Revisiting ... the FFA guilt issue

Discussion in 'BHM/FFA' started by agouderia, Oct 8, 2017.

  1. Oct 22, 2017 #41

    agouderia

    agouderia

    agouderia

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    Thank you all for your responses and insides.
    I re-opened the issue because in one way or the other I think it pop ups for most of us here and there.

    It's not that I generally feel guilty for my preference.
    There are literally hundreds of millions of fat people out there - myself included - who lead perfectly normal, healthy lives and have these lives mainly impaired by social and especially medical sigmatization.
    Ashblonde highlighted this aspect and I couldn't agree more.

    Melian summed the being torn situation up very nicely - and I can fully relate to that.
    Because I indeed do not engage in actually harming activity to any BBW or BHM, only cook healthy meals when asked, etc. - and being someone who is horrible at sports but just as bad at sitting still, activity naturally happens.

    As dwes wrote - I also strongly believe in personal autonomy and self-responsibility. So every person must deal with their own body and own weight.
    Come to think about it - this probably is the original sin made in raising heavier (today this often means of a perfectly normal weight) children. Constant over controlling and setting up rules lets kids never have the chance to learn about what their bodies really want and need, take agency for them. As well as turning food into the coveted, forbidden fruit, that can only be enjoyed in secret - with the consequence of often extremely screwed up eating habits.

    And finally the issue of morality pressure on women plays a significant role.

    And Angel shared her experiences from the FA/BBW perspective.

    Because if I want to nail it down, what I almost exclusively feel guilty for - like in the described incident - is finding fat struggles sexy.
    Like the bouncing belly that refuses to be belted, the straining buttons, how fat can't be squeezed far enough to bend down or fit in.
    It's just the thrill of abundance winning.

    In contrast, one of the first rules you learn - as a female even more so than a guy - is not to take pleasure from other people's suffering or defeats.

    So in essence it's the dilemma of my preference not meeting the desired moral norm.
     
  2. Oct 25, 2017 #42

    ALS Again

    ALS Again

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    I feel guilty because my guy has gained about 20-30 pounds in the eight months that we have been together, and he really isn't into weight gain. He knows the I love his body, and he accepts the weight gain, but he doesn't want to gain more. I feel guilty because I would love for him to get bigger. He weighs around 230/240 and is 6'4" tall.
     
  3. Oct 26, 2017 #43

    TwoSwords

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    I do think that people of a certain size will have difficulty achieving good health; especially those who can no longer get around on their own. However, the claims that FAs and FFAs cause some kind of harm by expressing their feelings of attraction or delight to very big people, or encourage them to harm themselves, rest on several very large and unjustified assumptions.

    1. First, they rest on the assumption that fat people, once encouraged, will continue growing to an unhealthy degree. In most cases, this is not true.

    2. Secondly, they rest on the assumption that appreciated fat people are more likely to get fatter than unappreciated ones. This also is questionable, considering that yo-yo dieting has been responsible for the waistlines of many fat people. Often, it's the futile attempts to lose weight that drive things into "health problem" territory.

    3. Third, they rest on the assumption that the weight itself, and not other factors, is the sole cause of the person's poor health. Overall health is determined by a wide range of factors, including nutritional choices, frequency of exercise, amount of sleep and stress, as well as, of course, actual disease.

    4. Fourthly, they rest on the assumption that fat people, who are unloved, will be more motivated to lose the weight and "become healthy." In many cases, this is untrue, and fat people just become more reclusive as a result of abuse, harming both them and their appreciators.

    5. Finally, they rest on the assumption that weight loss falls within the power of the fat person, and will produce good health if the person succeeds in it. Neither of these is proven to be true, and the overall failure of the massive, multi-billion-dollar weight loss industry proves it.

    Honestly, I'm convinced that it's the stress of struggling to lose weight, more than the weight itself, that contributes to most health problems usually blamed on "obesity," (though the overabundance of refined sugar in the modern diet, and the large number of sedentary occupations in the modern world also don't help matters any.)
     
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  4. Nov 4, 2017 #44

    BHMluver

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    Overall health is always at the back of my mind. I think that’s where the “guilt” comes in. I could never partake in making someone unhealthy. And yet, I’ve seen first hand how a person of a much larger size has smoked me on the treadmill at the gym.

    For me, contrast is attractive - luv hairy men but rip any & EVERYWHERE I have it out. Total foodie but can’t eat a lot & cant cook ... pretty good at baking, though. 😈 Intelligence, drive & sense of humor are the only exceptions. Yet again, there’s also this weird part of me who would like to just take care of a guy’s needs 24/7. ‘It’s a conundrum ...
     
  5. Nov 12, 2017 #45

    Dr. P Marshall

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    Wow, I come back and a guilt thread is up. I used to write about this quite a lot around here. I used to feel guilty, but now I don't. I credit being able to work through all of that as the reason I eventually found a wonderful man, who I have been with for 5 years now. I would say that for myself, Melian (still love you:wubu:) and agouderia have pretty much expressed my personal feelings on the matter. But I wanted to address the issue of feeling creepy. I don't want to speak for Anjula, but I think I get what she's saying, or at the very least, have felt things similar to what she expressed.

    It's not about narcissism, or feeling like fat people have no control of their lives. It's about the actual sexuality of the F/FA. It's about how we feel about our own desires and arousals. I know health is a touchy topic, so I'll bring it down a notch for my example. I happen to get aroused by men popping buttons off clothes that don't fit well. I don't know why, it just gets me. Having said that, I am also intellectually aware that, for the man in question, it might be embarrassing. I don't like that it embarrasses him, but I literally cannot control my body's arousal. I can't. In my head I might be more concerned about his feelings, but I can't change the arousal, it's just a response.

