Question for the FFA's...

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Baigley

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I'm not exactly "in the closet" with my FFA-ness, but it hasn't really been brought up either. I'm more the quiet type when it comes to sharing unless my opinion is asked, and I'm not usually telling my mom or female relatives about the "goods" on campus, as my other cousins have describe their attractions....

The closest I've come to telling anyone was a few months ago when my roommate and her friend were looking at a Chippendale's website, and they were arguing which of the guys looked hottest when they turned to me:

Roomie: So [Baigely], who do you think is cuter?
Me: ... Eh, they're not really my type.
Friend: What do you mean?
Me: I usually like bigger guys.
Roomie: You mean like muscular?
Me: No.

That was it. :p

However, the dorm area I live in is full of hippie liberals, all for the vegetarian/vegan lifestyle and living how you want... as long as it's "healthy". One of my suitemate's is very vocal about her attitude towards fat people and it takes a lot not to just reach out and smack her. She's not alone, however, and it irritates the hell out of me, and I can see the affect it has on people. One of my suitemates, who is a size 12 (12!!! That's NORMAL![she's 5'9") is convinced she's fat and kills herself going to the rec center and eating the vegan crap they serve here (seriously, it's crap), the guy upstairs who's maybe 20 pounds overweight will barely come out of his room anymore because of all the comments. These are just the ones I know personally, but I'm sure there are a lot more.

If anyone ever asks me (or if I ever get fed up enough to outright "out" myself) I'll be right upfront and say I do like BHMs. Small BHMs, Large BHMs, Medium, SS, soon-to-be, whatever. If they do say anything, I'll just say something to bring on their liberal shame. :p. "So much for a diverse society," or something like that. :D

My family (on both sides) are pretty big themselves, so I don't think I'll run into (much) opposition there. Even if two aunts, a grandma and my mom all had WL surgery....

[Aside: I've got an art project cooking this summer for making an FFA shirt. :p. In my hick little town most people will think it means Future Farmers of America, but if anyone asks I'll tell em what it means, consequences be damned. :D]
 

Ninja Glutton

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Roomie: So [Baigely], who do you think is cuter?
Me: ... Eh, they're not really my type.
Friend: What do you mean?
Me: I usually like bigger guys.
Roomie: You mean like muscular?
Me: No.

That was it. :p
Aw, that conversation should seriously be in a movie about a closet FFA and her subsequent acceptance of FFA-ness, but only after overcoming fat haters and adversity to find her true BH love.

In short: heartwarming
 

ntwp

FFA
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All of my close family members have at some point implied or directly stated that they think I am "settling for a fat guy," that I "could do better," or that I shouldn't even be with a fat guy because I'm "above that" or "just asking for problems" (health), etc etc. My family is cruel. They haven't been cruel to his face thank goodness, and I don't tell him what they say behind his back because I think it would crush him. He deals with enough shit that I just let him think my family is only a little concerned about his health.

I have addressed the FFA issue with family members and most of them think I'm crazy. "Where did we go wrong (in raising you)?" and the like. Some have tried to analyze the situation and think that I must like fat guys because of some self-esteem issue of my own (wrong). I don't spend alot of time with my family though so it's not the biggest deal. I know alot of people who don't get along with their families- this is just my issue and life is too short to be bitter about it. Although I can't say I'm not disappointed.

My friends and family have said things like "oh he'd be so handsome if he weren't fat." He really does look like a supermodel-gone-chubby so we get that alot. I don't really let it bother me because between my man and me, we both know that I think he's the hottest motherf-er on the planet, chub and all. That type of comment, though, has enabled me to bring up my FFA-ness to friends and aquaintances. My friends are mostly indifferent or have responded with "I should have known." Many apologize for saying the "...if he weren't fat" comment and took my explanation of my preference as a part of me that they had to accept. I have a really liberal group of friends so they are totally down with it. I think it makes me unique. Some have showed concern for his health, but I am concerned too sometimes so that doesn't bother me. Only a couple of close friends have gotten the complete breakdown of my preferences, and they think I'm odd but they're still accepting of me (and him).
 

Baigley

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Aw, that conversation should seriously be in a movie about a closet FFA and her subsequent acceptance of FFA-ness, but only after overcoming fat haters and adversity to find her true BH love.

In short: heartwarming
We should make a community based script full of all of our experiences! Then when we think it's perfect, ship it off to Hollywood, and if they turn us down have a group fundraiser and create an Indie film! :D

Who's gonna start the thread?
 

Ninja Glutton

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We should make a community based script full of all of our experiences! Then when we think it's perfect, ship it off to Hollywood, and if they turn us down have a group fundraiser and create an Indie film! :D

Who's gonna start the thread?
I actually am a film student, and I would love to have feedback on a script like that. I think many people's experiences could be incorporated.

