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Lonely FFA needs advice on meeting BHMs

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Hi, my name is Chandi and I am an FFA with an avowed love of Big Handsome Men. I do not hide the fact that I prefer big men, to anyone ever. I am reasonably attractive, clean and generous towards BHMs that I date, but here's my problem: Everytime I see a cute fat guy or talk to one, I always either say nothing at all or something so incredibly stupid that if he was interested in talking more to me, he isn't anymore. I also was a big lady at one time and still view myself as a large woman (even though I'm so toned now that you can feel most of my bones and muscles and can shop at damn near any store I want).

I know those of you who are BBWs love your size and I'm cool as hell with that, but it wasn't for me due to my lifestyle, and so I lost the weight. Problem is that I look in the mirror and see the old me, and that brings me right back to hgh school and all the taunts about my size, the way my mother made me dress, having to go to prom alone (I didn't even have friends to go with) the nonexistence of my dating life as a teenage-early twentysomething, getting "hogged", couch-dating, and the general hell of being a young fat woman, and that all of a sudden makes me blather like a moron or not say anything. I have lost a lot of dating chances this way.

Please, someone tell me how to get over my irrational fear of tallking to cute fat guys, and when I finally do talk to them, how do I keep from blathering like a fool?

Any help from anyone of either gender would be appreciated.

Thank you for all responses!

+PMK+
 

LillyBBBW

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Hi, my name is Chandi and I am an FFA with an avowed love of Big Handsome Men. I do not hide the fact that I prefer big men, to anyone ever. I am reasonably attractive, clean and generous
I wish I could help you Chandi. I can talk to anybody EXCEPT the person I'm attracted to. It's like my IQ suddenly drops to below freezing. :confused: A friend of mine suggested that I pretend he's only 8, smile and say, "Mornin' Sweetie!" I haven't tried it yet.
 

StridentDionysus

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Wingmen, an Ace is nothing without his wingmen :D. Or at least get some friends with you when you meet a guy. I know I'm WAAAY more open when a friend brings a cute girl that when I'm just alone with said girl, that way next time I already know she is cool and I can be myself while we're alone :p.
 

Big-Phil

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Well my advice is to continue saying things to BHMs, since most of us never know if women are interested in them unless they speak to you.

Women smile at me all of the time, but does that mean they are interested or not?

Women make small talk when I am commuting to my office on the Underground, it is these women who I assume are always more interested in me.


Phil
 

stefanie

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Women smile at me all of the time, but does that mean they are interested or not?
Phil
It's a pretty good assumption... ; )

Power_Metal_Kitsune: I think a lot of the initial attraction between men and women is nonverbal - face, eyes, smile, body language. If a woman makes eye contact with a man, and smiles, that usually means she's interested. That's where some guys get nervous - do I smile back? Say something? What do I say?

If you're not confident in the first few seconds of connecting with a guy, he will sense that. Then he won't reinforce you - and you will feel less confident. And if he doesn't feel confident himself, then most likely, nothing will happen. These unconscious "decisions" all happen in a matter of a few seconds.
 

LillyBBBW

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Well my advice is to continue saying things to BHMs, since most of us never know if women are interested in them unless they speak to you.

Women smile at me all of the time, but does that mean they are interested or not?

Women make small talk when I am commuting to my office on the Underground, it is these women who I assume are always more interested in me.


Phil
The smile is usually how you start that conversation in the first place. You smile, he smiles back, you say something, he says something and from there you can feel things out to see if he's open to conversation. Sometimes he is but it may only mean that he's a nice guy. Sometimes the lady is just friendly and that's all. *shrugs* There's no formula but in general it all starts with a smile and the first step is always the hardest.

You're hot by the way. :)
 

Arrhythmia

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Power_Metal_Kitsune: I think a lot of the initial attraction between men and women is nonverbal - face, eyes, smile, body language.
Body Language!
It is definitely more important than what comes out of someone's mouth. I did a speak on it in college and it is that language that I read more than anything else.

Take a look at the hands -- are they open? That means they are receptive to you or anything you have to say.

The arms -- are they crossed? Mmmmm....they may not be interested or putting up a wall until they are sure about you.

The legs -- bouncing up and down? This child is nervous and probably interested. Are they crossed at the ankle? Crossed toward you or away from you? Towards you usually means "Yes." Away usually means, "Nope."

