Nothing else but fat will do?

Discussion in 'Fat sexuality' started by Unbasher, Oct 14, 2019.

  1. Oct 20, 2019 #21

    Unbasher

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    And that's OK. The fact that you're big but want a toned partner is totally fine; I love fat on a man but not on myself.

    The issue of physical attraction is my current dilemma: where in my priority list do physical attraction and intimacy rank? My husband ticks so many boxes but not that one. No one can answer that question but myself. I just wanted to know if I should be more inclusive in my preferences or if that might just be something I can't help.
     
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  2. Oct 20, 2019 #22

    ChubbyPear

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    I don't think it's anybody's business what you "should" feel about this. That said, I think it's a bit more complicated realizing it's an issue once you've already married someone... There've been times where I wasn't attracted to someone but they became more attractive to me as I got to know them. It has to be a natural progression though. I've recently tried dating a couple of awesome guys I wasn't attracted to, with the hopes the attraction would develop, but it didn't, so I have decided not to bother trying that again. I don't want to hurt feelings if someone else gets attached and the chemistry just isn't there for me.
     
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  3. Oct 20, 2019 #23

    Unbasher

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    Exactly :(
     
  4. Oct 25, 2019 #24

    Broseph

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    Unbasher--as you know, I'm in precisely this situation. My partner checks pretty much all the OTHER boxes. My experience--trying to ignore, push away, recondition, pray away, etc., my preferences--leads me to believe that I like what I like and that's not going anywhere. I'm starting to reconsider that word "preference", too, as it suggests 'choice'. I'm really really glad to be an FA today and wouldn't change it for the world, but it was never something I chose. Anyway, I still sometimes beat myself up for the fact that my preferences have made my life/relationship stressful. Glad I'm not the only one..
     
  5. Oct 26, 2019 #25

    Shotha

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    I think that our preferences are hard-wired. That is why I consider liking fat to be part of my sexual orientation. Nothing seems to change whether we're gay or straight and I think that nothing will change our preferences relating to body size and shape.

    For me there is a difference between "preference" and "choice". One's preferred hot drink might be coffee but one might choose to drink tea in the evening, in order to reduce one's caffeine intake. I think that the word "preference" is best avoided in the context or relationships and sexual attraction, as it is often misunderstood.

    I greatly sympathize with the plight of those, who marry before they realize what they find attractive. I remember dating a skinny guy. I just glad that same-sex marriage wasn't available back then.

    I think that this is a very important discussion to be having, because it demonstrates to others that the right thing to do is to follow one's heart. It's easier on everyone. Unfortunately, self-knowledge is not always easier to attain. Some of us know what we like in childhood and some of us don't know what we want until much later in life. Some of us don't know what we want until we've had the appropriate life experience. I didn't realize that for me only fat guys wil do until I dated a skinny guy and found that he just didn't have the right equipment.
     
  6. Oct 26, 2019 #26

    Shh! Don’t tell!

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    For me fat is so vital to attraction that I was confused about my sexuality as a teen when I was surrounded by skinny high schoolers. I barely felt attracted to ANYONE so I thought I was bi with a low libido because I felt the same when I looked at a thin guy as when I looked at a thin girl. Entering the adult world and interacting with bigger, older men really cleared things up for me.
     
  7. Oct 26, 2019 #27

    Volt01

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    its hard for me because not many can understand im into plus size women, for them its like some kind of joke even though im serious.
     
  8. Oct 26, 2019 #28

    Quietpaws

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    I am also in the same boat with Unbasher. I have been with skinny guys with a great mindset but I could not get aroused when we were in bed. It was mostly like: can we get over this please? But when this almost 500 lbs guy let me cuddle up to him I was the happiest woman in the world. Needless to say it was an amazing night... I believe these feelings cannot be controlled, your mind yes, but feelings no.
     
