I have a problem, and could use some advice. (Or a kick in the butt.)

Discussion in 'BBW/FA Board' started by peterpeterplumpkineater, Oct 25, 2018.

  1. Oct 25, 2018 #1

    peterpeterplumpkineater

    peterpeterplumpkineater

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    Hello ladies,

    I have an odd problem. My partner and I moved in together less than a year ago, into a new house that I bought, after dating for the previous four years. That's not the problem.

    In the last six months -- after we moved in to the new place -- she's lost an awful lot of weight, and that's what I'm struggling with. I just don't find her as attractive as I used to, and when she wears some tight clothing it's just so evident how she's lost weight everywhere. She says that I don't look at her the same way -- the same lustful way -- and she's probably right. I'm sure I don't.

    I know I'm supposed to be happy for her and that when you love someone it's not about what they look like on the outside, but I'm just not as attracted to her as I used to be and I feel trapped after buying the house. Maybe that's what the problem is... that I feel that my options are much more limited than they used to be.

    Anyway, does anyone have any ideas about how I can adjust my attitude and recalibrate what I'm attracted to? I feel like an asshole for being less into her but I don't know how to fix this.

    I'm asking about this on the Dimensions forum because I honestly can't imagine anywhere else that I could raise this and be taken seriously. And I'm posting in the BBW section, because it's a woman's advice that I'm looking for.

    I don't think this is likely to be relevant to your comments, but I've preferred larger women since I started dating in my teens, and I'm more attracted to SSBBWs than BBWs... and my partner knows this.

    Thanks. Please help?
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2018
  2. Oct 25, 2018 #2

    John Smith

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    Well, apparently you're just sound a little selfish... like does practically most humans in general when their partner has physically changed too much for their tastes.
     
  3. Oct 25, 2018 #3

    Dr. Feelgood

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    You can't recalibrate what you're attracted to because it isn't a matter of choice; it's a gut reaction. The more important question is: do you value the relationship you've got enough to stick with it, even though you still -- and probably always will -- fantasize about supersized women?
     
  4. Oct 25, 2018 #4

    McFeisty

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    Here's a BBW's opinion:

    Give yourself some time. Familiarity creates fondness. Have you noticed the better you've gotten to know someone, the more attractive they become? I presume you really love her and want to stay in a relationship with her, so just try to stop dwelling on the changes you don't like, and focus on the things about her that you still like.

    Honestly, this happens in almost all relationships, the honeymoon period or new relationship energy dissipates, and there's less attraction, overall. Maybe it might've happened further down the line if she hadn't lost weight, but it is likely to have happened, no matter what.

    You're not trapped, everything is changeable, and things may not work out for your relationship, but please give it all you've got before deciding that it's over. I give you full credit for wanting to try, and I hope my advice helps.

    Also, almost all people who lose weight gain it back eventually (98%?), so this may end up being a non-issue, at some point.
     
  5. Oct 25, 2018 #5

    Cynthia

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    Your partner is probably making adjustments, too, as she tests the boundaries of her new body. I'll be quite honest... One of the things that I dislike about being fat is the way in which it limits my choices and thwarts my sense of adventure. When it comes to new activities, I have to think in advance about where I'm going to sit, where I'll park, how far will I have to walk, will I be the biggest woman in the room, etc. It gets extraordinarily frustrating. Join your girlfriend in this new experience. Try things with her that she's shied away from in the past, and explore with her as she pushes past old boundaries. You might find unexpected joy in discovering the world with her from a new vantage point.

    Of course, maybe it just won't work out. Perhaps your sexual attraction to her fatness is commingled with other preferences or fears that you haven't fully addressed in your own life. People evolve, and healthy love grows with those changes. Give this a try, but be gentle, honest, and forthright if things still don't feel right. She deserves that respect.
     
