Sarah's Sudden Surprise - by The_Id (~BBW, Parody, ~MWG)

Discussion in 'Fantasy/Science Fiction Archive' started by The Id, Apr 13, 2009.

  1. Apr 13, 2009 #1

    The Id

    The Id

    The Id

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    ~BBW, Parody, ~MWG - A parody of classic WG fiction elements

    (Author’s Note: One day two lawyers happened to be debating a point in court. They were throwing around as many legal terms as they could, puffing their chests and raising their voices so as to be heard over the other. Suddenly, the judge, an old Southern gentleman, banged his gavel and called them both to the bench. In a stage whisper so everyone could hear, the judge asked them how many commandments there were.

    After a brief consultation, the two lawyers agreed that there were ten.

    “Wrong!” proclaimed the judge, “There is an eleventh commandment for lawyers: thou shalt not take thyself too seriously!”

    The idea for a parody of weight gain fiction struck me a few weeks ago and I'd been mulling it over ever since. I tried to touch on some of the major elements of weight gain fiction and hope that the take that I presented was both respectful and funny at the same time. Please believe me when I say that this comes only out of love. This story is one part absurd, one part hilarious, one part self-aware, and one part all too true. With that in mind, enjoy!)


    Sarah’s Sudden Surprise
    By The_Id

    It goes without saying that Sarah was the most beautiful, smartest, most popular, and most all around awesomest girl in the entire town. The only reason it’s being said here is because you don’t know Sarah yet, but when you do meet her you’ll know that it goes without saying.

    Perhaps some elaboration is necessary. Ever since Sarah was born, she excelled above and beyond everyone else. As an infant, she was cuter than every other baby. The fact that her parents had given her an all-American name like Sarah seemed perfectly fitting for such a perfect baby. In elementary school, she always did her homework and studied for every test even though she already knew all the answers. In middle school she single handedly set the world land speed record for a seventh grader in running the mile in PE before she went on to win the school spelling bee in the same day. This was in addition to the fact that everyone wanted to be friends with Sarah. Even the introverted goth kids (who didn’t like anybody) thought that Sarah was the sweetest, cutest, nicest, sweetest, and prettiest thing they’d ever seen, injecting sunshine and rainbows into their dark, vampire-infested world.

    But all of this was inconsequential compared to Sarah’s life in high school. Sarah’s universal popularity meant that she made only the best and most desirable friends. Naturally, someone as popular as Sarah became a cheerleader instantly. In fact, the cheer advisor waived her tryout because it was so obvious that Sarah should be on the cheer team. Sarah naturally remained grounded while continuing to excel academically. In fact, she actually studied harder and quickly achieved higher than a 4.0 GPA. Though this might cause one to assume that Sarah wouldn’t have enough time to hang out with her myriad of friends, she actually had oodles of time with which to do just that. She was also quickly voted into the student government. Sarah was so popular that all of the other candidates immediately resigned as they couldn’t bear to run against someone so nice and so deserving of the post as Sarah.

    In addition to all this was Sarah’s perfect family life. There was her loving, supporting, homemaking mother (who, by the way, happened to be an incredible cook). Sarah was blessed with hard-working and indulgent father. There was also two younger siblings of absolutely no consequence. Accordingly, they will remain nameless and be ignored from here on out. Had it been possible for the family to have had 3.18 children to be a truly perfect microcosm of American society, they would have. Unfortunately, the doctors, with tear-filled eyes, informed Sarah’s parents that they could not facilitate that service to the human race.

    By Senior year—which is when all important things happen to teenage girls and she was fully age 18 so this story can be told —Sarah was perhaps the most perfect teenager Western civilization had ever seen. Not only was she captain of the cheerleading team, but she had also been elected student body President with 109% of the vote (the extra nine percent was due to the fact that all of the teachers, secretaries, guidance councilors, janitors, and the principal all cast extra votes for Sarah because she was so universally beloved). She was first chair violin in the school orchestra, which somehow did not conflict with being the lead in the school musical. There had also recently been the county soccer championship, in which Sarah had scored the winning goal in overtime. Sarah did take some time off to win the school’s chess tournament, though she declined to represent the school at the state championship despite the great clamor for her to do so. Sarah was also on track to be valedictorian and exit polling from the yearbook superlatives voting indicated that Sarah was going to win the sacred trifecta of “most likely to succeed”, “model student”, and “best smile”.

    All of these achievements might cause one to neglect the fact that Sarah had grown up from being a cute baby. Now she was a beautiful young woman. Needless to say, Sarah was a beautiful natural blonde with beautiful blue eyes. Her skin was just tan enough to be nicely toned without making her look burnt. Her stomach was as flat as a washboard and her hips were shapely without being too big. Similarly, Sarah’s butt was bouncy enough for the boys without being too big. But of course all of this was inconsequential next to the fact that Sarah had gorgeous pert breasts. One might have been tempted to say that it didn’t make sense that someone as thin as Sarah should have such large breasts but nobody thought that—mainly because the boys were too busy ogling Sarah’s ridiculously enormous melons and the girls loved Sarah so much they would never think anything as negative as that.

