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mc123

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i hate feeling sorry for myself..

i have never had a problem with my image

people tell me i am beautiful
...

so it hurts even more that he isn't attracted to me...
shallow as it is.

I will talk to him about this but i can only see it ending in tears..
i can't believe i will lose someone i love just because i don't look right for him:<
 

alienlanes

no longer slackin'
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thankyou to each and everyone one of you..

he does say that i should eat more

even when i am full

and this gets me down..
Have you told him that this makes you uncomfortable? If he really cares about you, he'll stop if you ask him to.

Even if he's your boyfriend, he has no right to make you do something you don't want to do. If he still pressures you to overeat even after you've asked him to stop, that means that he isn't listening to and respecting your own wants and needs, which is a big danger sign in any relationship.

Keep in mind that if you love and trust each other, there are things you can to to help him satisfy his fantasies without actually gaining weight in real life. I'm feeling lazy today (there's a reason they call me "SlackerFA" :rolleyes:), so I'm going to link you to this post I made a few weeks ago -- asking him the questions I suggested there might be a good place to start.
 

alienlanes

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I will talk to him about this but i can only see it ending in tears..
I don't like to give "dump him!" advice when I don't personally know the details of someone's situation... but if you can't talk to him about these sorts of questions without it turning into a conflict, that's a big danger sign.
 

mc123

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I don't like to give "dump him!" advice when I don't personally know the details of someone's situation... but if you can't talk to him about these sorts of questions without it turning into a conflict, that's a big danger sign.
thanks for that advice


it helps a lot


...

jeeze i have really got into a mess

couldn't stop crying before but with everyones support i am startin to pull myself together

thanks
 

LoveBHMS

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My first thought is that you must have an amazingly healthy relationship with your partner for him to discuss this with you. There are men around here who are positive they can't discuss their fetish for feederism or weight gain with their partners. Some men will be with a woman for years and won't talk about it.

I'd say there is something of a range for FA's as to how important a larger partner is. Some simply think larger people are attractive or may find more of an initial attraction with somebody who's plus sized, but they don't NEED that to be fulfilled. On the other end, some men (and women) do have a straight up fetish--they do need their partner to be big in order to be completely turned on. This does not make them weird, shallow or looks obsessed, it's just the way their sexuality is.

Feederism, as AM said, is a different kink. Even with that, some people have a real need to watch their partner grow or to experience things like watching him/her outgrow clothing or get stretchmarks, whereas some will be happy just playing every now and then.
 

mc123

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i should have told you something more



he used to go out with a bigger girl but his friends mocked him


so he broke up with her


but now he says that he cant go out with big girls because he will get the piss taken out of him


this just adds to my worries that he is with me just cos he is settling

for second best..

he tells me he loves me

but i dont know what to believe


so sad
 

olly5764

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i should have told you something more



he used to go out with a bigger girl but his friends mocked him


so he broke up with her


but now he says that he cant go out with big girls because he will get the piss taken out of him


this just adds to my worries that he is with me just cos he is settling

for second best..

he tells me he loves me

but i dont know what to believe


so sad
Dump him, dump him now! He can't go out with big girls because people take the piss, oh grow up boy! If he loves her, it won't matter what his so called mates think, and if he loves you then he should not try to change you into what you are not!
If I put my cards on the table, I really go for very big girls, but, if I was going out with a slim girl, if she was not interested in gaining weigh, it would make no odds to me, you love the person, not the body. You sound a beautifull person, Kick him into touch, keep you chin up, and find some one who deserves you.
Hope this helps.
Ian
 

mc123

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Dump him, dump him now! He can't go out with big girls because people take the piss, oh grow up boy! If he loves her, it won't matter what his so called mates think, and if he loves you then he should not try to change you into what you are not!
If I put my cards on the table, I really go for very big girls, but, if I was going out with a slim girl, if she was not interested in gaining weigh, it would make no odds to me, you love the person, not the body. You sound a beautifull person, Kick him into touch, keep you chin up, and find some one who deserves you.
Hope this helps.
Ian
thankyou Ian

it means alot to hear this from other people


i have a hard decision ahead of me


i just wish life was more simple
 

Violet_Beauregard

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Honey you need to do what makes YOU comfortable... do not stay with this guy just to have a guy.... You said it hurts you that he wants you to gain, yet you're afraid of getting hurt if you leave. Look at it like this... if you stay...the hurt will continue...over and over and over and over.... it you leave, it'll hurt for a while, and then you'll move on...

