The Official Joke Thread :D

[Barbsjw]

@CPProp took me a beat, but that's great!

 

[CPProp]

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

 

[CPProp]

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

 

[CPProp]

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself

 

[Barbsjw]

We call them "sprinkles" in the US

 

[Shotha]

We call them hundreds and thousands in the UK and in New Zealand.

 

[CPProp]

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful fat girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."

 

[littlefairywren]

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus."

 

[CPProp]

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'

 

[littlefairywren]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

 

[CPProp]

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?

 

[Barbsjw]

You shouldn't use puns with kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally