The Official Joke Thread :D

[Dan DeLeon]

There are three rings in a marriage:

1. The engagement ring.
   
   
2. The wedding ring.
   
   
3. And suffer-ring.

 

[Unbasher]

Speaking of which, what do a hand grenade and a wife have in common?
Once you pull off the ring, boom! Your house is gone.

 

[Dan DeLeon]

During a word game played by the illustrious Algonquin Round Table Wits, member Dorothy Parker (writer, poet, critic, and wit extraordinaire) was challenged to use "horticulture" in a sentence. Her clever reply is immortal:

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."

 

[CPProp]

Its one thing to be prescribed Diuretics – its another thing to know your meds are just taking the piss.

 

[Unbasher]

The guy who invented spellcheck just passed away. May he rust in piss.

 

[Shotha]

I was telling a friend, who was very posh, that I had a Sanskrit exam the next day.
She replied, "I do hope that you parse."

 

[Grizzlybear]

So, on the subject of famous painting "Portrait of Whistler's Mother":

If they're been named Whittler instead, would her portrait have been a wood carving?

 

[Unbasher]

Son, you're adopted.
Huh, I wonder who my real parents are.
WE are your real parents but your adoptive parents will be here in a minute to pick you up.

 

[Bama]

Son, you're adopted.
Huh, I wonder who my real parents are.
WE are your real parents but your adoptive parents will be here in a minute to pick you up.

That's a good one. That's some Rodney Dangerfield type stuff right there.

 

[Bama]

The guy who invented spellcheck just passed away. May he rust in piss.

That's good too.

 

[Unbasher]

Woman: Do you have any batteries? – Shop assistant [crooking his finger at her]: Come this way. – If I could come this way, I wouldn't need any batteries.

 

[CPProp]

A little boy gets separated from his Mother in a supermarket.

The assistant asks "What's your mummy like?"

"Big dicks and Vodka! he replies ...

 

[CPProp]

And then there was the couple who were so hard up that she decided to go on the streets.

After 3 hours she came back in, exhausted.

"Get anything?" he asked. "Yes, £5.25"

"What mean b***er gave you 25p?"

"All of them..."

 

[Unbasher]

" I thought nothing could happen in a car during a thunderstorm."

Chantal, 14, now pregnant

 

[Unbasher]

No one ever aks Coca Cola how it's doing. It's always "Is Pepsi OK?"

 

[Unbasher]

A man checks into a hotel with his family. He leans over to the receptionist and murmurs, "I hope the porn on our TV is disabled."
- "It's regular porn, you sick bastard!"

 

[swamptoad]

How do you call a frog?

Use the hopperator.



How do you get a frog off the windshield?

Use the defrogger.

 

[CPProp]

Q. How does a lady of the night hold her liqueur?

A. Usually by the ears

 

[CPProp]

Once skyped with a pair - it was a conference pair

 

[CPProp]

This made me laugh