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  9. Nov 7, 2019 #29

    knightmare870

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    I'm in the same boat with Unabasher, except with my wife. She was 145 pounds soaking wet when we got together, so intimacy was difficult to say the least. However as time went on we kept trying at it, she had unintentionally gained 15 pounds, and then realized that despite my numerous attempts to deny, shove, resist, whatever, I'm a FA to the core. It's very difficult for me to enjoy the female body if it's thin, or toned, and that is now a resurfacing issue. She's decided to lose weight for health reasons and now it's put a small strain on things because we're worried that as she loses, we'll end up backsliding into issues.

    The thing is is that I love my wife, she's everything to me and I don't want to lose her over my attraction, but I also know that it's very hard for me to find thinner women attractive. So, I'm just thankful to know that this isn't just me.
     
  10. Nov 7, 2019 #30

    op user

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    I like one of the members of the couple to be fat and /or have a big difference. As I am gaining weight I wouldn't mind dating a thinner (than my usual 85+ kg) type of girl.
     
  11. Nov 7, 2019 #31

    Tad

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    I've hesitated to answer, because I'm one of those odd ducks who has only ever had sex with one person, so my experience is limited. That said, I've been with her from a size 12/14 to a size 20/22, back down to a size 14/16 at one point , and settling around an 18 (I will note some size inflation over the years; that an 18 now is at least as big as a 20 was back when she was that size).

    When we met she was thinner than my preference but I was only looking for a bit of dating practice, and when she wanted to get into bed, well, I was a 22 year old male, it was not difficult to find things that turned me on all the same. Then she was gaining weight so that worked. Then she was honestly pretty fat, so that even when she lost 20 pounds there was plenty of softness to enjoy, and then she got pregnant and wowowowowow all the hotness there.

    But a few years later when she dropped to around 200 pounds -- even though I'd be been crazy attracted to her at that size on her way up -- I was struggling with attraction somewhat. Her face seemed so thin and haggard to me compared to its old fullness, I had to be careful of bones again, and just the psychology of knowing she had lost weight and was thinner.... It all was a bit of a challenge for me. But at the same time some mix of medical issues, hormonal birth control, and stress had killed her libido. So some of it may have been a reaction to feeling rejected? Anyway there was a long period when on the rare instances she was interested in sex I had to desperately fat fantasize in my head to get into the mood. Which was less than ideal ( as was the general lack of sex happening, of course).

    A few years ago her libido came back from its long vacation. At the same time she is now comfortably fat and more comfortable about being fat and me liking her fat, so all should be grand. But after the decade+ of difficulty, it has been hard for me to be just in the moment instead of fat fantasizing at the same time :-/ it feels like I locked in on plan B and can't get back to plan A.

    So I've been in all parts of good and bad with her body matching /not matching my preferences, and all I can really extract out of that to say on this topic is that sexual desire can be a delicate and tricky thing. It doesn't confine itself to what can be expressed in words or even what we are consciously aware of. Don't ignore how much physical, mental, and emotional health and energy all matter (and do be aware that hormonal birth control can change what "smells right" to some women). But in the end, it just is what it is, and we have to live with it, I think. (Or maybe talk to a sex therapist?)
     
  12. Nov 7, 2019 #32

    Unbasher

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    Tad, first of all I must say it speaks for itself that you stood by your partner throughout such a long dry spell.

    Also, thank you for your thoughts and your input. I am, in fact, talking to a therapist although she's not a licensed sex therapist. I have meanwhile come to the conclusion that my husband and I share so much that I would not leave him over the intimacy issue. I'm sure we would find. What's come into the picture more prominently now, however, is kids.

    All throughout my life I have been undecided whether I would like kids of my own. I've always liked them and I'm good with them but I could never picture myself having any 24/7. I reminded my husband of that when I proposed to him and he said it was fine. A couple of months ago he then realized that he wasn't fine with it after all but that he absolutely must have kids.

    The pressure is enormous. I'm sure we would make good parents and giving the harmonious way we've always worked together, we wouldn't drift apart like many couples seem to. Yet something is holding me back. I feel I'm still not ready yet and I'm afraid there might not even be a "yet".

    Sorry, rambling off topic here... then again this is my thread :-D
     
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  13. Nov 7, 2019 #33

    Tad

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    Kids is tough.