  6. Oct 26, 2018 #6

    Funtastic curves

    Funtastic curves

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    Your feelings towards your partner, are they only based off her weight? I ask that because in a relationship, in the beginning, I do believe it's a physical attraction but evolves into more.
    In Your 4year stretch there had to be Many other qualities within your partner to help you decide that she was a keeper. i.e. the way she carries herself, her personality, maybe even the attention she gives to you. hopefully all her other attribute would outweigh her physical. Because our physical appearance are bound to change.

    Have you taken the time to find out why the sudden weight loss? Could it be for health reasons, or could it be to build up her own self esteem, it may even be stress. You may find that once you've communicated with her that her reasons may change your reaction towards her weight loss.

    Bottom line you like what you like but I find it selfish and misleading if your relationship is only based off of her weight.
     
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  7. Oct 27, 2018 #7

    peterpeterplumpkineater

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    Hi everybody, thank you for your comments. Honestly, I wasn't sure what to expect -- that anyone would offer their thoughts, at all -- and I'm really glad that you did. Thank you. I'm honoured.

    John, yes, you're right. I'm selfish.

    Dr. Feelgood, you've got the other end of that. I'm selfish but I like what I like... and probably can't recalibrate that, which frankly worries me.

    McFeisty, I really appreciate your optimism. I'd been with my partner for something like 4 and a half years before we moved in together, so I don't know that I was still in the honeymoon phase. But I like your thinking about fondness and familiarity. I love her, I really do... but I'm just not springing to attention like I used to, and there's other things going on that are wrapped up in that.

    Cynthia, I totally appreciate what you're saying. I get it. But yes maybe there are things in my own life I haven't fully addressed. I'm struggling with all of this. I liked her big ass, her thick arms and her plump thighs... and I love her, but the electricity just isn't as crazy intense as it was. Maybe it is stuff that I need to look into in my past. Sigh. This seems so complicated. BTW, I love your sheep.

    Funtastic, no my feelings aren't only about her size. But yes, in the beginning that was the source of the physical attraction, our awesome chemistry, and the enjoyment and arousal I had kissing every little bit of her body. You're also right that there's a lot more to our relationship than just her body, and yes the weight loss was connected to a health issue... and I feel hugely conflicted about that. You're right, I'm selfish. Our relationship certainly isn't all about her size, but I'm worried about my continued attraction... and that she's noticed I don't react to her the same way. Thank you for your bottom line. I appreciate what you're saying.

    Thank you all.

    I didn't expect this repose and I really appreciate the perspectives you're each offering.
     
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  8. Oct 27, 2018 #8

    happily_married

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    You like what you like, and I believe that is a somewhat natural thing. It’s not something you can just change at the spur of the moment. With that said I firmly believe a person’s preference can evolve over time. You get to a point where the things that make her happy make you happy to and you realize the things you may have thought were important maybe really weren’t as important as you believed them to be.

    Give it time and be as patient, understanding and accommodating as you can. Even if my theory is eventually proven wrong as it applies to you, don’t you want to make every effort to see if it will work?
     
  9. Oct 27, 2018 #9

    OriginalCyn

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    Just a few random thoughts.

    95+% of people cannot keep off weight that they have lost. So the weight may very well return...and then some.

    If she isn't doing this deliberately--you didn't state, outright, that she has gone on a diet--it could indicate a severe illness. If you have not discussed it with her yet, please do so. DO NOT do it from an "I find you less attractive when you're thinner" angle! Instead, inquire about her health. Say that you've noticed that she's lost a bunch of weight, and remind her that unintentional weight loss is often a sign of illness. Play "the concerned partner," even if your heart isn't in it, because she'll be far more likely to accept what you have to say.

    Another issue to keep in mind is that BOTH of you are very likely to lose attractiveness as you age together. What is more-important to you? Having the security of being with someone whom you know well and have been able to build up some mutual sense of trust in a long-term relationship, or getting your rocks off in the moment? If it's the latter, then maybe don't "do" long term relationships in the future. (And expect to probably be alone in your old age.)

