Self-loathing because of your (*air quotes*) fetish?

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sara303066

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Ooookay so, I’m very good at guilt-tripping myself so much so that it stymies a lot of my romantic life. When I was a tween and younger teen it seemed like there ware a number of articles in magazines and newspapers popping up about people who found fat sexually attractive. They were entirely negative, casting feeders as abusers who fed their partner into an early grave and preyed on someone’s insecurities for their own sexual fantasy. I knew that I was one of theses people who was drawn to larger body types over any other, and really internalized these articles as the only information about myself I knew of at the time. My family, and my mother especially, are extremely “health conscious” but in actuality are more “weight conscious” than anything else. I felt like my desires were not only illicit, they were also harmful to others.

Discovering dims and the tumblr community has really helped me develop a more-informed and circumspect (almost adult....) opinion. There’s days where I’m like screw those articles that made me hate my attractions! It’s Not! A! Fetish! Liking larger bodies is the same as liking curly hair or brown eyes, a natural human quirk! Being fat does not automatically equal unhealthy! People who say it’s not valid are just uncomfortable with anything that challenges the narrow worldview they’ve put their trust into!

All three of the (good) relationships I’ve had have been with chubby to fat guys, and the only time I voiced my attraction to a bf he simply responded that he already knew. Of course he knew! How could he not? I realized that this was something I didn’t have to say and would never need to say. But it seemed to have so much weight (pun) that I cried afterwards. So even though I’ve never had a negative experience, I’m still afraid a partner will come to view me in the way that I’d thought of myself; as exploitative and sadistic and that’s very painful to think about.

Has anyone had a similar mentality? What has helped you?
 

Archetypus

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I have an unpopular opinion on this. Unpopular on this forum, anyway.

I wouldn't necessarily use the words "exploitative and sadistic", and I wouldn't want to you feel bad about your proclivities. We all have our thing.

Hanging out around here, I've found that most self-styled FAs/FFAs/feeders are pretty self-involved. It seems like they spend a lot of time patting themselves on the back, swapping fanfic and living vicariously through Tumblr that they fail to see beyond the fantasy aspect.

While you might have fun shoving endless amounts of junk food into your lover's mouth and slapping their tits about, it won't be you having open-heart surgery in your 30s. It's not you that has to wake up every day to endless discrimination, cruel jokes and unsolicited health advice.

In fact, I've lost track of how many times I've seen a fat admirer say something like, "OMG I feel so bad that I feed him/her all this garbage, but as for myself I subsist solely on nuts and berries because I don't want to be fat or unhealthy or discriminated against."

It's shallow hypocrisy, and it shows a fundamental lack of caring toward your partner. That said, as long as the participants consent and acknowledge the flaws in their reasoning, there isn't any reason they should feel bad or not engage in the behavior. Just keep it real about the consequences and who has to pay that bill when it drops.

As for exploitation, I suppose it depends on the nature of the relationship. Affection for the socially marginalized is like a drop of water for the dying. For some, a genuine bond is made and la-la-la, happily ever after. For others it's like, "UGH he/she lost another 20 pounds, and since MY happiness is penultimate, I'm out!"

Well, fat people are more than just lardy leviathans, here to sexually arouse you and nothing more. To treat them otherwise is just rude and gross - but it doesn't stop it from happening. Just like it doesn't stop any sort of exploitation from happening. The difference is all in the choices you make, how you comport yourself and how you apprehend the subject of your affections.

I understand feeling a bit of self-hatred for the things that turn us on. Oftentimes I find myself wondering "WTF is wrong with you, don't you realize how wrong that is?" I think this is natural and also beneficial. It allows me to demarcate between fantasy and reality, and to act accordingly. The attitude that one shouldn't ever question one's actions and motivations is immature to say the least, and a bit too prominent around here for my taste.

Of course, I don't speak for anyone but myself, and I acknowledge I'm making some broad generalizations (perhaps unfairly), and I could be wrong.
 

sara303066

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Thanks Archetypus! <3 You’re absolutely right, and this is helping me think things out a lil bit

I guess the questions to ask are: would this person still be with me if I gained/lost weight? If I was really sick? Hurt? And if the answer is no then it’s a purely physical relationship, which is ok so long as both people are aware and want that type of relationship. If one person is unaware of the nature of the relationship, or is led to believe that it is otherwise, or feels forced, it’s exploitation…? I never enter into a relationship with someone unless I’m willing to do almost anything for them, their happiness and their health. (which is the type of relationship I’m looking for now)

And probably my definition of fat is specific to the environment I’ve grown up in. I’m the fattest in a kinda slim family, and became used to having others weigh in on what was/wasn’t a good idea to eat, if I was eating at a bad time, too much etc. and I’ve never had a bmi above 21. Recently I lost 15lbs that I didn’t need to loose due to depression, and when I told my mother that I’d lost weight and my doctor was concerned she responded with &#8216;that must be a good thing, because it means you’re feeling better!’.

