Jokes, anyone?

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Ataru

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Apr 6, 2006
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Alright, whenever we're sitting around at break, we swap jokes at work. I've been running out of material and was wondering if anyone else had some good ones (Clean or dirty, doesn't matter anyway. I work at a factory. =P ) to share.
I'll start:

A magician gets a job on a cruise ship. In the front row of the audience is the captain, and on the captain's shoulder is a parrot.

After a few days of doing his act, the magician starts getting heckled by the parrot, who spouts off the magician's secrets during the act.

"It's in his sleeve!"

"His assistant has it!"

"It's behind his back!"

That night, the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. The magician wakes up a few days later floating on a piece of driftwood.

On the other end of the driftwood, the parrot is sitting.

For two or three days, the two of them just stare at each other. Don't say anything, don't do anything, just stare at each other all mad.

Finally the parrot goes, "I give up. Where's the boat?"

~A
 

Janet

Incredible Edibles
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Dec 30, 2005
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A guy goes into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

He's munching on the free snacks and drinking his beer when he hears, "Nice shoes".

He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to drinking his beer and nibbling. In a few minutes, he hears, "Nice pants".

Again he looks around, but there's no one there. Just about the time he's relaxed again, he hears, "Nice belt".

This time, when he looks around, there's still no one there, so he turns to the bartender. "Hey, it's weird, but I'm hearing voices. Did you hear anything?"

To which the bartender replies, "Oh, that. It's the nuts......








they're complimentary!"

:D :D :D
 

goldenzim

Just a boy
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Jan 26, 2006
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Location
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This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
the shit hit the fan?"
 
Joined
Apr 11, 2006
Messages
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Location
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My best jokes and puns, reserved for only the most...ah...appriciatve company. :D

Two guys walk into a bar...
>>The third one ducked. <<

What'd the fist say when it ran into the wall?
>>Damn!<<

What did the tailor say when he pricked his finger?
>>Darn!<<

What do ya do when your nose goes on strike?
>>Pick-it, of course!<<

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
>>If it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan.<<

I have more, but why inflict the pain? :rolleyes:
 

Dr. Feelgood

intellectual nerd
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Dec 20, 2006
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Four retirees -- a former banker, lawyer, doctor, and anthropologist -- were in the habit of having coffee together on Saturday mornings. At these sessions the other three urged the anthropologist to tell stories of the strange people and customs he'd encountered. One morning he talked about the custom of grave goods: putting useful objects for the afterlife into the grave of the deceased. "This will sound funny, " he said, "but I really believe in this. And I would like to ask you, my three best friends, to each put $100 into my casket when I am buried. Since he appeared to be in perfect health, the other three rather sheepishly agreed. Two weeks later the anthropologist was dead. As the three friends stood by his casket, the banker shook his head. "This is silly, " he said, "but I did promise. And he put a hundred-dollar bill into the casket. "A promise is a promise," said the doctor, as he put in another $100 bill, "no matter how silly." "I don't think it's silly." said the lawyer, as he removed the two bills and put in a check for $300.
 

Joker

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Clarksville TN
Dan, the doctor, was driving on the New York State Throughway one foggy evening when he suddenly both heard and felt an impact. He pulled over to the side of the road, put his emergency flashers on, and went back to investigate. He saw that he had hit a large pig that had evidently escaped from a farm. He couldn't call anyone because he was in the middle of nowhere and could not get any signal on his cell phone. The pig lied on its side, breathing heavily, but breathing nonetheless. Since it was too big to lift and put in the car, Dan walked back to his car and drove away. Imagine Dan’s surprise when, the next morning, his doorbell rang and 2 New York State Troopers greeted Jane at the door. Jane called Dan to the door as they told him that they had heard that he had struck an animal with his car and had left the scene of an accident. As Dan began to relate the series of events leading up to and after the incident had occurred, he realized that there hadn't been anyone around to witness it. Dan then asked one of the officers how they found out that it was he who had hit the unfortunate animal. The officers looked at each other, then at me and with as much gravitas as they could muster, replied "the pig squealed!”
 
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