    Some relationships can live through just about any change. Years ago, I met a doctor who'd been devoted to his wife for all of their lives together. In the end, she had such severe Alzheimer's that she couldn't even speak, or remember who he was. They used to have a relationship that was highly intellectual, so you can imagine what a horrible loss this was, from his own POV. But now that she's dead, he misses her terribly, even in the mute and oblivious state that she'd been in prior to her death.
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2018
  10. Oct 28, 2018 #10

    Cynthia

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    I'm not a fan of people in the SA community dismissing someone's hard-won body changes (even if they may be temporary) and then confidently predicting that their weight will rebound. While regain is a likely outcome, stating that can seem unsupportive at best and passive aggressive at worst.

    We fat people already endure fake expressions of health-related concern from a thin-obsessed society. We don't need that kind of duplicity from our fat-loving partners, too.
     
  11. Oct 28, 2018 #11

    JDavis

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    If two changes happen at once, then you can't really know what caused the change in your lust. There is good a chance that buying a house is the cause. Security is believed to reduce attraction. I guess if she does gain the weight back and you still feel less attracted then you will know it is that. There is a book on this topic called "Mating In Captivity" that may help you get the feeling back.
     
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  12. Oct 28, 2018 #12

    JDavis

    JDavis

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    Another thought, you said it was your fourth year in the relationship....the fourth year is thought to be the "power struggle" year. You need to learn to work as a team for it to continue. Maybe think about what she brings to your team and how that is valuable to you. That won't help with the sex but it might help with the relationship.

    I am currently in my fourth year on my second big relationship so I feel your pain. I remember the fourth year with my ex of 20 years when we bought a house together. It was rough but we made it through.
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2018
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  13. Oct 29, 2018 #13

    ChubbyPear

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    Peter,

    There are SO many things that can cause this and it's not all about physical attraction. You just bought a house... That's a BIG step! You had a change in relationship status and stability, there may be financial concerns that weren't there before, and you said she does have health issues that are influencing her need to lose weight. Various types of stress can mess with our libidos, male or female. If we see our partner as a source of stress, that can make them less appealing as well. If you are having anxiety, lack of sleep, etc, it could have nothing to do with her at all and be entirely your own chemical composition causing the problem. Are you taking any new meds that could have side effects? If not, maybe there's something you should be taking that would help.

    I recommend you look inside you first. Really try to analyze your overall state of mind and emotions in the past year and try not to consider her physical appearance as you do so. What else has changed? What can you do to alleviate other stressors? Can she help? After that, I think you should pretend the passion if it isn't there. Remember how it was before and behave the same way with her even if you're not feeling that excitement. Acting it out may help you feel it and, even if it doesn't, it will help her and maybe keep your relationship afloat while you figure out what the heck is going on. Add other things that excite you. Surely, her body type is not the only thing that gets your juices flowing? Do you have any kinky interests? Could you add fancy lingerie, toys, games, or roleplay? Maybe a romantic, weekend getaway? Do you love WHO she is or just her plumpness?

    If you conclude that your loss of interest is, truly and solely, based on her weight loss, it could be that you are not cut out for commitment to a long term relationship. Weight fluctuates, especially in women, and your love should be "for bigger or for smaller." Both men and women are going to become less physically attractive with age. You need to love more than the physical form.

    Good luck!!!


     
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  14. Oct 30, 2018 #14

    Jerry Thomas

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    Your problem is really not all that different from somebody who loses interest because their partner has GAINED too much weight (this is the more common situation). People change all the time, one way or another, so your choice is either to accept the change and make the most of your relationship, or try to force her to conform to your preferences and thereby make both of you miserable (and probably ruin the relationship in the process).
     
  15. Nov 16, 2018 #15

    SSBHM

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    One other option.
    Ever consider gaining weight yourself?
    I was thin once upon a time and found I really enjoyed over-eating and gaining.
    Perhaps if you gain, your partner will change their outlook on losing. Or, perhaps you may find that you like being big for both of you.
     

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