The Official Joke Thread :D

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Joker

Well-Known Member
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
1,254
Location
Clarksville TN
“Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?”
Well in truth it is because we teach children not to do that. My grandson used to grab his crotch or his ass and do this dance and yell "I gotta go now or we gotta go home to get me new clothes. :D
 

NZ Mountain Man

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2021
Messages
47
Location
Manawatu, New Zealand
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

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Another blonde joke..
A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

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The Cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

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Q:Why don't vegetarians moan while they have sex?
A:They don't want to admit a piece of meat can give them pleasure..


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I started getting junk mail from some attractive random woman. She claimed to see my profile on a site and wanted to meet me.
I replied back with the email address she wrote to me on. This was unacceptable to her and she insisted to contact through the website only. I replied the next two emails through the g mail site I us. She finally said she wants to keep our communication silent from others.
I pointed out that we have many texts now and if she was going to be seen then she is already compromised.
I looked at the website and apparently every communication is build on the credit card. So I asked her to not to communicate with me unless directly with the g mail.
She pleaded again to contact her through the website so she can be sure that I am who I claim to be.
I replied please no more contact. I only want to go directly. With the many contacts now you must be compromised by now. She returned again with for safety go through the website. She does not want her boyfriend find out.
I sent the following and finally got permanent silence from her.


I can be fake on a website just as easy any other way, including references. I am an airline pilot, I am a scientist, I am a prisoner for evil act, I am a priest. The only way to see what is real is live meeting. Using your intuition assessing truth from fantasy. Any how, you want someone who violates sacred bonds betraying someone else therefore you want a person who is scrum who boundaries are not around decent behaviour. What possibility could you be screening out?

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A businessman was summoned to an auditor's office. He decides to take a lawyer with him.
The auditor was reading the list of claims and he says to the businessman you cannot claim on this. The businessman retorts "I can do a lot things that you think I cannot".
He continues with "I can bite my left eye".
The auditor looks straight at him and said "Don't be ridiculous"
The businessman seeing the bait was ready to be taken made a $1000 bet he could. The auditor decided to entertain this nonsense and accepted the bet.
The businessman pops out his left eye and bites the glass eye. This stunned the auditor on how easily he was conned out of $1000 was about say something when the businessman said that he could bite the right eye. Double or nothing bet.
The auditor stared at him; he can see so they are not both glass eyes, he had lost $1000 bet in front of his lawyer, it does seem impossible. He agreed to the bet.
The businessman pulls out his false teeth and wiggles them over his eye. The auditor panics as he sees he now is in for $2000.
The businessman flew into another bet.
"I bet that I can stand on that side of your desk and urinate into the waste paper basket. Not spilling a drop anywhere else."
The auditor twice bitten looks at the challenge and seeing that it was more than difficult, it was impossible asked if it was a double or nothing bet.
"I bet you $5000 that I can."
Desperate to eliminate the debt the auditor agrees to the bet.
The businessman moves to the side of the desk; unzips, pulls out his penis and urinates all over the desktop, completely missing the bin.
The auditor very happy he had eliminated his gambling debt plus made a good sum of money was smiling. The lawyer had his head in his hands going, "this is bad, very very bad".
The auditor was so happy and looked at the lawyer and said, "this is not bad, I won".
The looks up and says, "before we came in he bet me $20000 that he could urinate on the auditor's desk and he would be happy about it.".


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One liners

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without...but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it

Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
 

Joker

Well-Known Member
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
1,254
Location
Clarksville TN
I was at the local water hole feeling down and talking with a friend . Listening to my troubles he told me to cheer up , that things could be worse . I listened to him , cheered up and looked at the bright side . He was right , things did get worse .
 

Joker

Well-Known Member
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
1,254
Location
Clarksville TN
"I just need to pop in and get some important documents," the Boss pleads.

"Welllllll…," I say. "No can do - no one's to enter the building until the Board has revised its policy about staff crucial to the Company's ongoing enterprise."