What bothered me was the way that the articles made it seem as though being attracted to fat = fetish. Idk like sure you can have a fetish for bdsm or roleplaying or whatevs…? But trying to claim that liking a human trait is a fetish? Like no. Fetishization of marginalized groups for completely natural things makes it so much harder for the marginalized groups. I think I understood this at the time, and didn’t want to be a part of the problem. I also didn’t question the articles, which is already hard for a 14-year-old to do, especially if you come from a family culture that already has unhealthy views about weight (plus there was some really good rhetoric…). Now that I’m slightly older and more of my own person I’m seeing the differences between myself and the people written about in those articles, whom people really should be wary of



tl;dr chubby cuddles pls
 

Castelen

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Thanks Archetypus! <3 You’re absolutely right, and this is helping me think things out a lil bit

I guess the questions to ask are: would this person still be with me if I gained/lost weight? If I was really sick? Hurt? And if the answer is no then it’s a purely physical relationship, which is ok so long as both people are aware and want that type of relationship. If one person is unaware of the nature of the relationship, or is led to believe that it is otherwise, or feels forced, it’s exploitation…? I never enter into a relationship with someone unless I’m willing to do almost anything for them, their happiness and their health. (which is the type of relationship I’m looking for now)

And probably my definition of fat is specific to the environment I’ve grown up in. I’m the fattest in a kinda slim family, and became used to having others weigh in on what was/wasn’t a good idea to eat, if I was eating at a bad time, too much etc. and I’ve never had a bmi above 21. Recently I lost 15lbs that I didn’t need to loose due to depression, and when I told my mother that I’d lost weight and my doctor was concerned she responded with ‘that must be a good thing, because it means you’re feeling better!’.

What bothered me was the way that the articles made it seem as though being attracted to fat = fetish. Idk like sure you can have a fetish for bdsm or roleplaying or whatevs…? But trying to claim that liking a human trait is a fetish? Like no. Fetishization of marginalized groups for completely natural things makes it so much harder for the marginalized groups. I think I understood this at the time, and didn’t want to be a part of the problem. I also didn’t question the articles, which is already hard for a 14-year-old to do, especially if you come from a family culture that already has unhealthy views about weight (plus there was some really good rhetoric…). Now that I’m slightly older and more of my own person I’m seeing the differences between myself and the people written about in those articles, whom people really should be wary of



tl;dr chubby cuddles pls

Is being labeled a fetishist a bad thing? It's pretty common that something out of the sexual norm is being labeled a fetish, even if it doesn't directly fit the definition of a fetish.

Where do you draw the line for something being a fetish? If a person gets off only when his/her parter is wearing socks, that would be labeled a fetish, right? What about if a person only gets off when his/her partner has red hair and freckles on his/her face, would that be considered a fetish?

What I'm trying to say is that you or anybody else shouldn't feel bad for having a sexual preference, even if someone labels it as a fetish. Ofcourse there is exceptions to this: when your object of desire isn't capable of making their own decisions.

When two people are happy for being attracted to each other, who the hell has the right to say that it's wrong because it promotes an unhealthy lifestyle? All you need to say is fuck them and keep caressing those curves.
 

loopytheone

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I do identify with what you are saying a lot. I come from a family who are very weight conscious and have been bombarded with articles and conversations describing feeders as evil and controlling. That anybody who is with a fat person is only with them because they are desperate/easier to control/less likely to cheat. It took me a while to realise that I don't have to agree with or internalise their prejudice and judgement of other people for the way they look.

Date people that you find attractive, inside and out, and who feel the same way about you. There isn't anything wrong with that.
 

KingBuu

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I was in a relationship and I was the one that was controlling.
 

Tad

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Self-loathing, no, I never went that far. Self-doubt? Certainly -- despite my mostly bullet-proof ego. And plenty of times when I wondered why I couldn't have more 'normal' sexual preferences, and even a few when I wondered if I was actually a terrible match for my wife and if she'd have been much happier with her life with someone else... but then again, I think most people have doubts about _something_ when it comes to relationships, and will have those low points when the doubts get the better of rationality.

Mind you:

- I never read that sort of article while finding myself,

- my family is more background-disapproving of fat rather than militant about it,

- I had fat desires for myself as much as for my partner, so I didn't have that added burden of possible guilt, and

- I'm a guy, and I suspect that on average we relate to our sexuality differently than do women (different hormonal responses, leading to probably different likely emotions, etc)
 

tankyguy

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Speaking only for myself, I'm going to be fat with or without anyone finding it attractive, and I don't believe in postmodern objectification. I am more than a social construction; more than a victim of a confluence of external forces. Being fat is a result of my choices. Remaining fat is also a choice for me to make.