I've always wanted to make a teen drama, so a teen drama about a fat guy finding love would be incredible. It would be like my life story (except with a happy romantic climax lol).

It wouldn't be that hard to shoot on a shoestring budget because you could just shoot on location and I could just use my friends as actors. I'd seriously be so down for that.
 
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I am fortunate enough to not have had some of the negative feed back that y'all have had when people "find out," even strangers. I'm not "in the closet" either. I told my best friend about a year ago, and even though she teases me about it, she pretty much teases me about everything anyway and thinks it's funny that I got so flustered when I explained it to her. She honestly doesn't think it's a big deal (which I guess it really isn't, but I expected the worst). The majority of my friends know and accept it as part of who I am, thankfully.

I'm pretty sure my boyfriend's in on the loop though I don't have a clue how he figured it out. Maybe he's cleverer than I give him credit for. Or maybe it's obvious. A mystery... o_O

Either way he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. He even seems to revel in it a bit.

But as far as random people who happen to get involved somehow, I get either "You are... strange..." and the funny looks and then the topic changes or a lecture about how very unhealthy it is! -.- Thankfully that's only happened a couple of times.

And as for the film idea, it's brilliant. Actually, I've been looking to do something like that for a while, or a novel or something.
 

BeaBea

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Sorry, this is a complete hijack but Mer, you're a GENIUS!! I'm going to steal this if thats ok because its perfect shorthand for any number of men I meet in my everyday life and it will be so much easier than explaining it from scratch every time.

Thank You!!
Tracey xx
 

avernia

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I actually haven't had anyone tell me I shouldn't like fat coz its unhealthy - my sister reckons its pretty weird but she generally finds me pretty weird so this is just another side of that. I've no idea what people think deep down but they mostly politely ignore my statement about liking fat guys, maybe because they don't understand/don't know what to say. Its probably partly cultural though - it seems most of the FFAs who get this kind of hassle are in the US? People aren't so vocal in general here...
 

mergirl

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Sorry, this is a complete hijack but Mer, you're a GENIUS!! I'm going to steal this if thats ok because its perfect shorthand for any number of men I meet in my everyday life and it will be so much easier than explaining it from scratch every time.

Thank You!!
Tracey xx
lmao..yessum steal away.. i have plenty more made up crap in my head! lmao.. you know its amazing how many FAWD people i have met! which is funny and sad at the same time!

x mer
 

velia

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These have all been insightful responses. And, now that we've established the different kinds of comments we receive on account of our preference... I'm wondering how often people get the vicious comments.
I've probably mentioned this before on Dims, but for the sake of this question, I think it bears repeating.

About a year after my husband and I had gotten married, we were sitting at his mother's house having dinner. As was standard fare, at some point during the meal, she began mercilessly bashing my husband for the weight he'd recently gained, how unhealthy it was, how he was disgusting, and so on. I'd never been able to understand this behavior, as my husband's entire family (his mother included) is fat. Anyway, she went on and on, and I became increasingly more pissed off. Just as I thought I couldn't take another second, my husband stood up and said, "Shut the f*ck up, Mother. It's none of your business, and she likes it, anyway, so it works for me, doesn't it?" and then he walked out the door.

Next thing I know, I'm being railed by his mother about how unhealthy and disgusting my preference is. "So you support diabetes and dying of the complications of obesity, is that it? God, you're sick!" she screamed.
I somehow found it within myself to reply to her calmly that I did not, in fact support diabetes-- that'd be like saying, "I support cancer," and that I was sorry for her that she had been so poorly educated by our media. I also let her know if she hadn't figured it out already, future abuse regarding my husband's weight and my preferences would not be tolerated, and if she couldn't hold her tongue, we wouldn't be back.

She has found it necessary to repeat this behavior since then, but all it has taken is me saying, "Lori, need I remind you?" and she shuts up.

It shocks me how brutally hateful people can be about this-- but I've found most of the worst comments come from family members, in our case. Some of my friends have been shocked (don't know why, I only dated one thinner guy), but overall, they're accepting of it. I guess my overall attitude is that I don't require that anyone understand my preference, just respect it.
 

Dr. P Marshall

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I'm wondering how often people get the vicious comments.

I mean, I posted this thread because I had begun to notice getting more negative responses than good ones lately. So I'm just curious if there is a trend going on... like whether you've noticed other people's attitudes have changed negatively towards fatness.
I haven't noticed an increase in negative attitudes towards fatness. But I live in LA and large sections of this city are very anti-fat, let's face it, this is home to the very film and television industry that perpetuates so many of the negative stereotypes.

