Is it harder to come out as an FA or an FFA?

Dimensions Magazine

Help Support Dimensions Magazine:

Nordiques

Active Member
Joined
Dec 26, 2011
Messages
29
Location
,
If you make "coming out" a big deal, then it will be.
Yeah. I suspect that's part of it: it is individually difficult depending on how hard you make it for yourself.

There is some peace of mind that comes with making sure that everyone knows, though, so I wouldn't go as far as to write "coming out" off totally.

Individual circumstances make it an impossible question. It's too hard to theorize what would happen with equally-situated people because none of us have the exact same families, friends, attitudes, etc.

The best thing that can be done is to not make it hard for yourself. Know that people's reactions to you don't change who you are, and shouldn't change what you want. Realize that no matter the consequences, you, too, are doing good: one, for yourself if it makes you feel better to have it out there and two, for all the BHMs/BBWs who doubt that there are people who prefer them the way they are to know that you, in fact, do hold that preference.
 

J34

Purple Monkey Dishwasher!
Joined
Jul 24, 2007
Messages
816
Location
,
It's harder to come out as a female fat admirer. By default, our society makes pretty much everything harder for females than for males (and for queer folk, harder still).

The only mitigating factor is that this same misogyny also works in reverse, meaning that males get a much bigger pass on being able to live their lives as fat people without being accosted and harassed for it all the time, thus making it less objectionable that a female would bond with a fat male than if it were the other way around.
From what I have seen and through experience, this is true. It is an unfair double standard, I believe after time women might get the same "leeway" as men get in dating. As it stands now, women are still seen as "commodities" in the dating world in that that their highest value is their aesthetic appeal. On the other hand for example my best friend is a BHM, and he has no problem getting dates from women.

As a guy, people will always judge your significant other by how they look first. After time most of your friends and family can see past that, but more often than not weight will always be an issue. :mad:
 

liz (di-va)

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2005
Messages
4,108
Location
,
RE: people saying that people are making coming out "a big deal": Some people have to come out - some don't.

Everyone's different. Everyone's lives and cultural expectations and self-imposed limitations and psychic makeup and intensity of preferences and need for self-expression are different. Some people need to come out to come out. Some don't.

I do agree that it shouldn't be a big deal to like fatties! That's a given.

But just because someone struggles with something you didn't doesn't mean they're doing it wrong. I know what a struggle it was for me to find a way to like myself as a fat girl. I know that there can be a struggle with coming out as an FA too. Better to encourage people to do it than to not, I think.
 

BigCutie Ellie

DimensionsModel
Joined
Jul 19, 2013
Messages
276
Location
Ellie Be,
I think it is sad that some people are not able to just love who they love whether the person is fat or thin or tall or whatever race. Society needs to get over their judgement of who is right and who is wrong for people to date and let them just openly be with who their heart leads them too. I hate it when people are judgmental and don't even give me a chance as a person.

Now that I shared my view, unfortunately I personally feel that society seems to be less judgmental from the FFA perspective thinking oh, she just likes teddy bears! For some reason that is more acceptable even though it is not fair.
 

detroit63

Member
Joined
Jul 19, 2007
Messages
7
Location
,
Lately my bbw wife has outed me casually. I actually like it out in the open with our friends, but now feel guilty for not doing it myself. A lot of her friends are larger too.

The younger generation has it easier this way in that they can seek out others with the same interests and not feel isolated. I didn't have anyone with the same preference growing up.
Thank you, internet! I am not weird; I am just a sub-group.
 

LifeTraveller

Sporadic Poster
Joined
May 18, 2010
Messages
256
Location
,
I never even thought about it as being a "coming out" thing. My second girlfriend was a big gal, and I liked it so much I never dated another thin woman. It was no big thang, I just did it.

It helped that I didn't get any blowback from family. My mom was a BBW, and my dad a FA. I guess you could say liking big gals runs in the family.
Pretty much the same experience I had, with a smattering of kronoman's comment. My friends knew the type of girl I liked. .No real problem for me. However, I do understand the intense "peer pressure" placed on people these days. .You have to convince yourself of your preferences first, then you'll have additional strength when being open with others about them.

My late wife had the best outlook on things, and she told me really early in our relationship, "Yeah I'm a fat girl, but I'm still a girl, with the same desires and needs of any other girl. . There's just a lot more of me". Then she'd laugh.. She knew I got it. .
 

amidsttundra

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2013
Messages
54
Location
,
what is this "coming out" which you speak of?
I honestly do not know. I think people with a lack of strength within their own convictions feel this need to "come out." They build it up into this uber big thing that necessitates some grandiose outting instead of, you know, just dating a fat girl.