WHEN you do that (I won't say IF, because this is something you MUST do).... WHEN you leave him, you need to look at your life.... I tell this to everyone.... you must learn to love yourself and be happy with your life RIGHT-THIS-MINUTE.... guy or no guy.... you must be happy. Once you are content with you life.... your job.... your family.... everything.... that contentment will come out in everything you do.... someone will see that contentment and will want you for who you are RIGHT NOW.... and won't want you to be anything other than what you are.

I have been where you are.... I totally understand your feelings.... I've walked in your shoes..... You really need to take care of you!

Good luck!
 

Arrhythmia

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i hate feeling sorry for myself..

i have never had a problem with my image

people tell me i am beautiful
...

so it hurts even more that he isn't attracted to me...
shallow as it is.

I will talk to him about this but i can only see it ending in tears..
i can't believe i will lose someone i love just because i don't look right for him:<
Oh, my heart just bleeds for you because it's obvious you know what should be done, but your heart hurts so badly when you think about taking that step. It's so easy for us to say "dump him" because we do not feel your pain. You're torn and I know all too well what that feels like. What has helped me make up my mind is to decide which will only prolong my pain and which will eventually bring it to an end.

Do yourself a favor .....Go look in the mirror. Do you like what you see? If you like what you see, then accept no other opinions. Never change for another.

Much love to you! :)
 

Jon Blaze

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i should have told you something more



he used to go out with a bigger girl but his friends mocked him


so he broke up with her


but now he says that he cant go out with big girls because he will get the piss taken out of him


this just adds to my worries that he is with me just cos he is settling

for second best..

he tells me he loves me

but i dont know what to believe


so sad

After hearing a statement like that, I think it would be in your best interest to either:
A. Kick him to the curb :p (And in the nads... yea mmmm-heh-heh-heh :p )
B. Take more dominance in the relationship.
It seems like he's trying to fatten you up to a point where he feels comfortable (Or he wants to fatten you up, and still not tell people about it [Which is rarely advisable]), which is not a good thing at all unless it is mutual (Or it's something you feel you need to do).
It's not my will to change my partners (Be them fat or not), but he sounds nothing like me. He doesn't seem to be understanding of certain things that are percieved as flaws either.
I think you should talk to him about the whole thing, and take a stance against his ways if he's going to pressure you into something you don't feel necessary. If you can take the more dominant role in the relationship: Continue on. If you can't (And you can't get help him get out of the closet): *Robot Voice* Good-bye. :p
Physical attributes are a small thing when coupled with the totality of things that are important in a relationship. You can condition certain behaviors, but some people just can't be changed.
 

Phaddy

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mc123,

This whole thing is so complicated, it cannot be understood fully by the information that you have provided. Everybody's advise is on target, but you can see there is a wide spectrum of interpretation. My advise is to take things slow and to take advantage of the open line of communication that it sounds like you have with your boyfriend. Don't assume that even he really knows what he wants. Its kind of like that old adage, "Be careful what you wish for, because your dreams may come true." We can talk about wanting something in fantasy that we would not actually be comfortable with in real life. And real life has a lot to do with this. He may enjoy his fantasy life, but not want it to be his real life. I don't mean to make this sound like that should be fine with you, but it is also your choice to separate between talk and action.

The only thing that I really found disturbing was your statement that he used to be with a larger woman but gave up the relationship due to pressure from friends. Even if that is what he said, it may be more complicated. If he was really happy with that relationship, I would think he would have tried to find a way to deal with his friends, but I know it is not always that easy. It would be great if we could all just be true to our inner feelings, but that is not reality. Very few of us are 100% open about our feelings and it is easy to be manipulated by the thought police.

