Polyamory anyone?

Discussion in 'Fat sexuality' started by BigElectricKat, Jun 13, 2018.

  1. Jun 13, 2018 #1

    BigElectricKat

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    I just happened to catch a documentary about a polyamorous family the other day. There were a husband and two "wives". What struck me as refreshing is that the family expressed the pros and the cons of making such a decision and answered the questions most outsiders would have about that lifestyle. Especially interesting was the point of view the first couple's child, who admitted to having a hard time wrapping his head around the idea at first. Even the first wife admitted that she was upset when her husband broached the idea (which I found odd as she was the one who invited the other woman into their bed in the first place).

    Most men initially probably think this would be an ideal situation (FMF), but I've lived long enough to know that it could be fraught with all kinds of pitfalls. But I'm guessing that if everyone in the group is in agreement (at least initially), then there could be plenty to be happy about with an arrangement like this.

    So, give me one "pro" and one "con" to being in this type of relationship. Doesn't matter if it's FMF, MFM, MFFF, FMFM, FMMM, MFT, or any combination thereof.
     
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  2. Aug 1, 2018 #2

    WVMountainrear

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    I've watched a few shows and documentaries about polyamory as well, and I'm always intrigued by how each pod/unit/family operates. There's no wrong way to love, mind you, but I've noted the happier/more successful relationships seem to have rules that are followed and respected by all parties involved AND it undoubtedly takes a lot of open communication between everyone or trouble will be building. Jealousy is obviously the biggest hurdle, I would think, which is why being open and honest in what you're thinking/feeling/doing with your partners is so important. I don't think I could ever do it. I'd like to think I'd be open-minded enough, but I already have issues with thinking I'm...enough. (If that makes any sense) And I know my feelings would be hurt on occasions I would be left out or at least left without someone else while my partner(s) were with other people. I would take it as a personal slight, I guess. I think monogamy is my way...I love having that one person who I know I can always count on and who will always be there for me above all others and me for them above all others. Perhaps this makes me selfish...or a slave to sociological norms...or whatever one may say; however, I'm ok with that. I think we should all do what makes us most comfortable in our adult consensual relationships.

    (I always say I'm a student of human behavior, and learning about different relationship types and styles is fascinating to me. I think everyone's goal and endgame is the same- love and happiness- people just have different needs and/or take varying paths to get there.)

    EDIT: I realized I ignored the end assignment.
    Pro: Variety
    Con: Jealousy
     
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  3. Aug 1, 2018 #3

    DragonFly

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    Pro - more adults to help support the family. Economically it seems like a really great idea. There is room for a duel income home and a stay at home parent. No matter what the make up of MF or NonBinary - if you are living as a household there could be some great advantages.

    Con- for me it would be jealousy unless I was the focus for all parties involved.

    As a side note I had one gentleman tell me he was poly, he interpreted that as he had a long term girlfriend he lived with and also pursued other women to date. Getting a precise definition is very important.
     
  4. Aug 1, 2018 #4

    BigElectricKat

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    I too have watched a few documentaries and even had conversations with people in polyamorous relationships. I've always been interested to see things from other's perspectives. From the outside looking in, that jealousy monster seems to be the consensus derailer of these types of relationships. I also agree that our "sociological norms" have us hard wired to view our intimate relationships in certain binary ways. To add more people to the mix can be just as dangerous asit can be delightful. I think it takes a certain type of person to even consider pursuing a poly lifestyle. But in the end, just as you've said, what matters is how happy all involved are. Nice post!
     
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  5. Aug 1, 2018 #5

    BigElectricKat

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    You make a very good point, DragonFly. I think that the basis of any romantic relationship should be honesty. To go along with that should also be clarity. We all have to be working from the same script as it were.
     
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  6. Aug 1, 2018 #6

    ScreamingChicken

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    Pro: Variety
    Con: Disappointing multiple females at once ;)
     
  7. Aug 1, 2018 #7

    LeoGibson

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    Definitely not for me. I’m a one woman man. I’ve never really had the typical male desire for being with 2 or more women at a time. I personally dig the bond and the mutual exploration I can do with my lover alone. So polyamory would not be my thing.

    Pros- for myself personally, none
    Cons- I don’t like sharing
     
  8. Aug 1, 2018 #8

    WVMountainrear

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    If not all parties know and agree, it isn't polyamory. It's just cheating. LOL I can understand why some would misuse the term to their advantage, though. You make an excellent point. I also appreciated your comments from an economical standpoint. So much focus goes on how the emotions of the partners are handled, it's easy to forget about the other aspects of such a relationship.

    You aren't disappointing in the slightest. Your self deprecating humor knows no bounds! :p:D

    Basically, same. I know me. And although I could probably manage with as good of a communicator as I pride myself on being, deep down I wouldn't be totally happy. I know there are probably people in monogamous relationships who feel unfulfilled in that type of relationship as well. Like I said, it's all about what works for you and your life. I just happen to be a monogamist.
     
  9. Aug 1, 2018 #9

    LifelongFA

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    Some fantasies are better off left as fantasies. A good and healthy relationship is so rare and I personally would not want to jeopardize it.
     
