I Am Struggling With Depression

[lille]

I have had one terrible therapist. A not very good though very friendly psychiatrist. A ok therapist that I didn’t click with. And now I have an amazing kink friendly therapist that I adore and can be totally open and honest with. She’s phenomenal and I’ve made huge progress working with her. Good therapists are out there, I forgot can take some trial and error.

 

[Sonic Purity]

"somewhere in the palatinate region is all i remember"
What? No way, that's where I live! Do you remember a city name?

Offline research (my mother looking through paper maps etc. from 1992) was required, hence the delay in my response.

In terms of the ancestors, there is no clear information, despite the existence of a book entitled Kratz Family History from 1982, enumerating the lineage from the arrival of one John Valentine Kratz on the North American continent “in 1727 when he was 20 years old”. It mentions the ship upon which he traveled, his making the move due to “religious persecution”, and much more. Once he gets to Pennsylvania, there’s tons of details. All it says about him in Germany is:

“John Valentine Kratz was born 1707 in the Palatinate, a province of Germany, bordering on the east side of the Rhine.”

Then it goes into a footnote about some thinking that he was born in Switzerland then traveled to this region of Germany before heading to North America. His father John Philip Kratz is only listed as “born in Germany”… rather vague.

Now if you’re asking about where i visited in 1992, near-delirious with the flu i thought was a cold, the only cities in which my mother remembers us stopping were Mannheim and Heidelberg. I do remember walking all over Heidelberg, and little else. I don’t remember Mannheim distinctly at all.

Either of these cities anywhere near you?

 

[Sonic Purity]

I have had one terrible therapist. A not very good though very friendly psychiatrist. A ok therapist that I didn’t click with. And now I have an amazing kink friendly therapist that I adore and can be totally open and honest with. She’s phenomenal and I’ve made huge progress working with her. Good therapists are out there, I forgot can take some trial and error.

Thank you for adding this. I was beginning to feel quite terrible about my failings finding a therapist this time around, given the time, energy, and money it takes to a) locate them, b) set up the initial appointment (if one gets that far), c) go through the initial appointment. Feeling shame for even being alive in the first place, then shame taking up some therapist’s time which might be better utilized helping a more worthy person, make the search process difficult enough to begin with.

Then there was the time in the pre-popular-Internet part of the 1990s when i was suicidal (ideation. No means whatsoever, nor even a half-baked plan at that point) and called a suicide prevention hotline… and the person did not take me seriously(!!!!!). No, it was not a wrong number; i verified. Bad experience; first and last time i have or will deal with a suicide prevention hotline, or most other hotlines.

 

[FleurBleu]

I went to college in Mannheim and visited Heidelberg two weeks ago. What a small world!
But back to your original post: I sincerely hope you'll find a good therapist. Everyone who is strong enough to admit it to themselves that they need one deserve one.

 

[NZ Mountain Man]

Well seen. Good for you. Alcohol and other "social" drugs definitely fall into the bad company category particularly because of their apparent attractiveness.

Here is a challenge for you; give that which you think you most lack.

Good luck

Alcohol is a depressant.

 

[MattB]

In a rough patch right now. I'm not looking for advice or sympathy, I just wanted to write it down and get it out.

I need to increase my activity, among other things, so I know what to do.

 

[Donna]

In a rough patch right now. I'm not looking for advice or sympathy, I just wanted to write it down and get it out.

I need to increase my activity, among other things, so I know what to do.

Is acknowledgment that you’re not alone in that emotion an acceptable response?

 

[MattB]

Of course. \m/

 

[Angelette]

Well, it is 2 in the morning PST time. I'm all alone with a messy mind. Can't even sleep.

I feel ashamed for making a vent comment. But this website is my last resort. Wanted to write an essay about my life. However, it is complicated and don't know how to word it. I'm afraid there won't be much solutions to my problems.

Wish everyone well.

 

[Colonial Warrior]

Well, it is 2 in the morning PST time. I'm all alone with a messy mind. Can't even sleep.

I feel ashamed for making a vent comment. But this website is my last resort. Wanted to write an essay about my life. However, it is complicated and don't know how to word it. I'm afraid there won't be much solutions to my problems.

Wish everyone well.

You are taking the most important step: to talk about your problems.

If you feel writing can help you, write whatever you want.

My best hopes, you can overcome that state of mind.

For many of us, this site is our last resort.

 

[Dromond]

Boy howdy, I'm really struggling to cope. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and hopefully get better medication.

 

[SSBHM]

Well, it is 2 in the morning PST time. I'm all alone with a messy mind. Can't even sleep.

I feel ashamed for making a vent comment. But this website is my last resort. Wanted to write an essay about my life. However, it is complicated and don't know how to word it. I'm afraid there won't be much solutions to my problems.

Wish everyone well.

I think or hope it helps to know you're not alone. This is a community that has many caring people. We may not know the answer to the problems anyone may ask, but that won't stop us from feeling like it's important to share our best wishes, and to show that we always care.

This is a fat support or preference community. That probably makes us odd to some extent, in general society's opinion, but I think that the fact that we all have these feelings means there are others' you can tell whatever is on your mind and not feel like there's no one in the world that can understand you.

 

[Dromond]

I have so much on my mind that it's like a log jam. I can't seem to express what is on my mind, but I'm going to try.

First of all, let's talk medication side effects. My psychiatrist tried a couple different anti-psychotics, both of which had terrible side effects. The permanent side effect is serious hand tremors. More like hand quakes. It's probably tardive dyskinesia. At rest, my hands don't shake much. It's when I try to do something with my hands that the trouble starts. It makes typing and writing a trial, not to mention eating. Holding a utensil is an adventure. Just what I needed, yeah?