There is a book I read a couple of years ago that has a lot of what you are going through as the story line, with the exception that the woman in the story loses a lot of weight to become the ideal she believes her boyfriend to be desires. It is called Jemima J and is by Jane Green. While I don't expect that reading it would help directly, it is interesting in terms of coming to terms with the differences between what people say they want and what they really desire.

I also fantasize about larger women. By the standards of this site, my wife is "slim," although by media standards she could be chubby, plump, or maybe even fat. I didn't chose my wife because of her weight or inspite of her "weight." I feel in love with her because of who she is and how we relate to one another. She didn't know about my fantasies, although she was always aware that I loved to pick up a treat or cook something special for her. About 10 years ago she discovered some things that I had written and pictures that I had downloaded. She was very upset, but our relationship was luckly solid enough that we were able to talk it through and find way of reconciling the variety between my fantasies and real life. I don't mean to make this sound easy. It took a lot of work. It also helped that she has gotten a little thicker like many women do as they get older, even without my contributions (I have never wanted her to actually gain weight or change herself in any way for me.) She works with people whose husbands give them a hard time about having gained weight and not having the same figure at 40after a couple of kids that they had at 20. I was able to explain that, while it could be difficult to reconcile with my fetish, at least she wouldn't have to deal with an idiot husband demanding that she lose weight. She was able to work past it and I think our relationship is better now than it has ever been and much better than if I had never been confronted and forced to explain my feelings.

I hope that this works out for the best, but I would not be able to tell you what you should do. Only you and your boyfriend are going to be able to figure out where your relationship goes. Good luck.
 

exile in thighville

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eh...i don't know about this.

if you're real: dump him unless you feel like gaining weight. i don't see why he'd bring up showing you larger women and feederism unless he was trying to test the waters and feel you out.

if you're not real: i'm not the witch hunt type so i'm gonna call to banish you or anything. but don't waste our time.

but if you're real: ignore that^/sorry.
 

mc123

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eh...i don't know about this.

if you're real: dump him unless you feel like gaining weight. i don't see why he'd bring up showing you larger women and feederism unless he was trying to test the waters and feel you out.

if you're not real: i'm not the witch hunt type so i'm gonna call to banish you or anything. but don't waste our time.

but if you're real: ignore that^/sorry.
i am real:)

thanks for the advice

my mind is a lot more clear now
 

squurp

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There has been alot of good advice given here. And, some not so good advice. You'll have to be the one to sort things out. Let me add some key points:

Weight gain, feederism, size acceptance, etc etc etc. is maybe a little kinky, but in no way illegal and well within the realm of what two consenting adults should be able to do on their own time. I encourage you to research more in this area. But I caution you as well, there are many extremists or fanatics in this area. . .take everything with a grain of salt. I caution you also, that the consenting part is critical. If you choose to partake in the world of feeding and all that it entails, it must only be with your consent, freely and willingly given. (not under physical or emotional duress).

Fetishes, or "types" or whatever you call them, in many cases are the result of early imprinting, major life experiences or other influences, and in many cases, are permanent and involuntary. In other words, people don't get to choose these things, and they often don't have alot of control over them. Asking someone to change this part of themselves is akin to asking them to change their entire being. I personally don't recommend it. However, in all of these things, there is a continuum. So, many people have multiple preferences and tastes, and can sort of move around that way.

From what you've said, in several posts, is in essence this: You are not getting what you need from your boyfriend, and he is not being honest or fair with you. If you truly wish to have a relationship that is substantial, you must come to a point where you are honest with each other, and that you disclose all there is to disclose. So, this means sitting down with him, and having some difficult conversations he may or may not be willing to discuss.

After you've been truly honest with each other, and disclosed what there is to disclose, then you'll be able to make a better choice about where your relationship needs to go.

