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blubberismanly

Basically New
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Jul 30, 2010
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Ok so rather than dwell on my rapidly loosing faith in the males of our species (so not fair cause I know for every creep out there there has to be at least one good guy), or whinge and moan about being single (wich I have no reason to do its only been a few months)

I thought I would ask all the women here who are single (or even if your not) how you manage to survive in singlesville?

what are your tips, hints and tricks to getting through life as a single woman?

and for dealing with the creeps in life??

I am all for learning some new things and thought we could create a survival guide of sorts to help us navigate the shark infested waters of singledom


hugs


Here's my take, albeit from the dark side.

Men will never be interested in the person before the body. If the body is not inviting (meaning not dressed to kill, so to speak) they won't be curious. There's the obvious flaunt it if ii got it idea, and there's the be modest and get nothing one. If you choose to flaunt it, be appropriate to the place or event. In other words, it may be tempting to wear our overly flattering concert gear to a first date, but that may not work out if the date isn't to a concert. Should you choose to be modest and not wear tight things or show skin...well, let's all hope you're good enough looking to compensate.

As far as surviving singlehood goes...all I can say is life goes on. I have been for entirely too long and there is no end in sight. It is easier to stop looking, or pretend to let fate or destiny do the work. I just accept it. I mean, of coarse I'll go out if I'm asked. I'm not actively seeking a companion anymore. Too many dead ends, wasted evenings and deleted phone numbers.

I also feel that getting married has become a social thing. It used to be necessity back in the days of women not working outside the home and raising the kids. Our parents, many of whom were stay at home boomers, took it upon themselves to beat independance into our heads. So now we all live as individuals even after we get married. I guess what I'm saying is this generation was raised to be single. The more time one spends in the dating pool the more obvious it becomes. I don't think the majority of men are assholes, but I do think thy are picky. And they can be--just was we don't need men in our lives, they don't need women, either. With that in mind, I say again: for the most part, dating is a waste.

That's my rant. I hope it made sense to someone.
 

superodalisque

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Here's my take, albeit from the dark side.

Men will never be interested in the person before the body. If the body is not inviting (meaning not dressed to kill, so to speak) they won't be curious. There's the obvious flaunt it if ii got it idea, and there's the be modest and get nothing one. If you choose to flaunt it, be appropriate to the place or event. In other words, it may be tempting to wear our overly flattering concert gear to a first date, but that may not work out if the date isn't to a concert. Should you choose to be modest and not wear tight things or show skin...well, let's all hope you're good enough looking to compensate.

As far as surviving singlehood goes...all I can say is life goes on. I have been for entirely too long and there is no end in sight. It is easier to stop looking, or pretend to let fate or destiny do the work. I just accept it. I mean, of coarse I'll go out if I'm asked. I'm not actively seeking a companion anymore. Too many dead ends, wasted evenings and deleted phone numbers.

I also feel that getting married has become a social thing. It used to be necessity back in the days of women not working outside the home and raising the kids. Our parents, many of whom were stay at home boomers, took it upon themselves to beat independance into our heads. So now we all live as individuals even after we get married. I guess what I'm saying is this generation was raised to be single. The more time one spends in the dating pool the more obvious it becomes. I don't think the majority of men are assholes, but I do think thy are picky. And they can be--just was we don't need men in our lives, they don't need women, either. With that in mind, I say again: for the most part, dating is a waste.

That's my rant. I hope it made sense to someone.

i'm so sorry that you are experiencing this right now. i'm not saying this to be rude or to invalidate your experiences, but thank God that all the men i know are not like the men you have just described. i do know some to be sure as probably every woman here does. i dunno but is it possible thats an impression maybe you've gotten from the net? sounds like your accepting some online lies that some men tell to get away with stuff. all men are NOT just like them. they just like saying so in order to continue being real jerk nut case.

there are some really great men IRL who aren't so juvenile as to be totally stuck on looks and physicality. men of course will appreciate what pleases the eye, just like anyone else. but that doesn't mean that men can't or won't value simplicity, grace and kindness in women. there are lots of things besides looks and body parts that makes a woman beautiful to a real man. the ones who really get it and have had relationships before get extremely excited by many things no one can see with the eye. don't sell men short. they are capable of a whole lot of great things , just like any woman. don't let some warped loser man or men make you feel there aren't.