Just date whoever the hell you want and if people don't like it fuck 'em... who lives their lives vicariously to please peoples or meet expectations?
 

DKnight00

Gamer
Joined
Feb 10, 2013
Messages
146
Location
,
I honestly do not know. I think people with a lack of strength within their own convictions feel this need to "come out." They build it up into this uber big thing that necessitates some grandiose outting instead of, you know, just dating a fat girl.

Just date whoever the hell you want and if people don't like it fuck 'em... who lives their lives vicariously to please peoples or meet expectations?
If you make "coming out" a big deal, then it will be. This whole thing irks the shit out of me. Are we fucking still in high school? Lets call an assembly so one person can fill us in on their sexual preferences. Date who you want and people will take the hint. No need for a sit-down and big reveal.
I'm pretty much on the level with these two comments. If you're in love with someone, male or female, whom happens to be heavy, then that's who you're in love with. If your friend give you a hard time about it, and I mean a REALLY hard time, then kick them to the curb. Usually there will always be some form of peer pressure, people change when they are in groups, and in one instance may never comment on a significant other's appearance, but as soon as the "guys" gather around, may start putting another down. You either kick that attitude to the curb and let them know that won't be tolerated ( I like this way best) , or just walk away.

As adults especially, there really is no need for all that drama. Things are only a big deal based on how you project yourself on certain situations. Let people take advantage of you, in any way shape or form, and you will definitely have a "situation" between friends and family. Keep stern in your beliefs/confident attitude, and there will be little anyone can dish out if at all on you. Basically having them run into a brick wall indefinitely.

It's harder to come out as a female fat admirer. By default, our society makes pretty much everything harder for females than for males (and for queer folk, harder still).

The only mitigating factor is that this same misogyny also works in reverse, meaning that males get a much bigger pass on being able to live their lives as fat people without being accosted and harassed for it all the time, thus making it less objectionable that a female would bond with a fat male than if it were the other way around.
I agree with this as well. Whether or not someone made a big deal about "coming out", the amount of hate there is can sometimes make you sit back and look at the situation as a whole. Big guy ? No problem, there may be a few comments here and there but nothing I feel that would make/break friendships/families.

On the other end however, as a male, you will probably get more flak for dating a fat woman. Just that hate, hate in the media, hate of themselves, hate from other females etc., all festers up, and can really explode without notice. A simple conversation at work, or with a sibling, can turn nasty when they find out what it is you are attracted to. Simply because of what the media or others say what you should like.

I think its great that there are groups cropping up places, such as the RWHC page on facebook, in being able to combat that hate. I think it's run by a male, and periodically has pictures of men with their lovers, going to show that we ARE out there.
 

reuben6380

The Scenaturdist
Joined
Dec 20, 2012
Messages
97
Location
,
..seriously, having a preference for big girls is not a fetish. I like cold pizza, that's not a fetish and i dont need to come out about it either.:D
 

ThisIsBrian

Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2013
Messages
17
Location
,
If you make "coming out" a big deal, then it will be. This whole thing irks the shit out of me. Are we fucking still in high school? Lets call an assembly so one person can fill us in on their sexual preferences. Date who you want and people will take the hint. No need for a sit-down and big reveal.
I honestly do not know. I think people with a lack of strength within their own convictions feel this need to "come out." They build it up into this uber big thing that necessitates some grandiose outting instead of, you know, just dating a fat girl.

Just date whoever the hell you want and if people don't like it fuck 'em... who lives their lives vicariously to please peoples or meet expectations?

I'm a little annoyed to see that people who've never been in in the closet, nor have any external need to be, can speak with such contempt for those who are or have been.

Some people consider killing themselves before they consider coming out of the closet.

The primary reason people are in the closet to begin with is to protect themselves from the ridicule and rejection that comes with being unusual.

I don't know about either of you but some people are raised amongst abusive and judgmental people. Some people have a realistic expectation that revealing their sexual preferences will only gain them further judgement and further abuse. Some people's friends and families will reject them for their sexual orientation.

It's insensitive of you to belittle a conflict you've never endured and to paint yourselves as champions of a struggle you've never overcome.
 

Saoirse

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2009
Messages
3,087
Location
,
I'm a little annoyed to see that people who've never been in in the closet, nor have any external need to be, can speak with such contempt for those who are or have been.

Some people consider killing themselves before they consider coming out of the closet.