    That kind of thing can leave you wondering if there is something innately strange, or even cruel about your sexuality. What does it mean if the things that arouse you embarrass, or frustrate, or are potentially harmful to the person? I don't think there's anything wrong with any F/FA here for any of their desires, and I certainly don't think it's creepy to find SSBHM/SSBBW attractive, but I think if an F/FA hasn't at least had it cross their mind that there is a disconnect sometimes between what arouses us and what is a good experience for the object of arousal, then there might be a problem. You don't have to be mired in guilt, it can just be a passing thought, but I wouldn't trust an F/FA who hadn't at least done a little soul searching on the topic. It just means that they actually see fat people as people and not just sex objects.
     
  6. Mar 10, 2019 #46

    Shh! Don’t tell!

    Shh! Don’t tell!

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    I’ve been thinking about this lately. I have a crush on a very minor celebrity who I guess must be in the four hundred pound range and to top it off, works with food (I’m sure someone’s going to be able to guess who it is now, but whatever.) I was hornily consuming all the content he’d created that I could find when I suddenly stumbled across something he’d written talking about having problems sleeping and breathing (!!!) Suddening, I saw all the videos that I’d been getting turned on over in the context of him being in discomfort and pain a lot of the time and it just sort of made me feel shitty. I hate feeling like I fall into the awful “abusive feeder” stereotype (I don’t label myself as a feeder, but let’s be real-admirers, encouragers and feeders aren’t really as descrete and separate as people sometimes act like they are.) I feel caught between hoping he never loses a pound and hoping he loses some weight so that his quality of life improves.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2019
  7. Mar 10, 2019 #47

    dwesterny

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    Treating sleep apnea is not hard. In fact the worse your apnea is the better treatment feels.
     
  8. Mar 10, 2019 #48

    Starling

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    I don’t feel guilt about what I like, so I think it’s a bit easier for me to separate actively ruining someone’s life from appreciating someone the way they are. For me, the line is crossed when you are forcing, bullying, etc someone to do something against their will or that doesn’t feel good or natural to them (this includes losing as well as gaining).

    The rest, well, it’s tackled one thing at a time. The sleep apnea mentioned - getting a CPAP machine solves that issue, if someone has diabetes or high blood pressure (at any size), you tackle those issues one at a time and do what’s necessary. But certainly none of those would make me feel guilty for liking what I do.

    The best example I have is one of my first serious boyfriends, who would overeat quite a bit when he was alone. At first it turned me on like no other when I started finding evidence of it, and I loved the way he looked with extra weight.

    As our relationship got more serious, I began to realize he was suffering from Binge Eating Disorder related to various stresses and traumas in his life. That was the closest I felt to guilt - but even then, I realized my mixed feelings were due to the fact that I wanted him to overeat when he wanted to because he was enjoying it, not because he felt stressed out and powerless. So I gently suggested counseling for his underlying issues that were causing the troubled relationship he had with food. He ignored me at the time, but ended up going a few years after we broke up and said it was life changing.

    I love showing affection through taking care of people, so if someone has a broken leg or something, I love being able to do things for them. But taking a hammer and smashing their legs is insane and not something I would do. Is this analogous? Maybe?

    To me, it’s like loving an athlete and being attracted to that body type, even though you know injuries, soreness, and immense stress on the joints are usually part of that person’s life. Or loving someone who rides a motorcycle and finding that hot, even though motorcycles are incredibly dangerous. It’s just that these are considered more socially acceptable, so people don’t usually feel angsty about those attractions, since they’ve never needed to justify them.

    (Not certain I had a point there, more a jumbled mass of feelings, so thanks for bearing with).
     
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  9. Mar 11, 2019 #49

    JDavis

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    I guess I really don't believe in the accounting method of weight loss or gain. So to me, being attracted to someone who is big and who is sick is no more wrong than being attracted to someone in a wheelchair with a genetic disease.

    I am not saying all people who are big are sick either. Or that you only die if you are fat. The odds of dying at each age[​IMG] each year are shown in this graph. I am in my 50s and am starting to have a lot of high school classmates die and they are all skinny. At my age it is about 1 in 500 so with 500 classmates that is about one a year. I bet there are a lot more people than that on this forum.
     

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  10. Mar 13, 2019 #50

    FatPiggyBoy4U

    FatPiggyBoy4U

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    Me personally, I would say no one should feel guilty about being a feeder. The truth is obesity is unhealthy and feederism is inherently sadistic while being a feedee is inherently masochistic. I have diabetes and while I'm scared of the consequences, I can't help but be excited by the prospect of gaining weight for someone. I'm 372 lbs and I'd love to be 500 lbs or more.

    Life is about choices and consequences and being a feeder or feedee isn't something we naturally choose. So I say just realise what the reality of our lifestyle entails and accept it for what it is. Let us enjoy the time we have.
     
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  11. Mar 18, 2019 #51

    GrowingBoy

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    Anjula said:

    "The worst thing about it all is when you’re an fa and the fat is a turn on the fat person doesn’t feel the pressure/need to lose weight so he’s really just getting bigger and you’re torn between your treacherous pussy and your worries about his weight"

    The desire to change weight has to come from within. If you're not encouraging overeating and are supportive of potentially healthy choices (such as exercise) then you've done what you can do. Your attraction isn't wrong, and "pressuring" probably wouldn't be helpful anyway.
     
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  12. Mar 31, 2019 #52

    Mainegal

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    All we’ve done is trade cigarettes for an iPhone and our head gear (for braces) for a cpap.

    Darling bhms++
     

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