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Telling my fiancé that I am a FA

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patmcf88

New Member
Joined
Sep 23, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Canada
Hello Dims,

Long time no talk (formerly "patmcf"). Hope everyone is doing well enough amidst Covid-19! Tough times.

Please forgive me, as I bet this post has been made a 1000 times, but I could really use a sympathetic perspective.

My fiancé and I have been together for almost two years. I would classify her as a BBW who is positively beautiful inside and out. She really is the whole package: smart, funny, and caring. I am lucky to have her.

While she knows I love her body in its current state, I have never told her the extent of it. I have been been an FA my entire life, having dated enough to realize that my sexual attraction is to a certain size of woman. Honestly, I have read everything academic on the subject, scoured the internet, listened to every podcast I could find, and even starting talking to a sex therapist. My research and life experience has taught me that this is not a preference, but a sexual identity that is hard wired in my brain.

All of this to say, I think I have screwed up by not having an explicit talk with my wife about what I am "into."

Ethically speaking, while she seems quite comfortable at her size, I do not know that for sure. Maybe she secretly hates her size and is about to marry a man who admires fat?

Love is about accepting the person for who they are; consequently, I understand that my love for her cannot and will not be dependent on her size. Still, I feel that this sexual part of myself is hidden from her and she deserves to know about it.

Thoughts? Suggestions for talking to her about it?


Please be gentle 🙃

Thank you
 

magodamilion2

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 29, 2020
Messages
79
Location
Philadelphia
I wouldn't frame it as a sexual identity or a fetish.

In my experience, making it seem like a big deal upsets people. I've never gotten so far as telling a fiancé, but when I have 'come out' about this to people I've dated they've all reacted strongly negatively. And I think that's because the general public views this as a thing people are into because of power dynamics, which we all know isn't really the case for most people. I also think people don't like it because it makes them feel interchangeable, like you'd be equally attracted to any random fat person (though of course we also know that isn't true, and that it is the same as being attracted to any other feature in that it is only part of why you might be interested in someone).

So if I were you I wouldn't bring it up as if it were a big deal, but more like touch on it casually through conversations over time. Eventually she'll realize that you are exclusively attracted to BBWs, then you can start talking about it more loosely. Or if there's something specifically sexually you'd like to try you can treat that as one specific kink thing you're interested rather than part of a whole sexual identity.
 

Tad

Dimensions' loiterer
Joined
Sep 29, 2005
Messages
13,340
Location
The great white north, eh?
I went through a similar situation (back before the web was a thing, so I barely understood what all I was into). By trial, error, and some good luck I've come to conclude these are the guidelines:
- keep it to how you feel about her, not about women in general (unless she specifically asks, then give a simple basic answer and move things back to her)
- focus on the sensory experiences that you love (the softness, the way she fills your arms, even the weight of her on top of you), or the experiences shared (enjoying eating together), not on the high level (that she is fat)
- Don't make it a big confession, just sort of 'you probably realize this about me, but to be totally clear ...'
- Try to do it when she is in a fairly chill sort of mood. You don't want that discussion associated with other stresses or issues
- Do it in small batches, with plans on where to take the conversation safely away from the topic afterward. If she reacts badly you move on, if she is accepting you also move on (resist the temptation to use that initial positive to pile more points in).

For some seasonal examples, after putting up some Christmas decorations, assuming she enjoys that, give her a hug and comment "I love how you feel in my arms, you are just the best to hug. I'm so glad you are no skeleton" then talk about whether you should put up more decorations. As a Christmas present buy her some ridiculously skimpy lingerie (obviously give it to her in private) and when she opens it comment "Come on, try it on. I'm dying to get to oggle your body in that!" (and then help her out of it and do whatever comes naturally). When the New Years weight loss ads start up, look her in the eye and say "You know I adore your body the way it is, right? It is your body, you decide what to do with it, but never try to lose weight for me. If you have to do it for you I'll understand, but I just want us to be clear that I have no urge to have you smaller." And things like that. That you make your preference and lust for her larger form clear, but you are not telling her what to do, not making broad statements about how women should be, nor talking about all women in general or other women in particular.

In my experience, that sort of thing has been the most succesful. But that is just based on my experience. YMMV, this advice is worth what you paid for it and comes with no warranty, etc.
 

DazzlingAnna

DM Supporter
Joined
Nov 2, 2019
Messages
851
Location
Germany, EDDV
Here are some thoughts from my experience.

If she is okay with her size and shape she should be okay with any form of opening up about being a FA.
I personally might only question what would happen if - unlikely for me but for whatever reason - I would lose weight to a normal, regular size. In your place if you want to bring up I definitely would focus on the "whole package" aspect with the bonus of being attracted to fat bodies.

If she secretly is struggeling with her appearance there might arise some dissonances.

For most time in my life I just didn't believe when a man told me he liked the way I looked. Despite the fact that only one man irl really opened up about being a FA I always thought a man was with me for whatever reason than my body. Like making a compromise. (Nice personality but... her body :/ - unfortunately I thought like that.)

I've been in situations with my partner when I was told I looked good when I had hidden my body in several layers of clothes, and was encouraged to cover myself when wearing sleeveless or tight clothes for instance. Not difficult to understand that my size is a problem. I am convinced it would work the other way round, too.

There are these little things in every day life that should show her that you love her in total and her size is what you like in specific.

For me it wouldn't be necessary to talk about being a FA. I mean not in a big serious talk.
That's what you are. That is how you feel. That's what you show her.

If you really need to open up about it I'd suggest @Tad 's way.
 

Aqw

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 28, 2018
Messages
323
Location
France, south
Here are some thoughts from my experience.

If she is okay with her size and shape she should be okay with any form of opening up about being a FA.
I personally might only question what would happen if - unlikely for me but for whatever reason - I would lose weight to a normal, regular size. In your place if you want to bring up I definitely would focus on the "whole package" aspect with the bonus of being attracted to fat bodies.

If she secretly is struggeling with her appearance there might arise some dissonances.

For most time in my life I just didn't believe when a man told me he liked the way I looked. Despite the fact that only one man irl really opened up about being a FA I always thought a man was with me for whatever reason than my body. Like making a compromise. (Nice personality but... her body :/ - unfortunately I thought like that.)

I've been in situations with my partner when I was told I looked good when I had hidden my body in several layers of clothes, and was encouraged to cover myself when wearing sleeveless or tight clothes for instance. Not difficult to understand that my size is a problem. I am convinced it would work the other way round, too.

There are these little things in every day life that should show her that you love her in total and her size is what you like in specific.

For me it wouldn't be necessary to talk about being a FA. I mean not in a big serious talk.
That's what you are. That is how you feel. That's what you show her.

If you really need to open up about it I'd suggest @Tad 's way.
Your answer is full of kindness and wisdom.
If I may, you look very nice. And I'm sure I'm not the only one to believe it. If it would be possible, I'm certain some men would like to be with you due to the way you look.
 

Colonial Warrior

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 30, 2016
Messages
774
Location
Coamo, Puerto Rico, USA
Your answer is full of kindness and wisdom.
If I may, you look very nice. And I'm sure I'm not the only one to believe it. If it would be possible, I'm certain some men would like to be with you due to the way you look.
I second you, @Aqw! Not only for her size but @DazzlingAnna has more. I admire her wisdom and also her creativity at both bakery and drawing. I don't know if she has more skills on other fields of the art, but I think she will be awesome at them.

She is full of artistic sensitivity. Thick or thin, she is a very attractive woman!

To @patmcf88: Just be sincere with your lady.
 
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