The primary reason people are in the closet to begin with is to protect themselves from the ridicule and rejection that comes with being unusual.

I don't know about either of you but some people are raised amongst abusive and judgmental people. Some people have a realistic expectation that revealing their sexual preferences will only gain them further judgement and further abuse. Some people's friends and families will reject them for their sexual orientation.

It's insensitive of you to belittle a conflict you've never endured and to paint yourselves as champions of a struggle you've never overcome.

Being gay is NOT the same as the same as being attracted to fatties. NOT AT ALL.

People have been KILLED for being gay. I went to school with a young man who was MURDERED 5 years ago being he hit on a psycho. Whens the last time we heard about a dude being murdered for liking fat chicks?

Oh thats right, we havent.

So please, for fucks sake, get over this "closet" shit.
 

Gingembre

radar detector
Joined
Apr 7, 2008
Messages
2,792
Location
,
I'll be honest, I don't really get how there even is a closet for this sort of thing. Why do you need to "come out" as a FA/FFA? Do people "come out" about having a preference for different races/hair colours? Just date the people you want to date. IMO there's only a closet if you've built it yourself. And I agree that being a F(F)A has no comparison to being gay.
 

ThisIsBrian

Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2013
Messages
17
Location
,
Being gay is NOT the same as the same as being attracted to fatties. NOT AT ALL.

People have been KILLED for being gay. I went to school with a young man who was MURDERED 5 years ago being he hit on a psycho. Whens the last time we heard about a dude being murdered for liking fat chicks?

Oh thats right, we havent.

So please, for fucks sake, get over this "closet" shit.

If I had ever once made the comparison between being gay and liking fat women your argument would be relevant but I didn't, so it's not. You've addressed nothing I said and then you make the strongest case I've ever heard for someone staying in the closet.

Gay or straight, if you've never been in, or felt compelled to stay in, the closet maybe you should shut the fuck up on the matter. You don't know what you're talking about.
 

liz (di-va)

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2005
Messages
4,108
Location
,
All you people who scream THERE IS NO CLOSET! need to shut up and stop invalidating the experiences of both FAT WOMEN and FAs out there who are talking about it.

If you've never experienced the closet? You're lucky. If you've experienced it but didn't realize it? You're lucky there too (possibly).

The point being: shut up and listen. You're shitting all over experiences and decisions that have far-reaching, lifelong effects.

The closet is a real place. Not everyone even thinks to live their life so they know it's there, but many people do - many people can even now build very customized versions of it for themselves in 2014.

We fat women/people are told we are disgusting, asexual, unhealthy, bombs of early death. When you discount what it takes for some people to overcome to act on their preferences for this you are discounting MY EXPERIENCES AS A FAT WOMAN. And all the shitty miserable things that closeted behavior inflicts.

The closet is real. And the need to come out for some people is real too. Stop trashing other people's lives and their struggles, and support them. I don't mean you should support bad closeted behavior, but acknowledge the systemic problems that are in place that affect ALL OF US.
 

Saoirse

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2009
Messages
3,087
Location
,
The "closet" terminology is borrowed from gay culture, so when you use it you need to be aware of what you're implying. Simply saying "coming out of the closet" is drawing an analogy with gays.
yes this. thank you.
 

Saoirse

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2009
Messages
3,087
Location
,
We fat women/people are told we are disgusting, asexual, unhealthy, bombs of early death. When you discount what it takes for some people to overcome to act on their preferences for this you are discounting MY EXPERIENCES AS A FAT WOMAN. And all the shitty miserable things that closeted behavior inflicts.

The closet is real. And the need to come out for some people is real too. Stop trashing other people's lives and their struggles, and support them. I don't mean you should support bad closeted behavior, but acknowledge the systemic problems that are in place that affect ALL OF US.
Uhm hello, fat woman talking here. How did I discount experiences of fat chicks? Oh, I didnt. Maybe "shitty closeted behavior" would cease to exist if we stopped wasting so much time on this closet and the need to get out of it.
 

liz (di-va)

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2005
Messages
4,108
Location
,
Maybe "shitty closeted behavior" would cease to exist if we stopped wasting so much time on this closet and the need to get out of it.
You are making my point for me: the closet EXISTS.

And you and I agree: it SHOULDN'T.

We don't move forward by pretending it doesn't exist, though.

Onward and fucking upward.
 

Saoirse

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2009
Messages
3,087
Location
,
fake it till you make it... IT DOESNT EXIST! *poof* it doesnt exist.


its not hard.


but people are so fucking whiny about it.
 
2

Latest posts

Group builder
Top