oy, it's letters to people and things, part deuce!

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littlefairywren

Wren aka ISFJ
DM Supporter
Joined
Sep 2, 2008
Messages
17,757
Location
Australia
Dear Universe

I am enjoying the weather and all, but I would like to be sharing it with someone special.

So, please stop sending me weirdo's, stalkers, men with bags of goodies, men shorter than 5ft, metro-sexuals, men who are girlier than I am, spitters and mirror freaks!

If you could get him here by Christmas I will be good;)

Love Kimberly
Addendum -

The last two you sent me were convinced I was a walking ATM machine. "Oh baby, baby......give me $20" is not my idea of foreplay!
 

Lovelyone

Fat, and loveable!
Joined
Dec 30, 2005
Messages
3,411
Location
,
Dear Kimberly
You forgot to mention users, liars, time wasters, manipulators, game players, insincere men, those guys who message EVERY single fat woman hoping that ONE of them will answer, men who talk the talk but dont walk the walk, immature men who need a mommy, internet losers who attempt to play women online so they can have a place to live (and a sugar momma), men who keep several women (who dont know about one another) dangling with promises, and my particular favorite...the men who straddle the line between friendship and more--because they are too afraid that they will lose one for the other. *sigh

Just thought I would mention that. :p

Signed,
Been there done that Terri



Addendum -

The last two you sent me were convinced I was a walking ATM machine. "Oh baby, baby......give me $20" is not my idea of foreplay!
 
S

saucywench

I cannot believe you had the audacity to say what you did yesterday.

What a fucking fraud of a human being.
 

Admiral_Snackbar

Veni, vidi, Lionel Richie
Joined
Jan 2, 2007
Messages
2,919
Location
,
Dear Hollywood:

If you ever get the singularly excellent thought in your head to make Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's book, Good Omens into a feature film, may I suggest the following guidelines:

1) If you have to make it a multiparter or a mini-series for the BBC, for heaven's sake do so. There are aspects to the book that are only a page-long or so but set the mood so perfectly that to remove it makes the entire work weaker. Then again, we all know what a fuck-up you made of Stephen King's The Stand, and I'm not just talking the casting of Parker Lewis as the fat antagonist, Harold Lauder.

2) There are two casting decisions that cannot, shall not be altered under any circumstances. If they have a scheduling conflict: Work around it. If they want more money: Pay it. It's very simple:

Crowley = Hugh Laurie
Aziraphale = Stephen Fry

Even the thought of hiring Ben Affleck or Megan Fox should not even enter the transom of your minds. I would happily inflict the haunting of the late Agnes Nutter upon all of you for such an affront.

3) Do not let Tim Burton direct it.

4) Do not let Jon Peters produce it.

5) Do not let Uwe Boll within 200 km of the shooting stage.

Thank you, that is all.

Sincerely, but with a strict-natured, "watch your ass" finger waggling,

Admiral Snackbar :)
 

Flutterby68

My Cups Runneth Over
Joined
Sep 27, 2009
Messages
182
Location
, female
Dear "Friends" from parenting message boards:

You KNOW that I will not give you sympathy for having children who are unruly brats. They are unruly brats because you LET them be unruly brats. Actually DO something about it, and I bet that will change.

Signed,
Unsympathetic Bitch (to you, anyway)

________

Dear Television Folks:

I realize that you try to put on shows that will be watched by a ton of people. And that makes sense. But you aren't keeping in mind that there are certain realities that do NOT make sense. Case and point - CSI: Miami has all these skinny hardbodied young women in tiny little clothes and mile-high heels mincing around crime scenes. NO self respecting crime scene investigator would dress like that, and contrary to popular belief, not EVERY female in the greater Miami area looks like an animatronic barbie doll.

Signed,
Wishing for REAL people on TV

______

Dear Mother Nature/Gaia:

Okay, I know you're doing what you do every year at this time. But please, make up your mind with the weather. It's the end of October, and today is 64 and gorgeous... yet in July/August we only got about a total of 8 days of 90+ degrees. Just so you know, my allergies are driving me so crazy that my sinuses want to go on vacation to Alaska just to get some peace!