    I always wanted, but didn't insist.
    She didn't want for herself, but wanted me to get to be a Dad.

    We'd not quite made a decision when nature stepped in and decided for us, but being a Mom has been stressful for her and we only ended up having the one because she just couldn't See doing it all over again (didn't help that we had a baby who cried 11 hours a day for months)
     
  14. Nov 7, 2019 #34

    LJ Rock

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    It's good that you are talking to a therapist. I've found talk therapy to be incredibly helpful to me over the years. It's really important for you to be in touch with what your true desires are, to know what it is you really want in your life and in your relationship. Trying to ignore our feelings just eats away at us until we feel like we are dead inside.

    My initial reaction to this thread was that there is likely something deeper going on than what it might appear to be on the surface, and I have to say I think your last post really kind of clinched it for me. There is more to intimacy than sex and attraction; while these are very powerful aspects of a relationship/partnership, they often can mask or be indicative of more substantial emotional issues. The fact that you proposed to this man, married him, all without presumably feeling any real physical attraction to him - only to discover that you really prefer to be with a partner that is, by your description, physically the complete opposite of the man you married - all leads me to believe that your revelation about this aspect of your sexuality is only the tip of the iceberg. Dig deeper - keep going!

    The feeling that something is "holding you back," or that you're just "not ready" means exactly what it means: something isn't right, and you're not going to be able to fully commit yourself to this man or your life together until you figure out what it is and make it right. Is it really just that he's not fat enough for you, or are there other ways that he doesn't 'measure-up' in your eyes? In other words, is there something emotionally that you're not getting from the relationship?

    Obviously there was something about him that drew you to him initially, and it's good that you are aware of the "boxes" that he does check off for you. It's so important in a healthy relationship that we feel like we are totally free to be ourselves, and share our deepest thoughts, feelings and desires with our partner -- this is what true intimacy is. Our sexuality should just be a reflection of this emotional closeness that we already feel. Is it possible to have a loving, rewarding and fulfilling relationship with a partner who doesn't embody the physical manifestation of our steamiest erotic fantasies? Of course it is - but there needs to be something there that can bring you together and make you feel safe/valued/loved/respected/desired, etc. Only you know what that is for sure.

    Final thought: please do not have kids with this person until you figure out what it is your really want/need. If you decide that you want to have kids then that is your choice completely, but don't do it because this man is afraid he's going to lose you and he just wants to tie himself to you a little tighter. So many people make this mistake and it's always a disaster! Stay in therapy, work it, figure out what you need and move on from there. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.
     
  15. Nov 8, 2019 #35

    DitzyBrunette

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    Physical attraction matters, whether we want to admit it or not, but for me a great personality is SUPER important. My main ideal physical type is the good ol' Dad bod (Kevin James is my dream man in both body and personality). I was attracted to thinner, more physically fit men when I was younger, but since my 20s its the chubby nerds that have always caught my eye. But, I honestly can not say that if someone who was not my physical ideal came along and had the best personality and we clicked that I would write him off because you never know. For me there just has to be something there to feel closeness and a connection and it's not always a perfect physical checklist. Kind eyes and a good sense of humor always works too :)
     
  16. Nov 8, 2019 #36

    DitzyBrunette

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    I completely and utterly agree with every single word here. But the part I put in bold, if my ex had believed that then that relationship would not have ended. Being stifled and unable to speak your mind and just be yourself is so damaging. Everything you said is so on point.
     
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  17. Nov 8, 2019 #37

    Unbasher

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    [QUOTE="LJ Rock, post: 2259427, member: 524"My initial reaction to this thread was that there is likely something deeper going on than what it might appear to be on the surface.[/QUOTE]
    I'm touched every time I discover how much thought people will put into a stranger's issues. Thank you so much, LJ, and you others, too.

    "Is it really just that he's not fat enough for you, or are there other ways that he doesn't 'measure-up' in your eyes? In other words, is there something emotionally that you're not getting from the relationship?"
    The only thing that comes to mind is that he can't relate to the trauma I've gone though - an eating disorder, body issues, feelings of inadequacy, abusive relationships - as he doesn't understand the depth of it and how it still affects me even though today I'm a well-adjusted, kind, a-little-crazy person who is good at her job and won't take crap from anyone anymore.
    Other than that he's fantastic: caring, funny, proud of me... I still light up every time he enters the room.
     