    It should also be noted that Sarah ate like a hummingbird. This may be exactly what many people might expect from someone as good looking and thin as Sarah, but many people don’t know that a hummingbird actually eats 50% of its weight each day. Sarah inhaled food like there was no tomorrow. This was fostered by the fact that her mother was one of the greatest cooks on the face of the planet. In fact, she had previously taught at a prestigious culinary school before she started a family. As a result, there was always an excess of tasty food at Sarah’s house. Fortunately, Sarah was blessed with the sturdiest of metabolisms, ensuring that she didn’t gain a single pound, despite the fact her ridiculously high calorie count was somewhere in the neighborhood of a floppity gillion.

    Now it might seem surprising that someone as perfect as Sarah didn’t have a boyfriend, but that was the case. It wasn’t that there wasn’t anyone who liked Sarah (after all, she was universally beloved), but…well, nobody really ever thought about it. Maybe it was because they were too busy being enthralled with how perfect Sarah was that they didn’t ever think of a trivial thing like dating. Sarah didn’t even think about it herself. After all, her life was so wonderful that it was hard to imagine how much more amazing it could be if she added a boyfriend to it.

    Even with her lack of a boyfriend, Sarah could not have been more perfect. In fact, she was dwelling on this exact thought one night before bed. It had been a wonderful day, as usual. She had gone to school where she had delighted the teachers by answering questions when nobody else could. After school, she made sure that the cheerleading team was in tiptop shape before she went home to engage in her assiduous study regimen before she hung out with the most popular and wonderful of her many friends. Then it was home for dinner for the incredible-as-always meal that Sarah’s mother produced, which always featured a decadently sinful dessert of which Sarah never left a crumb.

    (It should also be noted at this point that Sarah’s family was fully defined in relation to her. Their names didn’t actually matter, hence everyone was known as “Sarah’s mother” or “Sarah’s brother”. Also understandable is the fact that Sarah needed no last name. All one had to do was say the name “Sarah” and people instantly understood who you were talking about.)

    “Today was rather perfect. I don’t know how tomorrow could possibly be more perfect, but every day of my life has been just that! Oh how lucky I am to be me! It must be hard to be other people who are not as perfect as me,” Sarah mused to herself aloud. There was no vanity about her thoughts, but only the innocent working through of the universe that teenage girls are prone to do in their spare time. “But wait! They must all be happy because they know someone as perfect as me! But what about people who have never met me? Perhaps they are happy in their ignorance because they don’t know how wonderful it is to know me. And then if they should ever happen to meet me they will be all the happier for it!”

    Satisfied with these thoughts, Sarah decided that it was time to go to sleep. As Sarah began to drift into blissful slumber, she heard the faint strains of a melody that were soon given words.

    There must be some way out of here
    Said the joker to the thief
    There’s too much confusion
    I can’t get no relief


    As Sarah slipped into the pleasant unconsciousness of sleep, she promptly forgot all about it.

    ***
     
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  2. Apr 13, 2009 #2

    The Id

    The Id

    The Id

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    The next morning, Sarah woke up to discover that she weighed 250 pounds.

    She didn’t discover this fact immediately. This was despite the fact that she felt unquestionably heavier as she dragged herself out of bed, which was understandable since she’d more than doubled her weight overnight. Sarah also failed to notice that as she walked across the room her gargantuan thighs rubbed together like a camper trying to start a fire. Nor did Sarah process the fact that the floor seemed to shake as she crossed the room. In fact, the shaking of the ground registered on the U.S. Geological Survey’s seismometers and was duly reported as a “minor earthquake” on the Richter scale.

    Sarah only noticed her newly flabby figure when she reached the full length mirror on the inside of her closet door. That was when Sarah almost screamed.

    Naturally, Sarah didn’t scream because that might have woken other people in the house up and caused a commotion, which would have been horribly rude and inconsiderate (thankfully, nobody woke up from the minor earthquake). It also wouldn’t have given her enough time to take in her new corpulent condition in the mirror.

    The t-shirt that Sarah was wearing was now so small on her that it only covered her breasts, leaving her gigantic gut hanging down in plain view. This was regardless of the fact that the shirt should have ripped apart from the sudden strain placed on it. Likewise, her pajama pants hadn’t exploded into a million pieces, instead ripping in strategic areas, like the seat and along the sides of the legs. The poor waistband of the pants, which should have snapped long ago, somehow had been stretched infinitely thin as it circumnavigated Sarah’s wide waist. Her panties were clearly visible, especially in the back. They had actually held up best of all, somehow stretching into infinitesimal thinness, disappearing into Sarah’s deep butt crack to give the impression of a thong. As Sarah removed her too small t-shirt, she discovered that her breasts had grown to enormous size. They were overflowing her bra without having snapped it completely off. This was when Sarah realized that her bra was actually excruciatingly uncomfortable, so she proceeded to remove it along with the remainder of her ruined wardrobe.

    Despite the fact that Sarah had just undergone 140 pounds of weight gain in under eight hours, her skin was surprisingly free from any stretch marks. Likewise, she had absolutely no cellulite. Her fat was soft, yet firm. It jiggled and wobbled so much that it resembled Jell-o, as all vast expanses of fat do. On a similar note, her breasts were absolutely huge, a challenge for even the largest commercially available bras, but even without such a brassiere to support their massive weight, Sarah’s hooters were perfectly pert, like giant cantaloupes of fun perched on her chest, even the laws of physics dictated that breasts of such size should have caved in to the power of gravity. Sarah’s gut was a limitless sea of fat that hung over what should have been her waist, including into convenient love handles that were made for squeezing (whether it was an evolutionary quirk or part of a divine master plan was up for debate, but all experts in human anatomy agreed that was the purpose of love handles). Sarah’s enormous ass naturally resembled a basketball in both size and bounciness. Thunder thighs were the only term that could describe the wobbly sausage-like appendages that grew from Sarah’s hips. She also had upper arm fat like none other, so wobbly and flabby that it was delectable.