  10. Aug 1, 2018 #10

    Tad

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    A joke I heard long ago came to mind:. A minister, lawyer, and engineer are talking, and the conversation turns to the topic of mistresses.

    The minister says "I would never take a mistress, because it is wrong"
    The lawyer says "I would never take a mistress, because my wife would find out, divorce me, and take half or more of everything I have."
    The engineer says says "it would be great to have a mistress, but only if my wife and her knew about each other."

    The other two were shocked by this, but the engineer explained "I could tell my wife I was with my mistress, and my mistress that I was with my wife, and then I could go to the lab and get some work done!"

    Aside from the joke capturing roughly 1970s social attitudes, and it obviously being an engineering joke, I think it is relevant. Sex is certainly an important part of relationships, but emotional support, personal time, financial concerns, etc are all there too. It seems to me that a polyamorous relationship has the potential to help out or aggravate all of these factors.

    Personally I can imagine loving multiple partners, but not being good at focusing on their diverse needs. Sounds exhausting to me! But maybe with a partner who was the lynchpin of it all, it could work out?

    Anyway, I'm happily monogamous with my eife, so I've never had to really think about it a lot. So:

    Pro: bring more skills, traits, interests into the elationrelat, making it easier to cover everyone's wants and needs

    Con: bring more wants and needs into the relationship, making it much harder to keep everyone happy and fulfilled.
     
  11. Aug 3, 2018 #11

    BigElectricKat

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    It seems that most are in agreemnet as to the Pros of such a lifestyle: sexual variety, ecomonic benefits, familial benefits, greater emotional support.
    The Cons can be equally daunting: even though there may be variety in the bedroom(s), how do you make everybody happy? How do you divvy up the time? Are we all on a schedule or do we just go with the flow? Does jealousy or favoritism rear it's head?

    I learned that the families that are the most successful at pulling this off are the ones that took a great deal of time in cultivating their relationships. Additionally, honesty and transparency are key ingredients to a successful transition. Not only to all the other adults (and possibly children) involved but also to one's self. Am I/are we doing this for the right reasons? Are these the right people for this type of situation?

    In addition to the normal stresses that go into making a relationship work, now we are adding increased pressures on everyone involved. How does everyone cope with that?

    Pro: A greater pool of knowledge and experience to draw upon.o_O
    Pro: I'll probably sleep really well dang near every night!;)


    Con: Who decides what, where, when, and how?:confused:
    Con: My lips are tired:p
     
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  12. Aug 4, 2018 #12

    DragonFly

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    I have a friend who always thought he wanted more than one fat woman in the bed with him. I explained the shear logistics to him and that it would get very temperature hot! He gave up his quest.
     
  13. Aug 4, 2018 #13

    Colonial Warrior

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    I just think the same way about it!!
     
  14. Aug 4, 2018 #14

    SplendidMarble

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    I’m completely on the same page. It seems like it might be nice, but no matter what I couldn’t fully get into it. I’d like to concentrate on one person and only one person. Annnd I think jealousy would definitely factor in for me. :)
     
  15. Aug 6, 2018 #15

    BigElectricKat

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    And that might have to be one BIG bed!
     
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  16. Aug 6, 2018 #16

    BigElectricKat

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    First of all, I didn't create this thread because I'm "into" this sort of thing. But I admit that after thinking things through, reading up on it, talking to people involved in this lifestyle and watching a couple documentaries, the thought of entering into this type of relationship could be interesting.

    As every relationship has it's mindfields and pitfalls, a situation like this could be fraught with them. The likelihood of things falling apart is probably higher than with having just one partner. But like I've said before, honest communication and transparency are key ingredients to any relationship and moreso in a polyamorous group.

    I can and have always been perfectly happy in a monogamous relationship. But I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you that the thought of a polyamorous relationship isn't at the very least intriguing. Because it is just that: intriguing. If it doesn't a least pique your interest as a man (not saying that a woman wouldn't be interested because obviously, some are), then I'd have to call boo-ray (thank you Mike H). One thing that I'm not willing to do is apologize for being me (done enough of that for a lifetime). I find it interesting and I'll say so. Not saying that I would or wouldn't do it. Just saying that I find it fascinating and I wish well those who succeed in making something like that work.

    *uh oh - here come the boos*
     
  17. Aug 6, 2018 #17

    LeoGibson

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    I don’t think you’ll get any boos. Or you shouldn’t anyway.

    You should feel what you feel and not have others sit in judgment of you. There’s not a whole lot of that around here anyway.

    I mean for instance as I put my thoughts out there, it’s not my thing, but far be it from me to tell anyone else it can’t be their thing.
     
  18. Aug 6, 2018 #18

    BigElectricKat

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    And I'm not saying I'd purposely try and get into such an arrangement. But if a significant other brought it up, I'd be willing to listen.
     
  19. Aug 6, 2018 #19

    SplendidMarble

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    Same, same. My post was about my thoughts, just as everyone here has their own thoughts and opinions about the subject. It’s an interesting topic and nice to hear the various points of view. I’m not here to boo on anyone. :)
     
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  20. Aug 12, 2018 #20

    ecogeek

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    My husband and I were just discussing this tonight, it has surprisingly never come up. We are both openly bi, but had never in the past considered a third person.
     
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