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The "Friend Zone"

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snuggletiger

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I always wonder about my one friend, that whenever I suggest getting them a gift for christmas the friend says "I love diamonds" or "I want a ring". I find it an odd gift for a lady to ask a male friend. I don't get it :(
 

sophie lou

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I guess that must all depend on the nature of your friendship. Maybe she just thinks your loaded and generous x
 

snuggletiger

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No I told her I am poor, ie making a house payment and contributing to retirement. plus she makes more then me anyway. She could buy her own ring.
 

sophie lou

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No I told her I am poor, ie making a house payment and contributing to retirement. plus she makes more then me anyway. She could buy her own ring.
Does that mean she wants you and you have put her in the friend zone or that you want her and she has put you in the friend zone .
 

sophie lou

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The guy who put me in the "Friend Zone" broke up with the girl he dumped me there for about six months later. He kept trying to get things back to how they were but by then I couldn't get past the way he just dropped me. I just couldn't let myself feel that way about him again. It might have been a bit of stubborness too.

Has anyone here brought someone back or been brought back from the "Friend Zone"
 

snuggletiger

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Felicia
im interested in her but I know I can't afford her not with my income. Its like the old saying "you don't know how poor God made you until you make mortgage payments".
 

ecogeek

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Stuff that Snuggles, any real woman should accept that you cannot "afford diamonds" and whatever else. If you are paying a mortgage and retirement fund GOOD ON YOU. Don't know where the days went of gifts from the heart or a home made meal being appreciated. Lots of people have unrealistic expectations these days. Too much Jersey Shore or whatever other rubbish is on tv I guess.
 

Yakatori

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"...Too much Jersey Shore or whatever other rubbish is on tv I guess."
I think it's too many folks who won't take the risk of being real with each-other. It will always be easier & safer to project a self-constructed set of emotions and motivations onto another person and react accordingly to that than to actually engage with them.

Consider snuggletiger's example: He could say to her, "I love you so much, I want to give you everything I have, my entire soul; but, unfortunately, that's all I have to give..." But-then, what if she calls his bluff?

Similarly, she could say, "I want to know how you really feel about me; because I don't want to leave, but I'm afraid to invest any more without a deeper commitment from you." Of course, then, he might say "I don't know...
 

ecogeek

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I was speaking more of her saying she wants diamonds from him etc. However, I do complete agree with that. Seems the lady has something more that she wants to say but only really hint drops during gift giving seasons. :)
 

superodalisque

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Stuff that Snuggles, any real woman should accept that you cannot "afford diamonds" and whatever else. If you are paying a mortgage and retirement fund GOOD ON YOU. Don't know where the days went of gifts from the heart or a home made meal being appreciated. Lots of people have unrealistic expectations these days. Too much Jersey Shore or whatever other rubbish is on tv I guess.
i agree. if she is really interested she won't actually care about the diamonds. sounds more like she as dropping hints, unless you do get the feeling she is very materalistic.
 

noseovertail

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that was a really interesting youtube video. i would have never thought to relate it to the scarcity principle.

i don't know what everyone else's experiences are..but i find that, as i get older, i am much more communicative about my feelings and am comfortable with just outright asking the other person about their feelings as well if i am unsure (and if i care to know).

in my early 20's, however, i would have died before being that forward haha.

but really-- there are worse places to be than 'the friend zone' if it's someone you enjoy spending time with and want to see happy either way.
 

sophie lou

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Felicia
im interested in her but I know I can't afford her not with my income. Its like the old saying "you don't know how poor God made you until you make mortgage payments".
I know this may sound fanciful but its what someone has in their heart for you that matters not what they have in their wallet. Its nice to be showered with expensive gifts but they mean nothing if the person buying them doesn't really have true feelings for you.

I know i would cherish a the gift of a rose from someone who really cares for me over something lavish from someone who doesn't. Once in a blue moon you might be lucky enough to find someone who does shower you with gifts and affection but failing that its what is in the heart that matters
 

Tad

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Felicia
im interested in her but I know I can't afford her not with my income. Its like the old saying "you don't know how poor God made you until you make mortgage payments".
See now, you are making a decision for her by saying this. You are saying that she wouldn't make sacrifices to be with you, and that she doesn't have and couldn't make enough income that, when living with a person who owns a house, could make things better for both of you.

