I Am Struggling With Depression

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Surlysomething

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I almost let my depression and the bullshit I don't understand about it ruin my long weekend. Good thing I had enough brains to give myself a good talking to and convinced myself to just let some shit go and be happy for the good things. It's Thanksgiving for crying out loud.


Be thankful you wing-nut.
 

Miss Vickie

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I almost let my depression and the bullshit I don't understand about it ruin my long weekend. Good thing I had enough brains to give myself a good talking to and convinced myself to just let some shit go and be happy for the good things. It's Thanksgiving for crying out loud.


Be thankful you wing-nut.

It's nice when we have the presence of mind -- and the distance from our emotions -- to tell the depression to go to hell!

Happy Thanksgiving!
 

Surlysomething

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I feel extremely tired from doing it to myself as well. Like a ran a marathon in my brain. But I also feel relief.

Nice to see you around, MV. :)


It's nice when we have the presence of mind -- and the distance from our emotions -- to tell the depression to go to hell!

Happy Thanksgiving!
 

CarlaSixx

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I still hate thanksgiving. This is when my ex and I broke up. Years later, it still hurts.

And to top it all off, I can't even frikkin swallow my damn medication today. Been doing fine all week. But today?! Nope. Just won't frikkin go down. I'm on Wellbutrin now.
 

Miss Vickie

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I feel extremely tired from doing it to myself as well. Like a ran a marathon in my brain. But I also feel relief.

Nice to see you around, MV. :)
Yes, I know what you mean!!! It takes a huge amount of effort to be "okay" when you're not feeling okay. I would like to think it'll get easier with time (fingers, toes and eyes crossed).

I still hate thanksgiving. This is when my ex and I broke up. Years later, it still hurts.

And to top it all off, I can't even frikkin swallow my damn medication today. Been doing fine all week. But today?! Nope. Just won't frikkin go down. I'm on Wellbutrin now.
Aw I'm sorry, Carla. That sucks. :mad: BTW, how are you liking Wellbutrin? I've heard good things but it gave me headaches.


As for me, I've been through several trials of meds and we've settled on Effexor. It's.... okay, but I have a lot of muscle twitching and insomnia. Oh and the sweating??? Oy. I'm hoping things will settle down soon though.
 

dharmabean

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I am struggling with depression right now too. There's too much to post at the moment, especially with being so new. Let's just say, I can't shake feeling down. I can't breath. I don't want to do a lot of things I enjoy doing.
 

HottiMegan

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My sleep is suffering really badly right now. i have gnarly black, sad/angry dreams. I wake up a lot. Part of it is my pre-period hormone surge but i am so worn out from waking up every two hours. I took an over the counter sleep aid last night but it didn't even make a dent. I wish I had something stronger for nights like this. I just want a really good night sleep!!! I can't pinpoint the thing/s causing me anxiety at night but i wish that anxiety would allow for a good night sleep.
 

Surlysomething

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I believe that PMS is a HUGE factor in my struggle with depression.

Like right now, i'm wishing so hard that my stupid period will get here so I won't feel so emotionally fucked up. I hate it.
 

CastingPearls

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Since my thyroid med dosage has been retweaked and I'm taking adrenal support supplements, 10K IUs of Vitamin D and have begun B12 injections again, the depression has almost disappeared except for short bouts which I'm handling with meditation, breathing exercises, etc. I'm off anti-depressants a few months and am taking Xanax less and less. I really think the thyroid issues and vitamin deficiencies were key. So is the near-finalization of my divorce.
 

Miss Vickie

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Since my thyroid med dosage has been retweaked and I'm taking adrenal support supplements, 10K IUs of Vitamin D and have begun B12 injections again, the depression has almost disappeared except for short bouts which I'm handling with meditation, breathing exercises, etc.
CP, I cannot express how happy this makes me! I'm such a believer in using natural substances to regulate mood, and am glad you've had such good luck!

I've been a huge believer of Vitamin D for my patients and friends, but because of my Sarcoidosis and the high levels of D it can cause in patients with Sarcoidosis, I have to be careful. But recently I had my D-25 checked and I'm fine so I can continue to take D supplements (4000 iu daily) without worry that it will make my Sarcoidosis worse. (Sarcoidosis is one of the few diseases which have contraindications for Vitamin D supplementation because the granulomas caused by the disease create Vitamin D, sometimes in high levels. Some patients with Sarcoid can't even go outside without getting sick (!!!) but fortunately for me, it doesn't affect me that way).