I choose, therefore I have agency.
If someone is attracted to the results of my choices, so be it.
If someone reviles me because of the results of my choices, so be it.

I can't control how people feel about me, so why dwell on it?
Likewise, one can't control how blogs and family members feel about a FFA/FA relationship, so why dwell on it?
 

magodamilion

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I want to address what was said earlier in the thread about whether there can be a fetish towards something that's just a human trait. It's something I've thought a lot about and this is what I've come to:

the difference between a fetish and an attraction has to do with how you feel towards people with the characteristic you're attracted to, outside sexual settings. If you want to know the person with X characteristic, settle down with them, hang out with them whatever as well as have sex with them it's just an attraction. If you're sexually attracted to them but don't otherwise want people with x characteristic openly in other parts of you're life, then it's a fetish. Under these terms, if you have a fetish for a group of people it's probably a bad or unhealthy thing, but if you have an attraction for them it's all good and well. it's I think this is a good rule of them to distinguish between the two for a broad array of fetishes/attractions. It's helped me better understand my own feelings as an FFA.
 

Tad

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Speaking only for myself, I'm going to be fat with or without anyone finding it attractive, and I don't believe in postmodern objectification. I am more than a social construction; more than a victim of a confluence of external forces. Being fat is a result of my choices. Remaining fat is also a choice for me to make.

I choose, therefore I have agency.
If someone is attracted to the results of my choices, so be it.
If someone reviles me because of the results of my choices, so be it.

I can't control how people feel about me, so why dwell on it?
Likewise, one can't control how blogs and family members feel about a FFA/FA relationship, so why dwell on it?

Speaking as one FA (whether the female FA experience differs in this area, I couldn't tell you--but certainly it will differ from person to person), absolutely me being an FA will have an inflationary influence on my wife's weight. Not because I'm trying to make her eat or telling her she has to gain, but little things like:

- celebrating good news? My first thought will be a big dinner out. Big dinners have warm-fuzzy associations to me, so are perfect for a celebration. But you know, we could also have gone to a play or movie, done some mini-golfing, taken a day to do a scenic hike....

- If she is feeling bad about her size I'm quick to assure her that she looks good to me, if her clothes are tight I'm there figuring out where/when/how to buy new clothes, etc. If her clothes are loose, sure I'll help her with shopping, but probably don't notice enough to even think about driving the process forward, if she's been under a lot of stress and feels that she looks drained I may say lots of nice things, but I won't be saying "On the plus side, you dropped some weight from not eating while stressed" etc.

- I happily slow down to her pace and her range for walking, biking, etc. Going slower or less far is a pleasure for me. I'm less apt to try and push her to her physical limit, to make her feel the burn, or be saying "OK, let's get you a really good work out from this ride." If she wants to go for a long ride that will leave her exhausted, I'll be delighted and enjoy the ride, but it doesn't occur to me often, nor appeal that much when it does occur, to be an informal fitness coach.

It is all small things like this, but I liken it to her being a sailboat, and the breeze is blowing gently toward weight-gain-land, even when I'm trying to not blow her in that direction. She can absolutely sail against the wind, but it is harder, slower, work than just coasting along with the breeze.

As an FA, I have to accept some responsibility for the weight that she's gained over the years. I didn't make her gain, but I made it easier for her to gain, and probably harder for her to lose.

So the question is really, what is the appropriate emotional response to such acceptance?
 

sara303066

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the difference between a fetish and an attraction has to do with how you feel towards people with the characteristic you're attracted to, outside sexual settings. If you want to know the person with X characteristic, settle down with them, hang out with them whatever as well as have sex with them it's just an attraction. If you're sexually attracted to them but don't otherwise want people with x characteristic openly in other parts of you're life, then it's a fetish. Under these terms, if you have a fetish for a group of people it's probably a bad or unhealthy thing, but if you have an attraction for them it's all good and well. it's I think this is a good rule of them to distinguish between the two for a broad array of fetishes/attractions. It's helped me better understand my own feelings as an FFA.

That’s a really good distinction Magodamilion, thanks! It upset me when people would look at my dating history and conclude “she’s got a fetish for fat guys” which makes it seem as though this is something I do serially purely fueled by sexual desire, when in actuality this is the person I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. There’s always going to be people who’ll willfully misconstrue, and it’s easier to let comments from crude people not even faze you slightly after considering this.

