People's Creative Interpretation of Driving Laws - Illustrated through Satire

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MaryElizabethAntoinette

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I had to write a satirical paper for my Philosophy of Laughter, Humor, and Satire class and I decided to write it on how horrible Massachusetts drivers are.

Of course, there are horrible drivers all over the place, regardless of what state or country. I just made my paper particularly about Massachusetts since that's where I'm from.

I figured I would share it just because I'm sure we'll all have a fun time adding to the small list of "driving problems" that I've been able to come up with.

Remember: it's satirical. So, despite the fact that many of the fake rules in my list are based off of things I've seen people actually do in cars, I don't actually advocate driving like this. Haha.

The Rules of the Road: According to the Massachusetts Driver

The Massachusetts driver is a unique species who is known around the country for his ingenuitive interpretation of what is known as “the rules of the road”. Through his creative interpretation of the laws, the Massachusetts driver has turned the streets he drives on into an obstacle course of iron, cement, and loosely understood car-maneuvering techniques.
The streets have become a battlefield between the shy driver whose confidence is so nonexistent that he must second guess every move he makes, and the aggressive driver who assumes everyone knows what his intentions are despite his lack of communication. For those not from Massachusetts, it is necessary to understand the unwritten rules that dictate the behavior of all the drivers within the state (especially those in and around Boston). Without knowing what is acceptable in Massachusetts, a foreign driver might become alarmed and confused by what he sees as extremely illogical driving patterns, and, of course, also by the previously mentioned eternal battle between the shy and the aggressive driver. But of course, as members of this species of driver, we know these rules are nothing but common sense; and that the battle will continue only until the aggressive driver cuts the shy driver off and leaves him in the dust.
Through years of careful and sterile observation, I have collected a list of various driving behaviors that are particular to the species known as the Massachusetts driver, in order to better understand this species role in the “driving ecosystem”. Hopefully by acknowledging these driving behaviors which arise from this species’ interpretation of the law (a.k.a. the rules of the road), the Massachusetts driver will be a less frightening entity and will be a much more predictable character to the rest of the world.


• Speed limits are only suggestions.
• A double yellow line means do not pass only when there are no cops in sight.
• You can go straight in a left-turn-only lane if you are more important than everyone else.
• You must be talking on your cell phone while you are driving.
• If you drive a car worth over $50,000 then you have every right to consider the road to be a possession of yours. (This also applies to cars in the $30,000-$50,000 range that look more expensive than they are.)
• If you miss your exit on the highway, you can put your car in reverse until you reach the exit you missed.
• If someone cuts you off: you should take it as a personal insult, and be sure to follow as close to their bumper as possible.
• At night, be sure to have your high beams on at all times, regardless of whose behind or in front of you – after all, if you can see better, it doesn’t matter if you blind someone else.
• Go as fast as possible – until your police radar detector goes off; then slow down until the radar signal disappears.
• When the traffic light turns green, you can make a left before the opposite lane as long as you floor it.
• There is no such thing as “yield”.
• You don’t have to stop at a stop sign if no one is coming.
• Using your turn signals is only a superfluous option.
• You only have to obey “one-way-only” signs if the one-way street is longer than twenty yards.
• You can park anywhere as long as you have your hazard lights on.
• The lines differentiating parking spots in a lot are only suggestions. If you’re special enough, you can take up two spaces at once.
• An able bodied person can park in a handicapped spot, only as long as they will be “right back”.
• At every red light, you have an opportunity to read the paper until someone behind you honks.
• When taking a left at an intersection, be sure to block all the traffic behind you from passing.
• When going through a green light, drive as slow as possible with no regard for the line of cars behind you that are also trying to make the green light.
• While on the highway, feel free to weave between all three (or in some cases, four) lanes when trying to pass other cars.
• If you see someone trying to merge into traffic, be sure to speed up so they can’t get in front of you.
• Also, when merging with another lane, be sure to make zippering together as difficult as possible.


For lack of space, it’s necessary to end the list here. But hopefully, by becoming aware of these improvised rules which apply only to the Massachusetts driver, one will be able to survive in the harsh environment of the roadways.



So I figured it was worth a laugh and that people could add tons of other crazy things they've seen people do in cars.
 

Captain Save

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I imagined a respected orator from the history channel reciting this in a serious voice, and laughed repeatedly.
:D

To add:

- Traffic laws are only guidelines; as long as you get to your destination without involving the emergency services (police, fire department or EMS) or your insurance company, you have been successful.

- Getting cut off in traffic is only a test of your patience and pride. At the end of the day, if you got where you needed to go and nothing is damaged, everything's alright.

- No one should be prevented from driving in excess of 100 mph; there may be a perfectly acceptable reason for doing so. Not to mention, anyone who would interfere runs the risk of an unsuccessful driving experience (see Traffic laws, above.)

I'm sure any driving instructor who adhered to these notions in the curriculum would end up serving time at Shawshank; thanks for the satirical thread!
 

Saoirse

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Im a Masshole and only a few of those actually applied to me. I even found some to be quite offensive.

Oh well!
 

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