I Am Struggling With Depression

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Tad

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Wow, LnL, that sounds horrific--I'm glad you were able to get out of things before it went farther, but sorry you had to endure that. Also glad that you seem to be recovering already--good resilience on your part!

Also, while you can't blame him for being mentally ill, I think it is perfectly fine to blame him for not being more forthcoming before bringing you over for an extended weekend. I can understand if he doesn't like how he feels on his meds, but he needs to accept that when not on them, he's someone that most people won't be able to handle in large doses (who knows how he is when he is on them). Case in point would be the attack/interrogation, if he'd been more in control of his thought processes, would he have subjected you to all of that?
 

largenlovely

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Wow, LnL, that sounds horrific--I'm glad you were able to get out of things before it went farther, but sorry you had to endure that. Also glad that you seem to be recovering already--good resilience on your part!

Also, while you can't blame him for being mentally ill, I think it is perfectly fine to blame him for not being more forthcoming before bringing you over for an extended weekend. I can understand if he doesn't like how he feels on his meds, but he needs to accept that when not on them, he's someone that most people won't be able to handle in large doses (who knows how he is when he is on them). Case in point would be the attack/interrogation, if he'd been more in control of his thought processes, would he have subjected you to all of that?
Well, I had been spending thurs-sun nights with him from the beginning, so for a few weekends. He would throw a few strange ideas out here and there but nothing like what he threw at me that last weekend together.

By him making it personal like that, I was able to focus on that when ending things. Had I just broke it off cuz I believed him crazy, it would've made it more difficult to maintain a friendship.

I hate that I had to lay all this out here on a forum but he's friends with some of my friends and I don't want to share this with them and create drama or cause them to not be friends with him. So I had to get it out somewhere.
 

moore2me

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I still hate thanksgiving. This is when my ex and I broke up. Years later, it still hurts.

And to top it all off, I can't even frikkin swallow my damn medication today. Been doing fine all week. But today?! Nope. Just won't frikkin go down. I'm on Wellbutrin now.
Sorry, it took me so long to see your comment about swallowing your meds. One trick that some places use to help people swallow is to take the pills with something thicker than water - this is commonly done using pudding or applesauce.
 

Surlysomething

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Some painful memories were dredged up this week and things came to light after 30 years that should have never been buried. It made me angry, tired, sad and overwhelmed. I ended up taking a day off and pretty much just slept.

My Mom brought it up to my Dad while I was there for coffee this morning (because I was worried about mentioning anything to my emotionally unavailable father) and it was both terrifying and surreal. I still feel sick and full of anxiety and exhaustion.



Trying to breathe it out.
 

Miss Vickie

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Some painful memories were dredged up this week and things came to light after 30 years that should have never been buried. It made me angry, tired, sad and overwhelmed. I ended up taking a day off and pretty much just slept.

My Mom brought it up to my Dad while I was there for coffee this morning (because I was worried about mentioning anything to my emotionally unavailable father) and it was both terrifying and surreal. I still feel sick and full of anxiety and exhaustion.



Trying to breathe it out.
Oh, no. That's just awful. I'm so sorry. I hope that by now you're feeling better. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
 

Surlysomething

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I'm still a bit shaken by everything that's happened. But what can you do?

I'm going to try and make a trip out to my Mom's hometown in the spring..maybe that will heal some wounds.

Thanks, MV. :)


Oh, no. That's just awful. I'm so sorry. I hope that by now you're feeling better. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
 

Mishty

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Fucking disgusted with everything in my life.

Nothing makes me happy,and pretending to be happy for the people I love is wearing me down.

Two days of extreme,over-the-moon joy,followed by two weeks of crying,confusion,and self loathing. My meds obviously aren't doing their job and I can't afford to talk to my head doctor.

I'm just so worn out from life. 14 hours of sleep,four hours of wine time,all topped with being stoned. I'm headed down a nasty path and I'm just barely human enough to notice.


12 days till I'm 30.
Thirty.
20 + 10 = 30
fuck.......
 

AuntHen

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Fucking disgusted with everything in my life.

