Strange Yet Wonderfull

[BigElectricKat]

Hannah and I have found more than a few common interests over these past weeks, but it seemed as though this Dimensions thing might be a deal breaker for her. Yes, I know it’s rather trivial in the grand scheme of things, but it meant something to her, which in turn means something to me. She had a difficult time understanding why I wanted to keep being part of this amazing community, but I told her that I would not continue visiting Dims if she really felt it would strain our relationship.

In the spirit of transparency, I took her through most of my posts and PM’s. I told her that I have been somewhat flirty with a few members but nothing serious (which anyone who’s messaged me will attest to). As a general rule I think just about anybody here will tell her that I’m usually a gentleman and the flirts are just a way to get someone to smile. Much of that she understood because she gets it from me all the time.

But there’s something about Dims and me that she finally understands. Before I found Dimensions, and even after those first few months, I had contemplated taking my own life. I was really in a bad way and over the preceding months, I suppose my PTSD had resurfaced and gotten the better of me. Finding Dims had given me not only an escape, but also a purpose. On any given day, I could come here and find someone who needed cheering up, advice, or just the benefit of my experiences in life (at least that’s how I perceived it). As a result, Dims helped to keep me grounded and moving forward instead of wallowing in self-pity and loneliness.

As it turns out, Hannah went trough a similar period in her life after her last two relationships. Guys who she thought were into her were only into her as much as they could control and abuse her. Through this wonderful, open communication that we’ve built, we found out that we both were going through this sad and depressing period at roughly the same time! Though we’ve both come out the other side, we both wished aloud that we’d found each other back then.

For my part, Dims helped me through a dark time and after my grandson was born, I knew I had to hang on for him as the most stable and responsible one in the family. His grandmother (my ex-wife) had moved away and my daughter is a piece of work. Hannah credits her family and a change of scenery for helping her get through what I assume was feeling like hell. In both instances I’m very happy to have this time with her and judging from the awesome meals, smiles, hugs, kisses, and other stuff , she is as well.

I want to thank all of the members who've been encouraging and excited about this new chapter in our lives!

 

[Sonic Purity]

Before I found Dimensions, and even after those first few months, I had contemplated taking my own life. I was really in a bad way and over the preceding months, I suppose my PTSD had resurfaced and gotten the better of me. Finding Dims had given me not only an escape, but also a purpose.

A purpose in life is critical—one felt/lived by the individual, not what anyone else thinks their purpose is or should be. Imagine flailing for a purpose for 25 years, and you’ll begin to understand my reality. Society Does Not Need nor Want me.

Totally relate to the suicidal ideation. That was my fallback plan until my 2018 very real within hours of death experience (right around this time of year; mere days from now) forced me to realize i had a very strong drive to remain alive, at least until i could get some of my stories released. Now that that’s happened and the response is close to no response at all for the one thing i’ve dedicated the last decade of my life doing with passion and motivation, there’s really no purpose for my existence in living human form.

Delighted and relieved that you found your way through the thicket, to the present and your current path! Words of an online-only acquaintance can come across hollow or meaningless, yet that’s all i have: i am filled with gratitude to know you in this context of Dimensions. To me you have been and are one of several major pillars of this community. I find what you write here thoughtful, informative, entertaining, and/or illuminating.

I’d ask Hannah to give you a deep hug on my behalf, but besides that being asking her to perform emotional labor on my part with no reasonable compensation, it may be projecting what i need onto you. Instead i am waving, and continuing to wish you both as a couple and as individuals the Very Best as life rolls onward.

 

[Green Eyed Fairy]

Jeez, she cooks all that good food? I may steal her from you!
And yeah, I know how those grown kids try to do. Good on you for not putting up with it. You're entitled to a piece of happiness in your own life, too. Especially since you already raised your own kids.

 

[stampy]

This is such a wholesome thread!!! I think we are all cheering you on BEK!!!

 

[BigElectricKat]

A purpose in life is critical—one felt/lived by the individual, not what anyone else thinks their purpose is or should be. Imagine flailing for a purpose for 25 years, and you’ll begin to understand my reality. Society Does Not Need nor Want me.

Totally relate to the suicidal ideation. That was my fallback plan until my 2018 very real within hours of death experience (right around this time of year; mere days from now) forced me to realize i had a very strong drive to remain alive, at least until i could get some of my stories released. Now that that’s happened and the response is close to no response at all for the one thing i’ve dedicated the last decade of my life doing with passion and motivation, there’s really no purpose for my existence in living human form.

