Supporting a BHM who doesn’t love being a BHM?

Discussion in 'BHM/FFA' started by Ffancy, Mar 12, 2019.

  1. Mar 12, 2019 #1

    Ffancy

    Ffancy

    Ffancy

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    I’d love to here how other people are dealing with similar situations, whether it’s BHM/FFA or BBW/FA.

    My boyfriend, who I’ve known for less than 2 years, used to be a very big guy. I’m not sure exactly how big but judging by old pictures I’d say ~450 lbs. Around ten years ago he actually had weight loss surgery and dropped down to around 200 lbs. But after a few years there were life threatening complications and he had to have emergency surgery to reverse the procedure.

    In the years since then he has been slowly but steadily putting weight back on. He’s close to 400 lbs now. He’s definitely a foodie but he doesn’t seem to have any binge eating issues. He just really enjoys good food, probably more than a lot of other people. He gets moderate exercise and goes for regular doctor’s checkups.

    I know he’s not happy with his weight and every so often he makes an attempt at dieting. It never lasts long. We don’t live together yet so I don’t have much involvement in his food choices.

    I’ve told him I believe in absolute body autonomy, that a person can make their own choices for their life, body and health. I will never nag him to lose weight or ask him to gain weight. I’ve told him at other times that I’m attracted to him the way he is, and that I find big guys hot.

    I just am not sure how to support him in a way that is true to my absolute adoration of his curves and rolls, especially if he decides to seriously lose weight. I’m afraid he’ll decide to have a second surgery (someone close to him has already done this.)
     
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  2. Mar 14, 2019 #2

    Starling

    Starling

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    It sounds like you’re already doing everything right in terms of supporting him. The real question you may want to pursue if he decides to get a second surgery is: is he unhappy enough with his body and frustrated enough with traditional weight loss methods to risk his life to be skinny?

    If the answer is “yes”, then you have a whole onslaught of more pressing issues to deal with before you’ll even have a chance to agonize over if you’ll still be attracted to a smaller him.
     
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  3. Mar 14, 2019 #3

    Tad

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    You probably already do this, but the one thing I have to offer is to choose your words carefully, such that you are not seeming to contradict the workd or his own feelings. A lot of "I feel (so attracted to you, or whatever)" and "To my eyes (you are feckin smexy)" and "for me (your size is not a problem)".
     
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  4. Mar 14, 2019 #4

    agouderia

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    Being supportive and doing what you are doing is definitely the right thing Ffancy. Nevertheless, we FFAs always need to be realistic that there is only so much personal love and support can achieve in allieviating the effects of society's fatphobia on the psychological make-up of most fat people.

    That said - the surgery issue is a totally different one in my book.
    If he already had to have one bariatric surgery reversed as an emergency case - seriously considering another one sounds outright dangerous to me.
    Personally, if it were me - I would be very honest in telling him how muchs that scares me and that I would definitely advise seeing several specialists before considering any more surgery. Since I'm a pretty good researcher - I'd also hunt down the best fat friendly specialists to consult.
    Good luck - that's a tough situation.
     
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  5. Mar 16, 2019 #5

    Ffancy

    Ffancy

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    Thank you, Starling, Tad, and Agouderia, for your thoughts and advice. I suppose “talk about it” is always the way to go! I need to let him know my concerns.
     
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  6. Mar 23, 2019 at 5:57 PM #6

    Hammond

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  7. Mar 23, 2019 at 6:01 PM #7

    Hammond

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    not exactly my story, but I can relate. I used to struggle a lot with being a fat guy. I felt guilty, sad, ashamed, and I didn't;t understand why anyone would like or love me. But now, after a LONG journey to self-acceptance, I have embraced myself. It's hard living in a world that tells you you are not OK. And of course we internalize the same messages everyone else does. When we find genuine love and respect, it may be hard to deal with. Sounds totally nuts, because doesn't everyone just want to be loved for who they are, regardless of their "faults"? Not so easy when your "fault" is one that people think is your own "FAULT", so to speak. I started blogging about my journey, and it really helped me a lot. I'm also doing a podcast now, and that's helped me too. I'm fat. That's the way it is, and I would hope that your husband will come to accept himself too, as a person worthy of love and tolerance.
     
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  8. Mar 23, 2019 at 7:46 PM #8

    RVGleason

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    Good to see you here! :)
     

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