Nothing makes me happy,and pretending to be happy for the people I love is wearing me down.

Two days of extreme,over-the-moon joy,followed by two weeks of crying,confusion,and self loathing. My meds obviously aren't doing their job and I can't afford to talk to my head doctor.

I'm just so worn out from life. 14 hours of sleep,four hours of wine time,all topped with being stoned. I'm headed down a nasty path and I'm just barely human enough to notice.


12 days till I'm 30.
Thirty.
20 + 10 = 30
fuck.......
hang in there girl! Is there anything that you love to do so so much that can keep you busy and your mind off things for a bit? Walking, swimming, dancing, karaoke, etc? Like an endorphin rush? I hope you feel better soon! :)
 

dharmabean

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Here's a small glimpse into my life. This is an email from my aunt to my mother, in defense of me. My mother hates me, see. She has since I was a baby. She was going to have an abortion with me, and I've been told this since I can first comprehend language. Then she was going to put me up for an adoption, but felt "sorry" for me and chose to keep me. Since then I've been in and out of foster homes, as mentioned before. I've been abused to the point of hospitalization. My life, is pretty fucked up. I am 36 and NEVER going to get over it. It's been beat in to me. It's my predisposition.

Anyways, I moved across our state in part to get away from my mother. My aunt lives here and helped me relocate. Apparently, this pissed my mother off enough to email my aunt. I haven't seen my mother's side of the email, but you can gauge what it was about from my aunt's response.

I've edited names, including my son's. B**** is my son. R*** is my brother. My son is 16, and chose to stay on the other side of the state to finish school. I can respect that. It's hard to move when you're a teen two years away from graduating. My brother offered his home to help my son finish school. My mother refuses to let me live that down.


RC, I want you to have a copy of what I wrote to your mom after the shitty e-mail I got from her. I hope you aren't upset at me.

Geez Kate.

She has nobody to turn to, and you've made it perfectly clear to her that she's not wanted by you, what else can she do? You can't just love her and allow her to make her own mistakes, you have to put your fucked up conditions on your love.

She is just trying to survive which is what we're all doing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and grow the fuck up.

Your daughter, the one you could have given to a decent family who might have loved her and given her half a chance at a normal life,is a wonderful, intelligent and beautiful person. Is that why you hate her so much Kate because ever since she was 15 you've despised her.

No, more like ever since she was 2 when every disgusting piece of shit you dragged home could do whatever they wanted to her.

When you come down off your self pity trip and grow up then maybe people will want to be around you. You really are not in touch with reality Kate.

She's 36 years old. Stop judging her. You fucked up every relationship you had now you're angry at everyone else who has one. You are so obsessed with your misery and pity that you truly can't see how much you hurt her, or how much she hurts because she has no father, no mother and can't provide a home for her only child. You want to atone? Start with your kids and work your way down the list.

Regan and I have had conversations about B*** and you need to mind your own business where her parenting skills are concerned. Look who she learned them from.

R*** is a grown man and I'm sure he can handle a 16 year old. B**** will be just fine. He has a chance to finish school, a roof over his head and people who care about him.

Regan would be helping out with his support but she can barely pay the rent. Would you rather she be living under a bridge or in her car?

You won't help her out without your fucked up opinions being forced down her throat.
Give her some credit for god's sake Kate. She's done nothing to deserve the way you treat her and if she has, oh well. She's still your daughter. You brought her into this world, prevented her from having a normal life just to keep around and abuse. You think she needs to grow up?

Maybe you should have tried that instead of letting yourself get pregnant by a married man who told you he wouldn't provide for a child.

That really showed maturity.

Nice try.
 

largenlovely

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Here's a small glimpse into my life. This is an email from my aunt to my mother, in defense of me. My mother hates me, see. She has since I was a baby. She was going to have an abortion with me, and I've been told this since I can first comprehend language. Then she was going to put me up for an adoption, but felt "sorry" for me and chose to keep me. Since then I've been in and out of foster homes, as mentioned before. I've been abused to the point of hospitalization. My life, is pretty fucked up. I am 36 and NEVER going to get over it. It's been beat in to me. It's my predisposition.

