The Official Joke Thread :D

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Green Eyed Fairy

Veteran of a 1000 Psychic Wars
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up to the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde girl timidly spoke up: "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard on the head with the beer bottle."


********************************
THIS ONE IS REALLY GOOD :p


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."
To which the wife responded,
"he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you too."



*********************************

Dictionary by gender:

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
male : The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male : A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male : Playing cricket without a box.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male : A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male : Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with
the lads.

BUM (bum) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look
bigger.
male : The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male : Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male : Sex

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male : An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male : What women do while the man is shagging.
 

Green Eyed Fairy

Veteran of a 1000 Psychic Wars
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Sexual Job Descriptions

Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chess players mate better. ;)
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Cops do it with cuffs.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Divers do it deeper!
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Fed-Ex agents will absolutely, positively do it overnight.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity. (WHO?)
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs
Let a gardener trim your bush today!
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Metallurgists are like iron.
Moonies do it within sects.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
Nuns do it out of habit.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Plasterers to it hard.
Politicians do it with everyone.
Pool cleaners do it wet.
Popes do it in the woods.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Shakespearean scholars do it... or don't do it, that is the question....
Skydivers go down faster.
Sociologists do it with class.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Systems programmers keep it up longer.
Usenet freaks do it with hard drives!
Vicars do it with amazing grace.
Waitresses serve it hot.
 

imfree

In Remembrance
Joined
Feb 6, 2007
Messages
9,310
Location
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Sexual Job Descriptions

Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chess players mate better. ;)
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Cops do it with cuffs.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Divers do it deeper!
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Electronic Tech's have the touch!!!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Fed-Ex agents will absolutely, positively do it overnight.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity. (WHO?)
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs
Let a gardener trim your bush today!
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Metallurgists are like iron.
Moonies do it within sects.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
Nuns do it out of habit.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Plasterers to it hard.
Politicians do it with everyone.
Pool cleaners do it wet.
Popes do it in the woods.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Shakespearean scholars do it... or don't do it, that is the question....
Skydivers go down faster.
Sociologists do it with class.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Systems programmers keep it up longer.
Usenet freaks do it with hard drives!
Vicars do it with amazing grace.
Waitresses serve it hot.
Electronic Tech's have the touch, Hahaha!
 

bbwsweetheart

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These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
 

swamptoad

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 30, 2005
Messages
12,787
Location
, Male
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from actual papers written by a class of
8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."

These are funny! :doh: :D

Cool thread. ;)
 

Lovelyone

Fat, and loveable!
Joined
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Messages
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I didnt read all the jokes yet, so I jope that I dont make a duplicate here.

3 married couples (one couple has been married for 50 years, one couple married for 15 years, and one newlywed couple) all die, but they aren't supposed to die. When they get to the pearly gates, Saint Peter tells them of the mix up and informs them that since they weren't expected so soon, there wasn't enough information to let them into heaven. He then informs them that they would be sent back to their bodies for 2 weeks, and if they could simply refrain from having sex in that time, they would be let into heaven.

After two weeks, the couples are called back to heaven to tell about their experiences, The husband of the couple that was married for 50 years told Saint Peter, "We have been married so long, and know each other so well that not having sex for 2 weeks was a piece of cake." Saint Peter allowed them into heaven and then turned to the couple that had been married for only 15 years and asked them "Will you be allowed in heaven?" The wife said, "Well, the first week was okay, but the second week we had to actually live in different states to avoid any contact with each other--but we made it the whole 2 weeks." Saint Peter allowed them in. Finally he turned his attention to the newlyweds. "How about the two of you? Will you be allowed into heaven?" the newlywed husband said "Oh MAN! That was the hardest thing we ever had to do. The first week was sheer hell, but we made it through..." Then with a look of worry he continued, "...but we didn't do too well the second week. My wife bent over and I couldn't resist her sexy body." Saint Peter said "Oh I am sorry, we can't let you into heaven." and the wife smiled and said, "Oh that's okay, after last week--we aren't allowed into the frozen food section of Kroger either."
 

Green Eyed Fairy

Veteran of a 1000 Psychic Wars
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Joined
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Messages
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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

-It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'personality' is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man
"Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out.........."I'll be damned.........My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

****************************

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE??

The day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

*********************************

Men's rules

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only, it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off imits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation2. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever
 

Green Eyed Fairy

Veteran of a 1000 Psychic Wars
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Joined
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Messages
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?"she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

************************************

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
 

imfree

In Remembrance
Joined
Feb 6, 2007
Messages
9,310
Location
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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

Hahaha!!!, now, Green Eyed Fairy, I LOVED that one!!!
 

mango

Mustachio Nut
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Messages
5,058
Location
,Los Angeles, CA
Today's Aesop Fable


Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. The boy never understood why it was there, but like it or not, he was stuck with it.


All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.


One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.


After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awakens, the screw will have been removed.


The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple haze floated in an open window, bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.


The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!


Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off.


The moral of the story:

"Don't screw around with things you don't understand .... you could lose your ass."

:D
 

Dr. Feelgood

intellectual nerd
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Joined
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The psychology professor at a small, rural college had invited a psychic to speak to the class about his experiments with the paranormal. After the lecture, the psychic quizzed the students about their own experiences with the supernatural.
"Has anyone here ever seen a ghost?" he asked. After a moment, six hands went hesitantly up.
"And has anyone here ever touched, or been touched by, a ghost?" Three hands.
Finally the psychic asked, "Has anyone here ever, er, had sex with a ghost?" One young man raised his hand.
"You have?' crowed the jubilant psychic. "You've actually had sex with a ghost?"
"Oh, uh, no," the boy answered. "I thought you said with a goat."
 

Green Eyed Fairy

Veteran of a 1000 Psychic Wars
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Joined
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Messages
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD Player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed.

"Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus
 

imfree

In Remembrance
Joined
Feb 6, 2007
Messages
9,310
Location
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"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus
Hahaha!!!, Green Eyed Fairy, "Jesus loves the little children......".
but He'll have no mercy on that burglar!!!
 

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