    Sarah’s pretty face was now a pretty round face, complete with chubby chipmunk cheeks and a double chin. It was even possible that her nose now had the slightest upturn to it, making it somewhat pig-like. Objectively it was still a rather cute face, though one could probably debate the point.

    Sarah took all of her new appearance in, though admittedly it took her quite a while considering how much more of her there was to look at now. Many things could have passed through her mind, like:

    I’m sooooooo fat and ugly now! My life is over!

    Oh this is awesome! I’ve always wanted to be fat!

    Is this a dream?

    Maybe I should see a doctor about this.

    Instead, the first thought that came to Sarah’s mind was, I really should get dressed and go to school. After all, it wasn’t like this was a catastrophic event that should interrupt the regular course of life.

    Accordingly, Sarah decided to get dressed for school. She didn’t happen to reflect that because she had recently gained 140 pounds her trying to put on clothes from thinner times would be like a camel trying to thread the eye of a needle. Instead, she just grabbed some underwear—naturally a thong—and pulled it up her fattened calves and struggled to pull the flimsy and totally inappropriate undergarment up and over her flabby thighs. Somehow, probably due to the intercession of a divine being, she did so. Sarah surveyed her reflection in the mirror.

    “See, it’s not so bad,” she said to herself.

    As the last syllable slipped from Sarah’s lips, the thong promptly burst in every direction, leaving her flab wobbling from the sudden explosion. Sarah somehow missed this fact. Perhaps it was because she wasn’t able to see past her humongous gazongas and giant gut that Sarah didn’t immediately realize that she wasn’t wearing any underwear until she was putting her pants on. After all, the thong covered so little of her enormous ass that it was pretty breezy back there. Furthermore, the overhang of her paunch covered her womanhood so well that she didn’t notice that there was no satin thong there anymore. It wasn’t until Sarah had her jeans fully put on by some unknown miracle and incredible effort involving much belly sucking and squeezing, that she realized that she was no longer wearing any underwear.

    “That’s just great,” Sarah said with a sigh.

    That sudden exhalation cause the button of the jeans to burst off, shattering Sarah’s mirror, as well as cause the seat of her jeans to completely rip down the middle (despite the much more convenient seams along the sides of her legs). The noise from the broken mirror finally did attract Sarah’s mother, who was beginning to wonder what was taking her daughter so long to come downstairs for breakfast. Upon opening the door, Sarah’s mother discovered her newly fattened daughter looking like she’d been packed into a pair of jeans many sizes too small for her, her fat billowing up and out of the top of the jeans. In fact, Sarah had a definite resemblance to a muffin.

    “Sarah, what’s happened!” her mother asked in shock.

    “Believe me when I tell you that I have no idea,” Sarah replied.

    “This is horrible! If you can’t fit into your clothes, how can you possibly get to school?” Sarah’s mother continued, “I’m sure I must have something you can wear somewhere in my closet, even though I’ve never weighed within 100 pounds of what you must currently be. Being a mother, I must have some conveniently size maternity clothing to get you through the day.”

    Sarah’s mother rushed off and soon came back with just such garments of clothing, including a bra that fit Sarah perfectly, despite the fact that Sarah’s breasts were twice the size of what her mother’s had been during the height of breast feeding her children. It was even luckier for Sarah that even though her parents had decided long ago to not have any more children that these clothes hadn’t been donated to charity, as most people would have done.

    “These will fit you for now until you lose all of that weight, which of course will happen within a matter of a few weeks knowing you Sarah,” her mother said as Sarah got dressed, though admittedly it did take her some extra effort to navigate in her new larger state. Needless to say, the clothing was actually a little smaller than it should have been, putting every roll into plain view for everyone to see. However, neither Sarah nor her mother took much notice of the fact—though naturally every other human being on the face of the planet would notice it and think that Sarah was crazy to go outside in such clothes.

    “Absolutely! Losing weight isn’t that hard. After all, there are so many fad diets that it must be easy! That’s why they keep making new ones, isn’t it?” Sarah said cheerfully as she left her room to get ready for school.

    As Sarah waddled ponderously down the stairs, her balance thrown completely off by having to maneuver with so much added bulk, she thought to herself, Is that bacon I smell? The most logical choice to make in this situation would be to go stuff my face with a bigger than usual breakfast, despite my deep desire to return to my original weight.

    That was exactly what Sarah did upon entering the kitchen. “I made the usual breakfast, dear,” Sarah’s mother said.

    Sarah sat down at her usual place, her new obese form overflowing the simple wooden chair that now creaked and groaned under her heavy weight. Sarah began to cram her mouth full of eggs, pancakes, French toast, bacon, sausage, toast with jam, toast with butter, grits, hash browns, cereal with marshmallows in it, three omelets with all the fixings, a gallon of milk, a carafe of orange juice, two breakfast burritos, and a piece of cake left over from last night’s dessert.