Delighted and relieved that you found your way through the thicket, to the present and your current path! Words of an online-only acquaintance can come across hollow or meaningless, yet that’s all i have: i am filled with gratitude to know you in this context of Dimensions. To me you have been and are one of several major pillars of this community. I find what you write here thoughtful, informative, entertaining, and/or illuminating.

I’d ask Hannah to give you a deep hug on my behalf, but besides that being asking her to perform emotional labor on my part with no reasonable compensation, it may be projecting what i need onto you. Instead i am waving, and continuing to wish you both as a couple and as individuals the Very Best as life rolls onward.

I think I speak for everyone here on Dims when I say that we are glad you came to the realization that being a live is better. Your insightful, compassionate, and erudite responses to many seeking here seeking guidance or advice here, are top notch!

 

[BigElectricKat]

Hannah sent me a message that I must come see her at lunch today. Our usual weekend rendezvous was very nice as usual. She made a big pot of stew and we watched movies until the wee hours. She has this big couch that we can both fit on comfortably and I have to say, I am really liking it when she lays back on me. I love supporting her weight and I think she likes it too. Apparently, she also likes it when I whisper little comments in here ear like, “Your hair smells great” or “This feels so nice”.

I’ve always stressed the importance of communicating with Hannah since day one. She’s generally very good with letting me know how she feels or what she thinks about something. But I guess she was holding something in for the right time this weekend. At lunch today, she greeted me like always and lunch went along nicely. She even brought me a slice of apple pie!

When we were done with lunch, she offered to ride down the elevator with me, which she normally doesn’t do. In the elevator she just started thanking me for treating her so well. She really lost sight of herself for a while and felt defined by how others had treated her: like a “thing” or “piece of trash” (her words not mine). She remarked how amazing it is to be treated with such compassion and understanding. She also found it strangely sweet that a man such as myself, somewhat gruff and sorta kinda tough, could be so gentle with her. She started tearing up which made me do the same. We had to play it off several times as people got on/off the elevator!

Now, I’m not tooting my own horn or anything. I have her blessing to post this and anything that is not a detailed intimate moment. She came out and told me she was a bit miffed about my association with Dims but has since softened on the whole thing. While she’s not ready to join up, she is perusing the site every now and again and checking on me. And we get on together when I’m at her house. So, it’s all good! And she’s been encouraged by all the well wishes and warm welcomes. I’ll keep working on her.

 

[Tad]

Dimensions doesn't ever have to be her 'thing', since people are all different in how they like to socialize, including form, place, who, etc, and this sort of interaction just may not be her thing. But I'm glad that you two are working out the friction around it. There are bound to be other differences that come up to work through, it is a good sign that you are dealing well with this one so far.

 

[BigElectricKat]

Have you ever had a good day turn bad and then good again? That’s what happened to me on Sunday. My daughter had gone out and asked if I could watch the little guy for a few hours. Generally, that means all day in her eyes, as though I have nothing important going on in my life. But as I enjoy spending time with him, I said yes.

About an hour later, Hannah called and asked if we could spend some of the day together. Of course, I was only happy to have some time with her, but I told her that I was on babysitting duty. She offered to come over and help (this gal is an angel!). Since I knew my daughter would be gone quite a while, I invited her over.

She came over and we played with Jami (short for Jamisen) for a couple hours, stealing kisses from each other during portions of Sesame Street, Baby Shark, and snack time. Around 3:00 pm I thought it would be nice to take him down to the elementary school down the hill so he could run around and tucker himself out. I have to say, that was the best idea I’ve had in years! He likes to run around on the track and we took turns chasing after him. After a while, Hannah noticed that I was letting her do all the chasing. I had to confess that I always hate to have her leave, but I LOVE to watch her walk/run away!

After about an hour, we headed home. When we arrived, my daughter was already home. As we came into the house, she started yelling about taking her son without her permission. I said, if you spent more time with him instead of running off doing God-knows-what and with whom, she wouldn’t have to worry about it. Then, I have to hear how she’s a single mother and needs a break from time to time or that she’s allowed to have some fun.

I wanted to bring up the fact that her being a single mother is not my fault and that plenty of single mothers have to sacrifice their personal time for the sake of their children and maybe she shouldn’t have gotten pregnant by a deadbeat crackhead… excuse me, meth-head, in the first place. BUT I didn’t go thereat that time (been there many times before). I didn’t want to get into a shouting match right there in front of Hannah; she didn’t need to be dragged into that. For her part, she stayed out of it and was just keeping Jami occupied.

