Long Distance Relationships... some thoughts

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I was just thinking about my life today morning and I noticed that one of my most important relationships were over seas one. So I relized that it could be nice to share my thoughts with you folks and see what others are thinking of it. So... when I got internet good few years ago (I mean broadband not dialup where you are charged per minute) I started to surf online for BBW/FA related stuff. I got myself mIRC and started to chat on various channels on Dal Net. That times you could find a lot of very alive places there with many chatters. So for some reason - I still can't find why... I started to chat online with one girl from Canada. She was bit older than me (4 years) and something clicked between us. First we were only chatting on Dal Net but then it turned to MSN and Yahoo... I still remeber waking up in middle of the night to chat with her - blame time difference. We've been chatting about everything, using webcam and so... just time was passing so quickly. After a good while relationship topic came up and it ended up that we will be together. I know it's strange when you never see person before in real life but well... tell that to 19 yo guy ;) So i booked tickets to fly over to her place to see her. I've been waiting for that so much collecting every penny to afford living 1 month abroad. And then that day came - I flew over to Toronto. After spending over 2h on checkin I was pretty sure that nobody will wait for me there... plane was on time and I wasn't. Fortunately I was wrong... I still remeber how stressed I was going thru the doors to arrivals hall ;) And then I saw her.... she was looking exactly as I imagined myself looking at her pics... lovely and pretty... and I don't need to add BBW :) First we were very shy but after a while we've been chatting a lot like we've known eachother for good few months... which was actually true. We spent wonderful month together in Canada going places together, visiting her family - they were one of the most wonderful people I ever met... so friendly, so helpful, so nice. We had wonderful together. When I was leaving we were all crying... I know its bit pathetic but hey that happened ;) When I was back we still were chatting online a lot and so... but after few months I realized that lack of close contact is killing us. I mean not only sex(but it was issue as well) but mostly everyday things like going places, cuddling etc. I was in the college and there was no way I could move to Canada in at least next 3 years... I know you can say I could try harder but well .... it's past. So our relationship ended.... We are still very good friends, right now she is close to get married with other guy - and I feel very happy for her because she is very good person and he seems to be good guy as well. We still have very good memories from our relationships and never considered it as wasted time.
So what were your experiences with LDR? How long they lasted? How did you met? Do you think that they usually fail or no?
 

Paw Paw

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Now, that is a post!!

Kinda sad, but aint it all? Thanks for sharing. I am in an LDR, but nowhere near the distance you had. It is still early, so I will have to let you know how it goes. For us the time difference works pretty good. (3hrs)


Peace,
2P.
 

Butterbelly

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I've been in three long-distance relationships. The first was a guy I met in college. He was originally from Canada and would move back to Canada during the summer months or at Christmas break. I always missed him terribly when he left, but realized that it was only for a few months. I handled the distance between us the best way I could. Eventually, we became engaged and he graduated from college. Instead of staying with me, he chose to move back to Canada while trying to get a "work visa." This resulted in not seeing him but once or twice a year. I couldn't handle it and the relationship/engagement fell apart.

The second long-distance relationship was fantastic. He lived a little over an hour from me, and we saw each other often. After he finished up his graduate studies, he took a fellowship in Connecticut and thus resulted in us being several hours away from each other. I flew out to see him twice in four months, but I began to notice that I was emotionally having a difficult time with the situation. His fellowship was a year-long endeavor. Midway through the fellowship, I had to call it quits. I felt the relationship was drifting in different directions, and we were both busy and focusing on careers. However, after the fellowship he and I tried dating again...but it failed.

The third long-distance relationship was the most emotionally and mentally draining relationship I've ever been in. We lived 4 hours from each other, saw each other once or twice a month...but it was very difficult for there to be a lasting connection between us.
 

RedVelvet

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I have done the NY/LA thing...for years.


Don't even consider it unless you have wads of cash, lots of free time, and an ability to eat from an empty plate and drink from an empty cup.

Prepare to isolate yourself without noticing.

