Supporting a BHM who doesn’t love being a BHM?

Discussion in 'BHM/FFA' started by Ffancy, Mar 12, 2019.

  1. Mar 12, 2019 #1

    Ffancy

    Ffancy

    Ffancy

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    I’d love to here how other people are dealing with similar situations, whether it’s BHM/FFA or BBW/FA.

    My boyfriend, who I’ve known for less than 2 years, used to be a very big guy. I’m not sure exactly how big but judging by old pictures I’d say ~450 lbs. Around ten years ago he actually had weight loss surgery and dropped down to around 200 lbs. But after a few years there were life threatening complications and he had to have emergency surgery to reverse the procedure.

    In the years since then he has been slowly but steadily putting weight back on. He’s close to 400 lbs now. He’s definitely a foodie but he doesn’t seem to have any binge eating issues. He just really enjoys good food, probably more than a lot of other people. He gets moderate exercise and goes for regular doctor’s checkups.

    I know he’s not happy with his weight and every so often he makes an attempt at dieting. It never lasts long. We don’t live together yet so I don’t have much involvement in his food choices.

    I’ve told him I believe in absolute body autonomy, that a person can make their own choices for their life, body and health. I will never nag him to lose weight or ask him to gain weight. I’ve told him at other times that I’m attracted to him the way he is, and that I find big guys hot.

    I just am not sure how to support him in a way that is true to my absolute adoration of his curves and rolls, especially if he decides to seriously lose weight. I’m afraid he’ll decide to have a second surgery (someone close to him has already done this.)
     
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  2. Mar 14, 2019 #2

    Starling

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    It sounds like you’re already doing everything right in terms of supporting him. The real question you may want to pursue if he decides to get a second surgery is: is he unhappy enough with his body and frustrated enough with traditional weight loss methods to risk his life to be skinny?

    If the answer is “yes”, then you have a whole onslaught of more pressing issues to deal with before you’ll even have a chance to agonize over if you’ll still be attracted to a smaller him.
     
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  3. Mar 14, 2019 #3

    Tad

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    You probably already do this, but the one thing I have to offer is to choose your words carefully, such that you are not seeming to contradict the workd or his own feelings. A lot of "I feel (so attracted to you, or whatever)" and "To my eyes (you are feckin smexy)" and "for me (your size is not a problem)".
     
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  4. Mar 14, 2019 #4

    agouderia

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    Being supportive and doing what you are doing is definitely the right thing Ffancy. Nevertheless, we FFAs always need to be realistic that there is only so much personal love and support can achieve in allieviating the effects of society's fatphobia on the psychological make-up of most fat people.

    That said - the surgery issue is a totally different one in my book.
    If he already had to have one bariatric surgery reversed as an emergency case - seriously considering another one sounds outright dangerous to me.
    Personally, if it were me - I would be very honest in telling him how muchs that scares me and that I would definitely advise seeing several specialists before considering any more surgery. Since I'm a pretty good researcher - I'd also hunt down the best fat friendly specialists to consult.
    Good luck - that's a tough situation.
     
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  5. Mar 16, 2019 #5

    Ffancy

    Ffancy

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    Thank you, Starling, Tad, and Agouderia, for your thoughts and advice. I suppose “talk about it” is always the way to go! I need to let him know my concerns.
     
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  6. Mar 23, 2019 #6

    Hammond

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  7. Mar 23, 2019 #7

    Hammond

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    not exactly my story, but I can relate. I used to struggle a lot with being a fat guy. I felt guilty, sad, ashamed, and I didn't;t understand why anyone would like or love me. But now, after a LONG journey to self-acceptance, I have embraced myself. It's hard living in a world that tells you you are not OK. And of course we internalize the same messages everyone else does. When we find genuine love and respect, it may be hard to deal with. Sounds totally nuts, because doesn't everyone just want to be loved for who they are, regardless of their "faults"? Not so easy when your "fault" is one that people think is your own "FAULT", so to speak. I started blogging about my journey, and it really helped me a lot. I'm also doing a podcast now, and that's helped me too. I'm fat. That's the way it is, and I would hope that your husband will come to accept himself too, as a person worthy of love and tolerance.
     
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  8. Mar 23, 2019 #8

    RVGleason

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    Good to see you here! :)
     
  9. Mar 25, 2019 #9

    Shotha

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    It can be difficult to know what to do in a situation like this.

    I always thought that fat men were wonderful. So much so, that I decided to become one of them. So, I'm ecstatically happy that I'm a fat man. I have quite a lot of fat friends, mainly heterosexual men but a few gay men and a few women, who are less than happy about being fat. The main concern that they have is the fear that no one will want them. It breaks my heart to see them go through this and so I do what I can to give them hope but one cannot harp on about the subject endlessly, as it will make them feel worse. I try to help by letting them see that I lead a happy life, despite being fat, that I enjoy shopping for clothes (so that I can look good in my own eyes), that I'm not ashamed of being fat and that I get plenty of amorous attention.

    I think it might be helpful to introduce a BHM or BBW partner, who doesn't like being fat, to men and women who are fat but more positive about themselves. Obviously, expressing your love for your partner is a very positive thing to do but you shouldn't harp on about it to the point where they think that you're trying to cheer them up. I think that it's best to let your partner lead the way in conversations about weight and then to offer appropriately supportive feedback. I think that it might be helpful, if weight loss surgery is mentioned, to offer a neutral stance but to encourage him to explore all of the options with all of the pros and cons. There is the medical side of it. Doctors offer weight loss surgery, because they think that the patient would be healthier slimmer. But the surgery itself carries risks and sometimes has to be reversed because of complications. If the desired weight loss is achieved, then the results are not all that was expected. Some people don't feel right in a smaller body. The excess skin can look very unattractive and can make one feel very hot. On the other hand, the weight loss can make you more agile and maybe you won't tire so easily. I think that the important thing is to choose the right moment to offer your support in exploring all of the options without applying pressure either way.
     
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