The Official Joke Thread :D

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Unbasher

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Dec 23, 2018
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What does the cannibal order in a restaurant?
- The waiter.

And what do you find in a cannibal's shower?
- Head and shoulders.
 

Unbasher

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Location
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Mom, my boyfriend has dandruff, how do I help him?
- Give him head and shoulders.
- How do I give him shoulders?
 

wrenchboy

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somewhere on the road
I love no arms and no legs jokes.
True story. I have a friend who has a below the knee amputation.

He would say that his perfect woman would be named Eileen and work at IHOP.
They would have many children who had no arms and no legs.
Floating in the water Bob
Hanging on the wall Art
Found on a beach Sandy
Avid book reader Paige
The sweet tooth Candy
The child that is going to be an alcoholic Brandy
Of course we can't forget the mentally challenged twins that keep getting caught in the window covering Curt and Rod
 

Unbasher

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Dec 23, 2018
Messages
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Location
Germany
Speaking of self-deprecating humor: I have a paraplegic student. When we were discussing the final exam, which would last over three hours, I groaned and said, "This is going to be a real challenge for my bladder."
The paraplegic grinned and offered: "Would you like one of my catheters?"

Awesome comeback :)
 

wrenchboy

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somewhere on the road
Bed Time Prayer For Men


As I lay me down to sleep

I pray for a woman whos very cheap

One whos sexy blonde and long

Who notices that shes mostly wrong

One who sucks and doesn't speak

And promises to do so once a week

I pray that she is very randy

One like that would come in very handy

Opens her legs and lies on the floor

And once I'm done she begs for more

Oh send me a woman who won't play with my mind

Who knows what she wants and thats lots from behind

One who will make love till my body's a twitchin

And bring me a beer when she comes from the kitchen

I pray that she will last right up to the end

And won't complain when I do her best friend

Thanks in advance and since you know I can't wait

I will screw all the rest because it's never too late

Amen
 

Shotha

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May 16, 2011
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The Vatican has been developing a new range of communion wafers. The Pope has announced that they are now completely satisfied with the new range of communion wafers and later this year they will be distributed for mass consumption.
 

TwoSwords

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Yoda: "How went Princess Leia's honeymoon?"

Yoda: "A Han's-on experience it was! Eh-heh-heh-heh!"
 

Unbasher

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Dec 23, 2018
Messages
421
Location
Germany
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A few days later he called me and told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
 

Dan DeLeon

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May 4, 2019
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76
Location
California
A farmer and his new bride are leaving the church in his honeymoon horse and buggy headed for his home.

After about a mile, the horse begins to violently buck, rear up, kick, snort, and whinny.

The farmer reins in the bucking horse, gets down off the buggy, seizes the bridle, firmly grabs the horse's head in his hands, raises one finger to the horse's nose, and calmly tells it,

"That's one."

The farmer gets back in the buggy, grabs the reins, shouts "Giddy-up!" and continues with the journey.

After about a mile, the horse again wildly bucks, rears, kicks, snorts, and whinnies.

Again the farmer reins in the frenzied bronc, gets down off the buggy, seizes the bridle, firmly grabs the beast's head in his hands, raises one finger to its nose, and sternly tells it,

"That's two."

He returns to the buggy, grabs the reins, shouts "Giddy-up!" and resumes with the journey.

After about a mile, be damned if the horse don't again crazedly buck, rear, kick, snort, and whinny.

Again the farmer reins in the wild beast and gets down off the buggy. This time he draws a shotgun from the carriage, aims it at the horse, and -- BOOM! -- shoots the animal dead!

Upon witnessing this brutal, shocking act, the farmer's horrified, indignant newlywed rears up, waves her arms, points her finger at her spouse and begins hysterically screaming,

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! How could you DO SUCH A THING! Killing a poor, innocent creature! What is WRONG with you? What kind of MONSTER are you? Are you MAD?! ANSWER ME!!!l"

The farmer climbs into the buggy, firmly grabs the head of his apoplectic bride between his hands, raises one finger to her nose, and calmy tells her,

"That's one."
 
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