That’s when my daughter decided to speak her mind. “Why do you keep bringing that fat girl around my son? I don’t want her to sit on him.” I nearly exploded! But, for the sake of my little guy, I maintained a considerable amount of cool. Hannah decided to excuse herself and wanted to step outside, understandably so. But I asked her to remain in the house for a moment because I wanted to hear what I had to say next; not as some type of grandstanding but more so she would know and understand my level of commitment to our relationship.

“First”, I said, “this is the last time you ever talk badly about Hannah in my presence. Ever. Second, I love my grandson with all of my heart, but I will hand your ass an eviction notice without hesitation. Not that I need to because you aren't even paying rent. And lastly, you might want to get used to seeing Hannah around here a lot more. Who knows, she might even be your stepmom one day.” Her eyes got as big as saucers when I said that. I think that she was about to come back with some snarky, shitty comment but luckily thought better of it. She just picked up Jami and went upstairs to their room, slamming the door behind her.

Hannah and I left the house to go find something to eat. She was strangely quiet during the drive, while I was continually apologizing. We ended up at Dairy Queen and got a large basket of chicken fingers and fries to share. We both got Blizzards (mine is always Heath Bar!). I love them because they don’t melt fast like a cone and they’re in a cup anyway.

After eating we took a walk in a park. Only one family was there with their kids playing on the swings. We walked and talked (well I mostly talked) and there was still this tension in the air. We had just finished our Blizzards and were headed back to the car when Hannah said, “You think I’m stepmom material?” I nodded yes. She dropped her cup, pushed me back into a tree and proceeded to kissed me as passionately as I’ve ever been kissed. See, all turns our good in the end!

 

[BigElectricKat]

I’ve found that almost always, the world lets you know when you’ve done something wrong. But every now and then, it lets you know you’ve done something right. The latter case happened to me this past weekend.

As most who’ve been checking in on this thread know, Hannah isn’t overly high on my Dims affiliation, but she’s been very supportive of my need to be a part of it. As far as we are both concerned, that is the only ripple in our shared pond of serenity. She doesn’t give me any grief about it and in turn, I get her approval on anything I decide to share about our relationship before posting. A win-win in my book. Otherwise, everything is pretty much “smooth sailing”.

Since we talk almost every day, we’ve been able to share a great deal in such a short time. Due to the nature of my work and through life experience, I’m usually good at understanding what people are saying and what they are NOT saying. This weekend, we had a conversation about weight and the struggles we’ve both endured.

For me, it’s not that big of a deal. I was very athletic in my youth, all the way up into my 30’s. As I aged, I gained weight to the point I’m at now. I let her know that during the last years of my military service, I was a bit heavier (say 240-245 lbs). She still marvels that I weigh as much as I do now (a steady 223 lbcs) because I carry most of that evenly (yes, I do have a bit of a belly and my face has gotten chubbier). Whereas she, has always been a bigger gal and over the course of the previous 4 or 5 years, put on even more weight.

Most of these were general statements and I could tell there was a lot more that she wasn’t telling me. I assumed (not always a good thing) that she dealt with the fat-shaming and other stigma that came with being big in the previous decades (and to a degree still happens). And after a little more discussion, I learned it was the reason she started dating a few so-called FA’s that were really more like abusers than admirers. Which had me beg the question: Did she approach me because I’m sorta on the fat side (I know I’m not fat enough for the FFA’s around here but still considered fat by non-FFA’s), to which she had no real answer. Not that I’m complaining either way but it begged me to wonder: Is she with me because she feels she can’t get any better? I didn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t want to spoil dinner (which BTW was excellent).

After dinner, we settled in to watch another episode my new favorite TV show Warrior Nun. But the question kept gnawing at me, and I decided to just get it out there, like ripping off a band-aid. I started out by telling her that I am so very grateful that our paths crossed and that I would give everything I have to for the time we’ve spent together. But I told her that it would eat at my soul if she was only with me because she felt I was her only option at the moment. I do not want to be someone’s, anyone’s, second best or desperation choice. Yes, I’m old(er), and not attractive, and fat, and poor. But I think I would not respect myself if I became consigned to the fact that she was only with me because I was the ONLY thing she felt she could get. What little self-esteem I have, would go down the drain.

Further, I had to tell her where this all came from. During my youth, in a few relationships, I was kinda kept in the dark when it came to some girlfriends’ family and/or friends: I was good enough to have sex with or go out clubbing with or get gifts from. But I wasn’t seen in the light of day. I wasn’t introduced to some friends or family. I was like a secret that needed to be kept hidden. I didn’t notice it for a long time because I was just having fun. It wasn’t until a really bad exchange occurred with a girlfriend’s mom. After that, I took notice and took steps for that not to happen again. But the damage to my psyche was done.