    When breakfast was concluded, Sarah sat back and rubbed her mammoth tummy from another satisfying meal. What Sarah didn’t realize as she happily digested her food was that her hummingbird appetite was no longer accompanied by a hummingbird metabolism. Sarah’s metabolism had turned into that of a hibernating bear, intent upon storing up fatty reserves for winter. But it was going to be a while before Sarah would discover this, so it need not be dwelled on further here.

    “It’s so lucky that you get up so early in the morning that you can dawdle over trying to put on clothing much too small for you and eat a healthy breakfast before you go to school,” Sarah’s mom said while her daughter indulged in her decadent breakfast, “Anyone else would have been horribly late for class.”

    Sarah did indeed get to class on time. Upon arrival at her school, she suddenly wondered what the reaction of everyone was going to be. They would undoubtedly be shocked, but what would come after that? Sarah became so obsessed with what other people would think that she accidentally neglected to form an opinion herself on the matter.

    She arrived at her first class and sat down at her regular seat. Immediately the girl behind her tapped her on the shoulder. She was one of Sarah’s good friends and as Sarah turned around she was suddenly filled with dread over what she was going to hear.

    “Excuse me, I know you’re new here, but that’s not your seat,” the girl said.

    “Yes it is,” Sarah replied.

    “No it’s not. That’s Sarah’s seat. You should really ask Mr. Yawney where to sit,” the girl said.

    “But I’m Sarah,” Sarah insisted.

    “No you’re not,” the girl said in exasperation.

    “Yes I am!” Sarah said.

    The girl raised her hand. “Mr. Yawney! This girl is sitting in Sarah’s seat!”

    “Are you a new student?” Mr. Yawney asked.

    “No I’m Sarah!” the tubby teen said in exasperation.

    The confusion was eventually sorted out, but not without Sarah having to present her driver’s license, further arguments over the validity of that identification that resulted in Sarah being sent to the vice principal, a visit from Sarah’s mother to confirm that this was indeed her daughter, and utter disbelief by the entire administrative staff that the porker in front of them was the perfect Sarah.

    All of this caused Sarah to completely miss her first class of the day and by the time she got to her second class the word had spread to everyone in the school that Sarah had become absurdly fat overnight. Indeed, it was such big news that Mrs. Sugarman told her class to read from their textbooks while she went and gossiped with Miss Alcott, who was so absorbed in the topic that one student accidentally set himself on fire with a Bunsen burner.

    As Sarah entered the classroom, the room fell silent and every pair of eyes turned to her. Even the pictures on the wall were looking at Sarah. Without even mumbling an apology for being late, she took her seat. However, that was not as easy as it seemed.

    An astute accountant for the school board realized a few years ago that money could be saved if separate desks and chairs were discarded for a more cost efficient form of seating. Therefore, the classroom now had chair-desk combinations that allowed no one extra room if they wanted it. As Sarah squeezed into the chair, she desperately wanted any extra room she could get. She had to wedge herself in between the chair and the desk so tightly that some of her belly actually flowed onto the desk. (As a side note, this situation was so common for obese students, which were becoming an increasingly large part of the demographic thanks to mysterious events just like Sarah’s, that eventually several lawsuits were brought against local school boards for “discriminatory seating accommodations”. These lawsuits were settled amicably and the plaintiffs happily used their settlement checks to buy all the sweets they wanted.)

    The awkward, heavy silence continued for a moment after Sarah took her seat, which had creaked and groaned in the process (despite the fact it had been engineered to hold up to 400 pounds of weight, a 250 pound girl like Sarah always had this effect on any chair she happened to sit on). Eventually, the lesson began again, but nobody, including the teacher was paying attention to what was going on. They were all too obsessed with looking at the gigantic Sarah. In fact, the superintendent of the school district came by for a surprise visit, but he just wanted to see Sarah, who he knew well as the best student in the entire county (if not in the whole state), in her new rotund condition.

    This continued all day long. Everyone just stared wordlessly at Sarah, some with their mouths hanging open for half the class. The civics teacher was so distracted that he accidentally said that proportional representation was actually a decent alternative to the single-member district plurality system. The most challenging question the calculus teacher could come up with when he was supposed to be teaching integrals was “If a student weighed 110 pounds one morning and woke up weighing 240 pounds the next morning, how much weight has she gained?”

    When lunch rolled around, Sarah was more than grateful. It wasn’t because people would hopefully stop staring at her (they didn’t), but because she was ravenously hungry. After all, even though she’d had three candy bars from the vending machines between each class (like all girls, Sarah always had a limitless supply of money with which to indulge her appetite), she was still starving. When she got to the cafeteria she ordered two double bacon cheeseburgers, three orders of curly fries, two milkshakes, and four slices of chocolate cake. Naturally, all of these items were the most fattening things that the cafeteria offered—and accordingly they seemed the most delicious to Sarah.

    Sarah maneuvered through the cafeteria with her overloaded lunch tray to where her friends were sitting. Despite the fact none of them had said a word to the all day, Sarah for some reason still thought it would be a good idea to go sit with them for lunch. She sat down on the table bench across from her friends. Though the bench had been built to hold up to six people, it still bowed a bit underneath Sarah’s weight.