Body Language is an awesome way of communicating and should be "listened" to more often. :)
 

Admiral_Snackbar

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I would say that some BHMs may be as nervous and socially awkward as you are in the same situation. If I rewinded back 15 years ago, I wouldn't know a come-on for anything more than being friendly.

I look back now and realize that many of the lady friends I had were interested in me for more than friendship, and the fact that as my wife points out, I still don't notice when a woman is hitting on me. I've always been a remedial student when it comes to interpreting non-verbal cues. I heard the hair flip thing is a sign of interest, but I must always be around women when the wind is blowing, because I know that's not the case.

Relax. Be friendly. Strike up a conversation. Don't confuse enthusiasm or awkward verbal faux pas for him being some sort of perv; some of us don't have a lot of experience talking to the female gender, so unless we start like a speed freak with Tourettes, assume that our 'err''s are just an effect of being amazed at your awesomeness.

I will supply one caveat, and again, your mileage may vary: Hostility may be encountered, and some of it is justified on the part of a BHM. Some of us in the past (not all) have been burned by the fake-out where a cute girl's friend dares her to hit on a fat guy or to play the "I'm interested" game. Soon enough follows the ultimate put down and then they laugh and laugh and laugh. It happened to me enough to contribute to the immediate distrust of ANY cute girls in thinking they would be attracted to me or would hit on me for something other than biology tutoring or a car jump start. I would venture the ladies here to some degree have experienced the same from the male side. People can be right bastards sometimes.

It hurt painfully in the beginning, created a lot of distrust and resentment, but over time I became skilled enough at identifying it from the start and thus I was forced lash out against them using horribly unspeakable non-c-word-utilizing verbal abuse to the extent that their lady parts dried up like desert corn husks and they curled into a fetal position much like the one they assume at night after smelling like cheap perfume, cigarette smoke and failure.

If the hostility is encountered, be patient, be honest and let them realize you are the RealDeal(tm).

Good lord I feel so lemony this morning :)
 

SnapDragon

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With regard to being big as a teenager, and not having any relationships in your teens and early twenties, I was there too, and I have been as thin as a rake all my life. I used to blame it on being thin, having Asperger's syndrome, never meeting anyone I was attracted to, all sorts of things. I suppose I might just as well blame my lack of success on all those ridiculous 'chain letter' things people kept giving me, and I kept tearing up. I think the only real advice I can give is to keep trying, and remember that every failure is a bit more practice. The first boy I liked I flirted with, and he flirted back, but I was too embarrassed and inexperienced to know what to do next, and then he went, and now he's engaged with a kid. The second man I liked hummed and hawwed, and eventually I asked him outright and he said no, and I felt stupid about that, but at least I knew and could move on. I lusted after a man who was way out of my league, and then the next one I went out with for 2 1/2 years before deciding he wasn't right for me, and more recently I ran afoul of an extremely sexy man who was asexual, and had my attention caught by a man who turned out to be married. I suppose I'll just have to keep trying until I either succeed or die, and that would have to be my recommendation to everyone else.

Good luck, and remember, when things don't work out, don't fall into the trap of thinking it's your fault. In retrospect, I've realised there are a lot of fools out there, and a lot of people who don't even know what they want themselves.

-SnapDragon.
 

HDANGEL15

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I cAN'T tell you how much I relate to your ENTIRE POST. If I scrolled back to last year, I would find one that I started JUST LIKE THIS ONE LOL. I was pissed at myself as I was out at a club to hear a specific band that I LOVED, and i was standing RIGHT NEXT to a very handsome tattoed BHM ALL NITE LONG..we never exchanged a word, he was with his buddy, I was with mine.... I WAS JUST FROZEN like a deer in headlights, he was my age, we obviously had a ton in common ...and I couldn't just start in.