I was fully prepared that this would be our last time together, and it hurt me to think of that. So far, our relationship had been magical in my eyes and I truly didn’t want it to end. But I knew that if that were the case, I would become resentful and no one wants that. I expected her to think of some way to sugar coat the whole thing and I waited for her to speak as she searched my eyes and found in them the fear and resolve that lay beneath my words. The tension hung over us like a living thing and I fretted about ever putting her in this position to answer this question, but it had to be done.

It took a while for her to answer. I was doing my best to hold back tears because things had been so good between us. Tears welled up in Hannah’s eyes before she finally spoke. And what she said left no doubt in my mind as to her intentions.

She told me that she had more than a few dates after she moved out here last year. As a general rule, she finds that she’s a good judge of character and none of the guys she went on dates with or met through friends, had any real potential, with most of them giving her a creepy vibe. She said she knew she wanted to get to know me better the first day we met because she could tell I was sincere. She has dated all kinds of guys in her life and was just waiting for the right time to introduce me to her parents. She grabbed her laptop and showed me emails she sent to her mom about me. I was floored! Then she told me she had something to give me and excused herself from the room.

When she came back, she was wearing a cute (and very short) flowery dress and nothing else . Of course, I marveled at how cute and sexy she looked but she didn’t say anything. She put on the on the below video and just danced so seductively for me that I was short of breath when she finished. She came over, straddled me and sat on my lap. And whispered, “I love you” in my ear. To that point, neither of us had really spoken the “L” word in that context and it seemed the most wonderful thing I had ever heard.

 

[Lightning Man]

@BigElectricKat, I feel you about the whole "being a secret" thing. My first girlfriend was supposedly my fiancée but only told her parents about me after we broke up. We spent every weekend together out of town so as not to be seen. This secret lover routine scarred me, too, and rebelling against it is what ended that relationship. Otherwise, I might still be her dirty little secret thirty years later.

 

[littlefairywren]

OMG that is so lovely! Made me cry like a fool of course. Happy, happy, happy for you both.

 

[Tad]

OMG that is so lovely! Made me cry like a fool of course. Happy, happy, happy for you both.

Ditto!

 

[BigElectricKat]

The past couple of weeks have been hard but enjoyable at the same time. Because of the surge in Covid cases, our frontline caregivers have taken quite a beating I terms of extra workload. Even though Hannah does not work on a Covid floor, some of the nurses in her department have taken advantage of our hospital’s request for nurses (and others) helping out in other areas of the hospital. So, her department has nurses on 12-hour shifts. As a result, we’ve had less time to spend together but the time we do spend together is wonderful. Last Tuesday was one of those days.

As I later learned, Hannah had a particularly rough day. Not only did she work 13 hours, but one of her patients coded and they couldn’t bring him back. Lately, we haven’t been able to get together for lunch and she’s been exhausted in the evening. Whereas we might normally talk for 1 or 2 hours each night, lately we’ve barely talked for 45 minutes at most. It’s not for a lack of desire. She’s usually tired and by the time she gets home, I’m about to go to sleep (I’m up at 5 am). We still have great times when we see each other. Sadly, those times are a bit less than usual. But Tuesday night was another thing entirely.

During the day, we usually send messages back and forth to each other, either by email or Microsoft Teams (mind you, the Teams messages are very tame by comparison). We exchanged several messages on Tuesday morning hours but by the afternoon, there wasn’t much communication. I chalked it up to her being busy and figured we’d catch up later. I didn’t hear from her all afternoon but didn’t worry as I knew she gets off at 8 pm. I was getting out of the shower at 10 pm when I heard my phone ringing. It was Hannah and she sounded distraught.

She told me about the rough day she had and that one of the other nurses was a royal “B” to her that day. I offered to turn off the nurse’s access so she couldn’t get into the hospital tomorrow but she wasn’t out for revenge. I asked what I could do, and she reluctantly asked if I could come over, right at that very moment. She just felt like she was overwhelmed and tired and always feels safe and comfortable when I’m around. I was only too happy to do so. She thought it might be best if I brought my clothes for the morning over.

Now to this point in our relationship, neither of us had spent the night at the other’s place. Yes, we’ve spent countless hours together and stayed up late into the wee hours of the morning, but neither of us pushed for a “sleepover”. I think both of us have been considerate of our living situations. But now, I hastily grabbed my stuff for the next day and departed my house. I was eager to see Hannah but not for the obvious reasons. I realized that this was the first time that she called on me out of a need for something more than simple companionship. She needed a friend, a partner, a sounding board. She needed to vent and a shoulder to cry on if need be. I was determined to be up to the task.