...you will save your money, your "good clothes", your holidays and your best self for tiny snatches of time, leaving stretches of emotional desert in between....in spite of being smart and telling yourself you wont do that...

NOT for the faint of heart.
 

Aurora

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All I've ever had have been long distance relationships, save for a couple very short flings.

My first never experienced real life - it was a strictly online relationship that lasted 6 months. I think I was 14-15. Too young.

The second one I had was with a guy I started talking to online and we ended up staying together for three years. He was around 350 pounds. He lived on the opposite end of the state and we saw each other every two or three months, usually for a week at a time, and one time for a whole month. I gradually realized he just wasn't the sort of man I wanted to spend my life with, along with some other factors centered around emotional manipulation (I wouldn't go so far as to say abuse), and I guess I broke his heart, not long after I graduated high school. He's been engaged twice since then.

I spent my first two years of college infatuated with a Canadian man I still hold feelings for. I was so obsessed with him that I got on a greyhound bus, 30 hours there, 30 hours back, to spend three days with him in the flesh. My feelings were largely unrequited though, and it's been really hard moving on from that. He came to visit me last August. We're still very good friends, and he's the reason I'm not monogamous right now.

Which brings me to my current man, Matt. I've known both the above and current men since I first discovered the bbw/fa when I was 17 and still with my high school boyfriend (who was not really an FA). Matt lives in California and I'm in Minnesota. He took the initiative and came to visit me late spring of last year and we really hit it off. We've been together in real life a few times, largely due to his deep pockets. Even though I'm really into him and can see myself with him down the road, I'm not ready to settle down into one monogamous relationship yet. There's too much I'd like to experience of life while I'm still young. He's my main squeeze and my photographer though, and I hope to always have him close in my life. :)

My heart is still open to loving others, and I do have friends with benefits, though I'm really quite picky. I would honestly prefer to hook up with a couple women around my age as I'm bi-curious and eager to explore that side of myself.

So there's my story. Thanks for the opportunity!

~Aurora
 

Lady Bella UK

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I'm in a long distance relationship and it is so, so, hard at times; I concur with you all. When I have had a bad day I can call him but it is not the same as feeling his touch or seeing his smile.

When I see him again it is like no time has passed at all, it is so magical. But then we have to leave again and it makes me so sad...I'm so determined to make it work though.

Wishing all you other lovely people success in any long-term relationships you may have!

Bella xXx
 

Trisha

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I spent nine months of my life that I'll never get back in a long-distance relationship. I'm the the US, he was in Ireland. We met through Linda's Big Connections (which is Chicago-based, what this guy from Ireland was doing on it I'll never know) and hit it off quite well...him being an FA and me a SSBBW. We began talking online in February, and in March I lashed out and bought a plane ticket To Dublin. I wasn't going until October however, and I don't recall the reason why the long wait. Anyway, on Labor Day weekend, I got an email from him stating that he'd knocked up some other girl and 'WE' as I knew it were over. So I had only 6 weeks or so to decide if I was going to go and try to have a good time, or waste a $600 plane ticket and stay home.

I went. I got to see a breathtakingly beautiful country full of fascinating people and places. I made him spend a shitload of money taking me places. (Yes, you may find it a bit odd but I stayed at his house while I was there. They were not living together at that time.) We had a tearful goodbye at the airport and I returned home regretting nothing about the trip except for my own stupidity that I allowed myself to get in so deep with someone I'd not met. I'm certain that he lied to me about a great deal more than I am even aware of, perhaps even about the existance of this child he supposedly fathered. I no longer care.

Some time later, I met my fiance through Yahoo Personals. We lived an hour's drive apart for the first nearly two years of our relationship, which was very very difficult much of the time but manageable. We're now together and only 4 months away from our wedding day.

Short story long, LDR's CAN work but there has to, HAS TO be a face-to-face meeting as soon as possible...you cannot truly know someone until you have been in their physical presence, breathed the air they breathe, felt their touch and looked in their eyes and seen the truth that lies there (or the LIES that live there).