if a woman feels that there are only the kind of men you mentioned out there then it is probably a good time for her to be stepping back anyway because maybe she is just too hurt or too disillusioned to be with anyone right now. when a great guy comes she won't be able to see him if she's in that place with those types around her. maybe time alone would help her cleanse herself of some toxic emotions brought on by exposure to too many emotionally retarded guys. that way when the right guy does come she has fewer things that make her resentful and angry that she might hold against him.
 

blubberismanly

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That did come from experience, and none was a lie. Entirely. I admit I may be a bit disillusioned, but not horribly so. I still think it starts with appearance. I mean, what guy would buy a drink for a not-so-hot chick? A lot of it may just be patience, with sex being most important to too many guys. It's my understanding that if a guy can't picture himself in bed with a chick, he won't want anything to do with her. I think the difference between juvenile and adult here lies in the sublty. Think of this: a guy who isn't into BBWs would never find one attractive, and would never hit on one. Sex appeal is always first.
 

superodalisque

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That did come from experience, and none was a lie. Entirely. I admit I may be a bit disillusioned, but not horribly so. I still think it starts with appearance. I mean, what guy would buy a drink for a not-so-hot chick? A lot of it may just be patience, with sex being most important to too many guys. It's my understanding that if a guy can't picture himself in bed with a chick, he won't want anything to do with her. I think the difference between juvenile and adult here lies in the sublty. Think of this: a guy who isn't into BBWs would never find one attractive, and would never hit on one. Sex appeal is always first.

i agree with you on a certain level. i think that can be true to some extent for some sexually inexperienced men but even then not all. young guys come to clubs generally because they are anxious to get laid and work out their newly freed from Momma's house libido. the last thing men want to do is dress up and go and dance. they go there expressly to meet women--and usually for sex and not relationships. its true that some older men do as well, usually because they are emotionally immature. i think part of that might be due to the ways that people rush and trivialize relationships now. they don't take much time to know each other as people. in a club with loud music and short time no one has any way to know anything about anyone else. and then you have online with emotional distance an anonymity that tends to make people act as though they are just doing a bit of online shopping. so how can they really be faulted for choosing based only on looks? there isn't a whole lot more out here for them in those situations. its true a lot of men talk about looks a lot, but you'll notice that the women they usually decide they love and can't do without probably have little or nothing in common with their dream girl. thats just a sexual fantasy. it takes some men a while to understand what the real difference is between pure arousal and love connected arousal. once they do and have the real thing, if they are emotionally capable, they really don't want to go back to what they had before. so the sex fantasy talk and what they want in their hearts often have little or nothing to do with each other.

most people with deep long lasting relationships don't meet that way. you need time to really fall for someone. they need a chance to have feelings grow for you based on your character and what you do or say. if people don't have that chance then naturally they go to the looks when there isn't enough time to know more. i think thats why its great to make being single into the art of being yourself so that you get more chances to meet people just being you and doing things that are important to you. then men get a chance to fall in love with something other than what a woman looks like. i mean, who can blame them if looks are all thats being put on the table for them. they have to work with what they've got. so going to a book signing, cooking class, art class etc... not only gives you pleasure but you'll never know who you'll meet there who gets the chance to fall in love with who you are instead of having to wade through the cleavage and music so loud that no one can even fall for the way your mind works and whats coming out of your heart.
 

LovelyLiz

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I agree with your above post so much, SuperO. I am grateful to know lots of guys who really do care, deeply, about a woman's character and intellect and what she brings to the table besides her body. Most of my close male friends definitely appreciate a good looking woman (whatever that means to them), but she doesn't hold their attention if she doesn't bring a heck of a lot else to the table. And I know several guys that talk about becoming interested in a girl based on a comment she shared during a discussion, etc., something a lot deeper than just looks.

Quality guys are SO out there. It really just depends where you look.