    “Hi guys,” Sarah said before she took a large bite out of one of the bacon cheeseburgers.

    “Hi Sarah…” one of them said hesitantly.

    “What’s up?” Sarah asked with her mouthful. In gaining so much weight, Sarah had naturally lost most of her manners as well.

    “Well, Sarah, it’s just that we’re not sure we can still be friends with you. While you might have been the sweetest, nicest, smartest person in the school who was always there for us when we needed it and never said a bad word to anyone, the fact that you’ve become so obese has caused us to revise our opinion of you,” one of the girls said, “While we’re sure that you are still a very nice person since that’s an intrinsic facet of your personality as we have experienced over several years of friendship, which should cause us to be much more loyal than we are about to be, we don’t think we can continue our friendship with you since you are now so obviously fat and ugly.”

    Sarah stopped chewing in disbelief as her closest friends ever got up and walked away from the table. How could this be happening to her? Sarah decided to do the only thing that made sense in her situation: eat as fast as she possibly could. Any rational person would agree that throwing more and more empty calories into her belly would surely have a positive effect for Sarah. After all, it is well documented that any woman over the age of 16 and weighing more than 121 pounds immediately turns to comfort eating when she feels bad. Sarah ate so fast that one would have thought it was the annual Fourth of July hotdog eating contest (incidentally Sarah was also the reigning champion of that event for the last six years). Sarah even went back and duplicated her order, finishing her second enormous serving in an equally brief period of time.

    Upon the completion of her lunch, Sarah got up, contemplating a third serving of food since for some reason there was never any line when she went to get food and the school’s lunch extended for a surprisingly long period of time. As Sarah lifted her bulk up from the bench, she happened to spy a candy bar on the ground. Since Sarah was now naturally thinking with her stomach, she bent over to get the chocolate bar.

    Unfortunately for her, the sweatpants that her mother had given her that morning were conveniently old. Though they had served Sarah all day long without the slightest sign of being strained, the sweats suddenly ripped loudly down the very middle of the seat. Though it was boisterously loud inside the cafeteria, everyone heard the distinctive, deafening rip of sweatpants echo throughout the large room, stopping all conversation and drawing all eyes to Sarah’s now-visible ass, which was covered only by a pair of old, white, near-transparent panties.

    Sarah straightened up immediately, her cheeks flush with embarrassment. She waddled quickly out of the cafeteria, clutching her candy bar in one fat fist. Sarah just got out the door of the cafeteria as she heard the beginning of the sea of giggles start up behind her.

    “Just my luck,” Sarah said glumly to herself, “Everything’s gone wrong today! I guess I need to call Mom to get her to bring me some new pants, if we even have any! Maybe I should just go home…”

    “Excuse me,” someone said, tapping Sarah’s shoulder.

    Sarah turned around and found some of the nerdiest, fattest, and ugliest girls in the school collected before her. “Hi,” one of them said, showing her braces as she spoke, “We just wanted to say that we know that you’ve probably just been dumped by all of your former friends who now can’t stand to be around you because you’re so corpulent. Though we always liked you since you were always the nicest person in the school, even if you totally ignored our presence over the last twelve years, we now feel an even greater sense of camaraderie because you’re a social outcast. Our newfound sisterhood naturally overrides any ideological, political, socioeconomic, or racial differences that may have ever existed between us.”

    “Being unpopular, especially if you’re fat too, is the greatest social glue there is, after all,” one particularly stout girl piped up.

    “Anyways, we thought you might like to hang out with us now,” the braces girl continued.

    “Ummm…yeah…about that,” Sarah said, “I kinda have to go right now.”

    “We know that you used to be the most popular girl in school,” a girl with coke-bottle glasses and a bad case of acne said, “but you should be able to immediately bond with us, even though you’ve fallen down the entire length of the social ladder. Sure, it might sound like a traumatic experience, but it’s really not all that bad. No psychological bruising that could take years of therapy or anything like that.”

    “Yeah…we’ll talk about it later,” Sarah said, waddling away as fast as her thunder thighs could carry her, showing the girls the large rip in her sweatpants in the process.

    “But wait!” the dumpy girl with no sense of fashion said, “We were going to use our collective intelligence to create a weight gain potion to get back at the popular girls! Or maybe even band together with the girls who know magic to cast some sort of spell on them!”

    Sarah didn’t listen to anything more as she hurried off, having decided that it would just be easiest to skip class (a shocking first in Sarah’s educational career) and go to the mall to buy some new clothing since there would be nothing at home she could fit into. She wandered through the mall, totally unfamiliar with where people of her new size actually bought clothing. Sarah also completely ignored the very conveniently placed maps that might have given her a hint, as well as the friendly customer service kiosk located in the middle of the mall. She also forgot that the back of her sweatpants had ripped open, giving the entire mall a view of her underwear. (In case you hadn’t noticed, Sarah had seemingly become less smart since she’d gained all of the weight, despite the fact that there is no correlation between being overweight and being stupid.)

    Eventually, Sarah found herself in front of a store that she’d never noticed before. Its large sign proclaimed it as “Hippo Wear”. Though the name was undoubtedly rather offensive, it seemed to cater to fat people judging by its window displays and clientele. Sarah wandered in to the store to see if they did indeed have anything in her size.