I wish you luck.
 

krystalltuerme

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First of all: Don't knock yourself for not being "beautiful" by your boyfriend's standards. Remember (even though I cringe to use this cliche), beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Even if your boyfriend doesn't think you're beautiful (I'm not saying he doesn't, I don't know), there's someone else out there who does. I guarantee it. If you're not a big girl, your boyfriend may not be very attracted to you. THIS DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE UGLY.

Second: Your boyfriend won't date bigger women (even though he's attracted to them) because he's afraid of getting the piss taken out of him. Sounds like he needs to get his priorities straight. However, if you do choose to gain weight for him, and you get as fat as the women he'd like to date, what will happen then? If he's as shallow as you make him sound, he'll more than likely dump you for the same reason he won't date women who are already large: he's afraid of the opinion of others.

I think that the most important thing you can do at this point is COMMUNICATE. If you and your boyfriend can hash this out, you'll probably be a lot happer, and your relationship will be stronger. Figure out exactly what he wants, figure out exactly what you want, and do some compromising. If he isn't comfortable talking about this within the context of your relationship, I think that says a lot about him and a lot about your relationship. Do some soul-searching. Figure out exactly what you're willing to do for him.

Final note (I promise, I'll stop soon): Imagine yourself in a year from now. Or six months. Or even six weeks. Can you envision any kind of future with him? If not, it might be in your best interest to drop him like a hot potato. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who are far more willing to accept you for you and not try to change who you are.
 

Krissy12

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I agree that some good advice has already been given here, so I won't elaborate more on the "dump him" suggestions.

All I really have to add is this:

Don't change yourself to fit anyone else's standard of what they see as an ideal person for them. He should have chosen you for you, not for what you *could* become.
Don't let him take away your confidence and self esteem just because you aren't what he wants. He may think he loves you, but it seems that he loves the idea more of what you could be, not who you actually are.

Please don't change who you are for this person as there are plenty of people who will love you just as you are. It may take being heartbroken now to find true happiness later.

That being said, it sounds like you may be having some issues of self worth. We only allow people to treat us poorly if we think poorly of ourselves.
If it's at all possible, maybe you could speak with a professional about your feelings to get a clearer perspective.

I wish you well. :)
 

mc123

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i dont know really what to say

i have found such comfort in speaking to you all
...

thankyou for making me realise that i am not alone


....
 

Tad

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I think that there has been a lot of good advice given here. I also think that he has been pretty open with you about his desires, and that no matter what you choose to do, it would be nice to be open with him too—call it good karma.

Given which, I think you should ask him to read this thread. It will tell him a lot about how you are feeling, and he’ll see what advice you have been given, and it will give him a lot to think about. And then you can have a conversation from there.

And a few more thoughts, just as additional background.

I think there are any number of guys who will love you for who you are and also find you madly attractive just as you are. I think the more guys are most attracted to women who are curvy but not particularly plump than any other type. It may be a mostly silent portion of the population, but just based on what I see and hear around me, I think it is true.

Guys who are FA or feeders generally seem to feel that way all of their lives. If it is not inate, it is at least imprinted at a very young age. Most can learn how to keep this sexual preference separate from daily life, but that does not mean that it goes away. So don’t think he’ll grow out of those desires—he may learn to control his actions, as in keep his desires to himself, not urge you to over eat, and so on, but the desires underlying those actions will still be there.

Love has amazing powers to make you lust for the one that you are with, even if they would not be your &#8216;type’ in general. Just because his type generally is fatter than you does not mean that he does not lust for you.

Many FA also find many thinner women attractive. Many FA are only interested in fatter women. I can’t tell you about his range.

You are still young, so this is hardly your last chance at a good relationship—but a good match of spirits can be worth fighting for. Only you can decide how the good weights against the bad, and therefore how much you are willing to work to make things somewhat better, and if somewhat better would ever be good enough.

Sorry that I don’t have more cheerful words to offer. I do think you are very brave to face up to this so squarely.

Regards;

-Ed
PS. I know that this community is probably not one that you are apt to hang around normally, but there are some other thin folk who have found a comfortable place here. So you are more than welcome to stay after you have gotten through this situation, however it goes.
 
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