I'm off anti-depressants a few months and am taking Xanax less and less. I really think the thyroid issues and vitamin deficiencies were key. So is the near-finalization of my divorce.
It's amazing to me how we miss the obvious, the vitamin deficiencies and hormonal imbalances that are behind the symptoms we experience; we rely on antidepressants when sometimes it's as simple as being sure we have the nutrients we need!

You're particularly impressive with what you have accomplished with supplementation!
 

Miskatonic

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I have bipolar disorder. A lot of people refer to it as my "depression" but it's really not that simple. depression is definitely a big part of it, but bipolar is much more than just depression. It's been very hard on me. I deal with constant negativity inside my head. I described it to a friend once as trying to function while you're screaming and crying inside, constantly.

My depressive states are hardcore. I'm talking total system shutdowns. I've gotten a lot better about getting up and pushing through the shit, but there are still days where I stay in bed all day long and don't leave my bedroom for anything. When I swing down, my anxiety goes through the roof, I become very apathetic and my thinking turns black and white. Nothing will ever get better so I might as well give up, that kind of thing.

Still, the depression is way better than the manic phases. I just annoy people when I'm depressed; going manic has led to me losing lots of friends. Again, I've become much better at controlling it, but I get serious rage mania from time to time. Coupled with serious paranoia, this leads to me thinking my friends are all against me and thus lashing out at them. Then it all settles down and the depression kicks in and I feel miserable over how I acted and how I damaged friendships and then the cycle continues.

Being bipolar is super fun, you guys.

A few years ago, I decided that I was tired of letting my disorder rule my life so I've been taking steps to combat it. I've been seeing a therapist and taking meds for a couple years now, and that helps a bit. Recovery involves more than that, however; it's a constant battle of will. My will against the will of the illness. It involves having to push myself through the absolute worst mental pain around. It involves having to force myself not to stay in bed when all I want to do is die, and get outside, and go do things I need to do. It's a lot of work, and it will be a constant battle for the rest of my life. But I've come a long way. I feel much better in general these days. It still comes out to play from time to time, but I'm nowhere near as out of control as I used to be.

It's a daily struggle but I gotta fight otherwise I'll just end up going nowhere.
 

Miskatonic

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This. I'm all about this as well.

Way to go on fighting hard.
A lot of people just give up and lie down and, well, I can't really blame them. Especially with BP. It's like walking against a jet of fire every day. But I've got plans for my life and they don't involve sleeping til 5 PM all the time.
 

Surlysomething

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I'm very stubborn where my depression is concerned.

I have to get up, that's all there is to it. Shit needs to get done, bills need to be paid. Everyday anyone with a mental health problem gets out of bed and goes about their business is a win.


A lot of people just give up and lie down and, well, I can't really blame them. Especially with BP. It's like walking against a jet of fire every day. But I've got plans for my life and they don't involve sleeping til 5 PM all the time.
 

largenlovely

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I've been binge eating for the last 2 weeks out of depression. I think I'm finally pulling myself out of it but even my anti-depressants didn't do much for this situation.

Me and a friend decided to start dating. He doesn't like big girls but he was really into me as a person. We had been friends for a couple years, a lot in common and so forth. I had been crushing on him the entire time. Welllllll....sometimes you can be friends with someone and have no fucking idea about all the shit going on in their heads. He was very open minded and that really appealed to me but once he started opening up about his ideas and thoughts, I realized he was batshit fucking crazy. I'm kinda kooky (no surprise there right lol) so I like odd individuals but this was too much. I was staying with him between Thursday night to Sunday night. So we were together so much that I was really starting to hear all his crazy shit.

He started telling me that he was supposed to be on meds but he didn't like them so he wouldn't take them. His family had him sent to a psych ward here for a week. Which I had no fucking idea about. He believed the government could read our minds and he was top on the list because he is ex-navy and was privy to top secret information. He believed that the government was eventually going to transfer our souls into computers. There's so much more...this all happened the last weekend we were together as a couple. Keep in mind that he came and picked me up and took me to his place that was about 45 minutes from my house. So I was stuck there til Sunday.