It took me a while to realise that I don't have to agree with or internalise their prejudice and judgement of other people for the way they look. Date people that you find attractive, inside and out, and who feel the same way about you. There isn't anything wrong with that.

<3 <3 <3

Speaking as one FA (whether the female FA experience differs in this area, I couldn't tell you--but certainly it will differ from person to person), absolutely me being an FA will have an inflationary influence on my wife's weight. Not because I'm trying to make her eat or telling her she has to gain, but little things like:

- celebrating good news? My first thought will be a big dinner out. Big dinners have warm-fuzzy associations to me, so are perfect for a celebration. But you know, we could also have gone to a play or movie, done some mini-golfing, taken a day to do a scenic hike....

- If she is feeling bad about her size I'm quick to assure her that she looks good to me, if her clothes are tight I'm there figuring out where/when/how to buy new clothes, etc. If her clothes are loose, sure I'll help her with shopping, but probably don't notice enough to even think about driving the process forward, if she's been under a lot of stress and feels that she looks drained I may say lots of nice things, but I won't be saying "On the plus side, you dropped some weight from not eating while stressed" etc.

- I happily slow down to her pace and her range for walking, biking, etc. Going slower or less far is a pleasure for me. I'm less apt to try and push her to her physical limit, to make her feel the burn, or be saying "OK, let's get you a really good work out from this ride." If she wants to go for a long ride that will leave her exhausted, I'll be delighted and enjoy the ride, but it doesn't occur to me often, nor appeal that much when it does occur, to be an informal fitness coach.

It is all small things like this, but I liken it to her being a sailboat, and the breeze is blowing gently toward weight-gain-land, even when I'm trying to not blow her in that direction. She can absolutely sail against the wind, but it is harder, slower, work than just coasting along with the breeze.

As an FA, I have to accept some responsibility for the weight that she's gained over the years. I didn't make her gain, but I made it easier for her to gain, and probably harder for her to lose.

So the question is really, what is the appropriate emotional response to such acceptance?

Your outlook and lifestyle with your wife is great! It’s not as though you’re endorsing eating junk food constantly without any exercise (which was what the selected feeders/FAs interviewed were doing… I guess it makes for a sensational story..). Rather you’re enjoying life by going out, biking and hiking for pleasure, eating nourishing food when you feel like it while being supportive of one another!

There weren’t examples of this type of relationship in my life when I was younger, and when I found what little information there was that related to myself I took in this extreme as the basis of understanding myself. The self-loathing is gradually being exorcised, thanks fam
 

Anjula

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I don't know if I'm weird or something (or maybe shallow?) but for me fat is way more then a preference. I said it hundreds of times, I can't have a healthy relationship with a slim guy. Ive tried and I wanted it more then anything. But it failed. For me it's like being gay, after all you CAN date the opposite gender but it's just not it. Same here. I was so in love with slim guy that I spend almost s year in deep emotional shithole, not leaving bed for days, not eating, laying hours in cold water in bathtub thinking about ending this all simply because we had to break up BECAUSE he knew as well as I did that I'm not satisfied. I'm not a feeder, never pushed anyone towards gaining but at some point I begged him to gain some weight, to at least hit 250lbs but he didn't want to and I respected that. As people mentioned it's unhealthy and I'm nt gonna put anyone's health at denger because it's what my pussy wants. Of course I could've tried to kill all those feelings and cravings but it would be like killing a part of me. Being an ffa plays a huge role in my everyday life, maybe that's because I have a male brain and think about sex 23 hours a day? :p whatever it is I never been ashamed because I love fat, never cared about ppl opinions but that's propbably because I don't care about that in general. On the other hand I have mix feelings about feeders and I highly agree with the second post here.
Peace!
 

BnB

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Sigh, this very much speaks to me. I don't like to identify as an FFA (I don't like the extra F implying that the default designation for Fat Admirers is male), but I am a woman who's into fat guys. And I have a fat fetish. Fat turns me on. And I don't objectify my boyfriend (without consent), but it's still a struggle because boyfriend hates being fat and I feel bad about getting turned on by something he hates. :(
 

agouderia

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Sigh, this very much speaks to me. I don't like to identify as an FFA (I don't like the extra F implying that the default designation for Fat Admirers is male), but I am a woman who's into fat guys.

Very interesting aspect! And I definitely can relate to it.

On a different level, it ties a bit into what Anjula wrote and what I've also commented on here and there on these boards.

Women simply aren't defined over their sexual preferences, mostly it is belittled that they might have any decisive ones - or they're determined as deductions from a male defined sexuality.

How much do we know - from media coverage, internet sites, literature about male preferences for boobs, buts, BBWs, blondes, brunettes, feet, whatever? In comparison - any ideas on female sexual preferences and fetishes?
 

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