    “Hello there!” a very fashionably dressed woman in a business suit with skirt weighing about 200 pounds said, coming up to Sarah, “My name is Fanny. Welcome to Hippo Wear. How can I help you?”

    “Ummm…I need some clothing,” Sarah said, “I don’t have anything that fits anymore.”

    “Well we can help with that,” Fanny said, “What size are you now?”

    “I…uh…don’t exactly know,” Sarah said.

    “Well what was the last size of clothing you wore?” Fanny asked.

    “Size six,” Sarah said, red with embarrassment all of a sudden.

    “Oh!” Fanny exclaimed, “So you recently became fat then? That’s all right. Let me guess—a scientific experiment gone awry?”

    “No.”

    “You accidentally ingested weight gain pills designed for starving children in third world countries?”

    “No.”

    “Maybe a potion that you picked up by accident?”

    “No.”

    “Were you recently stranded on a desert island after being stuck there with all of the ship’s stores of snack food?”

    “Uh uh,” Sarah denied, beginning to tire of the questions.

    “You accidentally had liposuction surgery go wrong and instead of taking fat out of you, you accidentally had fat pumped into you?”

    “No I—”

    “You were recently released by an eccentric man who has a feeding machine set up in his basement for use on unsuspecting young women?”

    “No!” Sarah said with exasperation, “I just woke up like this this morning!”

    “Oh that happens with surprising frequency,” Fanny said with a wave of her hand, “I don’t suppose you happened to make fun of any girls at your school who dabble in magic, do you?”

    “No, I’m nice to everybody,” Sarah said.

    “I’ll bet you are on the cheerleading team though, aren’t you?” Fanny said perceptively, “You probably have a rival though who wants to see you fall out of popularity.”

    “Not that I know about,” Sarah said, “Everybody likes me at school.”

    “Maybe you’ve got Axell-Crowne Syndrome or Human Bovinia,” Fanny suggested. Before Sarah could say anything, Fanny waved her hand. “No, neither of those would cause massive weight gain overnight and there haven’t been any reports of new diseases or hazardous toxic spills you could have been exposed to through the water supply.”

    “Wouldn’t that have affected other people too?” Sarah observed.

    “Oh, you know how fickle one’s genetics can be. You might be the only person it would affect,” Fanny said. She paused and tapped her chin for a moment. “I don’t suppose—yes that’s it! You wanted to be fat so you made an idle wish last night before going to bed!” Fanny exclaimed triumphantly.

    “No no no!” Sarah insisted, “None of these things happened to me!”

    “Well then I guess I shouldn’t even ask if you happened to have seen some little globby creature-like things calling themselves the Munchies,” Fanny sighed, “Well, for right now it’s beside the point. Let’s see about getting you some new clothing.”

    Fanny proceeded to help Sarah select an entirely new wardrobe. Naturally everything from Hippo Wear was incredibly fashionable while still showing every single one of Sarah’s many rolls of flab. The store used the hippopotamus as its mascot, embroidering it onto many pieces of clothing.

    “Hippo Wear was founded on the principle that cute clothing can be made in every size,” Fanny explained to Sarah as she helped the tubby teen select a new wardrobe, “It’s actually a very large growth market, pun intended. After all, it seems there are new freak fattening incidents like you experienced every day. Of course, that’s just a short term windfall. The obesity epidemic in this country is giving us a steady supply of customers for years to come.”

    Even though Sarah was spending thousands of dollars to replace her entire wardrobe she was still able to put it all on her credit card. Contrary to popular belief, teenagers are incredibly fiscally responsible and therefore easily approved for a nearly unlimited amount of credit without demonstrating any income at all, including during economic depressions.

    “And inside is your complimentary gym membership,” Fanny said as she handed the last bag of clothing across the counter.

    “A gym membership?” Sarah repeated with befuddlement.

    “Yep,” Fanny replied, “It covers the next three months. You’ll undoubtedly want to try and lose all of the weight you’ve recently gained so we thought we’d help facilitate that.”

    “But wouldn’t it be a little counterintuitive for you to do that?” Sarah asked, “I mean you wouldn’t sell as many clothes that way.”

    “Oh hardly,” Fanny said, “People never succeed in losing the weight. If they do, they only put that much weight back on again fourfold, at minimum. Then they have to buy new clothing since the old ones don’t fit anymore. But in the unlikely event that someone was to actually lose weight by working out they’d still need smaller clothes at some point, which we’d be more than happy to sell them.”

    After thinking about it for a moment, Sarah had to agree that it was a pretty decent business plan. She thanked Fanny for all of her help and left Hippo Wear to go back to her car. However, the mall had specifically been designed so anyone—especially overweight shoppers—had to pass the food court in the process. A barrage of smells assaulted her, each one separate, distinct, and utterly delicious. Instantly any residual fullness from Sarah’s large lunch disappeared in the blink of an eye. Like a certain toucan, Sarah followed her nose. Over the next hour, Sarah made her way to each vendor, ordering the tastiest and most fattening dish at each stop. At the end of it all, Sarah sat back and patted her belly contentedly since that was what all girls who had recently become obese did.

    “That was good,” Sarah commented to herself, “Though maybe I should go use that gym membership this afternoon to work off some of this weight. At the very least I can do two and a half sit ups and use it as an excuse to eat an entire tub of ice cream while watching TV tonight.”
     