Signed,
Sneezy Smurf
 

littlefairywren

Wren aka ISFJ
DM Supporter
Joined
Sep 2, 2008
Messages
17,757
Location
Australia
Dear Kimberly
You forgot to mention users, liars, time wasters, manipulators, game players, insincere men, those guys who message EVERY single fat woman hoping that ONE of them will answer, men who talk the talk but dont walk the walk, immature men who need a mommy, internet losers who attempt to play women online so they can have a place to live (and a sugar momma), men who keep several women (who dont know about one another) dangling with promises, and my particular favorite...the men who straddle the line between friendship and more--because they are too afraid that they will lose one for the other. *sigh

Just thought I would mention that. :p

Signed,
Been there done that Terri
Dear Terri

I am glad for the additions:D I will also add "the confused anglers" that like to keep me on the fish hook. Can't decide if he wants to take me home for dinner or throw me back to the sharks.

Love Kimberly

PS. I am getting super impatient Universe!
 

Inhibited

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 18, 2009
Messages
1,597
Location
,
Dear "Friends" from parenting message boards:

You KNOW that I will not give you sympathy for having children who are unruly brats. They are unruly brats because you LET them be unruly brats. Actually DO something about it, and I bet that will change.

Signed,
Unsympathetic Bitch (to you, anyway)

________


Totally agree
 

Aust99

Member
Joined
Jul 17, 2009
Messages
2,617
Location
,
Dear Employer

Stop dicking me around. Make me permanent. So many decisions depend on this fact - where to live for one.

Forever hopeful.
Me
 

Horseman

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2009
Messages
126
Location
,
My dearest daughter and other women I love,

Please receive this in the spirit of truthfulness and full disclosure with which it is delivered.

Men are scum.

No, not all men. Not me.

And if I'm not scum, then surely I must not be the only one.

But I am a man. I've raised a man who I hope is a good one. Emphasis on "hope," because he still has to prove himself. Every day for the rest of his life.

I've been around boys and men for 43 years in their most candid moments -- like football locker rooms, the inner sanctum where we really do reveal our true characters.

Most of you wouldn't like most of us if you knew what we are thinking. What we say about you when you can't hear us.

No, not all men. Not me.

But the number of men in this world who I can guarantee you will not hurt you, who will treat you with respect and not just say they respect you because it's what you need to hear before or after "giving it up," I can count on one hand.

And have four fingers left over.

Yes, me.

So when I try to caution you about someone, even about yourself, it's because I know "him" better than you do, even if I only just met him. Even if I've never met him and you're only telling me about him -- what he's said to you, and how he interacts with you. I know him because his actions and motivations are transparent to me in a way they can't and won't be to you until you are much older. Maybe not until you've fallen for every trick and there's simply no way left for a player to play you.

I know him because he's me -- the baser me that I don't allow to rule my life. The man that's inside all men unless they're unusually sensitive to right and wrong or until they really do find the "right" woman. And that still comes out sometimes in some men even after they're with that woman.

Yes, a woman will come along eventually to change most every man.

What are the chances you're that woman? ... It could be true, but be very careful until you find out.

I'm not trying to be a man-basher. I am a man; I don't want us to always be portrayed in a negative light. Most of what we men do is admirable.

Most of us are brave. Hard working. Strong. Loyal. Reliable. Honest. Even kind.

But when presented an opportunity for casual sex, most of us are none of those things. We’re cowards who hide behind a mask of a faux-caring smile and complimentary words. Short-cutters who don’t want to put in the hard work of a real relationship. Weaklings who give in to our own base instincts and who will turn on you in the morning -- or soon enough, whenever it is -- and leave you in a lurch. Liars who will tell you anything, and from whom even the kindest-sounding words are cruelly fashioned to achieve one goal.

If you understand these things and are happy to participate in this game anyway, then that's your choice. But if your happiness or contentedness with that choice is in any way predicated on the misguided belief that such men "respect" you afterward, it is my obligation as someone who loves you to say that virtually none of them really do.