Anyways, I moved across our state in part to get away from my mother. My aunt lives here and helped me relocate. Apparently, this pissed my mother off enough to email my aunt. I haven't seen my mother's side of the email, but you can gauge what it was about from my aunt's response.

I've edited names, including my son's. B**** is my son. R*** is my brother. My son is 16, and chose to stay on the other side of the state to finish school. I can respect that. It's hard to move when you're a teen two years away from graduating. My brother offered his home to help my son finish school. My mother refuses to let me live that down.
I'm sorry :( *hugs* my mother is schizophrenic and has abused me from an early age too. People can tell you to forgive it and move on with your life but it's difficult to do when the abuse continues and their behavior doesn't change. People can say to cut them out of your life completely but you can never really escape family.

I hope you can find a way to have some sort of peace about it though. I avoid my mother like the plague but can't escape her completely. Just wanted to say I understand.
 

dharmabean

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It's just gotten worse today. I don't want to get out of bed. Why the fuck was I even brought into this world? I am SOOoo damn tired of hearing, "Because "God" has a bigger plan for you."

When will that happen? When I die and I reap his rewards in heaven? Oh! Right, ya ok. So I have to continue to walk, and breathe, and think, and live in this fucked up work, in this fucked up body, where I'm unwanted by the one person that's supposed to love me unconditionally?


Gee Thanks god.
 

Tracyarts

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Lately I've been feeling like life is passing me by, and I'm out of sync with the rest of the world. For the time being all I can do is try a higher dose of antidepressants and make myself be a participant instead of just an observer as often as I can.

Tracy
 

Surlysomething

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After struggling for months after a breakup I had a meltdown last night and pretty much ended it all in my head. It's been doing me in, trying to rationalize what happened, trying to figure out what I did wrong, trying to figure out why I can't trust anyone and whether or not I ever will. Why all the men in my life have screwed me over with lies and betrayal. I almost have no self esteem left. After one last ditch attempt for closure and being ignored, i'm done.

I need to move on and I can't let an emotionally unavailable person ruin the rest of my life.
 

BigBrwnSugar1

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After struggling for months after a breakup I had a meltdown last night and pretty much ended it all in my head. It's been doing me in, trying to rationalize what happened, trying to figure out what I did wrong, trying to figure out why I can't trust anyone and whether or not I ever will. Why all the men in my life have screwed me over with lies and betrayal. I almost have no self esteem left. After one last ditch attempt for closure and being ignored, i'm done.

I need to move on and I can't let an emotionally unavailable person ruin the rest of my life.
Surly - Please know that you are not along in feeling like this. I am going through the same thing. Just when I think I am over it, horrible feelings and emotions rear their ugly heads. I just wish men (and I'm sure women too)would realize how damage they can do. When I learned that he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public, it just about destroyed me. Yes I'm fine to fool around with in the privacy of his apartment (wouldn't even come to my house) but heaven forbid we go for a drink or a bite to eat though I see him out and about with tiny, petite women.

When does the pain end?
 

Surlysomething

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I'm sorry you're feeling this way as well. I wish I knew when it would end, I really do. But i'm putting a stop to my reckless behaviour regarding it, I know that much.

I hate that our self esteem is so tied up in these relationships and with people that really have no business being in our lives if they're fake ass losers.

I'm going to try and have the best day I can TODAY. I hope you have a good one too. :)


Surly - Please know that you are not along in feeling like this. I am going through the same thing. Just when I think I am over it, horrible feelings and emotions rear their ugly heads. I just wish men (and I'm sure women too)would realize how damage they can do. When I learned that he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public, it just about destroyed me. Yes I'm fine to fool around with in the privacy of his apartment (wouldn't even come to my house) but heaven forbid we go for a drink or a bite to eat though I see him out and about with tiny, petite women.

When does the pain end?
 