In general, I've actually been pretty lucky about reaction from friends and family. I get teased A LOT by some of my friends, but nothing too bad. And a couple have even said at various times that they were supportive of the idea. As for my family, my immediate family is fine with it. I have a cousin who is an FA actually and he's older than me and married a BBW years ago and I remember what the family reaction was at the time and really, it wasn't anything too bad. Mostly "I guess that's how he likes them." So I just assume that's the sort of thing they say behind my back too.:D

But I did have one really horrible experience with a friend of mine a little over a year ago. The type of thing that ended the friendship. I had been friends with this guy and his wife for over 5 years at the time. When I first met them, I was at the time engaged to a smallish BHM. And they knew him and even though we broke it off, we stayed friends and they knew that too. Yet, a little over a year ago I went to their place for dinner and out of nowhere, totally without warning my "friend", he starts saying really nasty things about another man we knew who was basically the same size as my ex. And I mean he went off, railing against fat men and all of it. And I was shocked and his wife was shocked and I didn't know what to do. And finally his wife asked him what he was doing and very obviously jerked her head in my direction and then he stopped and she said my ex's name and my friend said "oh, yeah." And honestly we sat in the longest most awkward silence, then he went over to their infant daughter, picked her up and said, in front of me, "you'd never do that to daddy would you. YOu wouldn't bring home a fat ass, right? No fat asses." At that point I ended the evening abruptly and I haven't seen him since and I saw the wife only once afterward and it was too awkward, so basically I lost both of them. I had had no idea this guy was anti- fat until that moment. And, to put it in perspective, this is a pretty open minded guy. the kind of guy with friends of all races, sexual orientations, hell, we even had a mutual friend who had a sex change and we all stayed friendly with her after the surgery. So yeah, I was surprised a smallish BHM would upset him so much. And all I kept wondering was what he used to say about me and my ex behind our backs.


And velia, your post made my heart ache for you and your husband. I couldn't imagine getting that treatment from your own mother or having to be put in the position you're in of defending your husband to his own mother. It must be horrible for both of you. My family has its problems, but, no one has ever called their own child disgusting. JFX!
 

LillyBBBW

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I've probably mentioned this before on Dims, but for the sake of this question, I think it bears repeating.

About a year after my husband and I had gotten married, we were sitting at his mother's house having dinner. As was standard fare, at some point during the meal, she began mercilessly bashing my husband for the weight he'd recently gained, how unhealthy it was, how he was disgusting, and so on. I'd never been able to understand this behavior, as my husband's entire family (his mother included) is fat. Anyway, she went on and on, and I became increasingly more pissed off. Just as I thought I couldn't take another second, my husband stood up and said, "Shut the f*ck up, Mother. It's none of your business, and she likes it, anyway, so it works for me, doesn't it?" and then he walked out the door.

Next thing I know, I'm being railed by his mother about how unhealthy and disgusting my preference is. "So you support diabetes and dying of the complications of obesity, is that it? God, you're sick!" she screamed.
I somehow found it within myself to reply to her calmly that I did not, in fact support diabetes-- that'd be like saying, "I support cancer," and that I was sorry for her that she had been so poorly educated by our media. I also let her know if she hadn't figured it out already, future abuse regarding my husband's weight and my preferences would not be tolerated, and if she couldn't hold her tongue, we wouldn't be back.

She has found it necessary to repeat this behavior since then, but all it has taken is me saying, "Lori, need I remind you?" and she shuts up.

It shocks me how brutally hateful people can be about this-- but I've found most of the worst comments come from family members, in our case. Some of my friends have been shocked (don't know why, I only dated one thinner guy), but overall, they're accepting of it. I guess my overall attitude is that I don't require that anyone understand my preference, just respect it.
My mother probably wouldn't say anthing as nasty about me to my face but I could see her going off on a SO like your MIL did. My mother does a lot of hand wringing over my weight and would like to see me lose. She's petrified over my health since she and my father's health is so bad. An FA who loves me the way I am might be seen by her as an enemy to her efforts to knock some good sense into me, an enabler. If he were big also we'd both get the lectures. Mothers are creatures with their own way of doing things.
 

itsjustme

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Reading through all the previous posts and learning of the highs and low of being an FFA, it seems that alot of you suffer through the ignorance/discrimination of those whose capacity for understanding is diminished by a society that hold physicality and image over acceptance and understanding. Like blind flys they buzz around the cesspit of the media driven world reciting the orders they're given to say, putting everything into the words spoken whilst understanding and intuiting nothing. What's the most terrifying outcome to a world where people are accepted for being different? At what point did tolerance give way to uneducated prejudice? It saddens me to say it but fat people will never be accepted as beautiful by the main stream world as the idea of easily attainable beauty is something the fashion industry does not want to happen. There's no money to be made in everyone being beautiful regardless of size and shape.

