brutal, but that sort of brutality freed me from staying in a marriage that worked well for many years but once it was over, it needed a period, as Judge Judy says, rather than a years-long torture-fest where neither partner was happy.

    An analogy - when you live on a farm and you need to put down an animal, you don't make superficial cuts with a dull knife. You do what needs to be done and make it quick. And this is after trying every possible solution. Divorce is shattering.
     

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