The Official Joke Thread :D

A farmer and his new bride are leaving the church in his honeymoon horse and buggy headed for his home.

After about a mile, the horse begins to violently buck, rear up, kick, snort, and whinny.

The farmer reins in the bucking horse, gets down off the buggy, seizes the bridle, firmly grabs the horse's head in his hands, raises one finger to the horse's nose, and calmly tells it,

"That's one."

The farmer gets back in the buggy, grabs the reins, shouts "Giddy-up!" and continues with the journey.

After about a mile, the horse again wildly bucks, rears, kicks, snorts, and whinnies.

Again the farmer reins in the frenzied bronc, gets down off the buggy, seizes the bridle, firmly grabs the beast's head in his hands, raises one finger to its nose, and sternly tells it,

"That's two."

He returns to the buggy, grabs the reins, shouts "Giddy-up!" and resumes with the journey.

After about a mile, be damned if the horse don't again crazedly buck, rear, kick, snort, and whinny.

Again the farmer reins in the wild beast and gets down off the buggy. This time he draws a shotgun from the carriage, aims it at the horse, and -- BOOM! -- shoots the animal dead!

Upon witnessing this brutal, shocking act, the farmer's horrified, indignant newlywed rears up, waves her arms, points her finger at her spouse and begins hysterically screaming,

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! How could you DO SUCH A THING! Killing a poor, innocent creature! What is WRONG with you? What kind of MONSTER are you? Are you MAD?! ANSWER ME!!!l"

The farmer climbs into the buggy, firmly grabs the head of his apoplectic bride between his hands, raises one finger to her nose, and calmy tells her,

"That's one."

 

There are three rings in a marriage:

1. The engagement ring.
   
   
2. The wedding ring.
   
   
3. And suffer-ring.

 

Speaking of which, what do a hand grenade and a wife have in common?
Once you pull off the ring, boom! Your house is gone.

 

During a word game played by the illustrious Algonquin Round Table Wits, member Dorothy Parker (writer, poet, critic, and wit extraordinaire) was challenged to use "horticulture" in a sentence. Her clever reply is immortal:

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."

 

Its one thing to be prescribed Diuretics – its another thing to know your meds are just taking the piss.

 

The guy who invented spellcheck just passed away. May he rust in piss.

 

I was telling a friend, who was very posh, that I had a Sanskrit exam the next day.
She replied, "I do hope that you parse."

 

So, on the subject of famous painting "Portrait of Whistler's Mother":

If they're been named Whittler instead, would her portrait have been a wood carving?

 

Son, you're adopted.
Huh, I wonder who my real parents are.
WE are your real parents but your adoptive parents will be here in a minute to pick you up.

 

That's a good one. That's some Rodney Dangerfield type stuff right there.

 

That's good too.

 

Woman: Do you have any batteries? – Shop assistant [crooking his finger at her]: Come this way. – If I could come this way, I wouldn't need any batteries.

 

A little boy gets separated from his Mother in a supermarket.

The assistant asks "What's your mummy like?"

"Big dicks and Vodka! he replies ...

 

And then there was the couple who were so hard up that she decided to go on the streets.

After 3 hours she came back in, exhausted.

"Get anything?" he asked. "Yes, £5.25"

"What mean b***er gave you 25p?"

"All of them..."