Best of luck to all who are enduring an 'ocean's apart' relationship. If it's meant to be, it will be.
 

supersoup

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i'm of the persuasion that anything can work if you try.

i've done the long distance thing, and it worked for us because we made it work. anything can happen, it's all in how you see it and handle it.
 

UberAris

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i'm of the persuasion that anything can work if you try.

i've done the long distance thing, and it worked for us because we made it work. anything can happen, it's all in how you see it and handle it.
She got it right on there.

I've been in a LDR a year as of the 24th of this month, and its work because we've worked at it, and we made it work. No we didn't get to see each other as much as we wanted, but she came out to see me for our first date and stayed for 3 days (more less), I went to see her a few months later for about 4-5 days, then she came for my birthday in febuary and stayed for a week. and she stayed a few weeks in January for a College visit. so its not been so lonely.
 

saturdayasusual

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So what were your experiences with LDR? How long they lasted? How did you met? Do you think that they usually fail or no?
She got it right on there.

I've been in a LDR a year as of the 24th of this month, and its work because we've worked at it, and we made it work. No we didn't get to see each other as much as we wanted, but she came out to see me for our first date and stayed for 3 days (more less), I went to see her a few months later for about 4-5 days, then she came for my birthday in febuary and stayed for a week. and she stayed a few weeks in January for a College visit. so its not been so lonely.
The relationship I'm in now (with Uberaris :wubu: ) is the first serious AND long distance relationship I've been in. We met here on Dimensions. As he said, it's almost been a year now, and we've made it work. Relationships are something you have to put effort into anyway, but in a LDR, it's even more so. You have to be able to put in a great amount of trust and honesty or in the long run it will fail. I've also realized that you have to, above all, communicate. It's important to be on the same page as your SO. My biggest challenge has been dealing with the loneliness when we're not able to see each other for long periods of time. I know that what's helped me through those times is knowing that we'll be together a lot of the time soon (college this fall), and the hope that eventually we'll be living together permanently. The whole thing is very trying at times, but if you're with someone who is worth it, then it's really not so bad.
 

Krissy12

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As shown by many people here on Dims, LDRs can work. I'd be curious to see a list of all the happy couples who met here.

As long as there is communication and honesty, it can definitely work...as in any relationship. That and thank goodness for free nights and weekends. :)
 

Bagalute

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My current relationship and the one before are both LDR's with more than 5 hour drives by car or train. They also are the only relationships that lasted longer than 3 months or so but I'd rather blame my age for that (23 now and started the first of the LDR's with 17 then had a short break of maybe 2 months when it was over and started the next with 21). It obviously can be a pain in the ass many a times but hey - as long as the alternative is not being with her at all I'll hit the next train any time ;)
Time with friends and money are overrated, right? :wubu:
 

activistfatgirl

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I worry a lot about being in a LDR. I worry about it because I wouldn't say "no" if the time came and I met someone that made it worth it. I would love to be anti-ldr, but who can reason with the heart? Not me!

My main concern is that LDRs make it very easy for people to get swept into the fantasy that your partner is the perfect match for you, and really, a long distance love is sort of uber-romantic. The longing, wistful stares over the vast expanse, the missed text messages and emails (or the very long emails that dive into your every thought), the daily updates "my cat was so cute today!", the gifts sent via post, etc--these are all things that might happen in the course of an in-person relationship but become ultimately heightened and start earlier in these baby LDRs. The daily abscence of your partner makes you desire them more, and conveniently not ever have to deal with their faults. And this is all before going into the trust issues!

These concerns are real, but I don't disagree with anyone that they can work with attention, for the right person, with in-person meetups early and often, with good communication. God save us all.
 

