Self Body Image as an (F)FA

Discussion in 'FA/FFA forum' started by squeezablysoft, Jul 8, 2018.

  1. Jul 8, 2018 #1

    squeezablysoft

    squeezablysoft

    squeezablysoft

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    *TRIGGER WARNING for body image issues and disordered eating.*

    So I've lost like 30 pounds in the past year, not my idea, and I have crazy mixed feelings about it. As a person who thinks fat is beautiful and cute and comforting and just all around awesome, I hate it. I feel less sexy and not at home in my body, like I've suddenly been dropped into one of those minimalist industrial houses that's all glass and metal and concrete without a scrap of anything soft or colorful anywhere, wondering how the yuppie who belongs here is enjoying their new life in my "old home" full of soft surfaces and thick, plush carpets and upholstery and an atmosphere of warmth and comfort. I mean sure, it might have seemed tasteless to some ppl or "reminded them of their grandma", but it was cozy and homey to me. That's the side of me that loves every new pound and roll when I'm gaining, the side that pushes me to eat everything I want and even a little bit more because she gets off on gluttony and the thought of the number on the scale going upupup. She is dangerous because fat is never fat enough for her and things like immobility and heart attacks are the stuff of her daydreams rather than her nightmares.

    But this other side of me isn't totally hating it. The side of me that bases my self esteem on what other ppl think of me is loving it except for the fact that I'm still not really thin. That side of me is happy I'm not considered obese anymore, but she fantasizes about how much more everyone will love me when I'm not even overweight anymore, when I'm "a normal healthy weight" by bmi standards. And then thinks Hmm, what if I could actually become underweight, why I bet everyone would just die of jealousy if you could count all my ribs and I wore a size 00 just like a supermodel! This side pushes me to go as long as I can without eating and count every calorie when I finally do because she gets off on being hungry and the thought of the number on the scale going downdowndown. She is the side everyone is praising right now, but she's dangerous too because thin is never thin enough for her and things like passing out from not eating and being hospitalized to save her from starving are the stuff of her daydreams not her nightmares.

    I know not all FAs actually have a desire to be fat themselves and among those that do not all have succumbed to the cultural pressure to diet and be thin, but for me it's tough being stuck between the two extremes. It's like the only place I can't be satisfied with myself is the one place I SHOULD BE, when I'm at "a normal healthy weight", but for me it's more like an unhappy medium. Just wondering if I'm alone in this?
     
  2. Jul 8, 2018 #2

    loopytheone

    loopytheone

    loopytheone

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    No, you aren't alone in that. A lot of (F)FAs I've met actually struggle with eating disorders.

    I'm not going to be able to really contribute to this or offer any advice as I can't really cope with talks about eating disorders, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone.
     
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  3. Jul 11, 2018 #3

    TwoSwords

    TwoSwords

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    I've never really had this issue. I have situations where I'll wrestle with the facts, to try to determine the strength of weakness of specific arguments made against fatness (usually pretty weak,) but I'm a confident individualist; especially with regard to the issue of weight.

    I do, however, sympathize with your first paragraph, and am in a near-constant struggle to keep from losing any more weight.
     
  4. Jul 11, 2018 #4

    LifelongFA

    LifelongFA

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    Almost every large woman I have gotten to know well over the past 25 years has ended up with some kind of eating disorder. The majority of these issues stem from dieting attempts. Many of these issues and diets developed during childhood and teen years often from a parent - some well intentioned - many not so much. Others did it to try to attract or keep a man during their 20s. Others did not have issues until after having children. The last round includes those who had WLS but eventually gained weight back. In the end, while most of these women had some sort of seminal moment where they stopped dieting and starting living, it did not occur until a significant amount of physical and emotional damage had already occurred. Metabolisms and self-perceptions are hard to reset after decades of abuse.
     
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  5. Jul 24, 2018 #5

    Lastminute.Tom

    Lastminute.Tom

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    I realise now I've never had my own opinion of my body I've adopted other people's opinions (or what I expected them to be from their expressions) and not listening to what I think about me, I've let others define my physical self worth.

    I still can't hear compliments from my partner without thinking, "well she has to say that", even though I know she is sincere.

    I think of my body like a mansion but I'm just a hoarder scrabbling around in the attic because every other room is just filled with self vilification, broken mirrors and self hating versions of me spouting other peoples words.

    I think for now that's ok because I'm aware of it and so I can change it, in this society its normal to hate your body, to always be on a diet a cleanse or a new exercise regime. I accept that one day I will love my body, one day all the rooms will be spic and span with a new coat of paint, not because of weight loss but because I have found a way love my body and I cherish what it does for me and those I care about.

    Anyway sorry got sidetracked by my own spiel-

    Squeez, You are beautiful, part of you knows that, I think I pushed that part of me out of myself and it developed into my fa-ness, it sounds like you already had self acceptance though and now the weight loss has shifted your perspective, but that's ok, you are human, your weight is probably going to fluctuate but that's ok, you are beautiful, one day you will love your body again, and if that day isn't today that's ok, you're human, a beautiful human, a beautiful woman, and that's all that matters.
     
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