I guess remembering that, and spending time with men who are like that, even as friends - can give me hope in my singleness.
 

blubberismanly

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Uhm, I wasn't referring solely to clubs...I've seen my friends get all dressed up just to go shopping. People meet everywhere. That's why I originally mentioned that it's good to dress appropriate for the event. I agree with the part about clubs...but again, not fully.

The whole getting to know people in time is very true. But with all out individualism and independance it can be hard to find time to really know a person. Sounds like a lame excuse, but I think the influence is there. There are tons of people who don't think dating is fun. I'm not even in a minority here. But so many of those people are of the balanced mature mind you speak of it makes me wonder if they have the time and freedom to take to get to know someone better. And that could go for anyone, too. The single life we all get lost in can be as much a luxury as it is necessity. Luxury in the freedom sense, necessity in the financial sense.
 

EMH1701

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I am pretty much a total nerd. I have found that sci-fi fandom tends to be more tolerant of differences socially, so it's a good place to be in terms of social interaction. I also play WoW and D&D.
 

superodalisque

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Uhm, I wasn't referring solely to clubs...I've seen my friends get all dressed up just to go shopping. People meet everywhere. That's why I originally mentioned that it's good to dress appropriate for the event. I agree with the part about clubs...but again, not fully.

The whole getting to know people in time is very true. But with all out individualism and independance it can be hard to find time to really know a person. Sounds like a lame excuse, but I think the influence is there. There are tons of people who don't think dating is fun. I'm not even in a minority here. But so many of those people are of the balanced mature mind you speak of it makes me wonder if they have the time and freedom to take to get to know someone better. And that could go for anyone, too. The single life we all get lost in can be as much a luxury as it is necessity. Luxury in the freedom sense, necessity in the financial sense.

i think you're right about that. but i do think if something is actually important enough at a particular moment a person will make the time though. its probably more of a case of just not meeting the person who makes someone feel emotionally that they really want to and that the pluses outweigh the negatives. plus the way people talk about marriage , coupling etc... now you can't leave out the heavy dose of fear of failure that people didn't seem to have to deal so much with in the past.

its not really necessary to couple up in life anyway. if living life on ones own and being independent is most important they definitely should not rush or force themselves. from what i gather from your profile you are pretty young. you have a lot of time to be a part of a couple when and if thats important enough to you and you meet the right person for you. it really is just fine for you to enjoy life on your own at any age. but right now you're probably just taking the time to find out who you really are. you don't have to do anything other than live your own life. enjoy the luxury of the freedom. as for the finances it can actually cost less to be in a couple and people who are married fare better financially. but thats no real reason to get into the mix anyway.

i think a big part of the issue for women is the pressure and the judgement from outside about what other people think you should be doing. people have a way of trying to make you second guess yourself and what you are comfortable with.
 

lushluv

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Hi. This is my first time posting here. I've been a chub since I was four, known of this site for many years, and haven't participated, but now realizing that I don't want to give up on this love thing, and knowing in my heart of hearts I don't want to settle for not being loved for all of me, I've meet a FA that I am very much interested in, he's funny, extremely intelligent, super sweet a little quirky, and tall. ;)

The one delima I'm having being new to all this and that I'd hoped you ladies could help me with is how do you/have you handled the food comments, the jiggly belly comments, and the feeling that sometimes everything is centered around your size.

I've been reading around the board for a couple of weeks now, and it's sensory overload, so I just thought I'd ask for some advice, so my question, how do you deal with that, and yes I have talked to him, and he said he would curb it not only for my sake, but for his, but the side of me that wholehearted accepts we are attracted to what we are attracted to can't help but feel I am somehow being unfair to him, but I can't help the way I feel about the issue. :(

Am I over thinking? :confused: Just tell me, because I tend to over think EVERYTHING. :rolleyes:

Thanks.

LL
 

blubberismanly

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from what i gather from your profile you are pretty young. you have a lot of time to be a part of a couple when and if thats important enough to you and you meet the right person for you. it really is just fine for you to enjoy life on your own at any age. but right now you're probably just taking the time to find out who you really are. you don't have to do anything other than live your own life. enjoy the luxury of the freedom. as for the finances it can actually cost less to be in a couple and people who are married fare better financially. but thats no real reason to get into the mix anyway..