When I pulled up to her place, she was waiting at the door. She was wearing a very cute set of pajamas and her hair was still wet from the shower. I barely got out a “Hello” at the door before she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and gave me the biggest, tightest hug. She just kept whispering “Thank You” in my ear and it seemed we were standing there for 10 minutes (not that I minded at all). When we finally went inside, she ushered me into her room and shut the door.

She hung my things in her closet and then pulled back the covers on the bed and asked me to get in. I lay there, propped up on my elbow and she slid into bed next to me. She covered us up and I laid there, spooning with her, sniffing her hair (which smelled absolutely wonderful), and just listened to her let some things out. We both fell asleep about an hour later. I woke up when My alarm went off at 5 and tried to be as quiet as possible. As I was leaving, her roommate came out of her room, looked at me and just smiled.

Yesterday, Thanksgiving was a revelation. After I got off work, I went straight to Hannah’s place. Once again, she greeted me at the door (I’m starting to like this a lot). I gave her a “Hey, Beautiful” and she gives me a “Hey, Tiger”. I’m guessing that’s her pet name for me because she’s called me that a few times now. When I stepped inside, I was amazed at all the things she prepared for Thanksgiving dinner (the first of many I hope).

Since her roommate was working, we had the place to ourselves. We ate. We laughed. We flirted. I volunteered to clean the dishes, which she thought was awesome. She packed me some leftovers that I’ll have for dinner tonight. We sat and cuddled and let our food settle. But before I went into a “turkey coma” she had surprise for me. As a general rule, her surprises are extremely thoughtful and arousing (I can say that, right?). But this time she brought out her laptop and I was confused. Was she going to show me a cat video or maybe something naughty she made for me.

Instead, she sat next to me on the couch and called her mother via Skype! I freaked out momentarily. All of these scenarios ran through my mind! I could see it all going sideways in a hurry. But it turned out really well and I was happy for it. At one point, Hannah excused herself to go to the bathroom (I think this was planned), and I was left there to talk to her mom alone. Arlene (Hannah’s mom), asked me some very pointed questions about my intentions for her daughter. Without batting an eye, I let her know just how wonderful Hannah is and began to spout off her many virtues. But when I told her that Hannah was truly a gift from God, I think that sealed the deal.

When Hannah finally came out of the bathroom, I think there were tears welling up in my eyes so I excused myself (I have been doing more crying around this woman than I have in the last 10 years). After I came out of the bathroom, I sat back down next to Hannah and she held my hand as we all said goodbye. When the call was concluded, she looked at me and asked me what I said to her mother. Fearing I had made some sort of faux pas, I asked why. She said, “My mother has never liked any of my boyfriends. EVER! But she kept going on and on about how you’re a keeper and how she would steal you from me if she wasn’t married.” I was flabbergasted! We laughed for a long while after that.

 

[Colonial Warrior]

My best wishes on your relationship with Hannah!

 

[Tad]

Brought such a grin to my face reading all that You two seem to be a lot of good for each other.

 

[Funtastic curves]

I look forward to reading every entry you make in this thread. It's my favorite

I wish you both lots of happiness

 

[stampy]

Your relationship needs to be made into a Hallmark movie!!! This is the kind of light we need in the world right now!!

 

[BigElectricKat]

These last couple of weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster. Back in November, our employer let us know that all of the full time employees were each going to get a $750 (before taxes) bonus in our December 11th paychecks. Great news, right! I though it was great because I haven't really been on the plus side for quite a while. I was hoping to get my grandson a toddler bed and get Hannah something really nice for our first Christmas together. Nothing overly expensive but something I know she likes (she loves aquamarine - the gemstone not the movie). I was just waiting to get the money that Friday.

On Thursday, my water heater died. When I say died, I mean D-E-A-D. It was 10 years old and I had been having trouble with it for the last couple of years. So now, I'm taking these "combat showers" and freezing my you-know-whats off! Anyway, I called to get a new water heater and the best price I could get was $600. That was just about all of the bonus money after taxes but I needed to get it done. My daughter was taking herself and my grandson over to her boyfriend's house for showers. After a couple days of braving the frigid waters, I told Hannah about it. She was so sweet! She said, "You come over here, Tiger. I'll make sure you get squeaky clean." I didn't want to put her out but she insisted. Man! That woman is special!!

Got the new heater in on Wednesday. I told Hannah that I'll have to return the favor very soon. She just smiled!

 

[Tad]

Not going as planned, but I'd say it is working out just fine

 

[BigElectricKat]

Isn't it wonderful when someone cares enough to learn "you" and whatever your love languages are?