I saw my psychiatrist this past week, and I'm now on a mood stabilizer (Trileptal). My doctor wanted to get away from anti-psychotics. I will never take another. I'm waiting for my moods to calm down. I know the medication will take a couple of weeks to get to therapeutic strength. So far no side effects.

Next, I feel dead inside. Coping with bipolar mood swings has left me numb. I don't laugh, I don't often smile, and my wit has left me. I know I'm drifting away from people that I like and love, but I don't know how to stop it. It scares me that there will be no one around who cares at the end of my life, because I let them drift away.

I had hopes we'd be over Covid by now, but no. Hiding away from the world only exacerbates my mood problems.

In short, I'm a big mess. I haven't stopped caring, I've just lost the ability to express it.

 

[Angelette]

Dear Dims,

I cried at work today. A SSBHM fresh co-worker scolded me. Even though I tried my very best and I was under stress. I don't think he sees that. Well, I was always the outcast at work anyways. I'm not pretty enough or at hierarchy level to fit in.

I felt depressed afterwards and wrote a will in my head. Funny that I have a lot to say in my mind, yet it's hard to put it together in writing. My life has been in shambles for a while now. I thought I might get out of this hell hole eventually. But it seems it will take an extra few years.

I was very lonely in my bedroom. My only space of peace. Even though I could talk to my online friends. But didn't want to bother them again with my venting.

 

[Colonial Warrior]

Dear Dims,

I cried at work today. A SSBHM fresh co-worker scolded me. Even though I tried my very best and I was under stress. I don't think he sees that. Well, I was always the outcast at work anyways. I'm not pretty enough or at hierarchy level to fit in.

I felt depressed afterwards and wrote a will in my head. Funny that I have a lot to say in my mind, yet it's hard to put it together in writing. My life has been in shambles for a while now. I thought I might get out of this hell hole eventually. But it seems it will take an extra few years.

I was very lonely in my bedroom. My only space of peace. Even though I could talk to my online friends. But didn't want to bother them again with my venting.

If they are friends for real, you don't bother them. Believe me, there are a lot of people here who wants to help you.

Write whatever you want and don't worry about bothering no one.

 

[Angelette]

Dear Dims,

I am crying right now. Scared to come to work tomorrow. Due to getting in trouble from my backwards higher-ups. Even though I didn't do anything wrong. The red vest guy sent me to HR today. I will eventually explain the context of the situation.

Anyways, I don't want to come to work due to all that pressure. But at the same time, I do need the money. I assure I used up my PTO hours and I don't won't to get in trouble with my company. This job has affected my mental health. The other day ago I thought of "disappearing" but I held back.

My only hope in my life to keep me sane are my friends from far away and a guardian angel. Not sure if this counts as depression, but it is mental health related.

 

[MattB]

I've been decent lately. I decided that being retired/working from home hasn't been good for my health, physically or mentally. It was my second attempt at retirement, but I'm just not ready yet for that. My goal was always to be done work before turning 50, but it hasn't been a good idea overall.

So, I took an easy (for me) retail job that gets me out of the house and moving, and is stimulating mentally. I almost had to beg to get hired, as I was ridiculously over qualified, but I told the truth. I needed something to do, and was willing to be a part of a team again rather than being in upper management.

At 48, I'm literally twice the age of most of my co-workers.

Anyways, it's been a couple of weeks and I feel like new. If things go sideways, I can always step back and stay at home again, but for now I have a renewed sense of purpose.

Suck it, depression.

 

[Angelette]

It might be due to being a shut-in and previously out of job. Also having a lack of rl-friends. But I feel like my life is empty and I don't know what I want to do with my life.

Even if I have some dreams, it worries me what happens if I end up not liking that career? Anyways, my mind feels trapped and it seems nothing can make me happy. Even if I complete minor goals such as cleaning the living room, I still feel unsatisfied.

I guess that's the curse of being a z-word.

 

[NZ Mountain Man]

It might be due to being a shut-in and previously out of job. Also having a lack of rl-friends. But I feel like my life is empty and I don't know what I want to do with my life.

Even if I have some dreams, it worries me what happens if I end up not liking that career? Anyways, my mind feels trapped and it seems nothing can make me happy. Even if I complete minor goals such as cleaning the living room, I still feel unsatisfied.

I guess that's the curse of being a z-word.

First and foremost I am sorry you are up against beastly behaviour. I have not read all your posts, just what is on this page.
Did you put your best effort in? It sounds like you did. You cannot exceed your best. If others are saying it was a poor effort then they are wrong. It might be a poor outcome but that is not because of the effort you put in. If you are beating your self up for the outcome and know you did your best then you are becoming your own bully.
If there is room for improvement remember Tomas Edison working on the light bulb. Each failure was establishing what does not work. He worked on finding what does work.
Your dangerous words of "I was writing my will in my mind."
You are seeking an acceptable outcome. Ending your life will disallow you to achieve that. It is not that you are alive causing your time in darkness. It is your lack of acceptance. You must identify that you are acceptable, that you can achieve, repeating the same error will resolve things so seek help to identify the derailment.
It is hard to identify the true issue when you are in the middle of it and a prospectus of someone on the outside seeing ALL the components can come up with resolution.
Hang in there and identify the issues and work them. You the person, are not the issue. Take that off the list to give yourself a chance to succeed.

 

[Angelette]

Well, my silly motivation is aiming to have a big LPS collection. Maybe that will keep me afloat.