I seem to have strayed, what i meant to say was i understand the problems faced by FFA's, but from the other size of the coin. Having always wanted to gain weight i've felt the pressure from my family and society at large to stay thin and therefore remain "accepted". A few years ago whilst in a long term relatoinship i went from just over 9 stone(around 129lbs) to 14 stone(196lbs). My partner of the time (who knew aboout my kink) didn't seem to mind it but by no means encouraged it or made it clear she enjoyed the extra weight.

My family on the other hand were less kind. Fat jokes were completely acceptable now from my sisters and parents. Initially when i put on the weight i really enjoyed it. If i'd actually been with an FFA i'd no doubt be a whole lot of man by now;). But as it stands things eventually ended with my ex and i simply couldn't face living with the extra weight alone. I'll never be 9 stone again, but i fluctuate from 10 to 11 depending on how naughty i allow myself to be. At no point during my weight gain did i consider telling my family of my preference as i simply don't have the courage and i doubt they'd ever understand.

So here i am, a closet wannabe feedee trapped inside a slim, strong healthy body, craving to bury it under a mountain of fat until all signs of the slim me are lost forever. To look at me you'd never guess at the true drive and nature of my being. I have rendered myself invisible to the inhibiting nature of society, i wear this body, this ideal, like a mask.
 

velia

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And velia, your post made my heart ache for you and your husband. I couldn't imagine getting that treatment from your own mother or having to be put in the position you're in of defending your husband to his own mother. It must be horrible for both of you. My family has its problems, but, no one has ever called their own child disgusting. JFX!
I was shocked as hell that his mother would actually call her own child disgusting. Growing up in a very accepting family, I'd never heard such things at home. My husband and I have both been persecuted for our size out and about in the world, but home is supposed to be a safe place to return to-- which is why to this day, I restrict the amount of time I'm willing to spend with his family.

What happened to you was hideous. It's amazing the things people find acceptable to be blatantly prejudiced about. I can imagine things were never the same-- and for the man's wife; what a horrible thing to have to realize about your husband. I know some people can get over those things, but if my spouse displayed blatant hatred for a "different" group of human beings, I don't know if I could cope with that.

My mother probably wouldn't say anthing as nasty about me to my face but I could see her going off on a SO like your MIL did. My mother does a lot of hand wringing over my weight and would like to see me lose. She's petrified over my health since she and my father's health is so bad. An FA who loves me the way I am might be seen by her as an enemy to her efforts to knock some good sense into me, an enabler. If he were big also we'd both get the lectures. Mothers are creatures with their own way of doing things.
It makes me sad to know that any parent could be so willing to tear apart their own children, or even those their children love. Its also sad that to love a fat person as they are, one would be seen as an enabler. Isn't that what our parents taught us? Love people for who they are.

Anyway, I guess even though people can be horrible, each one teaches us something-- even if that's to avoid choosing behaviors like their's in the future. My husband and I are big on acceptance (no pun intended :p), and we're excited to get to pass that on to our child. :)
 

olwen

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Hey Mer, and I guess for any other openly gay/bi female FA too, do you find people have a harder time with you being gay, or you being attracted to fat people? Or does it vary by beholder?
I"m not Mer, but I would think that it would be easier for people to wrap their heads around homosexuality if only because it is more visible. It's something they are familiar with even if they are disgusted by it - fat, maybe not so much.
 

olwen

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When people bring up the health argument to me I tell them they've are uninformed or misinformed. I repeat it a few times then remind them that the studies they're getting their "facts" from are funded by groups who stand to gain from worry over weight gain. It doesn't always work but I like to think it gets them to thinking way back in the nether regions of their brains.
 

mergirl

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I"m not Mer, but I would think that it would be easier for people to wrap their heads around homosexuality if only because it is more visible. It's something they are familiar with even if they are disgusted by it - fat, maybe not so much.
hmm i would have to disagree.. I think its easier to see identifiable fat people walking down the street than it is to see identifiable (hmm sp) gay people..
and as for not being me? how do you know you are not? and other philosophical wanderings!! lmao

xmer
 

Durin

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I think my parents are completely obsessed with their diet and what they eat and what they don't eat.

I am an FA and BHM and I can hardly stand being around my own parents. In the name of my health they have completly alienated my relationship with them. When I go visit them I do not enjoy it and so I rarely if ever see my parents.
 

velia

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When people bring up the health argument to me I tell them they've are uninformed or misinformed. I repeat it a few times then remind them that the studies they're getting their "facts" from are funded by groups who stand to gain from worry over weight gain. It doesn't always work but I like to think it gets them to thinking way back in the nether regions of their brains.
I think that's an excellent point, Olwen. Sometimes, when people spout off with a "fact" from a study, I ask who it was funded by, and they look at me like I'm from another planet. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who considers these things.
 

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