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  18. Nov 8, 2019 #38

    happily_married

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    It’s crazy to think about, and we throw the word compromise around like it’s a no-brainer but the truth is a lot of couples legitimately struggle with it. Or I should say A lot of individuals do and that causes couples to struggle and in some cases split up.

    And it isn’t always over conflicts surrounding the needs of one person or the other. Sometimes it’s as simple as not respecting the others’ interests.

    And worst, and to your point here, is when just tying to discuss it like an adult results in defensiveness or an argument. That’s a horrible place to be. Sounds like you may have exited a bad place. Never easy, but in the long run better.
     
  19. Nov 8, 2019 #39

    LJ Rock

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    Unbasher, let me start by saying that I am sorry to hear that these things have happened to you. No one deserves to suffer from abuse or any of the resulting pain and anguish. We are all a product of our experiences, and trauma of any kind will have devastating and lasting effects throughout our lives. The challenges that our past traumas can pose on our present/future relationships with friends, family, partners and other loved ones can often be the ultimate test of patience and resolve.

    Your partner may never really be able to understand fully everything that you've been through - just as you can never really know or understand exactly everything that he has been through or the emotional baggage he now carries (we all have our issues in some form or another to deal with.) The question is: are you both willing to try and be patient, loving and understanding with one another? He might not be able to relate to your experiences exactly, but can he listen to you and allow you to share your feelings with him as you attempt to grow and heal? Is he at least willing to try?

    Like I was saying, in a relationship it is crucial that you feel you are safe to be who you really are - to be yourself. This of course works both ways; you have to accept him for all that he is just as he needs to accept who you are, with all the baggage and emotional damage included. If in spite of your efforts this just isn't happening, then you may have to face the idea that this person isn't the person for you - that in fact they are only going to stand in the way of your personal growth and healing instead of supporting you on your journey (which is of course, what they should be doing.)

    One of the tragic things about experiencing abuse, especially as a very young person, is that we often will go on to continue to seek this kind of behavior in our future adult relationships, either because it's all we know or it just somehow feels more "normal" to us. We come to associate love with pain, and it really takes a lot of work and effort to undo this pattern. I can't say for sure whether or not this is something that is happening to you, and I pray that it isn't. Continuing with therapy and becoming self aware, healing from the past, learning about ourselves and becoming more confident in who are - these are all the things we want to strive for. Whatever person we choose to share our lives with needs to be supportive of these things.

    One final thought, bringing it back to the original theme of your post: if you do in fact decide that for you "nothing else but FAT will do" -- that's okay. :) If that is a part of who you really are, then own it, accept and embrace it. If your husband really is the loving and supportive partner you need him to be, then share your feelings with him. As you learn more about this side of yourself, share your thoughts, feelings, fantasies and discoveries with him. He may not get it at first, and maybe he'll never be as big as someone you might fantasize about. But regardless, sexual fantasy and role-play are huge parts of a healthy relationship, and it should be fun and exciting - so have fun with it. Use your imagination, get creative, and most importantly, be true to yourselves.

    If it turns out that he isn't going to be able to accept these things and support you in the ways you need to be, and you decide that you need to move on, there are plenty of chubby guys out there who need a good woman to love - you'll find him! <3

    But don't get distracted! Do the work, and do it for yourself first. Again, I wish you all the best.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2019
  20. Nov 8, 2019 #40

    DWilliams1

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    Agree...intimacy really must be on every level. For me, it definitely begins with an attraction to someone's heart. Their personality and what's inside of them...so I definitely didn't discriminate. But now that I'm further along this journey of self-discovery, I can say I'd be much more fulfilled on a physical level with a large, or even truly fat woman who both loves my size and enjoys her own. There is just a deeply meaningful part of myself I wouldn't be able to share otherwise.
     

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