I do get, from what you've posted elsewhere, that you prefer very clear statements of what a woman wants. But look at it from the other perspective--for someone to state clearly what they want, if they don't know the answer, is a huge risk. To then get turned down hurts a lot more than never really asking. And you should understand that, as it sounds like this is exactly what you are doing with her.

Now, obviously you know her and I don't, so odds are good that you have perfectly valid reasons for reasoning as you have....but maybe you should also consider that by demanding that she be the one to make clear statements and by assuming what she is and isn't willing to do, there is a possibility that you are cutting off a lot of possibilities.
 

StickMan

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Really, "friendzoning" is just another way of saying that two people's expectations going into a relationship are unequal. One wants sex/a romantic relationship/both, the other wants friendship. (And maybe sex, depending on the person)

I can't speak from the female perspective (not being female myself) but the once you're in the friendzone, the only way out is to get some self-awareness. You are not owed a girlfriend. (Or a boyfriend. Or friends, for that matter.) They aren't handed out like participation ribbons at the science fair; you've got to put in the time while understanding that there is no equivalent exchange for love. You can't make someone love you, only hope that they feel for you what you feel for them. (One should hope that this is true of all relationships, regardless of whether they're platonic, romantic, or purely sexual.)
 

snuggletiger

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See now, you are making a decision for her by saying this. You are saying that she wouldn't make sacrifices to be with you, and that she doesn't have and couldn't make enough income that, when living with a person who owns a house, could make things better for both of you.

I do get, from what you've posted elsewhere, that you prefer very clear statements of what a woman wants. But look at it from the other perspective--for someone to state clearly what they want, if they don't know the answer, is a huge risk. To then get turned down hurts a lot more than never really asking. And you should understand that, as it sounds like this is exactly what you are doing with her.

Now, obviously you know her and I don't, so odds are good that you have perfectly valid reasons for reasoning as you have....but maybe you should also consider that by demanding that she be the one to make clear statements and by assuming what she is and isn't willing to do, there is a possibility that you are cutting off a lot of possibilities.
Very true, and as I am finding in this adventure of 2013 Im not exactly the easiest person to talk to. That my relience on being the funniest one in the room does put people ill at ease. I use/d comedy as a way to not feel so nervous, I guess because I have always been a shy person and sort of intimidated in unfamilar surroundings. So as a result I didn't pick up on the subtle hints that courting entails. And Im not sure where one relearns those things. Maybe the friend zone is the spot to be while I regroup. Sometimes I feel like an old dog trying to learn a new trick when the old trick seems easier to use. And maybe in retrospect it wasn't so much the women that confused me, maybe I confused them. Where do you get a do over?
 

Tad

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How do you get a do-over? You ask.

I forget who said it, but I find it more true than not: "The people who mind don't count, and the people who count don't mind."

Or to put it another way, the people who care enough to pay attention probably already have that pretty much figured out. AND, if you let them know that you want to try to do things differently, you'll probably get a friendly smack up the backside of the head as they say "about time!" .....and then get some good support.

All it costs is some pride (to say you went down the wrong path), which is sometimes the most precious currency, but knowing when to stop hoarding it and spend it is probably one of the most valuable things we can learn. It is amazing how often pride can stand in the way of happiness.
 

EMH1701

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To most, being told to be "just friends" pretty much means "get lost" or "stay away from me," and not that friendship is really invited. If we make romantic overtures and are rebuffed, it's a rejection, no matter how you look at it.
It depends on the situation. I had a guy in WoW hit on me and I later found out he was married with kids. He kept hitting on me. I told him I'm not going to date a guy who's married with kids, no matter how much I like him as a friend. It's not like they had a pending divorce, either. Of course, most WoW guys will hit on any girl, but he'd admitted to being a FA and his wife was skinny.
 
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