Bagalute

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and really, a long distance love is sort of uber-romantic.
so is Valentine's day, 95% of all hollywood movies (don't get me started on bollywood ;) ), the "true love can wait" campaigns and the belief that there is the one right person for you in life... :D (maybe I should add an IMO here since I don't want to insult anybody who thinks differently).

let's face it - our concept of love in the western world came up in the romantic era which actually isn't too long ago. During the 20th century mobility has become a big issue and it is not rare for someone having to be perfectly flexible in terms of where to live when he wants to get a job he's qualified for. You add all the new possibilities of communication and all those LDR's start to make sense (at least to me ;) )
 

Paw Paw

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so is Valentine's day, 95% of all hollywood movies (don't get me started on bollywood ;) ), the "true love can wait" campaigns and the belief that there is the one right person for you in life... :D (maybe I should add an IMO here since I don't want to insult anybody who thinks differently).

let's face it - our concept of love in the western world came up in the romantic era which actually isn't too long ago. During the 20th century mobility has become a big issue and it is not rare for someone having to be perfectly flexible in terms of where to live when he wants to get a job he's qualified for. You add all the new possibilities of communication and all those LDR's start to make sense (at least to me ;) )

I follow you. She wants to move from where she is. I want to see if it is what we think it is. Then I can transfer almost anywhere in the country.

Peace,
2P.
 

BeautifulPoeticDisaster

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So what were your experiences with LDR? How long they lasted? How did you met? Do you think that they usually fail or no?
I'm not sure about statistics about "usually failing", but I know one that has worked:wubu:

Brace yourselves everyone....I'm going to tell it again:D

Mike and I met online ages ago. Around 1998 or 1999 I made my first presence online known through Dimensions (I was under a different name so most wouldn't know me:D ) And I also had a Yahoo "club" remember those days?!?!?! I also had a very innocent geocities page which is still avail but half broken and unfixable, lol.

He contacted me via yahoo. I was about 20 or so and he was about 18 or 19. (LEGAL, lol!!) I ignored him though cos I had tons of guys IMing me all the time and it was a bit overwhelming...he was just another guy and got lost amongst the other fish in the sea.

Fast forward to 2004. He found me again somehow (I wasn't active on Dim at the time) and he messaged me again on Yahoo. At first I though he was some Scottish dude I chatted off and on with and I spent the first hour winding him up before I realised I had mixed it up, lol.

We then chatted nearly every night (for me as I was in Idaho) and every (morning for him as he is in England). We got to know each other very well and built up that sorta best friend type trust. It wasn't romantic at all...just someone to talk to. He had his life and I had mine.

Fast forward through some unnecessary drama and we arrive at the end of 2005. Mike and I had stopped chatting in late Feb/early March at the request of his then girlfriend (fair enough). In late 2005 I got an email from him asking for a pic cos he wanted to put one up on Dim and I told him if he thought I was going to let him slip through my fingers now that he was single, he was crazy, I knew what a good catch he was. Afterall he had been there to make me laugh and listen when I was heartbroken.

It was decided that he would come out to see me in Feb to see if we did have any chemistry. We chatted even more after that decision was made. Every evening he would call me when I got home from work and then we would chat for 3 hours. After a while, the I love you's came.

Fast forward to Feb 8, 2006. It's 11:58pm and I am waiting nervously at the Boise airport for a guy I loved in my dreams, but the reality was, we had never met before and men scare me (ISSUES!! lol)

He walked through the gate and my heart was pounding in my throat...there he was...tired from the flights and smiling from ear to ear. He walked as fast as he could towards me....he embraced me and gave me the most passionate kiss of my life. It was disorienting to hear him talk, even though I had spoke to him on the phone everyday, he still sounded a bit "weird" lol.

It was a great 12 days. At first it was awkward....a stranger (so to speak) in my bed, lol. We waited 4 days to "show our love" lol. I also took him up to meet my parents because before I had met him I felt that he was the one for me.

He came out to see me 5 more times that year...the last being the time he came to get me and bring me over to England.

One of those times we went to San Diego together, where he proposed in the sea, on one knee:)

It's a fat girls fairy tale.....

Now...let me tell you the shit parts....

When life is getting you down and you are sobbing yourself to sleep, you will hate him for not being there to hold you and tell you it will be ok.