HAHAHA!! I swear I'm not mocking; it's the irony at work. I couldn't help but laugh at that part. I've been married, though not anymore. I'm well aware of what I want, but that doesn't always factor in. And I do enjoy myself--I go clubbing from time to time. And it is cheaper being single, especially being a woman. It's just everything else outside that nightlife fantasy world I have issues with, man wise.

I agree with you, by the way.
 

LillyBBBW

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Hi. This is my first time posting here. I've been a chub since I was four, known of this site for many years, and haven't participated, but now realizing that I don't want to give up on this love thing, and knowing in my heart of hearts I don't want to settle for not being loved for all of me, I've meet a FA that I am very much interested in, he's funny, extremely intelligent, super sweet a little quirky, and tall. ;)

The one delima I'm having being new to all this and that I'd hoped you ladies could help me with is how do you/have you handled the food comments, the jiggly belly comments, and the feeling that sometimes everything is centered around your size.

I've been reading around the board for a couple of weeks now, and it's sensory overload, so I just thought I'd ask for some advice, so my question, how do you deal with that, and yes I have talked to him, and he said he would curb it not only for my sake, but for his, but the side of me that wholehearted accepts we are attracted to what we are attracted to can't help but feel I am somehow being unfair to him, but I can't help the way I feel about the issue. :(

Am I over thinking? :confused: Just tell me, because I tend to over think EVERYTHING. :rolleyes:

Thanks.

LL

Here on Dimensions you can find a logical explanation for just about any kind of behavior you can name. Somebody will relate to it and explain why it happens or where it comes from. Enough people wil have experienced it to give it a sense of normalcy in some way or another but the bottom line is for you to be true to yourself. Just like your FA sweetie has needs and feelings so do you and one should not trump the other. Understanding is good but it doesn't mean you *have* to lie still and deal with things that make you uncomfortable. If you've talked it out and you've negotiate something that he agrees is healthy for both of you I think that's a good thing overall.
 

lushluv

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Here on Dimensions you can find a logical explanation for just about any kind of behavior you can name. Somebody will relate to it and explain why it happens or where it comes from. Enough people wil have experienced it to give it a sense of normalcy in some way or another but the bottom line is for you to be true to yourself. Just like your FA sweetie has needs and feelings so do you and one should not trump the other. Understanding is good but it doesn't mean you *have* to lie still and deal with things that make you uncomfortable. If you've talked it out and you've negotiate something that he agrees is healthy for both of you I think that's a good thing overall.


That makes a ton of sense, (I can't talk to people in my life about this stuff, they seriously don't relate). I've just got to relax and stay true to what I feel is good for me, and stop giving in to my fears.

Thank you Lilly. :)
 

LillyBBBW

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That makes a ton of sense, (I can't talk to people in my life about this stuff, they seriously don't relate). I've just got to relax and stay true to what I feel is good for me, and stop giving in to my fears.

Thank you Lilly. :)

Heehee, I'm glad my ramblings could help. Welcome to the boards and I wish you both the best. Don't be a stranger. :)
 

superodalisque

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Hi. This is my first time posting here. I've been a chub since I was four, known of this site for many years, and haven't participated, but now realizing that I don't want to give up on this love thing, and knowing in my heart of hearts I don't want to settle for not being loved for all of me, I've meet a FA that I am very much interested in, he's funny, extremely intelligent, super sweet a little quirky, and tall. ;)

The one delima I'm having being new to all this and that I'd hoped you ladies could help me with is how do you/have you handled the food comments, the jiggly belly comments, and the feeling that sometimes everything is centered around your size.

I've been reading around the board for a couple of weeks now, and it's sensory overload, so I just thought I'd ask for some advice, so my question, how do you deal with that, and yes I have talked to him, and he said he would curb it not only for my sake, but for his, but the side of me that wholehearted accepts we are attracted to what we are attracted to can't help but feel I am somehow being unfair to him, but I can't help the way I feel about the issue. :(

Am I over thinking? :confused: Just tell me, because I tend to over think EVERYTHING. :rolleyes:

Thanks.