HottiMegan

I'm a fat geek!
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Here's a small glimpse into my life. This is an email from my aunt to my mother, in defense of me. My mother hates me, see. She has since I was a baby. She was going to have an abortion with me, and I've been told this since I can first comprehend language. Then she was going to put me up for an adoption, but felt "sorry" for me and chose to keep me. Since then I've been in and out of foster homes, as mentioned before. I've been abused to the point of hospitalization. My life, is pretty fucked up. I am 36 and NEVER going to get over it. It's been beat in to me. It's my predisposition.

Anyways, I moved across our state in part to get away from my mother. My aunt lives here and helped me relocate. Apparently, this pissed my mother off enough to email my aunt. I haven't seen my mother's side of the email, but you can gauge what it was about from my aunt's response.

I've edited names, including my son's. B**** is my son. R*** is my brother. My son is 16, and chose to stay on the other side of the state to finish school. I can respect that. It's hard to move when you're a teen two years away from graduating. My brother offered his home to help my son finish school. My mother refuses to let me live that down.
I only just read this. That seriously sucks. I am, however, glad that you have a good support in your aunt and brother. It's hard when family doesn't treat you right since they're kind of inescapable. I hope your life starts to feel better with your move.
 

HottiMegan

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I'm happy that I just learned that our insurance will have no share of cost/deductible mental health care starting next year. I will also get 90 day prescriptions, regardless of what it is, for like 9 bucks for brand name stuff. The only requirement is i also see a regular physician. So between now and the change over, i'm going to be searching out a GP and a psychiatric care giver. Hubs works for Adventist health and they're changing insurance to basically force us into having regular care (i'm sure as a preventative measure) to keep our premiums lower. I hate going to the doctor but it will save us like $60 a month in premiums and like $700 in deductible costs.

I am finally reserving myself to the idea that i probably will have to take some sort of medication forever. My depression is making hubs scared. He gets this look of concern and stuff often lately. He doesn't like it when i talk about how i feel about myself. I can tell it hurts him. My kids don't seem too affected by it, i try my best daily to keep a smile going. The house is a sty because i have no energy and have actual physical pain nearly constantly. I know i can and need to do better by my kids. I need to spend more quality time with them. I am hoping therapy might help since i feel like i have no one i can really talk to about how much i loathe myself without fear of hurting people. It's also a chance at an hour of focusing only on myself. That's a rare thing.
 

moore2me

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It's just gotten worse today. I don't want to get out of bed. Why the fuck was I even brought into this world? I am SOOoo damn tired of hearing, "Because "God" has a bigger plan for you."

When will that happen? When I die and I reap his rewards in heaven? Oh! Right, ya ok. So I have to continue to walk, and breathe, and think, and live in this fucked up work, in this fucked up body, where I'm unwanted by the one person that's supposed to love me unconditionally?


Gee Thanks god.
dharmabean, I hope you realize that your mother is very seriously mentally illl. On a scale from 1 to 10, I would rate her a 9 (from a layman's point of view). What this demented woman has done to you has absolutely nothing to do with you as a person. If she had given birth to anyone else - they would have been treated the same way. The more you can distance yourself and your loved ones from this woman - the better. You cannot fix her and she will just keep trying to destroy you. She is doing it irrationally but very persistently and malignantly (from your description).

Do the best you can to break off all contact. Think of her as a cancer causing agent that will destroy your good health. She will also try to destroy what good things you have now that you are an adult. I am amazed that you have turned out so well and encourage you to keep building your life and purposing excluding this woman. Do not invite her to your house. Do not take care of her. Do not visit her. I would not let my kids visit her. She may become physically dangerous again to you or your family.

And yes there are some fucked up people in this world. To live in this world in peace and with decent human interaction and a measure of a good life - you will have to declare this woman "Dead To You". I know this sounds severe, but there are plenty of nice people that will not treat you like this woman does. She is a shark who will eat her young. I can tell by the way you write, you do not have her diseased mind. You have a clear mind and a good grasp of how bad her behavior is - I admire your tenacity and ability to survive such abuse and carnage upon your young life - you are a survivor and you are strong - very strong.
 
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