Some men will deny these truths until they're old enough to understand that it's just how life is, and maybe even to wish that they'd shown more restraint in their youth. ... Often that happens after their own daughter has been hurt by someone who behaved exactly as the poor girl's father knows he would have behaved when he was 17, or 20, or 24, or 30 ... or Bill Clinton.

Many men will try to tell you I'm lying. That's because it's better for their scoring average if you don't know the truth.

And some men will say these are fighting words and challenge me to put my money where my mouth is -- or in this case, my fists where my fingertips are.

Fair enough. I'm completely prepared, my dears, to defend my honor.

And yours.

But that's just me.
 

TraciJo67

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 11, 2005
Messages
4,873
Location
,
Dear Spray of Sunshine (and you know who you are):

I miss you. Since you went to jail, things just haven't been the same around this here trailer park. The weeds are starting to choke the garden, and although a few of the heartier plants are putting up a mighty struggle, I fear that soon they'll be overtaken too. We need you here ... home ... where you belong. With your great big huge ..... weed whacker ;)

Love Always,
T
 

Haunted

Bi-Coastal!!!
Joined
Mar 2, 2006
Messages
662
Location
,
My dearest daughter and other women I love,

Please receive this in the spirit of truthfulness and full disclosure with which it is delivered.

Men are scum.

No, not all men. Not me.

And if I'm not scum, then surely I must not be the only one.

But I am a man. I've raised a man who I hope is a good one. Emphasis on "hope," because he still has to prove himself. Every day for the rest of his life.

I've been around boys and men for 43 years in their most candid moments -- like football locker rooms, the inner sanctum where we really do reveal our true characters.

Most of you wouldn't like most of us if you knew what we are thinking. What we say about you when you can't hear us.

No, not all men. Not me.

But the number of men in this world who I can guarantee you will not hurt you, who will treat you with respect and not just say they respect you because it's what you need to hear before or after "giving it up," I can count on one hand.

And have four fingers left over.

Yes, me.

So when I try to caution you about someone, even about yourself, it's because I know "him" better than you do, even if I only just met him. Even if I've never met him and you're only telling me about him -- what he's said to you, and how he interacts with you. I know him because his actions and motivations are transparent to me in a way they can't and won't be to you until you are much older. Maybe not until you've fallen for every trick and there's simply no way left for a player to play you.

I know him because he's me -- the baser me that I don't allow to rule my life. The man that's inside all men unless they're unusually sensitive to right and wrong or until they really do find the "right" woman. And that still comes out sometimes in some men even after they're with that woman.

Yes, a woman will come along eventually to change most every man.

What are the chances you're that woman? ... It could be true, but be very careful until you find out.

I'm not trying to be a man-basher. I am a man; I don't want us to always be portrayed in a negative light. Most of what we men do is admirable.

Most of us are brave. Hard working. Strong. Loyal. Reliable. Honest. Even kind.

But when presented an opportunity for casual sex, most of us are none of those things. We’re cowards who hide behind a mask of a faux-caring smile and complimentary words. Short-cutters who don’t want to put in the hard work of a real relationship. Weaklings who give in to our own base instincts and who will turn on you in the morning -- or soon enough, whenever it is -- and leave you in a lurch. Liars who will tell you anything, and from whom even the kindest-sounding words are cruelly fashioned to achieve one goal.

If you understand these things and are happy to participate in this game anyway, then that's your choice. But if your happiness or contentedness with that choice is in any way predicated on the misguided belief that such men "respect" you afterward, it is my obligation as someone who loves you to say that virtually none of them really do.

Some men will deny these truths until they're old enough to understand that it's just how life is, and maybe even to wish that they'd shown more restraint in their youth. ... Often that happens after their own daughter has been hurt by someone who behaved exactly as the poor girl's father knows he would have behaved when he was 17, or 20, or 24, or 30 ... or Bill Clinton.

Many men will try to tell you I'm lying. That's because it's better for their scoring average if you don't know the truth.

And some men will say these are fighting words and challenge me to put my money where my mouth is -- or in this case, my fists where my fingertips are.

Fair enough. I'm completely prepared, my dears, to defend my honor.

And yours.