So, I'm trying to process all this crazed shit he was telling me (he was drunk btw and it was all coming out. He stayed drunk for 2 days). Then, to make matters worse (I know, you're thinking it can't get much worse lol....but it can). He started telling me about every single negative thing that he (and his mom) had found about me and wanted to remind me that he was having a hard time sexually because my large body confused him.

It was horrible...worse than horrible. He was throwing accusatory questions at me like: how did you get so big? Why are you 38 yrs old and don't have a career when you went to college for so long? Do you EVER plan on going back to work? What exactly have you done with your life since college?

All very valid questions..but the manner that he was throwing them at me, I felt bombarded and like I was on trial. I tried explaining that I haven't been able to hardly walk for 8 yrs since I fell off a porch and damaged my leg and then found out about being born with a deformed hip...and trying to recover from that and that I'm working really hard at rebuilding my life but man....it made me feel like I was a totally worthless piece of shit.

The next day, I ended the relationship. He got so upset that we weren't able to make a relationship work (even though he said he agreed with me) that he started flipping out. He started shaking and said that some sort of external force was trying to take control of his mind and he could feel it and was trying to fight it off. I was trying everything I could to calm him down. He wasn't physically frenzied or anything other than the shaking. He was sitting in a chair but he was obviously freaking the fuck out. Finally, he resorted to taking his medicine that he doesn't like and we went and layed down and I held him while he cried. What the fuck?? If anyone needed some comforting it was ME after what he had put me through the previous couple days.

He felt really bad but the damage had already been done. I told him that it upset me but I wouldn't hold it against our friendship but I needed a little bit of time to recover from it all.

Today he posted some off the wall shit on my facebook that seemed kinda ambiguous to anyone who may view it but it still seems kinda off the wall. He seems to think we went on some sort of spiritual journey together during one of our conversations.

I had no idea he was crazy. He can hide the shit pretty good around strangers. Hell, he didn't even let me know all that shit as his friend. He met my sister and she said that she noticed he said a couple odd things that made her take notice but she didn't think he was mentally ill. Which, that was exactly how I had always thought of him too. I am ok with people thinking outside of the box so a couple odd or weird things here and there doesn't bother me. But JHC, it was one of the worst experiences I have had to deal with in a very very long time. Since my mom had her nervous breakdown 20 yrs ago.

So for the last 2 weeks straight I've been shoving food in my mouth. Gained 10 pounds in that short amount of time. I'm feeling better now that I've put some time in between the situation and now but holy crap. How do I find these people....

Sorry this is so long but I really needed to get it out.

ETA as far as the facebook stuff and our friendship, I try to do my best to guide him out of some of the crazy thoughts he throws at me now and some of them, I will just kinda go along with and humor him on it. Not exactly sure how to handle things now. I feel sorry for him. He's actually a good hearted guy normally...seriously, he really is. I know this situation doesn't sound like it but he's normally one of those type of people who will go out of his way to help somebody out. It's just kind of a mess because now that he has let his "crazy" out to me, he feels pretty comfortable discussing it sometimes...though he does have sane moments. A good amount of them even...but when he goes off the deep end, he's out there for a little bit. I dunno...its just really fucked up
 

LoveBHMS

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Awwww. Melissa! I am so sorry to read about this. You poor chica for what you've gone through. The whole situation sounds like a nightmare and you deserve much much better. As I'm sure you know, the strongest steel passes through fire and you are a strong woman. Keep your faith and draw on support from those that love you. The Lord didn't take you this far to let you down now.

<3
 

largenlovely

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Awwww. Melissa! I am so sorry to read about this. You poor chica for what you've gone through. The whole situation sounds like a nightmare and you deserve much much better. As I'm sure you know, the strongest steel passes through fire and you are a strong woman. Keep your faith and draw on support from those that love you. The Lord didn't take you this far to let you down now.

<3
Thanks ...sometimes I'm utterly shocked at the strange shit that happens.

It was a nightmare for sure and I can't really *blame* him because he's obviously mentally ill but at the same time, man I don't need that shit lol

It was for the best..I'm glad I found it all out pretty quickly while I wasn't as invested emotionally on a romantic level as I would've been had I found out 6 months from now.

But the personal attack sure didn't do me any favors though..at least I'm starting to recover from it now though but geeze louise.
 
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