"I am crucial," he says.

"It doesn't say that on the list," I reply.

"LOOK, I don't care what the list says, just activate my card."

"I'd like to help you – but you're not on the list."

"Who IS on the list?" he snaps.

"Uhhhhmmm, Let's see. The board, all the security staff, a couple of the younger cleaners, the PFY, some external contractors, the milk delivery people, that bloke that cleans the windows and uh...... me!"

"I should be on that list too. I'm your manager," the Boss shoots back.

"That's not what the list says," I say, "but I suppose you could do an ISR test to prove you're OK and maybe security would let you in."

"A ISR test? What's an ISR test?"

"Infrared, Saliva, Resistance."

"?"

"Infrared to check for antibodies in the blood; saliva for virus presence; and finally Resistance to the coronavirus itself."

"OK, where do I go for that?"

"You don't need to go anywhere; you can do it from your home."

"How?"

"The infrared one we do with your mouse - just browse to the company website and click on the logo 14 times in a row and it'll send you to the testing website. You'll need headphones."

"I've got headphones – that's how I'm skyping you! OK. >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap<. Right, so on the screen there's a spiral that's slowly turning.... counter-clockwise," the Boss says.

"Yep. That's the one. Now you want to turn your mouse upside down and with your thumb over the LED try and move the mouse pointer around the spiral to the centre and then back out from the centre to the edge while keeping inside the lines of the spiral. I think you have to do it 10 or 20 times, but you'll get verbal instructions through your headphones once you click on the start icon."

"Why am I doing this?"

"The infrared LED in the mouse is tracking the blood flow in your finger in the same way an oximeter does, and the spiral movement makes sure the infrared gets a holistic measurement of the blood supply in your thumb."

"I see. And how long do I do it for?"

"10 or 20 times – I can't remember – but the instructions will tell you. You'll need to end this call though. "

"OK! >click<," the Boss says.

I wait patiently and about 15 minutes while the Boss is no doubt listening to the "instructions" that are telling him how sleepy he is and how restful the spiral is and that he's feeling totally relaxed…

Shortly after the 15 minutes are up, the Boss is on our daily departmental videoconference call. There's a bit of silence as people wait for him to start the meeting - or maybe they're just wondering why he's completely naked and smeared in Marmite.

The call ends abruptly when the Boss's laptop is shut abruptly when he's only halfway through a rousing rendition of "I’m a little teapot."

Half an hour later the Boss is back on the videoconference to the department feeling a little sheepish. He makes some fairly transparent excuse about having a bad reaction to the vaccine and then proceeds to run through the daily task lists.

"… and Simon – how's my access to the building going?" he asks, having no recollection of our earlier conversation – as instructed. "Unfortunately you're not on the list of people crucial to the operation of the company."

"Not bloody crucial! I'm a key member of the IT team!"

"Yes, but we're using other heavy objects to stop papers blowing away during the lockdown."

"And apparently the couches out by reception don't need warming for two hours at a time," the PFY adds.

"What," the Boss snaps, "are you implying…"

"No, no!" I say. "Nothing d I s I n g e n u o u s here."

At the word "disingenuous" the tone of the call takes a bit a dive and most people have ended the call long before the Boss reaches for the Marmite jar again.

Once more someone in the background ends the call and it's just me, the PFY and the IT Director left in the meeting.

"What the hell was that about?" the Director asks.

"He's been under a lot of pressure," I say. "Maybe he's gone a bit stir crazy, or perhaps he's been abusing his prescription?"

"Anyway," the Director says. "I would like to get into the building just to collect a few personal items."

"No can do," I say. "The board has mandated that no one gets access to the building unless they're on the list."

"Well it so happens I'm having a videoconference with the board in about half an hour so maybe I'll bring it up with them directly," he shoots back.

"That's a great plan, but you know what might swing it in your favour – having a clean bill of health from an ISR test."

"An ISR test? What's an ISR test?"
 

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