But that's just me.
To all young ladies everywhere read this and know this i am him he is me and i am also a dad and stepdad to four young ladies that i i will also defend to the death from my own kind
 

Lovelyone

Fat, and loveable!
Joined
Dec 30, 2005
Messages
3,411
Location
,
Dear friend who I recently met online-

You are tres charming, funny, intelligent and I love the way that you talk about how to treat a woman. I wish that I could post the conversations that we have so that some other men (who may need help in that respect) can see how it should be done.

I am so glad that we've become friends,
Terri
 

thejuicyone

Juicy Juice
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
604
Location
,
Dear you,

Thanks for being extremely shady, and leading me to believe that you're full of shit. You really had me fooled.

Signed,
Hurt.
 

Horseman

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2009
Messages
126
Location
,
Dear you,

Thanks for being extremely shady, and leading me to believe that you're full of shit. You really had me fooled.

Signed,
Hurt.

I'm so sorry. :(

Sadly ... it seems that my post above once again applies. As it probably does a million times per day around the world.
 

LisaInNC

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2005
Messages
746
Location
,
My dearest daughter and other women I love,

Please receive this in the spirit of truthfulness and full disclosure with which it is delivered.

Men are scum.

No, not all men. Not me.

And if I'm not scum, then surely I must not be the only one.

But I am a man. I've raised a man who I hope is a good one. Emphasis on "hope," because he still has to prove himself. Every day for the rest of his life.

I've been around boys and men for 43 years in their most candid moments -- like football locker rooms, the inner sanctum where we really do reveal our true characters.

Most of you wouldn't like most of us if you knew what we are thinking. What we say about you when you can't hear us.

No, not all men. Not me.

But the number of men in this world who I can guarantee you will not hurt you, who will treat you with respect and not just say they respect you because it's what you need to hear before or after "giving it up," I can count on one hand.

And have four fingers left over.

Yes, me.

So when I try to caution you about someone, even about yourself, it's because I know "him" better than you do, even if I only just met him. Even if I've never met him and you're only telling me about him -- what he's said to you, and how he interacts with you. I know him because his actions and motivations are transparent to me in a way they can't and won't be to you until you are much older. Maybe not until you've fallen for every trick and there's simply no way left for a player to play you.

I know him because he's me -- the baser me that I don't allow to rule my life. The man that's inside all men unless they're unusually sensitive to right and wrong or until they really do find the "right" woman. And that still comes out sometimes in some men even after they're with that woman.

Yes, a woman will come along eventually to change most every man.

What are the chances you're that woman? ... It could be true, but be very careful until you find out.

I'm not trying to be a man-basher. I am a man; I don't want us to always be portrayed in a negative light. Most of what we men do is admirable.

Most of us are brave. Hard working. Strong. Loyal. Reliable. Honest. Even kind.

But when presented an opportunity for casual sex, most of us are none of those things. We’re cowards who hide behind a mask of a faux-caring smile and complimentary words. Short-cutters who don’t want to put in the hard work of a real relationship. Weaklings who give in to our own base instincts and who will turn on you in the morning -- or soon enough, whenever it is -- and leave you in a lurch. Liars who will tell you anything, and from whom even the kindest-sounding words are cruelly fashioned to achieve one goal.

If you understand these things and are happy to participate in this game anyway, then that's your choice. But if your happiness or contentedness with that choice is in any way predicated on the misguided belief that such men "respect" you afterward, it is my obligation as someone who loves you to say that virtually none of them really do.

Some men will deny these truths until they're old enough to understand that it's just how life is, and maybe even to wish that they'd shown more restraint in their youth. ... Often that happens after their own daughter has been hurt by someone who behaved exactly as the poor girl's father knows he would have behaved when he was 17, or 20, or 24, or 30 ... or Bill Clinton.

Many men will try to tell you I'm lying. That's because it's better for their scoring average if you don't know the truth.

And some men will say these are fighting words and challenge me to put my money where my mouth is -- or in this case, my fists where my fingertips are.

Fair enough. I'm completely prepared, my dears, to defend my honor.

And yours.

But that's just me.
So weird....when I say all of this, I am called psycho, prudish, and bitchy. Hmm
 

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