LL

i can't handle it and thats exactly why i could not or would not be with that type of guy. not that they are necessarily horrible people but i'm personally not comfortable with that much of a fixation in a relationship. i'd feel the same about a guy who was always talking about boobs etc... i'd keep waiting for him to grow up. it would just be emotionally disappointing for me to have someone dealing with me on that level all of the time. i would expect it in a 15 yr old but not in an adult.
 

lovelocs

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I guess there's now another L.L. in here. :p I'm lovelocs.
When it comes to fixations, from my experience, it can be difficult to overcome them (a turn on is a turn on, and they're powerful for a reason). But if you're with this FA, and he's agreed to tone it down to a level that you're comfortable with, I don't see why you should feel guilty. You asserted a boundary, and he respected it. (OMGthat'slikesohealthy). Seriously. If he keeps on respecting it, that's a really good sign. If he feels constricted, he has to tell you this, or as far as I'm concerned, you're not liable and have nothing to feel guilty about. I don't care how perfect someone seems, boundaries have to be set with people. We were all raised in different households and communities and cultures and even countries and continents: so what's acceptable in one home may not be acceptable in another. He may even have a (hopefully reasonable) request, or two, for you. I say good luck to you, both!
 

spiritangel

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So how do you cope with the holliday season as a single girl?

for me I work hard to make sure I at least have a few things comming in the mail that I have bought for myself, make sure that I have a few special treats and usually set new years goals instead of resoloutions

this is my first NYE alone in 7 years the last one I cut out prepped, sewed and made a new bear that started in the old year and was finished in the new one.

so this year it will be a small feast of chinger prawns, and some special things for myself mayby a bear mayby some irocking but I will be spending it none the less alone and that is ok, I really am not as phased by it as I thought I would be.
 

CarlaSixx

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As a single girl on NYE, I make sure to have plans. I mayhave continued to stay single, but I always went out, had fun, made new friends, and got a bit of action. If just a kiss or a grope for a night, so be it.
 

penguin

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So how do you cope with the holliday season as a single girl?

Before I had my daughter, I'd go to parties (kinky ones) and celebrate with friends. I'd always feel a bit sad as the new year hit and I had no one special to kiss, but I still had plenty of friends and attention there (side note: kinky parties - where I was known as "the naked one" - were great for my self esteem. people wanted and expected me to walk around naked, and enjoyed it, even if they weren't FAs. I've never felt more accepted than at a kink party). The last few years I've been out of action, but I've been thinking of getting back out to socialising more. I don't have any plans for NYE at the moment, so I might just be kicking back with my flatmate and having a few drinks while we play my new Wii. I try to remind myself that it is just another night, and that I'm loved by friends and family.
 

lushluv

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Thank you for responding superodalisque and lovelocs (neat, LL :) btw, I just did the big chop, and I'm loving it, but I may loc it later). You know, this love thing is so complicated. I think that's why I just opt out every time. I'm trying to keep myself open to the experience this time, but I don't want to be imprudent, so I'll just keep feeling my way without crossing any of my own personal taboos.

Laissez-faire.

Thanks again ladies! :)
 

Rowan

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Does anyone else go somewhere to eat alone? We all know there are nights where you just don't feel like cooking and decide to go out... but take out is just blah sometimes... And I think one of my biggest hurdles as a single person was getting the guts to go IN somewhere to eat alone. But I do it, and for some reason, I'm kinda proud of myself every time I do.

I admit...I am terrified to go to a place and sit down and eat alone. I think i've only done it 3 times in my adult life. Once in Tampa while I was there for my job at the time, just this most recent July went to Cafe Tu Tu Tango while at a work conference, and then I went to Panera a couple months ago and waited for my classmate to show up and he never did.

I guess i just dont like going out and eating alone because i feel like people are staring and commenting. Granted...that's probably just bad self esteem and paranoia issues, but still hard to overcome :(
 

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