  3. Apr 13, 2009 #3

    The Id

    The Id

    The Id

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    Sarah was walking out of the food court when she heard, “Excuse me!” from behind her. As she turned around, Sarah idly wondered if it was someone from the ice cream place just about to tell her that they forgot to tell her she was their one millionth customer and would now get free ice cream for life. Instead it was Dwayne MacTavish, captain of the football, basketball, and baseball teams.

    “Hi Sarah,” he said.

    “Dwayne!” Sarah said in surprise, “Shouldn’t you be in class right now?”

    “Nope. Just got out,” Dwayne replied, “Say, I just wanted to tell you that even though we’re both so incredibly perfect and made for one another, it wasn’t until today that I realized that I’m deeply and madly in love with you. I know that these emotions take months, if not years, to nurture in the context of a healthy and tender relationship, but that doesn’t matter. I wanted to know if you would like to go out on a date with me this Friday, preferably to some place where you’ll feel pressured to eat more food than you ever would on a date, but for some reason you’ll do it anyways.”

    This caught Sarah off guard. “So, uh, you want to go out with me…why?”

    Dwayne rolled his eyes and sighed. “Can’t you just say yes like you’re supposed to?”

    “Well isn’t a woman an equal partner in a relationship?” Sarah asked, “If you really like me all that much you shouldn’t mind saying why.”

    “But it’s really hard for guys to talk to girls!” Dwayne replied, “Even though you’d think that I’m a very self-confident person because I’m universally adored for my sporting prowess, I’m actually incredibly shy even if I’ve never demonstrated it before in my life.”

    “Let’s bring it back to why you like me, okay?” Sarah said to try and get an answer to her question.

    “Doesn’t my awkwardness give it away? I’m a closet chubby chaser, despite the fact that I’ve had my pick of all the most popular girls for my entire life. It’s only been in seeing you after gaining so much weight that I’ve come to acknowledge the truth of my life—that I love fat girls and you are the perfect incarnation of my formerly secret desire. You are so incredibly beautiful Sarah that I can barely contain myself from embracing you on the spot and showering you with a thousand kisses!”

    “Then why don’t you do it?”

    That was what Dwayne was hoping Sarah would say. What she actually said was, “Do you realize that’s incredibly shallow? While I’m quite flattered that you find me beautiful even in my obese state, that sort of superficial feeling about beauty is just as disgusting as people who find thin girls beautiful and automatically spurn fat girls like me. Frankly I’m rather disappointed in you, Dwayne. Good day.”

    Sarah turned on her heel and walked away.

    “Wait! Come back!” Dwayne said as he watched Sarah’s enormous rump bounce up and down as she left him behind. He had apparently forgotten that he could have caught up with her rather easily since Sarah moved a bit slower than she did in her thinner days.

    “Don’t go! One of the nerds who also likes fat girls is probably going to ask you out soon!” Dwayne cried. He then happened to see another fat teenage girl waddle into the nearby food court and promptly decided to try his luck elsewhere now that he was unashamed of his preference for corpulent women.

    Sarah returned home, utterly exhausted.

    “What a day,” Sarah muttered to herself as she flopped down onto the couch, her bulk jiggling for a few seconds afterwards.

    “Hi dear,” Sarah’s mother said, breezing into the living room, “The school called and said that you left after lunch and they didn’t know where you were. Even though all teenage girls have cell phones, for some reason we all forgot to call you on it. Anyways, glad to see you’re all right. Are those new clothes? They’re extra cute. Where did you get them?”

    “At the mall. I found a store that had clothing that fit so I bought a new wardrobe,” Sarah said.

    “That’s an excellent idea!” Sarah’s mom said, “Now why we didn’t think of that this morning is beyond me, but oh well. That’s water under the bridge. What’s important is that I’ve made all of your favorite things for dinner today and it’s been perfectly timed so you can eat it right now with no delay! It’s a veritable feast. I didn’t stop to think if maybe you wanted a smaller dinner tonight because you might be trying to lose weight, but it’s irrelevant now since everything’s made and ready for you. After all, there are starving children in Africa, so obviously you, as an obese teenage girl, should eat everything you can.”

    “That’s sounds great!” Sarah said as she heaved her immense body up from the couch to go into the kitchen where she promptly indulged in an eight course meal, eating 75% of the food on the table despite the fact she was only 20% of the family. The dinner was, naturally, capped off by Sarah devouring an entire three layer chocolate cake on her own.

    After dinner, Sarah sat on the couch and mindlessly watched TV, neglecting her former routine of schoolwork (which was now the furthest thing from her mind despite the fact it had been one of the greatest joys of her life just the day before) and hanging out with her friends (the loss of which oddly did not depress Sarah as much as one might have assumed, even after such a trying day).

    Naturally, watching TV must be accompanied by eating junk food mindlessly if one weighs above 140 pounds, which is exactly what Sarah did—in spite of the fact she’d just had a dinner so large that it could have fed the entire country of Lichtenstein for a week.

    In growing so fat, not only had Sarah instantly become slothful despite her previously active lifestyle, but she now grew tired more easily. After just a few hours of watching TV, all the while stuffing chips, popcorn, and other delightful treats into her mouth, Sarah was ready for bed, even though she’d just done nothing for hours except sit on her fat ass and watch TV. Sarah walked upstairs and got ready for bed in her new Hippo Wear pajamas.