When life is going great and you want to share it with someone, you will be sad that he is missing that part of your life.

When you see your friends all coupled off, you will get that icky single feeling of being the 5th wheel even though you have a love miles and miles away.

When you are PMSing and insecure, there is no way to totally know what your loved one is doing...there is no way to check up on him, you must trust...and when you are PMSing...trust isn't always an option ;)

When you need attention and someone to tell you how sexy you are, you will resent him not being there.

When you want someone close to you, he will feel a million miles away.

You will miss the dates, the late night heart to hearts, the fun nights out because by the time you are together, you will be past the fun dating stage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, if a LDR is to work...it has to get serious fast. In order to work permanently, someone has got to move. It's just a fact of life. In our case, there was an Ocean and two governments in the way.

We made the choice that I would move based on the fact that he has a young son and a good job. Then comes the real fun....visas, money, paperwork, etc. It's a pain. You really need to know what is needed to move to a forgien country before you get yourself overly emotionally involved. There were a couple of times when I didn't think it was going to happen.

Now fast forward to June of 2007. We are happily married 3 weeks out of the month, lol. I love Mike with all of my heart and then some. I've never seen a couple react to each other the way we do...we are so alike yet so polar opposites.

I wouldn't wish a LDR on anyone, but if you can find the love that I have...it is well worth it:wubu:

Good Luck.
 

TCUBOB

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Hmmm....having had the LDR before, and even gotten engaged as part of an LDR, I know that they can be successful. But I would say that they can be excruciating....having to cross off the days until you can next see someone. They work best if one side or the other is willing to move to the locale of the other.

As shown by many people here on Dims, LDRs can work. I'd be curious to see a list of all the happy couples who met here.

As long as there is communication and honesty, it can definitely work...as in any relationship. That and thank goodness for free nights and weekends. :)
 

alienlanes

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BB, your story makes me smile every time you post it :D.

An LDR isn't something I'd choose for myself, all other things being equal... but my standards are pretty picky and specific, so I wouldn't want to miss out on someone who was obviously right for me just because they lived far away.

You will miss the dates, the late night heart to hearts, the fun nights out because by the time you are together, you will be past the fun dating stage.
This is a really good point. If you've gotten to know someone well enough online that you think you want to be together, you've probably had some very "deep" PM/IM conversations, but you don't necessarily know what that person is like to just hang out with on an everyday basis. When it's a big event each time you see each other, you don't get the chance to observe what someone's personality is like during day-to-day life, or to have those awkward little arguments about "so, what should we do tonight -- bar, movie or stay in?" Thanks to Internet communication you can feel very emotionally intimate with someone without having gone through the initial stages of casual chit-chat and hanging out that you get in IRL dating.

I'd imagine that the first few weeks after someone relocates can be really weird and awkward, even if the relationship ends up being successful. For so long it was such a big and exciting thing when you got to see each other, and now all of a sudden it's something that you do every day... so how will you relate to each other on the days when that initial level of excitement isn't there? You can't really predict it... at that point I guess you have to take things as they come and trust that you can make it work.
 

butch

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My main concern is that LDRs make it very easy for people to get swept into the fantasy that your partner is the perfect match for you, and really, a long distance love is sort of uber-romantic. The longing, wistful stares over the vast expanse, the missed text messages and emails (or the very long emails that dive into your every thought), the daily updates "my cat was so cute today!", the gifts sent via post, etc--these are all things that might happen in the course of an in-person relationship but become ultimately heightened and start earlier in these baby LDRs. The daily abscence of your partner makes you desire them more, and conveniently not ever have to deal with their faults. And this is all before going into the trust issues!

Hmm, in some ways this doesn't seem all the different from the standard courtship rituals of the 19th century. They were full of passionate letters, gifts in the post, and learning about each other through the written word, since the ability for true physical privacy did not exist until marriage, in many cases. It just seems like the technology has changed, and that long-distance relationships of some degree may be more of the norm, historically speaking, then we realize. But yeah, that doesn't make LDR any easier.
 

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