I won't let that happen ever again though, trust me, LIFE IS SHORT, YOU HAVE TO LIVE each day to the fullest. The deal is..nothing ventured, nothing gained. WHats the chance you will ever see that guy again..you know? I changed my careers this year, and it opened me up to being VERY VERY OPEN with people and friendlier then the norm.

ps...i was chubby all my life, until i finally quit the roller coaster ride at 5 feet tall and 195 and lost 80#, I have gained alot since then (15 yrs ago) and continue to struggle with my weight...but if nothing else THIS BOARD HAS TAUGHT ME...MEN LIKE WOMEN WITH CURVES.......alot!!!!!!!!! LOLOl...so next time...swallow, breathe and SMILE SMILE SMILE and you may just suprise yourself ...I'm on the same line you are gf...you go!!!!!!!
:p
 

Tad

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I heard an art teacher being interviewed once, and he said if you draw something for him, he can almost always tell at what age you stopped drawing regularly, because your drawing technique/ability has stayed frozen there.

I think much the same applies for meeting/flirting/dating. So if you never really did any, you never developed those skills. So think of yourself as a twelve year old in this department, and your problems make sense.

The good news is that you can develop those skills a LOT faster than people typically do in adolescence. Your brain is fully developed, and you have more years of experience with yourself and with others to draw on.

I'd say all of the advice in this thread was good, and there are also books and websites full of tips, techniques, and pep talks, and those may help as well. After that, all I'd say is practice meeting strangers, smiling at them, starting a conversation. It may still be harder when dealing with someone in whom you are interested, but if your general skills are better developed, that will help some.

Best of luck!

Regards;

-Ed
 

Molly

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Gosh, I sympathize completely.

I can barely speak to anyone that I find attractive! I suffer from major confidence issues that are rooted in silly old high school problems. Its funny how that period of your life sticks to you. I did find someone (and married him) but it hasn't changed my shy awkwardness very much.

What I've found most helpful for gaining confidence is to go places that make you feel really good and comfortable. When you are having a great time, people notice and are drawn to your positive attitude. When I feel confident and happy enough, I can talk to just about anyone.

So, for instance, if you love to dance, go out with some pals and just have lots of fun and laugh. If you see anyone interesting, smile at them and have a good time. Don't be afraid to be friendly!

My other advice is to just be yourself, and be honest. If you find your vocabulary plummeting or that you just keep rambling, you could just try saying something like "Sorry I am rambling, I am just a little shy in front of handsome men."
Its ok to admit it. Besides the other 80% of people are not smooth talkers either so why not point it out and see if you share that in common?

I don't know if that helps, but good luck!
 

BoostChub

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As shy as you are...if you really like someone then let them know. Ask to get coffee sometime or grab some lunch ect ect. The big guys will dig that....better to try than to not try at all. Be yourself and if they are interested in ya they'll see past your shyness :)

K
 

rabbitislove

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If anything, Im always acting silly around BHM when I like them, which doesn't work for me, since they like me when I act casual and nobodys attractive when their trying to impress. I'm horribly awkward, plus my love of their soft bodies throws my pheromones a curve ball.

However, I think you need to keep looking within yourself to find self esteem, otherwise you'll never find anyone if you don't truly love yourself. Then once you've mastered that (through counseling, meditation, daily affirmations) go out and flirt with BHM. The best thing about being alive are that BHMs are EVERYWHERE! Live it up. And remember.

Your body is amazing. Don't forget to thank it for all it does for you

Love
 

Dr. P Marshall

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boy, can I understand what you mean. I'm shy with guys I like too. Not to mention I can't flirt my way out of a paper bag and need to be hit over the head with a sign for me to get it that a guy is interested. (Probably why I've been single for 3 years) So, if you ever figure it out, let me know. I'm also starting to think that if we're all shy and the BHM are for the most part shy it's more amazing when we do get together. OK. This has depressed me and I will stop thinking about it now.
 

The_Hero

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I heard an art teacher being interviewed once, and he said if you draw something for him, he can almost always tell at what age you stopped drawing regularly, because your drawing technique/ability has stayed frozen there.

I think much the same applies for meeting/flirting/dating. So if you never really did any, you never developed those skills. So think of yourself as a twelve year old in this department, and your problems make sense.


Interesting theory, so my dating age is just after the point the girls are icky?

Seriously I talk a good game, am not remotely shy that way, but beyond that I quickly lose interest. My last girlfriend disapproved of my friends and our hobbies (I'm a gamer and damn proud of it for over 26 years) and I laid it down. Saying my friends are like my family, (I don't have any living relatives left that I care about) and they aren't going anywhere. When we broke up, I was like "Ok, whatever."
 

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