    Before she crawled underneath her sheets, Sarah turned on her computer as a thought hit her. It was almost the end of the school year and maybe she’d be able to go to a weight loss camp where she could lose all of this mysterious weight. She quickly found the website for Camp Flabtastic.

    “According to end of the summer surveys, our campers are the happiest of any weight loss camp in the entire country,” the website proclaimed proudly.

    “This will be perfect!” Sarah said to herself, “I can be happy and lose weight!”

    Somehow Sarah failed to note the fact that all of the campers looked fatter in the after pictures than they did in the before, but those eagle eyed people who did notice it dismissed it as a simple error. The pictures had obviously been switched accidentally. Armed with her foolproof weight loss plan for the summer, which would naturally enable Sarah to eat as much as she wanted until then, Sarah got into bed and quickly fell asleep.

    And with that, we leave our husky heroine to dream of cupcakes and chocolate chip cookies that may have led to immobility, never to hear of her again—unless a certain author gets motivated to write a sequel somewhere down the road, that is.
     
  4. Apr 13, 2009 #4

    Lardibutts

    Lardibutts

    Lardibutts

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    The urge to write this seems to be motivated by a similar in-depth knowledge as BTB's when he compiled his "The Laws of Weight Gain" found here , as thoroughgoing a piece of scholarship as you could wish for from a German WG afficianado.
     
  5. Apr 13, 2009 #5

    chicken legs

    chicken legs

    chicken legs

    yawn

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    I giggled throught the entire story:D:happy:
     
  6. Apr 13, 2009 #6

    Observer

    Observer

    Observer

    Editor/Writer/Commentator

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    When our own aces can imitate "Saturday Night Live" spoofing with this degree of incisiveness we have indeed arrived!

    Nice satire my friend. :)
     
  7. Apr 13, 2009 #7

    samster

    samster

    samster

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    Very nice! Smiled all the way through:)
     
  8. Apr 13, 2009 #8

    The Id

    The Id

    The Id

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    A confession--that was a primary inspiration and at times a touchstone for me in creating this. I didn't set out to include every law, but I've returned to that piece several times to chuckle about how true it all is. At some points (one in particular stands out) I broke those laws to draw attention to the reader's expectations in a story.

    So, as Newton supposedly said, "I stand on the shoulders of giants." Except I'm not trying to put anyone down when I say it (as Newton reportedly was).

    High praise! Though that reminds me, anyone see this past week's SNL with Zac Effron? There was a very interesting moment involving Lane Bryant catalogs in it that caught my attention.

    To samster and chicken legs, glad you found it enjoyable and amusing! That was what I was aiming for. :)
     
  9. Apr 13, 2009 #9

    Tad

    Tad

    Tad

    mostly harmless

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    That was brilliant! Can we make that a sticky on this board? (*joking*)
     
  10. Apr 13, 2009 #10

    The Id

    The Id

    The Id

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    Perhaps decreed, by fiat, mandatory reading for anyone posting a story in the Library? :D
     
  11. Apr 13, 2009 #11

    IrishBard

    IrishBard

    IrishBard

    womble/leprechaun hybrid!

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    Awesome story, I couldn't help but laugh as you take every WG story convention and give it your unique twist, Brilliant!
     
  12. Apr 14, 2009 #12

    Wilson Barbers

    Wilson Barbers

    Wilson Barbers

    Full-time Fanta-sizer

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    Enjoyed your skewering - which reminded me in places of Lemony Snicket.
     
  13. Apr 14, 2009 #13

    fat hiker

    fat hiker

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    A wonderfully funny tale!
     
  14. Apr 14, 2009 #14

    The Id

    The Id

    The Id

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    That was the idea. Glad that you indeed laughed at it!

    Something I've never read, but kind of have been meaning to. Though, considering the commercial success of those books, I'm flattered!
     
  15. Apr 16, 2009 #15

    forglum

    forglum

    forglum

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    I'm afraid I'm going to have to join the crowds in heralding this as a work of pure genius :) Nice going.
     
  16. Apr 16, 2009 #16

    Armadillojellybeans

    Armadillojellybeans

    Armadillojellybeans

    chariots chariots

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    A terrific start to my morning, nothing better than a little Id to get your day started, Sarah is definitly one of my favorite characters to date, the whole forced situation that she is helpless too makes her a heroine nonetheless, and a gorgeous one from the way it sounds
     
  17. Apr 16, 2009 #17

    The Id

    The Id

    The Id

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    How could it be a good parody of a WG story if she wasn't beautiful as well as capable and helpless at the same time? :D
     
  18. Apr 17, 2009 #18

    Armadillojellybeans

    Armadillojellybeans

    Armadillojellybeans

    chariots chariots

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    Oh Id, you ssssoooooo crazy lulz
     
  19. Apr 23, 2009 #19

    Raider X

    Raider X

    Raider X

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    I enjoyed this story very much. I bet you had a lot of fun writing this!
     
  20. Apr 24, 2009 #20

    The Id

    The Id

    The Id

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    You have no idea how enjoyable it was. :D

    I take it you liked the entire end of the story?
     

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